Man I'm dating just informed me he's an alcoholic; help!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
As has already been said once or twice, I would be more concerned about the untreated (or untreatable?) depression, and lack of recovery..
I'm an alcoholic, in recovery. I use listerine, I don't drink it.. I also cook with vanilla extract. There's lots of debate about whether or not this is something an alcoholic 'can' or 'should' do..
I wouldn't be able to date someone that was so depressed he would stay in bed often.. you have a CHOICE right now, before marriage, finances, etc etc could be tied up together and you find out you made the wrong one.. think wisely.
I'm an alcoholic, in recovery. I use listerine, I don't drink it.. I also cook with vanilla extract. There's lots of debate about whether or not this is something an alcoholic 'can' or 'should' do..
I wouldn't be able to date someone that was so depressed he would stay in bed often.. you have a CHOICE right now, before marriage, finances, etc etc could be tied up together and you find out you made the wrong one.. think wisely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Kaaawa 
it's just a case of my having a hunch that something wasn't quite right
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I agree with the other responders; lots of red flags here. But this, particularly, stood out for me:
Sleeping for 2-3 days--not a problem for a significant other--he means YOU. I don't know of any woman who wouldn't have a problem with this. Sure, sleeping it off for 2-3 days is not a problem--FOR HIM.
At least I'll give him credit for being mostly honest (I still believe he may be drinking) about being a lousy partner. I learned a lot of hard lessons when I attempted to live with an alcoholic and one of them is this:
When people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM. If this guy had more money than Bill Gates, I'd still run in the other direction. No amount of money can make up for the shortcomings he's fessed up to.
I'd thank him for fessing up and then politely exit stage right.
When his depression gets severe, he sleeps a lot for two or three days. He claims that is not a problem for a significant other.
At least I'll give him credit for being mostly honest (I still believe he may be drinking) about being a lousy partner. I learned a lot of hard lessons when I attempted to live with an alcoholic and one of them is this:
When people tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM. If this guy had more money than Bill Gates, I'd still run in the other direction. No amount of money can make up for the shortcomings he's fessed up to.
I'd thank him for fessing up and then politely exit stage right.
), I wouldn't date a guy with 50 years sobriety if I were single.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Run Forrest Run
I know it's only been a month, and while proceeding with cautious optimism is an option, I'd run like heck.
How has he managed to keep this great job if he sleeps for 2-3 days at a time? What kind of significant other wouldn't have a problem with that? Sounds like a set up for ("now you see me now you don't") disappearing acts to come.
How has he managed to keep this great job if he sleeps for 2-3 days at a time? What kind of significant other wouldn't have a problem with that? Sounds like a set up for ("now you see me now you don't") disappearing acts to come.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
An XABF arrives drunk to work. 9 AM midweek and he is STILL drunk.
He has been employed for 2 years and some people say "he is doing great, hasn't arrived drunk lately". The boss is in another country.
Some alkies are functional in other levels. Other's denial (or lack of attention to their empoyees) also helps That does not mean they do not have a disease and the life of anyone that comes to close, becomes hell in no time.
Performing arts - you can keep going to the events, by yourself, or with other friends.
Nice home-you could work towards obtaining a nice place for yourself too. Or take a vacation somewhere beautiful. Material possessions are not worth sanity. In yoga there is also a branch that is called Contentment. There are many beautiful places that one doesn't have the fortune to enjoy, but you can be content with what you have.
I took this from another thread from the user called FormerDoormat. You already got #1:
Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse
I was going to post this at a later date, but since a new member is asking how to protect her infant today, I thought it best to post it now. Following is a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal abuse:
1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger.
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects.
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct.
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses.
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior.
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fuction, or history.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for her children)
He has been employed for 2 years and some people say "he is doing great, hasn't arrived drunk lately". The boss is in another country.
Some alkies are functional in other levels. Other's denial (or lack of attention to their empoyees) also helps That does not mean they do not have a disease and the life of anyone that comes to close, becomes hell in no time.
Performing arts - you can keep going to the events, by yourself, or with other friends.
Nice home-you could work towards obtaining a nice place for yourself too. Or take a vacation somewhere beautiful. Material possessions are not worth sanity. In yoga there is also a branch that is called Contentment. There are many beautiful places that one doesn't have the fortune to enjoy, but you can be content with what you have.
I took this from another thread from the user called FormerDoormat. You already got #1:
Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse
I was going to post this at a later date, but since a new member is asking how to protect her infant today, I thought it best to post it now. Following is a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal abuse:
1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger.
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects.
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct.
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses.
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior.
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fuction, or history.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for her children)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Bliss, VA
Posts: 4
With your help, I now have a heightened awareness of the things I find odd and/or distasteful in this otherwise-happy friendship. Regardless of what happens, I plan to attend an Al-Anon meeting nearby next week. I am posting to a recovery forum, I have already been affected by his aloholism. I'll take the time to learn a bit more, hoping I can spot such trouble sooner in the future.
