...the things I cannot change
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
...the things I cannot change
HELP!
Usually all my work in recovery can get me through most situations of stress and pain....but I need advice on how to deal with something I cannot control and I cannot change.
My neighbors listen at random hours - can pop up anytime - to pounding music. All I can hear is the pounding bass. It repeats and repeats like a hammer in my head.
I have called the police, the city, their landlord (we live in attached 2-family homes), a gazillion times. Does nothing. I have asked them politely and directly to stop - and indeed at one point, last Easter, the woman of the house came to my apartment and heard it for herself and it stopped (or lessened) for a while, and it was like a miracle, so peaceful.....but recently it has been increasing in frequency and duration.
I spoke to the woman again this week and she kind of rolled her eyes at me this time - like I am a crazy person, and it hasn't lessened. It is loudest when she is out or at work and her husband? BF? is home. I've mentioned this. He's a big, coarse, jerk - anytime I've had to have contact with him he scares the living crap out of me, so she's probably about as eager to ask him to stop as I am.
So I try to apply my recovery knowledge to this. I can't change it. Even noise canceling headphones do nothing. I feel the pounding in my body!
So then I pack up all my crap and slog back to my school and study in the lab/library (and anyone who has seen Nursing textbooks knows it is not fun or easy to schlep a few of those around on public transpo and up stairs etc!). And then I am not around when DS gets home from school. And I am filled with RESENTMENT and ANGER!!! When we are eating dinner, trying to enjoy a meal around the table and that POUNDING starts.....I swear - violence crosses my mind and I am not a violent person.
I try replacing my thoughts with "The sound of pounding bass is distracting, but I choose to have a peaceful joyous evening!" (Teeth gritted!!! LOL) It's not effective.....yet.
I know I need to move house (somethng I can control!) and when I graduate and get back to working full time (fingers crossed) I can hopefully move shortly after that - but it means I have to get through fall, winter, spring, summer.......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. How will I survive? I feel like I am on my last nerve with this sh*t. Like right now it has been going on since 11am, just this repetitive pounding. I banged on the wall. I went and rang the doorbell to try and talk to them but they didn't even answer. They know it is me - or they cannot hear the bell.
*sigh*
Just having a crappy day....have a big paper due on Monday....thought I was past all this last easter..............bleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaacccccc chhhhhhh.
And I start to wonder if I have such a strong reaction because that's normal or because it is so much that same feeling of dealing with an A that I have had since childhood - the rational discussion, the behavior gets better for a while, and then total relapse and incessant pounding and I am just fed up with having to have the same goddamn conversation over and over....lI know I have to accept that this will not go away!!
Anyhooooooooo thanks for listening!
Peace-
B
Usually all my work in recovery can get me through most situations of stress and pain....but I need advice on how to deal with something I cannot control and I cannot change.
My neighbors listen at random hours - can pop up anytime - to pounding music. All I can hear is the pounding bass. It repeats and repeats like a hammer in my head.
I have called the police, the city, their landlord (we live in attached 2-family homes), a gazillion times. Does nothing. I have asked them politely and directly to stop - and indeed at one point, last Easter, the woman of the house came to my apartment and heard it for herself and it stopped (or lessened) for a while, and it was like a miracle, so peaceful.....but recently it has been increasing in frequency and duration.
I spoke to the woman again this week and she kind of rolled her eyes at me this time - like I am a crazy person, and it hasn't lessened. It is loudest when she is out or at work and her husband? BF? is home. I've mentioned this. He's a big, coarse, jerk - anytime I've had to have contact with him he scares the living crap out of me, so she's probably about as eager to ask him to stop as I am.
So I try to apply my recovery knowledge to this. I can't change it. Even noise canceling headphones do nothing. I feel the pounding in my body!
So then I pack up all my crap and slog back to my school and study in the lab/library (and anyone who has seen Nursing textbooks knows it is not fun or easy to schlep a few of those around on public transpo and up stairs etc!). And then I am not around when DS gets home from school. And I am filled with RESENTMENT and ANGER!!! When we are eating dinner, trying to enjoy a meal around the table and that POUNDING starts.....I swear - violence crosses my mind and I am not a violent person.
I try replacing my thoughts with "The sound of pounding bass is distracting, but I choose to have a peaceful joyous evening!" (Teeth gritted!!! LOL) It's not effective.....yet.
