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Waited for it to happen and it did

Old 10-14-2010, 08:45 AM
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Waited for it to happen and it did

Hello,
i'm a first time poster, but i've been lurking for awhile.

I moved out a month and half ago, from a AH who i didn't think "had that bad of a problem". he didn't drink everyday, but when he did he was unbearable, annoying, everything. Completely emotionally disconncted from me and our daughter. Well i after i moved out he stopped drinking, went to treatment for 4 days, and stayed sober, until last night.

i had been "dating" him, and it was going ok. it felt awkward and not right, but i was trying to make myself just do it. Someone else that had been close to me had begun pushing me away, and it pushed me right back. then we got in an argument, and i cried for an hour. Made me realize i had been stuffing all the anger and resentment, and stopped talking to him. i couldn't put it into words, and i devasted him. he thought all was well, and we were going to work it out, even went to marriage counseling. but i couldn't do it. i couldn't kiss him, i couldn't act like it was ok. it was just me thinking i could to take the easy way out.

well after the berating text messages that this was all my fault in the middle of the night, and then the apologies this morning, then the yelling, then the apologies, i told him this can't be fixed. and i'm done and it's over. i already live on my own, and i love it there. When i would go to his house to pick up my daughter it brought nothing but sadness, but i don't miss it. it was never home.

i went to Al Anon last night, thankfully because i had been skipping it, and i know this is not my fault for his relapse and his unhappiness and this whole situation, but a little reassurance would be nice.

p.s. we own a bar, so that has always been his excuse, and has complicated this situation ten fold. if i had known what it would lead to, i would have never signed my name to it.
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:13 AM
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I'm sorry it had to come to this Fighter, but your screen name is rather fitting considering the strength and honesty you've shown in this situation. You gave the marriage another shot but you were honest enough to admit that it really wasn't working for you. I know it's so hard to let the other person down, but in a very real sense, he'd been letting you down for a long time, to the point where you felt alone in your partnership. The outcome of this situation--your decision to leave permanently, is one of the consequences of his past behaviour.

Please take care of yourself and keep going to Al-Anon. I also found individual counselling very useful for me.

*hugs* and officially to SR.
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:21 AM
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Having just signed my divorce papers to free me from AH, I completely know where you are coming from.
Its so hard to go through all the turmoil and chaos, but the other side is peace. You have that at your own place and its worth its weight in gold, isn't it?
Take it one day at a time, and don't beat yourself up. YOU did not cause his problem . I know you know this.
Please take care of your finacial well being. It will bite you in the rear later if you don't, no matter how difficult it is.
I had to put my lawyers fees on a cc, but I am so glad that I had her to take care of all the legal stuff.
Blessings on you and your child. H
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:35 AM
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Welcome,
Glad to see a newcomer taking control of the situation as well as you are. You have good instincts, and you cannot fake what you don't feel. Good for you.
Keep reading and posting and going to Al-Anon. Enjoy the serenity that comes when we choose to leave the madness behind.
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:48 AM
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Home is where the heart is, isn't it?

My home is free of the insanity of active alcoholism. It's my haven, my safe place.

I am sorry for your pain and sadness, but am glad you found us here at SR!
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Old 10-14-2010, 09:59 AM
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I tried to date my first XH after being separated...like you, it just didnt click even though I tried being "reasonable".
I remember well that last date (and drinking wasn't the issue)...but we went somewhere new to see the trees turn, walked around all day looking in shops and having a really nice lunch etc..holding hands
when we got back to town...he headed straight to a nightclub...I walked in, looked around and asked him to take me home...I knew that we just weren't on the same page and I didn't want to go where he was.
And I sure didn't want to kiss him good night.
That was the end of the line for me.
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:01 AM
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"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
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Old 10-14-2010, 01:14 PM
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He just got done blaming me for not working this out, that i'm making this choice. he is very manipulative and very good at throwing the guilt at me, making me forget all the things he's done to me. It hurts, and i'm very mad, but i'm not wavering. i'm listening to my heart.

i have someone else in my life who has been emotionally supportive for years, and i was worried that he was the only reason i was doing this, and i've come to the conclusion in my heart and mind that he's not, and i'm peaceful with that.

AH just told me we are meeting with a mediator tomorrow. told him my only concern is my daughter, she is the only asset i want, and i won't waver. typical him, going from crying , to yelling, to "let's get divorced tomorrow". i can't wait until this is overwith.
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Old 10-14-2010, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by fighter1010 View Post
He just got done blaming me for not working this out, that i'm making this choice. he is very manipulative and very good at throwing the guilt at me
Heck yeah you are making this choice! Own it and be dang proud of it!

You are taking control of your life and your daughter's life. You are removing the alcoholic drama from your day-to-day living and seeking a better life. Nothing to feel guilty about.

He chose alcohol.

Best to you and your daughter as you continue your recovery journey from active alcoholism.
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Old 10-14-2010, 06:32 PM
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hey, fighter, welcome to sober recovery!

you "sound" pretty darned good. that is a really good sign of things to come.

want you to know, you can post here as often as you like, and peeps will always come along and give you advice, comfort, or a swift kick!

i live in the twin cities...if you do and you'd ever like to hang out
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Old 10-14-2010, 06:52 PM
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Yes, you are making the choice, the choice to be free!
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Old 10-14-2010, 07:09 PM
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You are strong, this is good, and, your priorities are right on, your daughter first!

Keep posting,it will heklp!
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:30 AM
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Just gone done discussing our mediation with AH. it didn't go too bad, although i think i'm giving up a lot. HOwever, in the long run, money is just money, and things are just things. i have my daughter, and that's all that matters. i can tell she is already at peace, and the scary thing is that she NEVER asks to see her dad, or says she misses him, nothing. it's like he's just another person who baby sits her. He's being very manipulative and bullying me about stuff, but i see it now that is how he does it. it bugs him so much that i'm not this weak little woman who will do and agree with whatever he says to prevent a fight.

i looked around at my new place for the first time today with the realization i'm going to be here for awhile. for the last month i just kept assuming i would eventually be moving home, so i didn't do much as far as making it a home. but now i know i won't be going back, and i'm ok with that. and i'm excited to get this place decorated and feel like it's where i belong.

i love reading all these posts of encouragement. when i have a weak moment that i'm not doing the right thing, or when he gets to me, i just come back here and read them over and over again, and know that there are others suffering too. thank you everyone. i will update you on how things are going.
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:43 AM
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Bravo!!!!

SO MUCH FUN doing up your own place just exactly the way you want!!!
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:55 AM
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I hope you have a lawyer and will get 50% of the assets........
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Heck yeah you are making this choice! Own it and be dang proud of it!
This is EXACTLY what I was going to type! So, I agree! Ignore the shaming and blaming and KNOW in your heart you are making the RIGHT choice.
Don't beat yourself up about going with something you knew was not going to work. I used to do that all the time. In fact, I probably still do. So thanks for sharing that reminder with me. I think you are doing GREAT WORK!
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