Of course, I can't answer the many questions raised by what he said. Two educated guesses:
** I think he told me about the booze in the house, and the Listerine, in order to imply that he has excellent control of his alcoholism. OTOH, what if he was warning me? No, no roommates to explain the booze, but he has had previous dates over.
** It's possible that he hasn't done a 2-3 day sleep, or at least not very often, during his long years with this employer. But he's planning to retire soon and is apprehensive about it. Apparently he's planning to do a big sleep-in soon, I agree.
More red flags: he's been working for this employer for more than the 25 years he's been sober, and he's qualified to retire any time he wants. A couple weeks ago, he said he was "concerned" about retiring. I thought he meant, because he'll suddenly have lots of unstructured time -- which can lead to anxiety/depression in mentally healthy people. I've had a lot of unstructured time due to working for myself and then being a caregiver for my gravely ill husband. So I offered my standard suggestions.
Later, he asked me what time I get up in the morning; when I said I think HE should be sure to get up at a set hour (because of the retirement phenomenon), he asked why not sleep till he wants to get up. I said, "I think it might be too big a change."
I especially want to thank the recovering alcoholics who replied to me. That takes a certain brand of humility. Every single comment has been helpful. How lucky can I be?
Of course, I can't answer the many questions raised by what he said. Two educated guesses:
** I think he told me about the booze in the house, and the Listerine, in order to imply that he has excellent control of his alcoholism. OTOH, what if he was warning me? No, no roommates to explain the booze, but he has had previous dates over.
** It's possible that he hasn't done a 2-3 day sleep, or at least not very often, during his long years with this employer. But he's planning to retire soon and is apprehensive about it. Apparently he's planning to do a big sleep-in soon, I agree.
More red flags: he's been working for this employer for more than the 25 years he's been sober, and he's qualified to retire any time he wants. A couple weeks ago, he said he was "concerned" about retiring. I thought he meant, because he'll suddenly have lots of unstructured time -- which can lead to anxiety/depression in mentally healthy people. I've had a lot of unstructured time due to working for myself and then being a caregiver for my gravely ill husband. So I offered my standard suggestions.
Later, he asked me what time I get up in the morning; when I said I think HE should be sure to get up at a set hour (because of the retirement phenomenon), he asked why not sleep till he wants to get up. I said, "I think it might be too big a change."
I especially want to thank the recovering alcoholics who replied to me. That takes a certain brand of humility. Every single comment has been helpful. How lucky can I be?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I wrote this in a post a month or two ago and got blasted here. Here it goes again...
Run far and run fast. You hardly know this man. He is toxic (to a degree you are not yet aware of).
The buzz of new and exciting relationships is fun. Adrenaline, hormones, romance. Episodes of 2-3 days of depression or drinking or leave me alone I feel badly behavior. No thanks! He told you what you can EXPECT. It WILL happen and like others said, he already warned you. Will you love him enough to overcome his demons? Why wait to find out? There are healthy people in the world who do not come with toxic BS.
Hugs
Run far and run fast. You hardly know this man. He is toxic (to a degree you are not yet aware of).
The buzz of new and exciting relationships is fun. Adrenaline, hormones, romance. Episodes of 2-3 days of depression or drinking or leave me alone I feel badly behavior. No thanks! He told you what you can EXPECT. It WILL happen and like others said, he already warned you. Will you love him enough to overcome his demons? Why wait to find out? There are healthy people in the world who do not come with toxic BS.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I would expect after 25 years of sobriety (assuming that's really the case), he should be able to say something to a partner like, "You might have noticed I don't drink. Twenty-five years ago I got help for my alcoholism, and while I'll always consider myself an alcoholic, that chapter of my life is over, and now [insert indication that he has an actual life and self-concept outside of endless AA navel-gazing]."
Instead of: "Welcome to my Strange and Dramatic Alcoholic World!" which was he said to you, essentially.
Honestly, sleeping for 2-3 days may or may not be a huge problem for a partner. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, but eh: we all have bad times. When I get upset I do Projects like re-upholstering chairs or baking big batches of bread. It might be nicer for my friends if I just slept instead.
He's right that retiring can be a stressful thing. Not sure why you're "offering suggestions" or recommending how he structure his day. Sheesh, you've only been dating a short time, what's that about?
And about the alcohol around the house? Its presence alone isn't necessarily a huge deal--maybe someone gifted him a bottle of wine or whatever. But he's sure making a big deal about it. I'm trying to imagine him saying, "But didn't you *notice* all the alcohol around?" as if trying to bait you into being scared/concerned/confused. It makes him seem like a drama queen.
