Ain't gonna go to rehab, no no no...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Believe me, she's white-knuckling it and trying to figure out how/when to get away with the next drink.
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.
I'm sorry if my previous response seemed to harsh and dismissive. I've just been here before as well. And being a Card-Carrying Codie who's seen this pattern in members who join, tell their story, struggle to gain understanding and put false hopes in their partner's short-lived efforts to quit without any support system, I want to spare you the disappointment that almost inevitably comes when their attempt fails.
But this is no doubt another lesson from HP trying to tell me to let others learn in their own time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Ah well, that didn't last long. The white knuckle ride is over. I mean, I can't say for sure she had a drink, but I'm pretty certain. She was really trying her best to "act" sober tonight.
This is upon returning from a night market with the children, in other words she had been driving too. It's just completely outrageous. I want to lay a criminal charge against her for driving drunk but how do I prove it, and how do I get the cops involved without scaring the daylights out of the kids?
I really wonder sometimes if she understands the gravity of her situation at the moment.
This is upon returning from a night market with the children, in other words she had been driving too. It's just completely outrageous. I want to lay a criminal charge against her for driving drunk but how do I prove it, and how do I get the cops involved without scaring the daylights out of the kids?
I really wonder sometimes if she understands the gravity of her situation at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by FiftyPence
Ah well, that didn't last long. The white knuckle ride is over. I mean, I can't say for sure she had a drink, but I'm pretty certain. She was really trying her best to "act" sober tonight.
This is upon returning from a night market with the children, in other words she had been driving too. It's just completely outrageous. I want to lay a criminal charge against her for driving drunk but how do I prove it, and how do I get the cops involved without scaring the daylights out of the kids?
I really wonder sometimes if she understands the gravity of her situation at the moment.
This is upon returning from a night market with the children, in other words she had been driving too. It's just completely outrageous. I want to lay a criminal charge against her for driving drunk but how do I prove it, and how do I get the cops involved without scaring the daylights out of the kids?
I really wonder sometimes if she understands the gravity of her situation at the moment.
I told my 22 year old that if I ever knew she were drinking and driving, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Well at the moment we're in the process of lodging my appeal. If I understand correctly, my lawyer must keep hers informed about what we're doing.
This would be in the form of a letter outlining what we intend doing but I guess my lawyer must also ask if they have any suggestions or ideas as to how to proceed from here.
I think he's taking a subtle dig at her lawyer because she must be a most frustrating client, she constantly rejects all proposals, yet in all the correspondence between them he's been desperately trying to paint a picture of me as a belligerent know-it-all who refuses to negotiate.
In terms of visitation, yes, I would want it supervised with some kind of a test for usage, a breathalyzer or something similar. We don't have the sophistication of interlock devices in this country, otherwise I'd really want that put in her car.
This would be in the form of a letter outlining what we intend doing but I guess my lawyer must also ask if they have any suggestions or ideas as to how to proceed from here.
I think he's taking a subtle dig at her lawyer because she must be a most frustrating client, she constantly rejects all proposals, yet in all the correspondence between them he's been desperately trying to paint a picture of me as a belligerent know-it-all who refuses to negotiate.
In terms of visitation, yes, I would want it supervised with some kind of a test for usage, a breathalyzer or something similar. We don't have the sophistication of interlock devices in this country, otherwise I'd really want that put in her car.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Is it possible for you to not let her take the kids anywhere?
Also, the question is, was she really over the limit tonight? Even small amounts of alcohol affect her quite severely, it's entirely possible she was under the 0.08 legal limit.
Coupled with living in a country (South Africa) that has a laid back attitude to drink driving, I think calling the police about her drink driving would be more of a symbolic gesture than actually being able to do anything about it in reality.
She got arrested two years ago for drink driving though, it was a really extreme case where she was weaving all over the road. Fortunately she did not have the kids in the car when it happened. And, the police and justice system being what it its here, she still hasn't appeared in court about it yet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Do yourself a favour...keep documenting any and all events in the form of a point form journal, with times and dates. You'll need this to prove a pattern of inaptitude.
My journal came in REAL handy when I was questioned by the judge who presided over my custody case.
My journal came in REAL handy when I was questioned by the judge who presided over my custody case.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
What I do in the form of journaling is, every time there's an incident I inform my lawyer of the details of it via email. We have a huge paper trail of incidents similar to the one I've described tonight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
FiftyPence, you wrote "I really wonder sometimes if she understands the gravity of her situation at the moment." The simple answer to your concern is NO she doesn't! Excessive drinking may result in memory loss and shrinkage of the brain. Research suggests that women are more vulnerable than men to the brain damaging effects of excessive alcohol use, and the damage tends to appear with shorter periods of excessive drinking for women than for men. Alcoholism causes "stinking thinking". I believe she does suffer from what the experts call blackouts; I just call this their foggy
thinking. Contrary to what might be assumed, the alcoholic does not actually pass out during these episodes. Instead, the alcoholic continues to function but is unable to remember what he or she has done or has been. Basically, the alcoholic simply can’t remember these episodes because the brain has either stored these memories improperly or has not stored them at all.
Alcoholics use psychological defenses in order to continue their addiction. These defenses range in severity from a psychotic level of functioning to borderline psychological functioning. Their primary defenses are denial, distortion and projection. They will try everything to control their environment to continue their addiction. Some of these control methods include controlling, displacement, dissociation, intellectualization, isolation, rationalization, and repression. You wrote your AW hasn't had a drink, that you know about, for the last four days. This is just another way of her trying to control her environment.