I know I need to move house (somethng I can control!) and when I graduate and get back to working full time (fingers crossed) I can hopefully move shortly after that - but it means I have to get through fall, winter, spring, summer.......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. How will I survive? I feel like I am on my last nerve with this sh*t. Like right now it has been going on since 11am, just this repetitive pounding. I banged on the wall. I went and rang the doorbell to try and talk to them but they didn't even answer. They know it is me - or they cannot hear the bell.
*sigh*
Just having a crappy day....have a big paper due on Monday....thought I was past all this last easter..............bleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaacccccc chhhhhhh.
And I start to wonder if I have such a strong reaction because that's normal or because it is so much that same feeling of dealing with an A that I have had since childhood - the rational discussion, the behavior gets better for a while, and then total relapse and incessant pounding and I am just fed up with having to have the same goddamn conversation over and over....lI know I have to accept that this will not go away!!
Anyhooooooooo thanks for listening!
Peace-
B
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
How awful. I can't imagine having to deal with that for hours on end. It's bad enough when a car goes by with that obnoxiously loud bass going. What do the police say when you call them about it? Have you ask them what they suggest you do if they won't come out?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: NW SFV, CA
Posts: 49
Hi B - I am sorry to hear about your situation, I know first-hand how very stressful noisy neighbors can be.
I was able to resolve a similar problem using a community mediator. Many large cities (Boston included) have organizations that provide free or low-cost conflict resolution services. Try an online search for "Community Mediation Boston" or something similar.
In my case, my neighbors changed their behavior after being contacted by the mediator. I guess they didn't want to have a formal sit-down with me and an outside party! Even if your neighbor does not want to participate, the mediator may have some good suggestions about alternate solutions.
Good luck, there is hope! John
I was able to resolve a similar problem using a community mediator. Many large cities (Boston included) have organizations that provide free or low-cost conflict resolution services. Try an online search for "Community Mediation Boston" or something similar.
In my case, my neighbors changed their behavior after being contacted by the mediator. I guess they didn't want to have a formal sit-down with me and an outside party! Even if your neighbor does not want to participate, the mediator may have some good suggestions about alternate solutions.
Good luck, there is hope! John
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
The police sort of just throw their hands up. They definitely "feel my pain!" but there seems to be nothing they can really do about it.
In general, it takes about 24 hours or MORE for them to respond to a noise complaint. It's a big city with more pressing problems. So then when they get here either the noise is not happening anymore or the neighbors will freak out and scream and make it seem like I am an oversensitive priss etc!! I mean, the man shoots me daggers - he looks like he would like to just kill me.
He says stuff to the cops like "I work hard I can come home and listen to music for a few hours if I want to - I pay X amt of dollars for this apartment etc.....blabitty blah blah." Oh I'm so sorry, all hail Mr. Pounding Bass! I guess I don't work hard and I don't pay X amount of dollars for my apartment!!!
Then they'll turn it off for a bit after the cops leave. But it starts up again invariably.
And yes it is exactly that level of window rattling woofer like you hear from cars nowadays. Should be illegal.
Blahhhhhhhh
B
In general, it takes about 24 hours or MORE for them to respond to a noise complaint. It's a big city with more pressing problems. So then when they get here either the noise is not happening anymore or the neighbors will freak out and scream and make it seem like I am an oversensitive priss etc!! I mean, the man shoots me daggers - he looks like he would like to just kill me.
He says stuff to the cops like "I work hard I can come home and listen to music for a few hours if I want to - I pay X amt of dollars for this apartment etc.....blabitty blah blah." Oh I'm so sorry, all hail Mr. Pounding Bass! I guess I don't work hard and I don't pay X amount of dollars for my apartment!!!
Then they'll turn it off for a bit after the cops leave. But it starts up again invariably.
And yes it is exactly that level of window rattling woofer like you hear from cars nowadays. Should be illegal.
Blahhhhhhhh
B
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
OMG, I'm exactly the same. It makes me see red Bernadette, I can't sleep or rest or work or anything with that noise going on. Even a constant blaring tv does it to me.
I have to leave, I really can't take it.
John has a good idea with the mediator if the local police won't do anything.
My only other suggestion? Get a great stereo system and blast Bach all day, at top volume pointed at his walls.
Wait wait...blast a pron movie, a really bad one. Turn it on loop, turn it up, then leave! lol
I have to leave, I really can't take it.
John has a good idea with the mediator if the local police won't do anything.
My only other suggestion? Get a great stereo system and blast Bach all day, at top volume pointed at his walls.