I know there are great qualities to this guy, but a month into a relationship you're still supposed to be all twitterpated and amazed with someone, not acting as their therapist and asking a bunch of strangers whether he seems like bad news. That in itself should tell you something.
Instead of: "Welcome to my Strange and Dramatic Alcoholic World!" which was he said to you, essentially.
Honestly, sleeping for 2-3 days may or may not be a huge problem for a partner. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, but eh: we all have bad times. When I get upset I do Projects like re-upholstering chairs or baking big batches of bread. It might be nicer for my friends if I just slept instead.
He's right that retiring can be a stressful thing. Not sure why you're "offering suggestions" or recommending how he structure his day. Sheesh, you've only been dating a short time, what's that about?
And about the alcohol around the house? Its presence alone isn't necessarily a huge deal--maybe someone gifted him a bottle of wine or whatever. But he's sure making a big deal about it. I'm trying to imagine him saying, "But didn't you *notice* all the alcohol around?" as if trying to bait you into being scared/concerned/confused. It makes him seem like a drama queen.
I know there are great qualities to this guy, but a month into a relationship you're still supposed to be all twitterpated and amazed with someone, not acting as their therapist and asking a bunch of strangers whether he seems like bad news. That in itself should tell you something.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Dating someone is about getting to know people to see if they are a good fit, if you are comfortable with them etc. Dating isn't a project to see what you can fix or find out and it isn't a marathon to see how long you can hang in there and against what odds. I've made this mistake.
There are lots of 'fish in the sea'. Dating is like fishing. Fun but keep fishing until you find your keeper and throw the rest back. I've made that mistake too.
Listen to your gut feelings.
Don't keep a boyfriend that isn't your best fit. Don't hang in there just to finish the race. Now is the time to make decisions because the longer you wait, the more you get entangled and invested.
If you think of it that way you don't have to spend 5 more minutes trying to read between the lines of what he said. Just go with how you feel. Take care of yourself.
There are lots of 'fish in the sea'. Dating is like fishing. Fun but keep fishing until you find your keeper and throw the rest back. I've made that mistake too.
Listen to your gut feelings.
Don't keep a boyfriend that isn't your best fit. Don't hang in there just to finish the race. Now is the time to make decisions because the longer you wait, the more you get entangled and invested.
If you think of it that way you don't have to spend 5 more minutes trying to read between the lines of what he said. Just go with how you feel. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I don't think I've ever "considered" taking a relationship into a deeper level, doesn't that gradually happen as time passes and you get to know and like and trust each other more? but then I make lousy relationship decisions, so what do I know?
My flags would be
1) you give him advice about his life, he disagrees, you are annoyed/piqued/emotionally invested in him agreeing with you, even though its all completely hypothetical.
2) you are trying to interpret his motivations for telling you things in a certain way - what's that about? if you don't understand why he said something, why don't you ask him, and he can explain his motivations/why he said something and you can reflect on whether his explanation makes sense/feels right.
3) you feel that something isn't right
4) he checks out for days because of depression whatever, and tells you that this isn't a problem for other people. Other people get to decide what is a problem for them not him.
5) he tells you that when intoxicated enough to check out for 2-3 days he is just sleepy not mean: how is this relevant to now if he is not drinking anymore? how does he know whether he was mean or not? mean is pretty much in the eye of the beholder, see point above.
7) you mention sex addiction, after a month of being with him,
8) right now he is facing his very shiniest side towards you, his absolute best behaviour, this is the pinnacle of how good he gets.
from what you have said I agree with Jazz, it could well be a well planned set-up, if you stick around he'll soon try a 2-3 day "sleep-a-thon" to test how you deal with that, he's already warned you that he feels one coming. Does it matter if he checks out because of alcohol/depression/little green men abducting him/ added to which you have known him a month, he says he's going to retire soon, perhaps, who knows, all change, no job, less income? do you work?
sure there's good stuff as well, otherwise he wouldn't have lasted a month, but slowly, slowly never seems to be bad advice when it comes to starting a relationship...
My flags would be
1) you give him advice about his life, he disagrees, you are annoyed/piqued/emotionally invested in him agreeing with you, even though its all completely hypothetical.
2) you are trying to interpret his motivations for telling you things in a certain way - what's that about? if you don't understand why he said something, why don't you ask him, and he can explain his motivations/why he said something and you can reflect on whether his explanation makes sense/feels right.
3) you feel that something isn't right
4) he checks out for days because of depression whatever, and tells you that this isn't a problem for other people. Other people get to decide what is a problem for them not him.
5) he tells you that when intoxicated enough to check out for 2-3 days he is just sleepy not mean: how is this relevant to now if he is not drinking anymore? how does he know whether he was mean or not? mean is pretty much in the eye of the beholder, see point above.