However, what concerns me the most is the fact your AW and you are still living under the same roof. This sounds like it can be a very dangerous arrangement. Have you ever heard of the movie, "War of the Roses"?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Roses_(film)
thinking. Contrary to what might be assumed, the alcoholic does not actually pass out during these episodes. Instead, the alcoholic continues to function but is unable to remember what he or she has done or has been. Basically, the alcoholic simply can’t remember these episodes because the brain has either stored these memories improperly or has not stored them at all.
Alcoholics use psychological defenses in order to continue their addiction. These defenses range in severity from a psychotic level of functioning to borderline psychological functioning. Their primary defenses are denial, distortion and projection. They will try everything to control their environment to continue their addiction. Some of these control methods include controlling, displacement, dissociation, intellectualization, isolation, rationalization, and repression. You wrote your AW hasn't had a drink, that you know about, for the last four days. This is just another way of her trying to control her environment.
However, what concerns me the most is the fact your AW and you are still living under the same roof. This sounds like it can be a very dangerous arrangement. Have you ever heard of the movie, "War of the Roses"?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Roses_(film)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by acdirito
However, what concerns me the most is the fact your AW and you are still living under the same roof. This sounds like it can be a very dangerous arrangement. Have you ever heard of the movie, "War of the Roses"?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Roses_(film)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Roses_(film)
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Just a note.. if you allow your wife to drive the children around, after knowing she has done so after drinking.. you can be liable for what could possibly happen to them, or any other people injured/killed god forbid..
If she ever drives after drinking again, call the police.
Never allow children to be driven around by an active alcoholic.. never.
Why are your children still in the same home with the woman you know renders them unsafe?? I don't care if you feel it's not 'fair' to leave your home, can't you protect your kids during this horrendous process??
If she ever drives after drinking again, call the police.
Never allow children to be driven around by an active alcoholic.. never.
Why are your children still in the same home with the woman you know renders them unsafe?? I don't care if you feel it's not 'fair' to leave your home, can't you protect your kids during this horrendous process??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Smacked, I'm acutely aware of what you're saying, it's been said to me before by other people here.
Over the past three months my family has been through a process of mediation and forensic investigation which my AW voluntarily participated in.
Just prior to that, I had two nasty incidents where she drove the kids while properly smashed. At the time I went to the police who recommended I go for a protection order on behalf of the kids to prevent her from ever driving with them in the car.
At that stage I didn't want to jeopardize the mediation process by taking a hard stance over the drink driving incidents.
Now that the mediation process is over I feel more able to act on this kind of behaviour.
Why am I still in the same home? Before the findings of the mediator/investigator, If I simply "took" the kids, on what grounds could I have done it? My word against hers that she's a habitual drunk?
I'm in a better position now to make some decisions about moving the kids away from my AW, it's something I must think about.
Over the past three months my family has been through a process of mediation and forensic investigation which my AW voluntarily participated in.
Just prior to that, I had two nasty incidents where she drove the kids while properly smashed. At the time I went to the police who recommended I go for a protection order on behalf of the kids to prevent her from ever driving with them in the car.
At that stage I didn't want to jeopardize the mediation process by taking a hard stance over the drink driving incidents.
Now that the mediation process is over I feel more able to act on this kind of behaviour.
Why am I still in the same home? Before the findings of the mediator/investigator, If I simply "took" the kids, on what grounds could I have done it? My word against hers that she's a habitual drunk?
I'm in a better position now to make some decisions about moving the kids away from my AW, it's something I must think about.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi 50p-
what guarantee do you have that she won't drive with your two darling children drunk?
she might be white-knuckling it now, but i would render a guess that won't last long...
perhaps best to take the car keys off of her...
please forgive me if i overstep my boundaries here, but all it takes is one bad judgement call on her part.
naive
what guarantee do you have that she won't drive with your two darling children drunk?
she might be white-knuckling it now, but i would render a guess that won't last long...
perhaps best to take the car keys off of her...
please forgive me if i overstep my boundaries here, but all it takes is one bad judgement call on her part.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi FiftyPence. I hope you get full custody soon. And yes, a few days they are actually sober mean nothing in my book unless its their decision for sobriety which this woman seems far away from.
Do you have any family or close friends that could help driving the kids to places, instead of it being AW? or perhaps, maybe they could stay at a friend's from school while the custody arrangements are made? do you have any such family that can be trusted? if something happens to the kids or 3rd parties you will not be able to forgive yourself. If I understand correctly you are able to file the protection order now, then? I hope you submit that soon. That may also help during the custody arrangements, for you to show you have done everything possible to protect the kids.
All the best during this transition, it is heartbreaking but hopefully your kids and you will be OK and safe, soon.
Do you have any family or close friends that could help driving the kids to places, instead of it being AW? or perhaps, maybe they could stay at a friend's from school while the custody arrangements are made? do you have any such family that can be trusted? if something happens to the kids or 3rd parties you will not be able to forgive yourself. If I understand correctly you are able to file the protection order now, then? I hope you submit that soon. That may also help during the custody arrangements, for you to show you have done everything possible to protect the kids.
All the best during this transition, it is heartbreaking but hopefully your kids and you will be OK and safe, soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
