kia

well and im ashamed to right all this but well u are my friends and who else can i tell but u on here cos most have been threw it i was a willing participent in an alcoholics drama production.

Never saw it till it ended how i was playing my part in the drama too put him back on yesterday and immeditely he spoke to me although i truly didnt think i had actually taken him off and blocked him and i did do cos tonite he was begging me not to do that again that he needed me.

Started about 9 last night with a rant of words saying she had done it to him again could he fix things with me he was sorry and was it too late and me i sucked right back in.Said yes i still loved him although as i said to daughter im only 50 per cent commited this time cos didnt trust the bs words or fall for the quacking quite so much think i convniced him though.

Going on about how much he loves me always had only used her to make me jealous and how he wanted me to come back and yes u got it i went for it well half of me did cyncial part didnt this time.Promised me he meant it that she was history that she wasnt coming back even though all her things were still there and that he never backs out of a promise always follows threw hmmm i said ok but inside it was like hmmm we shall see.So agreed to go tomorrow on understanding she wouldnt be there made him promise more bs promises.

Then today messages middle of night got em this morning when got up loves u always wants to be with me that shes history and then last message shes back again well i flipped but he lied his way out again said shes only staying here cos no where else to go that he dont trust her anymore and wont get back with her arguments all day till this evening he phoned the police to come and take her away cos he was scared of her she assaulted him.

Now most normal folk that would be it eh end of drama policew banned her from coming back to his flat but whats he do let her back in and she does whatever drunk tarts do and hey were back together love and i want u to stay friends with me please so hence the merry go round goes round again this is like history going round all over again only difference is ive taken on role of his other ex and shes taken my role but only prob with this is shes a physcho and im normal well i was till i met him now i scream down the phone like a banshee and i even think christ this isnt me whats happened to me wheres all my sense of pride gone and to that honest answer is i dont know.

I have come to the conclusion i need to go to more than one meeting a week once a week isnt enough too long in between.So here i am now still here still been told he loves me as a gf and partner in front of her to her face and then 5 mins later trying to deny it so playing us both off against each other i mean its occured am i doing this cos im a woman scorned and do i want him right were i want him then hit him where it hurts him most i dont know right now to be honest cos im not sure i can ever let him touch me again even though ive said im ok with it im not by any stretch of the imagination i dont even feel a flinch when he trys to talk sex on the phone theres just nothing there i do feel i need to look him in the face and see what i still feel for him is there any feeling left there cos the words im saying are very empty now i think hes killed me heart cos im protecting it so tight now from been hurt i dunno now if theres anything left to feel for anyone let alone the guy i thought i loved i do want my things back though he has no right to now have anything that means anything to mean my mum would want me to have them teddies back again her ones anyhow have rambled enough xx

Tally

I think he's just confirming over and over again why he's bad for you. Seems like he's playing games, wanting to see how bad he can treat you, how much you'll take and then see if you'll go back to him, before changing his mind again.

Live

Kia, I agree with more meetings...they do really seem to be helping you to make steps and think of your welfare ......
.....and I really, really hope that there isn't a re-run of this scenario...
I don't think there is any chance of him changing it but you do have that chance...and you deserve it.

acdirito

Being in a relationship with an alcholic is like we got stuck on the replay button of a video. Play it again, Sam! We live on a merry-go-round that just doesn't stop. However, we do have the power to get off the merry-go-round or as I have told the alcholic in my life, it's like talking to a door. When we get tired of talking to the door, and not getting any response from it, we always have the option of turning the knob, and walking out the door. Nobody ever promised us a bed of roses. It's not going to be easy! The changes we need to take will take us out of our "comfort zone", and we are just naturally scared of the unknown. Nobody deserves to be a punching bag, either physically, verbally or sexually. It sounds like your alcholic enjoys using you as a punching bag. I recommend you run as fast as you can away from your alcholic. By you staying in this relationship you're allowing him to destroy your self-esteem. I recommend you start attending as many Ala-non meetings as possible. Keep reaching out to your friends here on SR. We have been there and have lived it! It sounds like you need to build up your self-esteem. However, as long as you stay in your relationship with your alcholic it will be two steps forward, one step backwards.

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

dollydo

I must ask myself WHY? Why does Kia keep doing this to herself?

I sincerely hope that you finally allow yourself to move forward without him, he has nothing to offer you....so again I ask WHY?

Babyblue

Unhealthy attention, no matter how toxic, is still attention. You deserve HEALTHY attention from a HEALTHY person in a healty relationship Kia. What he is offering you isn't love. It is manipulation and emotional abuse. Love has nothing to do with this.

Any time another woman is involved, then it is time to really take a hard look at the person you are dealing with. Hope you find some peace soon. Have you considered therapy? (in addition to meetings).

kia

i wasnt sure about the therapy side of things whether to do or not cos its a waiting list thing prob about 6 months and well i did think till last night i was on top of things but the washing machine stomach and head is back again so having probs eating and sleeping again so maybe i do need it and yes more meetings i do have the phone number of someone from the meetings but my mobys been cut off and i know if i text her she would talk to me hopefully pay it today my benefits didnt go in yesterday so couldnt pay it got my daughters 21st next week so i am cutting him off msn till after that so i can get my head out of the fog thats there right now xxx

Bolina

Kia, sorry to hear you've had a rough time. It's a shame that you haven't got more meetings to go to. They are a bit thin on the ground, especially considering how much drinking goes on in the UK.

Have you thought about going to an open AA meeting? I think seeing recovery in action whichever side of the equation it is modelled is incredibly helpful. I had a look on the UK AA website (Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) Great Britain )and saw that there is an open AA meeting tomorrow night. Anyone can go to an open AA meeting.

Meeting Name: SOUTHPORT, SATURDAY Meeting
Description: Time: 20.00
Open/Closed: All mtgs 'open'.
Day: Saturday
Address: St Peter's Community Centre, St Peters Church, St Peters Rd, Birkdale.

Did you get Codependent No More? There are some good questions at the end of each chapter. Other books that might be helpful are in some Book Club sticky posts at the top of the forum. Maybe a trip to the library would be helpful.

The thing is, Kia, you are being blown about in the wind created by him. It's difficult, I know, but the only person that can stop this is YOU. One of the wisest things I have ever read about being involved with someone who is an addict is: Work as hard on your own recovery as you would wish they would work on theirs.

There is a Step Study board on here, but it's not very active at the moment. Shall we have a go at getting a bit more going on it? Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

kia

u see my heads immersed in fog atm i havent picked a book in weeks cant concentrate on the words i can read on here which i do alot of cos its comforting knowing others are going threw it too does that make sense but picking up a book even that one my mind wont stop whirling and i cant step of the spinning wheel even though its making me sick i dunno if i can make that meeting as i dont drive and thats a bit away from me theres one in the town area although need to make sure its an open AA meeting theres a guy at my meeting place i can ask him he actually suggested it too to help me and i think were doing guest speakers from AA in nov sometimes so that will be interesting and it will be open to AA members too i will find out when thats on though the one here and also the extra meetings cos i know theres one on the liverpool line and its near the train station xx