i'm tired, so very tired
 

i'm tired of the lies, i'm tired of the frustration.
i'm tired of the guilt, i'm tired of the fight.
i'm tired of the past, i'm tired of the future.
i'm tired of the loneliness, i'm tired of the boredom.
i'm tired of missing what i had, i'm tired of wanting what will never be.
i'm tired of waiting for change. i'm tired of being patient.
most of all, i'm tired of being tired.

twenty years is a long time to watch someone slowly kill themselves. drowning literally one drink at a time. dragging you down, by your heart, by your fears, by your hope, by your past.

love isn't self-centered or devious or vengeful or deceitful or petty.

love isn't enough and time isn't going to fix this.

I hear ya, Thomas. Sorry you are in so much pain.

Can't disagree with one word you posted.

I am sorry that you are having to face this.

Yes, you'd think 20 years would be long enough to kill yourself but some can go much, much longer.

I was always stressed and figured it was from being a teacher. I retired and was still stressed- it was the marriage. When I left I started to be able to laugh and sleep and eat and focused on only me and my recovery. I read all the books. I emersed myself in Alanon and they were so wonderful and gently nudged me to see what I was really facing and putting up with that was not good. I found SR and people here had lived it too and showed me how they were coping with it. I realized I was codependent and that was my addiction. I got back to being me. I shed alot of tears and spent alot of $ on therapy. I let go and let God. I lived the steps. I reached for help and it was there. I took action when I was barely able to focus or get out of bed. I faced the facts. I decided to decide. My sponcer gave me an affirmation that I lived....."I will get through this with grace and ease." I did service. I opened 3 meetings ......different ones. I took a yoga class and learned to meditate there. I went back to church. I walked every day and did walking meditations. I clung to healthy friends. I picked up the phone. I went to daily meetings. I did a fearless moral inventory. I prayed for His will for me and the power to carry it out. I read my daily meditations in the morning to get off on the right foot. I took the sad but necessary legal action. I talked to my minister about breaking the vows. He showed me in the Bible where God doesn't want me "yoked to a drunkard" and God wants us happy. I trusted God. I followed my still quiet voice. It was like surgery with a hacksaw. I let go so I wouldn't be dragged. I'm fine. I couldn't change him....only me. I kept a gratitude list. We are not alone...we are all one. I'm not tired anymore. I am glad you are here.

Sounds like it is You who is "sick and tired of being tired"
We get tired of waiting for someone 2 change.
We get energized when we start making changes ourselves

precisely what I am feeling, well stated..sorry for your pain..hugs to you.

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

love can not fix alcoholism.

the first step for us is to admit we are powerless over alcohol.

it seems that you know this, after 20 years.

nothing changes if nothing changes. we can only change ourself. reach out, make some changes for yourself. it is not selfish to take care of oneself. otherwise, this disease will drag you down too.

the choice is there for you.

are you ready for the journey of recovery?

naive

People can and do recovery all the time, Thomas. Now is your turn to take care of you.

Hugs, HG

i agree with you on this one @Spiritual Seeker, we are sick but we do get better!!