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Please help.

Old 10-15-2010, 10:32 PM
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Please help.

Hi.
I'm new here. I don't even know if I belong here. My Husband, who I love and adore drinks quite frequently. I am not a fan of alcohol, growing up with a pill-addicted Mother. So I know I'm sensitive, and I've said things before about how I don't like him drinking. About a year ago, I found out that he was drinking on his way to work, at work, at home, everywhere. I gave him an ultimatum and made him see a therapist and get on an anti-depressant. (His therapist did NOT think he was an alcoholic.) He was doing really well and then out of the blue started drinking again But sneaking it. I told him I hate him being sneaky and to just tell me and I won't get mad-but don't drink a lot because it can't mix with the medication. Not only does he still sneak it, but I found some in his trunk and he'll lie and tell me he's had a certain amount and he has had way more. I'm so sick of the lies. We have a 1-year old Son, and I just don't know what to do. Should I throw all of the beer out of the house? Should I tell him I'm going to leave if he keeps drinking? Should I tell him 'no more drinking." ?? I love him so much and I hate the idea of not being with him, but this is crushing me. I'm so overwhelmed and he is very passive and won't talk about it. He just apologizes over and over and says he'll change. But is he capable? I know I'm rambling, but I just don't know what to do. I don't know where I would go if I left him- or if this even is a reason to leave. But I really think he needs help. He says he's depressed so he self-medicates with beer. He is mad at me because I want him to stop. So I try to compromise. How do I get him to see the seriousness of the situation? I want our Son to grow up with the loving Dad and Husband I know he is. I just want him to be happy- and he says beer makes him happy. But I know it's not good for him. I know this all makes me seem like an idiot, but I love him. Any advice would be so appreciated.
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Old 10-15-2010, 10:56 PM
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Welcome to SR.

You're not an idiot, you're struggling with a very difficult situation and reaching out for help, which is commendable.

A person has to want to change before any change will take place. If he's not willing nor desires to change, it will continue as is or get worse.

I hope you find the support and guidance you seek. Welcome again.
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Old 10-15-2010, 11:17 PM
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HI!

You are in the right place...so welcome..and please make yourself at home.

I would recommend reading the stickies at the top of this forum.

And also other posts in this forum...and feel free to post all you want.

You will find alot of experience, strength, and hope here!

Alcohol is a depressant..so it surely doesn't help with depression...it makes it worse.
I feel sure his therapist would have told him that, as well.

The lies sure point to alcoholism to me!
Alcoholism is a progressive disease..it gets worse.

Please remember what we call the three "C's"

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

Only he can get help, not on your schedule, but only on his own when and if he is willing and able.

So, the only thing you can do is work on your OWN recovery..because alcoholism is a family disease..it affects both you and your son negatively.

Have you ever attended an al-anon meeting or thought about it?
That would also give you face to face support with others who are in similar situations.

I haven't answered your questions.
I will look your post over again and see if I can think of anything else that you may find helpful.

Living with an alcoholic messed with my mind and wore me down like nothing else could.
It is very confusing.
I didn't know what to think..about anything.

SR saved my life!
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:07 AM
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Sorry you're feeling this way. We understand, we all have been there.
There is no easy way out of it, I'm afraid. It can get better for you, but only if you make it better. And to do that you have to educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism, learn what you're really dealing with.
Your husband's behaviour is a text book. He is an alcoholic, also he knows it, aslo he is ashamed of it, aslo he doesn't feel he can change that at this moment (or ever) thus all the lies and sneaking. As if he was to be honest with you, he'd have to do something about it, and he can't, yet or ever. It is a vicious circle for both of you. One can't make the other get out of it. One can only do it for him/herself.
Hard, I know. maybe this is too much info for you at this point. I remember when I first joined SR and read post similar to mine now, I dind't get any of it. I thought: Yes, I guess that is true, but what do I do to make him stop, to make him see, if I could only find that thing everything would be great... It took me years to realize it doesn't work that way and to finally be able to hear what these beautiful people here were trying to tell me.
Stick around and keep reading, even when you don't feel like it, even when you disagree, even when you get defensive with the things we say to you (especially than), just stick around and read. SR has saved my life, I hope it will do the same thing for you.
I wish you well
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