Wait wait...blast a pron movie, a really bad one. Turn it on loop, turn it up, then leave! lol
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Thank you Johnny - looking that up now!! The city EPA never mentioned this to me as an idea....hope it exists...
Are they legally obliged to sit with a mediator? These folks are neandertals.....obviously they have no interest in resolution or problem-solving - for them I am just a buzzing fly or something. Swat. Swat. Turn up the bass!
Peace-
B
Are they legally obliged to sit with a mediator? These folks are neandertals.....obviously they have no interest in resolution or problem-solving - for them I am just a buzzing fly or something. Swat. Swat. Turn up the bass!
Peace-
B
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Yeah, the mediator thing might be an option. Other than that, I can only suggest that you get a bunch of opera records and play them as loud as you can when you know they are trying to sleep. 
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Location: Boston
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from stillwaters: My only other suggestion? Get a great stereo system and blast Bach all day, at top volume pointed at his walls.
Wait wait...blast a pron movie, a really bad one. Turn it on loop, turn it up, then leave! lol
from Suki: Yeah, the mediator thing might be an option. Other than that, I can only suggest that you get a bunch of opera records and play them as loud as you can when you know they are trying to sleep.
Right?
I mean, seriously, my thoughts DO become consumed with ideas for revenge and violence!! So unhealthy.........
A
Peace....PEACE!!!!!
B
Wait wait...blast a pron movie, a really bad one. Turn it on loop, turn it up, then leave! lol
from Suki: Yeah, the mediator thing might be an option. Other than that, I can only suggest that you get a bunch of opera records and play them as loud as you can when you know they are trying to sleep.
Right?
I mean, seriously, my thoughts DO become consumed with ideas for revenge and violence!! So unhealthy.........
APeace....PEACE!!!!!
B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: NW SFV, CA
Posts: 49
No, your neighbors are not legally obligated to participate, but it does give you and your HP another way to approach to the situation!
And yes, I tried blaring my stereo in revenge too, but apparently my tolerance to their crappy music was lower than theirs to mine and I lost that battle. They probably never even noticed...
And yes, I tried blaring my stereo in revenge too, but apparently my tolerance to their crappy music was lower than theirs to mine and I lost that battle. They probably never even noticed...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
This is exactly one of my fears in moving to a new home. What kind of neighbors will I be dealing with.
Sometimes acceptance is for the birds!
Maybe it's time to check out what your locality allows for small claims due to tort of nuisance. File a lawsuit and claim lack of use of your apartment. He'll be served notice. He can pay you for your time locked out of your apartment or he can knock off the cr*p.
If you've never seen these cases in small claims court, they can get quite amusing. People bringing in their dog so the judge can here just how loud the little guy barks. Video evidence of the drunk neighbor peeing in the bushes. Recordings of the neighbors loud bedroom activities.
If you're not sure if this classifies as a nuisance claim, I love the simply done definition on Wikipedia....Nuisance signifies that the "right of quiet enjoyment" is being disrupted to such a degree that a tort is being committed.
You have all your reports to the police to back you up. You can certainly record the offending sound from inside your home. Use a laptop and Windows media to record it and you can even get the decibel reading.
If he refuses to show up to court, the cops can arrest him when the bench warrant is issued. They'd probably show up at his door then I bet. When they do, get an RO and he can't come home.
Sometimes people don't know what it means to be civilized. Doesn't mean the rest of us have to tolerate them.
Hope you find peace soon, B!
Alice
Sometimes acceptance is for the birds!
Maybe it's time to check out what your locality allows for small claims due to tort of nuisance. File a lawsuit and claim lack of use of your apartment. He'll be served notice. He can pay you for your time locked out of your apartment or he can knock off the cr*p.
If you've never seen these cases in small claims court, they can get quite amusing. People bringing in their dog so the judge can here just how loud the little guy barks. Video evidence of the drunk neighbor peeing in the bushes. Recordings of the neighbors loud bedroom activities.
If you're not sure if this classifies as a nuisance claim, I love the simply done definition on Wikipedia....Nuisance signifies that the "right of quiet enjoyment" is being disrupted to such a degree that a tort is being committed.
You have all your reports to the police to back you up. You can certainly record the offending sound from inside your home. Use a laptop and Windows media to record it and you can even get the decibel reading.
If he refuses to show up to court, the cops can arrest him when the bench warrant is issued. They'd probably show up at his door then I bet. When they do, get an RO and he can't come home.
