TatliGuzelim

The Highlights of my 8 Year Relationship w/AXBF

Best
His son, companionship, sex and affection, vacations together, practical gifts, the illusion of a family.

Worst
Secrets, an STD, verbal and emotional abuse, dissapearing acts, gaslighting, a woman in my home when I was out of town, his constant gawking at other women in front of me, embarrassment at work related events, lies and denial, his new FB friend who happens to be an escort. (What was he thinking?????? Better yet, what was I thinking?)

Impact on Me
Anger and resentment at him, but more importantly, shock and disappointment in myself for accepting the unacceptable, for not listening to my gut, for seeking validation from people who accept little for themselves, for allowing my fears to paralyze me and for failiing to lead myself to safety.

This is our 4th breakup in 8 years. (It took me about 10 attempts to quit smoking! ) In the last few months we were together, I barely recognized myself. I transformed into an angry and resentful bi***.

We’ve been NC for most of 2010. I pray that he doesn’t come back as he has in the past, but if he does, I pray that I have the strength to remain firm. Sadly, this is the only relationship I know (and I'm a Boomer).

I’ve been lurking for some time and have parked myself here in an attempt to find the strength to help myself. I will be eternally grateful for your ESH. Thank you!

LexieCat

Welcome out of lurkdom!

Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting yet? It might help you build yourself up so you will be in a position to be strong if he attempts a reconciliation.

How old is his son? Do you keep in contact with him?

chicory

(((Tatli)))

Welcome, and thank you for sharing. Looking over the best and worst and comparing the two, I am glad that you are not in that relationship now.


I dont have a lot of experience, not recovery experience, that is, but I know that this site is saving my sanity, until I can do better for myself.
Hang around- there is so much ESH , so many great folks.
hugs,
chicory

TatliGuzelim

Thanks for the welcome. I have been to Al-Anon intermittently. Frankly, I'm ashamed to return because I feel like I've taken up a lot of people's time only to fail at making the break once and for all.

His son is 13 and lives with his mom in another part of the country. I am the apple of his eye. Having no kids of my own, I'm in awe of the love this child shows for me. I don't seek him out, but he reaches out to me. I try to respond when he does. Unfortunately, I haven't been very dependable in the last few months which I'm certain has confused him. Knowing has Dad, he knows nothing about what's happened between us and I don't think it's my role to tell him.

sesh

Hi and wellcome,
glad to see you posting, I've noticed you online before and remembered your nick as it sounds nice and familiar to me.
Since you've been here for awhile I asume you read quite a bit, so maybe now it is time to tell us more about your specific feelings through your recovery. The feelings you've expressed in your post are familiar to most of us, we've all been there. Maybe now it is time for you to start working on forgiving yourself. You've made a bad choice, we all do in all aspects of life some time or the other, you did the best you knew at the time, now you know better.
I believe once we start working on ourselves, forgive ourselves, start learning, open up and remain teachable we find our strength, we learn what we want and what we do not want, everything becomes much clearer. It is a process, it takes time.
Keep posting, we are listening.

Kassie2

Hi Tatli - glad you came out of lurkdome also! You had a lot to share last night and that is very ok here! It is a process if you have gotten nothing else out of reading. We learn, we try, we succeed, we fail and we keep trying to succeed more and fail less. Keep posting and talking things through before taking action it may help with the decision making part that wants to "fix" everything yesterday.

dollydo

Welcome! Lots of nice supportive people here, keep coming back!

acdirito

You stated that you are a boomer than I'm guessing you're somewhere in your 50s. I am a 58 year old codependent, currently in a 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. He had me take and attend with him his first AA meeting. As a result he is now a dry drunk. He still possesses all the traits he had while he was an active alcoholic. Our marriage was always about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!"

I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage inside of me. I was then transferred to a rehab hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. I should have been discharged to a skilled nursing facility. I have suffered immobility problems and can not move around very easy without my power chair. When I came home the only member of my family I could rely upon was my 35 year old son. I received more care and compassion from my three border collies than I did from my DDH. I begged him on several occasions to take time off from work to help arrange my house so I could maneaver around it and the patio in my power chair. He refused! I later found out he had over four weeks of use or lose (excess time) on his timecard. He just refused to be there when I really needed him!

