pinkflamingo

I got the phone call about 4am. He was arrested for drunk driving. I have no details yet. FIL is going to bail him out. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and helpless.

blackstrat6

I'm sorry Pink, maybe it will slow him down.

Hang in there..

RollTide

I'm sorry to hear it, Pink. I went back and read your previous posts and it sounds like you could see it coming. We have all been exactly where you are. I bailed mine out and arranged for him to go to rehab. He stayed for 30 days and it didn't even slow him down. NOTHING I did ever made one bit of difference. I've learned that all I can do is to take care of myself. This forum saved my life. I found AlAnon later and it has been another tremendous source of support.

Pelican

Can you and the children go somewhere today?

I know what it feels like to sit at home with an alcoholic that just got into trouble with the law. The alcoholic will want someone, especially you, to make them feel like it is all going to be okay.

It is not okay.

His alcoholism = His consequences.

Have you started attending alanon meetings yet? If so, can you call a member from your group? They will be able to help you talk through this crisis.

If not, you can share and vent here as much as needed.

sesh

So sorry for your pain.
I think the most helpful thing you can do for your AH is to not bail him out and let him stay there for awhile. Let him experience the consenquences of his actions. As long as you or his family are there to clean up his mess, he has no reason to do any different from the usual. I'm not saying if you don't "help" him out, he'll get it all of a sudden, but he'll stand the better chance to do so.
I notice this is only your third post here, so wellcome, this is a great place and great source of knowledge and wisdom, it has literaly saved my life. There is a great stickies section at the top of this forum, and I strongly suggest you start reading from there.
Living with an active A is stressful, to say at least, and it doesn't get better until you educate yourself on the disease of alcoholsim and get ready to start making steps to regain your own sanity and wellbeing.
Keep coming here, reading and posting, we're here for you and we understand.
For now just remember to breath.
Take care

Pelican

This is a sticky post that contains steps that some of us have taken when faced with a loved ones alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

hurtandangry

there's nothing you can "do".....

he screwed up all by himself, his father is bailing him out........this time.

what exactly do you believe you should "do"?

wow1323

Hopefully this is his bottom.

pinkflamingo

I also just found out hit fell asleep and side swiped someone. I went to look at the car. It's the mirror. Not shattered, just busted.

Not only is this ruining our relationship but now, everything we have. I'm a SAHM. I don't have a job. We live paycheck to paycheck. I don't know what we are going to do. I'm afraid of losing everything.

OMG. I can not believe this is happening.

pinkflamingo

I'm thinking about packing him a bag. Making him go to his mom's for a while. That would be rougher for him over there. She's been through this before with family. She didn't want to bail him out. if it wasn't for the kids he'd still be in jail.

sesh

I don't mean to be harsh at all, I just want to ask you What exactly are your kids benefiting from him not being in jail?

I'm only asking because I know all too well what does it feel like to make excuses for letting an A get away with the things he did. For years I put up with all kinds of BS saying I'm doing it for the benefit of my kids. The truth of it is none of it was helping them, I was just allowing more madness from active alcoholsim in their lives.
I'm an ACOA too (Adult child of an alcoholic) my mum never let my AF take responisbility for his actions, she always cleaned up his messes, and acted as it wasn't a big of a deal as to protect us kids from it. She didn't protects us, she only confused us and convinced us it really is not big of a deal, it is normal = as something that is happening in your home when you're a child can not be comprehanded any other way but as normal.
As hard as it is you can not protect your kids from reality, but you can teach them by example what is acceptable and what is not. That is the most valuable lesson you can give them.
Again it is not my intention to be harsh, I'm just sharing what I have learned through my own struggles, hoping it might help you at least a little bit.

They talk about 3A in recovery, it means awareness, acceptance and action. I really like that concept, and it has been a great help for me. In order to become aware one must educate onself, only than it can come acceptance and than appropriate action. Our recovery is a slow and painful process but it beats the alternative. Keep reading and posting.
Take care

pinkflamingo

He's home. He's going to a meeting tonight. i guess thats his first step.

naive

and what is YOUR first step?

fourmaggie

^^^^^ Naive is asking the question....^^^^^

Hollyanne

Ha Fourmaggie!
Jeeze, should we warn Pink? Naive is on the case!
She has no idea! She will not escape! She will be helped!
Naive is in the house!
Stick around Pink, you are in a safe and helpful loving place.
And, Naive is in the house!

Pelican

This sounds like a good start!

Let him know you need time to think. I needed time away from my husband to listen to my inner voice. I needed space away from my husband to focus on what I truly wanted and needed for myself and my children.

Being in the same house with another adult that wanted my attention and energy was too confusing and stressful.

It doesn't mean divorce is imminent, it means you are asking for time and space for yourself. period.

pinkflamingo

I don't know what my first step is. I've been looking into Al-Anon meetings. There is one tomorrow night near me.

I told him this was it. I'm done. It does not mean we are going to divorce but we need time apart. His mother agrees with me. She actually has been a huge help for a while.

It seems like I'll be sticking around for a while. So, nice to meet all of you. Thank you so much for being here.

LexieCat

I'd make sure I made that meeting, if I were you. For SOME PEOPLE getting arrested is their bottom. For others, not so.

Either way, going to Al-Anon will help you keep your free-floating worries from overwhelming you. Glad your mother-in-law is being supportive. We need all the allies we can get.

tomdecel

I have memories of having to go downtown to bail my Father out of jail after a DUI. I swore I would never be that way. I think I was 18 then. I am 58 now and have driven home so many times smashed. I am glad I am here now...sober.

I wish I could help you. Good luck.

acdirito

Based on my lifetime experiences trying to deal with an alcholic husband or wife is the same as having to deal with another BIG SPOILED BRAT in the house. There is part of an alcholic that just never grew up. They can make us feel like we need to "walk on egg shells," "damned if we do, damned if we don't";or watch every move or word since we don't want to incite an angry exchange. I have reached my breaking point with my dry drunk husband and all the BS that goes along with him. When I compare my 35 year old son with my DDH my son wins hands down in the maturity department. Remember it is better to build children than repair alcholics, and for every action there is a reaction! My son and I had to take a weekend away from my house so I could get away from all the crazys and get my head cleaned out. Sometimes just living with the crazys makes a codependent's mind become foggy. I, too, used to feel so alone and helpless in my current situation. Before I started suffering from my health conditions I was a very active person. However, now I have had my driving privileges taken away and I have immobility issues. The other day I did an internet search on dry drunk and found this site. It was a Heaven's send!