FiftyPence

Just like that Amy Winehouse song, my AW tells me tonight that I can forget about her going to rehab as we agreed for her to do via a mediator.

So, no more negotiating. An hour later I emailed my lawyer asking him to prepare to contest custody of the kids. In the past I'd try and reason with her, but this time around I just don't have the time or energy for it, or any of her alcohol-induced drama.

This is going to be a costly and stressful exercise but I feel confident that I'll get custody of the kids.

Still Waters

I thought she had already agreed?



We know how reliable active alcoholics are. Sorry to hear it though FP, honestly.

suki44883

Well, there ya go. At least now you know what you are dealing with and don't have to wait for it to drag out months and months.

FiftyPence

"We know how reliable active alcoholics are. Sorry to hear it though FP, honestly."

Ah, thanks for that but I was expecting this. It's not a surprise. Her reason is she refuses to spend six weeks away from the kids. Translation: she refuses to spend six weeks away from her nightly bottle of wine...

Fundamentally, she just doesn't want to stop drinking. Boo hoo.

missphit

good for you for not playing the game. i'm sorry you have to go through it but glad you know exactly what your plan is....go get em!!

naive

hi 50p-

aye, it's the bottle she can't part with. mine promised he'd go to rehab but when the rubber met the road, he had no intention of going. it was just another ploy to keep me around longer.

you've done your homework...you're in a good position to get custudy...

like i told myself "feet don't fail me now!"

naive

theuncertainty

Hang in there FiftyPence. The waiting to see what STBXAH was going to do was the hardest part for me. Once I found out how he was going to approach the divorce and custody, it was ... not easier, exactly, but I felt a little better knowing which way it was going.
Best wishes.

nodaybut2day

Ugh I remember tiptoeing around my XAH, wondering what his next move would be. Heck sometimes it's still that way. I did feel better when I just decided, much as you've done fiftypence, to take action regardless of what he decided ultimately because I got tired of walking on those damn eggshells.

I wish you luck in getting custody of your kids...they deserve a sane home life.

TeM

Fiftypence, mind if I borrow some resolve from you?

My AW just informed me that she's not ready to quit drinking... as I'm driving her home from the hospital. She fell and broke her ankle a week ago. She's in severe pain and will be recovering from this injury for about six months.

She assures me that she can drink just one drink a day.

I think I know where this is headed, but I haven't mustered the guts yet.

I'm glad you're heading for a resolution. Best of luck to you.

FiftyPence

Thanks eveyone for the words of encouragement. Just a quick observation about my AW. Anyone, but ANYONE (including her own sister) who talks to her about her addiction goes on her mental sh-tlist. So when the mediator included a period of rehab as part of the deal for her to get custody of the kids, this woman also went on the list.

Now AW refers to her scathingly as someone who's sexist, unprofessional etc etc. I requested using this mediator specifically because HER lawyer and HER therapist recommended her, so that she couldn't turn around and point fingers at my choice.

Now I'm realizing that I can apply all the strategy and all the logic in the world to try and reason with her, there will never be any logic in her response. I can't imagine what her "team" must be thinking right now. Her lawyer's correspondence to mine reflect the lies and contradictions she tells him, her therapist has recommended to her that she go with the mediator's plan. She's slowly isolating herself from everyone.

coyote21

That's good information to have, her Achilles Heel. My axw shot herself in the foot over and over again, in an attempt to control the whole situation. I would sometimes just stand back with my mouth agape in disbelief.

You situation sounds pretty cut and dried at this point. Maybe it won't be as costly as you first expected.

Good luck. I know you must be relieved how this is all playing out.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

SlvrMag

Exactly what coyote said, this is good info to have in court.

Sorry you have to go through this, but you are a good man!

FiftyPence

Ah, just had an excellent meeting with my lawyer. He agrees we need to act now, so we're going ahead with a formal appeal to the divorce summons (at last - it was served in MAY!).

He's just gobsmacked by AW's response to the mediation process. His words were, six weeks of rehab and three months of being monitored for usage is a tiny price to pay for custody of the children.

He also told me her lawyer has gone totally quiet on him. Her lawyer has a rep for being very aggressive and confrontational so his silence is telling.

The legal system is screwed here so my first court date would only be THREE YEARS from now, so what happens is we go for a thing called "interim custody" whereby custodial arrangements are made before the final settlement.

The weirdness, in this arrangement, if I'm made primary caregiver, she'd have to contribute to childrens' expenses. I'm basically imposing a "section 43" as it's known here, on myself, to ensure custody.

He says my chances of getting custody are excellent based on the circumstances and we must act now while we have the opportunity, so finally, some movement.

AW is behaving really strangely. She hasn't had a drink now in two evenings. She hasn't attempted that since January. And she's morose, totally fuming, I'm not sure about what but I suspect it's to do with the corner she's painted herself into. It's so horrid, we live in the same house but we hardly talk. It's been like this for about 18 months now.

FiftyPence

Wow, well, fourth evening and no drinking. This is some kind of a record. AW is white knuckling like crazy, still not saying a word to me. I think she is on some kind of a mission to prove something to herself and to me that she can quit on her own. Or she's trying to soften me up about pursuing custody.

I must say it's an absolute pleasure to have her sober around our two small children, to not have to worry about her stumbling around with our four year old daughter or breathing stink alcohol breath all over her or my son when she puts either one to bed - or to have to listen to her slurring her way through a bedtime story or talking drunk nonsense in my son's ears about our impending divorce.

I'm not spending too much time analyzing what her intentions are - they are her business entirely. I'm simply forging ahead with my plans for a custody appeal. She's quite mistaken if she thinks she's changing the game plan at this late stage.

I guess I should be feeling more grateful than I am about her efforts, but honestly, I think it's quite a cynical move on her part, like she's sort of adapting to the circumstances she finds herself in at the moment. It's probably wrong of me to feel this way, again I must remind myself that her intentions are her business.

naive

hi 50p-

i've seen my alcoholic sober up for weeks at a time when required. however, he always falls back on it eventually. i attended open AA for 6 months and what i learned is that it's not that difficult to quit alcohol for an alcoholic; however, it's difficult to sustain.

despite the circumstances, i'm delighted that you have the go-ahead to bring yourself and your two children to safety's shore.

i feel you are doing the right thing and i hope things work out in your favor.

naive

nodaybut2day

Yep, you're right. 4 days is a tiny drop in the bucket...

Try to remember that this is all part of a cycle which, without a program to support recovery, will continue on and on, worsening every time.

masuhanley

But it's still something.

FiftyPence

Yes you're right, put in context it is the longest time she's voluntarily not had a drink for in about two years, even though to me it's a short time.

Something I've noticed in the past is that eventually she will reward herself with... guess what?... a drink.

That's the problem I think with many attempts to stop made by alcoholics... it's really not about stopping but more about testing the waters of sobriety. And the truth is that, initially, sobriety is not all that great.

I think that, apart from the physical craving for alcohol, the alcoholic satisfies his or her own notion of control by quitting for a reasonable period, then resuming what they think is normal consumption after "proving" their ability to abstain.

naive

aye, for mine, quitting for a period of time only strengthened his false concept that he could control his drinking.

Freedom1990

It would be if it was coming from someone drop dead serious about recovery.

However, the fact she refused rehab and monitoring afterwards is very telling.

Believe me, she's white-knuckling it and trying to figure out how/when to get away with the next drink.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.