HELP! I'm losing my mind!

Old 10-12-2010, 02:16 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
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HELP! I'm losing my mind!

I feel like I'm someone who "Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage from my 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. After another two weeks in a rehab hospital I was discharged to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. I suffered immobility problems and have trouble moving around. I begged him on several occasions to take time off from work to help arrange my house so I could maneaver around it in my power chair. He made a comment about my stroke, almost dying, and coming back to life, only by the grace of God, as, "If we didn't have bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all." He, also, told me concerning my belongings, that "I didn't come into this world with anything, and that I will be going out without anything." He just refused to be there when I really needed him! Forget about the marriage vows "in sickness and in health." I received more care and compassion from my three border collies than him.

The only way I got any attention from him was by me calling his psychriatrist and telling him that my DDH basically wasn't functioning at the house. I guess the psychriatrist finally made some sense to my DDH. He came home from his doctor's appointment at least willing to do somethings. However, by this time I felt like it was a day short, and a dollar short. I have told him I now only what two things from him: get a physical; and to go into therapy.

For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. Our marriage has always been about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!"

Today, somehow, I mentioned to him again that I still only want the two things: a physical, and for him to go into individual therapy. Once again his response was "What's in it for him!" I responded it was for his own benefit. Later in the afternoon, he told me "if" he goes he wants me to be nicer to him. I'm not sure how I could be any nicer to him than I already am. My DDH acts like a space cadet. I don't feel very safe with him, since he doesn't concentrate while cooking on the stove, and smokes while laying down in bed.

Then to complicate my situation even further add in a 35 year old son and a 19 year old grandson in our house. My son and I generally get along great. I don't know how I would have survived coming back home but for him. He stepped up and became my caregiver; taking care of all my medicines and taking me to all my doctor's appointments. He helps me around the house. Right now he is laying down a wood floor in my living room, and painting the walls. We have a two story house, with all the bedrooms upstairs. It is a hassle for me to use the stairs. I was hoping to make the house ready to sell, but my DDH is against that. I am now concerned my son might be drinking. He's a gamer at night and stays up very late playing. It's during this time that I have noticed a change in his traits.

My grandson has become a handful. He needs to have anger management therapy. My daughter, his mother, completed suicide May 16, 1995. She suffered from schizophrenia. I'm afraid he might have inherited some of her traits. He receives an annuity of $10,000 every six months because of a wrongful death suit settlement.

My plan is to wait until his next annuity check in JAN. I'm hoping to get my hands on this check so I can hold it over his head and force him into getting help. I'm, also, planning on moving out of my house at this time, if only I can hold on until then.

It's just not easy, and, God knows, since I'm supposed to be recuperating from my stroke, I don't need all this stress!

Any helpful suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Pray for me!
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Old 10-12-2010, 02:51 AM
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Oh Acdirito,

Wow, this is a tough one. I guess at this point in life, I would be looking for peace more than anything. you cant change anyone there at your house but you, and i know you know that.
is there anyway you could get your own little place, so you could focus on your recovery? There is a lot of toxic stuff here, and it seems tangled up, but it is not your job to untangle it- you gotta worry about you.

do you think if you asked your husband to leave that he might wake up? If he is not helping, and endangering your life, not to mention adding depression to it?

I am sorry that you are going thru this-I pray for some clarity for you, and peace today. you gotta take care of you. with your situation, perhaps you qualify for some help from outside?
I just re-read the last part of your post- that ou are plannig to move. if you can hold out. any reason that you have to wait? you have a life that is precious, and if you are planning to go, why not soon? why does your grandson have access to this money as a minor? isnt there someone who must be responsible for his care right now?

you know, you cant force much. why do you need your husband to get a physical? if he does not want to take care of his health, why should you have to worry so much about it? i know you care, but he is not worrying about the fact that he is really worrying and hurting you.

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Old 10-12-2010, 07:04 AM
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I am sorry for your pain. I hope you are able to find resources in your community to assist you in your recovery. Would you be eligible for more services if you were living on your own?

With limited mobility, it will be difficult to attend local Alanon meetings for support. Help may be available if you call and ask about members living in your area.

You home does not sound like a place of peacefulness and healing. I agree with Chicory that your own health may require you moving your plans up if possible.

About the DDH, adult son and adult grandson:

You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this.

They are all of legal age to make decisions (good and bad) concerning their health, finances, and free time. Detaching from their choices may help you find your own serenity.

Alanon and SR have helped me to detach from the other adults in my family, my business relationships and personal relationships. I often repeat the Serenity prayer to myself to remind myself where my responsibilities are:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
The wisdom to know the difference.

Wishing you serenity and healing.
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Old 10-12-2010, 05:51 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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I really do appreciate your responses. I have realized my problems weren't helping me to recuberate. I've had to go into therapy to try to lessen some of my anger. I have so much anger and resentment to work through. I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I want to concretate on myself, at least for the moment. It just wouldn't be a good time right now to begin family therapy. I trust my therapist and have known him off and on for over twenty years. He agrees with me that I need to have this counseling just for myself. I, also, trust him that when and if it's time to include my family in my counseling he will let me know. My therapist has made me aware that I am a codependent and am as addicted to my husband as he is addicted. After 40 years of marriage I know my DDH has a lot of baggage to work through on his own. He is, also, my son's father and my grandson's grandfather. I have taken an inventory of my life and how I managed to get into this situation. I now am able to see where I became my husband's crutch and never really made him to account for his responsibilites and life. He was the only person who could work the 12 steps for himself. I just wish my eyes could have been opened a lot sooner in my life. My life wasn't supposed to end up like this. I had planned on going into my senior years based upon the "Golden Girls".
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Old 10-12-2010, 08:01 PM
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You've had a rough go of it AC and I'm sorry, but I hear a lot of insight in your posts. Turning insight into action is one of my personal challenges. So I ask you what I ask myself sometimes, "what might you be able to do today to move you a step closer to the ("Golden Girls") life you wanted? " Today, despite overwhelming sadness, I resolved to stay NC for another day.
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