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Scared...

Old 10-15-2010, 02:31 PM
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Scared...

Iím going to talk with my husband tonight. I think. If I can work up the nerve. This is ďthe talkĒ. You quit drinking or I want a divorce. Iím scared. My stomach is upset and randomly throughout the day Iíve felt close to tears. Iím sure Iíll feel better when itís over and wonder what I was so worried about but right now I donít wanna do it.

He just got home last night from Vegas. Told me Sunday night, as I was going to bed, that he was leaving in the morning with his brother, sister in law and their friends. I donít really care that he went. I donít care that he didnít ask me to go. I donít even really care that he told me at the last minute. We havenít really talked for 4 months now. Iím over it and ready to move on and feel pretty detached. My feelings still get hurt though. I tried so hard to make this work. Iíve read more books than I can fit on my kindle (lol), Iíve gone to countless counselors and classes and group things but I just couldnít fix it. Itís not just his drinking but I thought if I learned to love him enough or could do everything right and not do things that made him madÖ He told me Monday morning, as I was leaving for work, that he didnít decide to go on this trip until Sunday night. He said he told himself a month ago that if weíre in the same situation (our relationship) he would go on the trip. So, our marriage is falling apart, we havenít talked in months, he knows I have had a problem with his anger and drinkingÖ does he attempt to stop drinking? Pretend to stop drinking? Cut down? Talk to me about it? Read a book for ideas on how to improve the relationship? Go to counseling???? Nope. Vegas baby!!! It makes me feel bad to realize that he doesnít care. It hurts my feelings. But it helps me see that this is over.

Anyway, just here to ask for your thoughts and prayers this weekend. I could really use them.

And THANKS!! for posting everyone. I donít post often Ďcause I feel like I ramble too much but I so appreciate reading everything everyone writes on here. Itís been super helpful.
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:44 PM
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I see such a talk in my future, but can't bring myself to do it yet.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:44 PM
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I think you have accepted that you have done all you can do. Why are you still trying to affect some change with an weak ultimatum?? What is your motive with that??? His response to your marital trouble is to run off with friends to Vegas at the last minute and your response is to give him yet another chance.

I know where the need comes from. I had the need to talk it out, too. I thought if I told my XABF that I would leave if he wouldn't stop drinking and smoking pot I wouldn't have to really leave and he would change. I was told the reality of my situation by the wise folks here so I am passing on that wisdom to you.

You are afraid of this conversation, so don't have it. You know what his response is going to be and that is what you fear not the conversation itself. Sooo instead of beating around the bush, do what you are really afraid of and file for the divorce.

When he asks why you didn't tell him, which sadly he will like he doesn't already know why, tell him you hadn't decided on it until the night before so you didn't have time to discuss it with him.

Said with love, tough love though it may be.

Alice
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:44 PM
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You do have my thoughts and prayers this weekend. My only suggestion is to not take that stand unless you are going to carry it out. I set boundaries that I did not keep and therefore lost respect for myself in the process. I did get a divorce but I threatened it several times before I carried out my threats. In hind sight I wish I had done exactly as I said I would do from the start.

Hugs to you.
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Old 10-15-2010, 03:13 PM
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Honey, save yourself the angst and just file the papers and get on with living your life. You deserve better.

He's just going to accuse you of being unreasonable, naggy, controlling, etc. He is what he is, and he's not very good husband material.
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:31 PM
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My heart breaks for you because I know too well what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, however, I had many "talks" that went nowhere. I finally just filed and he will be served very soon. He knows it's coming because I told him, and sadly, he just keeps on doing what he has been doing. At times, seemingly like things are a-ok. It is craziness. I too am done...done with the crappy behavior and lack of trying to do a darn thing. He just keeps sinking deeper while I keep sliding down with him.

What stinks is that the filing process, etc. seriously takes forever. There are plenty of opportunities to stall as well. I paid my retainer on July 27 if that tells you anything and he is about to be served soon. It's embarrassing to admit, but it is what it is and it has just taken me that long.

I guess what I'm saying is you can start the process without even saying a word. Then if you feel you want to tell him, then do. When your marriage is to the point where it is at, similar to mine (so heartbreaking to me), they really don't care. I'm sure they do deep down inside, but they are so messed up that they can't see the forest for the trees. I'm no prize right now, so me trying to argue with him to change doesn't do a thing. I say this tongue in cheek, because he aint no prize either right now. Anyway...sorry to ramble on you. By moving on I hope I can be a prize again :-), lol. Good luck.
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
When he asks why you didn't tell him, which sadly he will like he doesn't already know why, tell him you hadn't decided on it until the night before so you didn't have time to discuss it with him.
THAT is funny. :-)