Sometimes people don't know what it means to be civilized. Doesn't mean the rest of us have to tolerate them.
Hope you find peace soon, B!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I don't know if the US has "city councils"? or would it be state councils? They have an environmental department which deals with noise pollution. My neighbours were the same a couple of years back. I called the environmental health to complain about the noise and they came out and asked the guy to turn it off. They also ask you to keep a diary of the noise, how long it lasts etc and to call them whenever it starts, they work 24/7 and come out within an hour or two with "measuring" devices. They can measure the noise pollution and take action if it's above what is legal. They can also seize goods, such as stereo's if the polluters won't take notice or stop.
You guys in the US have any environmental health guys?
You guys in the US have any environmental health guys?
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from Tally: they work 24/7 and come out within an hour or two with "measuring" devices. They can measure the noise pollution and take action if it's above what is legal. They can also seize goods, such as stereo's if the polluters won't take notice or stop.
Guess I will look for a new apartment in England!!
Yeah, Boston's Environmental Department is not as responsive. Inspectors have come twice in 2 yrs and both times by the time they got here the music was not playing. I kind of gave up on them......
Aaaaaaaaaaaagh. I just don't have time for this CRAP!! I have papers and exams and I am already crucnched for time every single day....
Thanks you guys - it is just good to be heard (quietly!). I would never imagine this could cause me so much stress.
Peace-
B
Guess I will look for a new apartment in England!!
Yeah, Boston's Environmental Department is not as responsive. Inspectors have come twice in 2 yrs and both times by the time they got here the music was not playing. I kind of gave up on them......
Aaaaaaaaaaaagh. I just don't have time for this CRAP!! I have papers and exams and I am already crucnched for time every single day....
Thanks you guys - it is just good to be heard (quietly!). I would never imagine this could cause me so much stress.
Peace-
B
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Get two locks.
Go out to the meter boxs, put 1st lock on your own box.
Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
Go inside and take a nap. Problem solved.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Go out to the meter boxs, put 1st lock on your own box.
Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
Go inside and take a nap. Problem solved.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Are they also students? If so, they are likely subject to the same code of student conduct as though they lived on campus. You could file a formal complaint with the university.
You could also try calling university housing and asking if there are any apartments available and just bite the bullet and move. Else chance having to live with this until they decide to stop or move.
Trust me, I would be reacting the same way as you.
You could also try calling university housing and asking if there are any apartments available and just bite the bullet and move. Else chance having to live with this until they decide to stop or move.
Trust me, I would be reacting the same way as you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by coyote21 
Get two locks.
Go out to the meter boxs, put 1st lock on your own box.
Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
Go inside and take a nap. Problem solved.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Go out to the meter boxs, put 1st lock on your own box.
Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
Go inside and take a nap. Problem solved.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I'm sorry you are having to endure this from your home/sanctuary. Some good ideas and some funny responses too!
(((Bernadette)))
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They are not students. They are adults (I use the term loosely).
from coyote: Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
How sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet would that be?!!
But I'd have to break into their basement. We live in attached 2 family houses, like row houses. My living room, dining room and bedroom walls touch their walls.
Thanks for all the revenge fantasies guys! Makes me laugh and daydream!
Peace-
B
from coyote: Open neighbors box, turn off all breakers, install 2nd lock on neighbors box.
How sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet would that be?!!
But I'd have to break into their basement. We live in attached 2 family houses, like row houses. My living room, dining room and bedroom walls touch their walls.
Thanks for all the revenge fantasies guys! Makes me laugh and daydream!
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
OMG Bernadette...
That would well and truly and literally drive me out of my mind!
I am a quiet-junkie!
Sweetie watches all his movies on his laptop with earbuds.
All I hear is the fan I use for white noise and ventilation.
My neighbors are quiet..all I hear is when the school kids come home for a few minutes.
I like the idea of the tort...
I am sure you can also find studies about health and noise as well as studying and noise.
I really sympathize...I consider that an intolerable intrusion.
That would well and truly and literally drive me out of my mind!
I am a quiet-junkie!
Sweetie watches all his movies on his laptop with earbuds.
All I hear is the fan I use for white noise and ventilation.
My neighbors are quiet..all I hear is when the school kids come home for a few minutes.
I like the idea of the tort...
I am sure you can also find studies about health and noise as well as studying and noise.
I really sympathize...I consider that an intolerable intrusion.
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