7) you mention sex addiction, after a month of being with him,
8) right now he is facing his very shiniest side towards you, his absolute best behaviour, this is the pinnacle of how good he gets.
from what you have said I agree with Jazz, it could well be a well planned set-up, if you stick around he'll soon try a 2-3 day "sleep-a-thon" to test how you deal with that, he's already warned you that he feels one coming. Does it matter if he checks out because of alcohol/depression/little green men abducting him/ added to which you have known him a month, he says he's going to retire soon, perhaps, who knows, all change, no job, less income? do you work?
sure there's good stuff as well, otherwise he wouldn't have lasted a month, but slowly, slowly never seems to be bad advice when it comes to starting a relationship...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I used to hole up for 2 days a month due to PMS and cramps....I never once thought that made me undesirable for a relationship...and am glad others didn't either.
Not to sidetrack...but some of the responses really surprise me!
And I do have depression and do sometimes go to my "cave"
I need alot of time to myself
I will never be 100% available to someone else 100% of the time nor do I expect anyone else to be???
am I that strange?
Not to sidetrack...but some of the responses really surprise me!
And I do have depression and do sometimes go to my "cave"
I need alot of time to myself
I will never be 100% available to someone else 100% of the time nor do I expect anyone else to be???
am I that strange?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 60
Like everyone else here, after being and ending a relationship with an alcoholic, i would say run away while you still can.
HOWEVER, knowing myself, if I had come here a month into my relationship with my XAGF, posted all the red flags and warning signs I saw, I'm sure everyone would have said to run away as well. I"m also 99% sure I would have ignored all the warnings and continued with the relationship anyway.
If I knew then what I know now, I think I would have continued anyway, because I did have good times with her, and that experience now part of my life.
No one here knows you and no one knows your boyfriend. Every case is different and not all alcoholics are the same. Many people here, including myself, have suffered due to a relationship with an alcoholic, and having gone through that, can advise other people to stay away from similar situations, but the final decision is yours. If you do decide to stay, be prepared for a lot of heartache. Or as the saying goes: expect the worst and hope for the best.
Good luck!
HOWEVER, knowing myself, if I had come here a month into my relationship with my XAGF, posted all the red flags and warning signs I saw, I'm sure everyone would have said to run away as well. I"m also 99% sure I would have ignored all the warnings and continued with the relationship anyway.
If I knew then what I know now, I think I would have continued anyway, because I did have good times with her, and that experience now part of my life.
No one here knows you and no one knows your boyfriend. Every case is different and not all alcoholics are the same. Many people here, including myself, have suffered due to a relationship with an alcoholic, and having gone through that, can advise other people to stay away from similar situations, but the final decision is yours. If you do decide to stay, be prepared for a lot of heartache. Or as the saying goes: expect the worst and hope for the best.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by Live
I used to hole up for 2 days a month due to PMS and cramps....I never once thought that made me undesirable for a relationship...and am glad others didn't either.
Not to sidetrack...but some of the responses really surprise me!
And I do have depression and do sometimes go to my "cave"
I need alot of time to myself
I will never be 100% available to someone else 100% of the time nor do I expect anyone else to be???
am I that strange?
Not to sidetrack...but some of the responses really surprise me!
And I do have depression and do sometimes go to my "cave"
I need alot of time to myself
I will never be 100% available to someone else 100% of the time nor do I expect anyone else to be???
am I that strange?
I wouldn't want someone to be available 24/7, doesn't make anyone who does want that wrong. I have depression, doesn't make anyone who doesn't want to live with that wrong either, or who would find me retreating to my cave difficult to deal with or emotionally fulfilling wrong. There are few/no (?) universal constants in relationships, there are people for whom 2 days every month with a spouse being ill, in pain, unable to fully contributute to family life, would be more than they could bear.
I for example would have no truck with a relationship with someone who was training to be an elite athlete, all that "my body is a temple" nonsense, restrictive diets, punishing regimes, global travel, fame etc, I think it unlikely knowing myself that I would want to share in that world, many people would just LOVE that.
OP gets to decides what works for her. but it's best to pick someone who already delivers whatever it is you want, rather than try and change the goods on offer.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Trust your "girl" intuition
I tell my daughters to trust their "girl" intuition!! If something does not feel right, it probably isnt!! I am married to an alocholic, he is the most AMAZING, LOVING man I have ever met, UNTIL he drinks. All of the signs where in my face when I married him and I questioned it, but did not listen to my "girl" intuition!
You have lot's of support here!!!
You have lot's of support here!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Bliss, VA
Posts: 4
Man I'm dating just informed me he's an alcoholic; help!
Just wanted to let everyone know that my relationship with this man is over. It did not end necessarily because of the alcoholism ... I happen to think he hasn't had a drink for a long time. It ended due to a difference we had in a different area. He's a nice guy, and I miss him. Thank you for all the support and information. I learned a lot from you here at SR. All the best to you!
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