I have taken an inventory of my life and how I managed to get into this situation. I've had to go into therapy to try to lessen some of my anger. I now am able to see where I became my husband's crutch and never really made him to account for his responsibilites and life. He was the only person who could work the 12 steps for himself. I'm supposed to be recuperating and God knows I don't need the stress that just goes living with a dry drunk. I have only requested two things from him now: to get a physical; and to go to therapy. Once again he has refused to listen to me! He doesn't even realize that I consider our marriage as over. I'm only now waiting to arrange a place for me to move to. That is not so easy since my stroke and my doctor states I am to well to go to a skilled nursing facility.

My life wasn't supposed to end up like this. I had planned on going into my senior years just like the "Golden Girls". Betty White is still my role model. You need to ask yourself two questions: "Will your AB be there for you as a caretaker? And would you be able or willing to be his caretaker?" My DDH has never listened to me so I have come to the realization I couldn't be his caretaker. The patient needs to be able to listen and follow the directions of the caretaker.

I hope this gives you some motivation to keep your AB away from you and out of your life! You deserve better for yourself. Start attending alanon meetings. It sounds like your self-esteem has received a battering.

Jadmack25

When my late XAH retired, instead of the retirement dreams we had had for years, finally coming to fruition, I got a promise of him sitting at his bar, with a whisky and a beer in hand at 7am each morning and more alcohol down his throat during the day. No trips around Aussie, no fun and no life.....just continued guzzling for him, and increasing Alcohol Induced Dementia to look forward to.

I walked out. My daughters cared for him, til he ended in a nursing home and it was a hard time for them over the years.
Did I feel guilt for going, for them picking up my slack? Yes I did, for a while, til I realised that it was his problem I walked from, and my daughters chose to be there.

Maybe, had "his adoring girls" not been so quick to "help" each time he was in trouble, he may not have kept drinking, then again maybe he would not have changed anyway.

I left to save my sanity and physical health, which had suffered the last years of our 27 year marriage, and frankly I have regretted it NOT 1 BIT.

He chose his retirement way of life, I thought it sucked and refused to stay in his mess, and that is all it was.....different life choices.

You couldn't say what you have had with your man is really what you want or need, so maybe it is time to decide what YOU really do want, work out what you need to do for it, and go for it.
Leave him to himself, and if he wants to return let him know that street is closed to him, as his best does not cancel out what his worst does to you.

Go for Gold.

TatliGuzelim

I'm on the tail end of the boomers, so am tiptoeing my way to 50.

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune. I know how it feels to lack the support you expressed in your post.

I'm in the process of doing the same. I'm seeing my issues, as opposed to his, more clearly and have realized that at the end of the relationship I became almost as abusive with him as he was with me - reminding him, almost daily, of how he failed to measure up to my expectations.

Neither was mine, but in hindsight I failed to plan and act on my goals.

I admire your courage and wish you well.

Thank you for sharing your story and for your validation. It means a lot.

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We're glad you are here!

TatliGuzelim

You're so right. Thank you very much.

TatliGuzelim

Thanks for the welcome and the encouragement. You remind me that I forgot to mention that I've made this same bad choice twice. The AXBF was my first love, of 10 years, and has been my only love. In total I've invested 19 years in this relationship, with a sabbatical between semesters. While I'm not proud of this fact, I thought I'd share for clarity's sake. "Fool me once......"

sesh

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. We repeat mistakes until we learn from it. You tried twice for something that didn't turn out at the end the way you wanted it. You're only human. We all make mistakes, same ones too, even more than twice, until we learn better. Forgive yourself. Care for yourself the way you'd like someone else to care for you.
Past is there to teach you something, embrace your mistakes and learn from them, and slowly start working on your better future.
You don't have to be perfect, none of us is.
Take care

LexieCat

Agreed--you are not wasting anyone's time, we all understand what it's like to try to give up the hope that things will be different. Nobody will judge you.

Please get yourself to a meeting. You know it will help.

Learn2Live

I agree with Sesh. I have made so many of the same mistakes over and over so many times, to the same effect, I should be walking around with a permanent DUNCE cap on my head.

You get to it when you get to it. Sounds like you are getting to it so don't beat yourself up. Stay in the present moment, what's done is done.

TatliGuzelim

Thanks you all for your warm welcome and your words of encouragement.