I'm not really giving an ultimatum. In my head and in my heart I am done. I have not been very happy in this marriage at all. I don't have a happy time when we were in love to look back on so most of me is excited to move on and get a life! But there is part of me that mourns the loss of that dream, you know? We (or maybe it was mostly I, I'm not sure) raised some really incredible kids and built a life together that from the outside looks pretty perfect. It's the loss of that that I'm having a hard time dealing with, not the loss of him. So the "quit drinking or else" is a combination of things I guess - 1 - I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to just say I want a divorce, I can barely type it. 2 - A part of me kindof wants to be able to put the blame on him - "I was willing to make it work but he wasn't". Which is stupid because I already am the one who tried to make it work and he wasn't so... And who cares about blame. Let him blame me. I'll take it if he'll just leave. And 3 - I guess I'm still thinking there might be a really really microscopic chance... I don't think he'll agree to quit but if he does I would still make him move out and have minimal contact for 6 months or so and then revisit the situation.

He's left for the moment, not sure where but I'll use the time before he gets home to decide if maybe I should just tell him I want a divorce. It's the brave, honest and grown up thing to do I guess, but at the moment I'm not feeling very brave or grown up. What I'd really like to do is just tell him in a text message. :-)

Thanks everyone. I feel like I can't say enough how much having this place to "come to" has helped.
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:25 PM
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We talk about that alot on here...very commonly it is mourning the dream which has no real bearing in reality.

Being happy in reality is what matters...who wants to sacrifice their one and only life to an appearance and daydream? That's not living. It's existing.

You are just acknowledging the truth. Saying it or not doesn't change it at all.

He knows all the work you've done on the marriage..it has kept you busy..while he hasn't been in the marriage responsibly.

No, it isn't fair to the family.
But you haven't been able to change or fix it.
Because it takes two.

I do suggest a consultation with an attorney before you say anything, but this is your life and you do what you can live with..it's the only way to live..
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:05 PM
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I never said divorce but I was getting so crazy that I got myself a job and told my AH he had to leave and guess what - he did and he started ranting and raving about a divorce and it got so ugly.

Then I realized how peaceful I was with him not around and how crazy I still got when he came around. We have 3 kids so there has to be some interaction - at least he has the decency to do what he does for them or at least mostly his son.

It's been a year now separated and he supposedly is working with a counselor on "managing his drinking" and (upon my insistence) we are going to couples counseling.

Still I am not saying divorce, yet I am getting nothing out of this relationship even with the counseling.

He is pretty much out of my life (except for the kids to some degree). I feel the peace when he is out of my life and yet I still get sucked in to any little crumb of attention he gives me and it is a crumb and it usually is attached to something he needs from me.

Sometimes I ask myself why I don't just divorce him and I think I truly still love him but probably it's just holding on to that dream.

Like you, we raised great kids and life seemed good - although for many of the years it was me alone and him filling in just as it is now, only I have more peace now and I am starting to focus on myself.

I just asked our couples counselor to recommend to me a counselor I can go to myself to help me understand why I keep holding on to someone who is so unavailable to me.
Maybe soon I will be able to break free from this hold I have.
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:34 PM
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Boy, can I relate to your physical reactions when you think about "talking" to your husband. I suffer very similar physical reactions while I build up the courage to confront my husband about our relationship, even after 40 years of marriage. I have realized our marriage problems weren't helping me to recuberate from a massive stroke I suffered in DEC 2009. I've had to go into therapy to try to lessen some of my anger. I trust my therapist and have known him off and on for over twenty years. My husband and I had family therapy with him. My therapist has made me aware that I am as addicted to my husband as my husband is addicted to alcohol. When I think about yours and my physical reactions, it reminds me how addicts suffer physically when their drug of choice is taken away. I was telling my therapist that I was hestitant to talk to my husband and my therapist asked me why would I want to talk to my husband. I already know his answer and response. I think you, also, already know your husband's answer and response.

Once when I, as a codependent,left my husband I left a brand new half gallon of rum on the kitchen table. I, also, left him a "Dear John" letter explaining in full details why I had moved out and what his drinking had done to our marriage. It was his choice! It was his decision to make!

Courage is daring to take a first step, a big leap, or a different path.
There may be times when you feel as if you have taken a million steps forwards,
and acted on your plans, only to find yourself in the same place that you began from.
When no one else is with you,and no one seems to care, just whisper to yourself,
"I am the controller of my destiny. It's up to me what comes to pass."
At times like this, you must not give up.
You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.
Courage is admitting that you're afraid and face that fear directly.
It's being strong enough to ask for help and humble enough to accept it.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.
Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.
Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.
When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders,
remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall,
because you are never given more than you can handle...
and you are stronger than you think.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to take changes.
Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others.
It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.
Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you die.
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