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need advice on telling son the truth

Old 10-09-2010, 04:11 PM
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need advice on telling son the truth

My AH and I decided to tell our son about our separation, tonight, AH leaves Nov. 1st, however, we just arrived home after a long day of traveling out of town for 2 soccer games and AH has decided to go out to friends to play cards and drink and says the talk can wait, there is no rush. He simply left, I feel he is putting it off, he doesn't like confrontation, and he is trying to control me, so I want to tell my son myself. Should I go ahead? I really feel he needs to be responsible for the discussion also, but once again he chooses drinking over his family. Please help!!!
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:24 PM
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hard question...........
how old is your son and what is his relationship like with each of you?
my initial thought is to have a go at it first thing in the morning.
good luck!
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:39 PM
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He is 13, 8th grade, he has a great relationship with me, good with his dad, husband is playing cards with other fathers of boys in his class, I am afraid he may say something to them, if he hasn't already, and my son will find out from someone at school. My husband is trying to bully me again I fear, he always wants to control things. My AH will be hungover in the morning too. The fact that we agreed and he is not being responsible infuriates me, typical of self centered alcoholic isn't it?
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:46 PM
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I think you would be totally within your rights to talk to your son yourself. You can tell him that the plan was that you and his dad talk to him together, but instead of waiting, you just want to let him know what's going on. In a way, it might be easier since, if you have such a great relationship with your son, he might feel more comfortable talking one-on-one at first. Just a thought.
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:51 PM
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i agree with suki, and i get the feeling that there will be less tension without the A being there.
in other words, it will be easier for him to absorb.
beth
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Old 10-09-2010, 05:07 PM
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AH never told me he might go play cards or anything, the plan was to talk to our son tonight. Could AH make things worse for me if I do this, talk to son without him?
On another note, yesterday he emailed me to tell me he would give me x amount of money each month towards the bills while we separated, a certain amount from two paychecks a month. I agreed, then after thinking about it I emailed him to say I agree to x amount of money from each paycheck, he didn't like that since some months he gets more than one, he gets paid every two weeks. This doesn't happen that often, but I think I need to get a lawyer involved.

Looking back on our interactions, he does try to control every decision and is not nice about it if I don't want to do what he says. He doesn't like me having a backbone....
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Old 10-09-2010, 05:09 PM
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Definitely get an attorney involved. If he is prone to not keeping his word, how do you know he would send you X amount of dollars? What recourse would you have if he didn't?
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Old 10-09-2010, 05:16 PM
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promises fall to the way side when separated way too easily!
Shoot, he couldn't keep his word to have this talk tonight..he will be no more suited to keep his word with the bills.
Talking to your son tonight? You are the very best judge of that.
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Old 10-09-2010, 05:31 PM
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I think I will wait to talk to him with his father because I want AH to take the responsibility. When our son gets angry, I want his father to see it too. I can tell my son later that we had planned to tell him and his father chose to go out, when I discuss with him the behaviors his father has that is part of his disease and help him handle his father.

The other day a parent at school told me after a volleyball game that my son left her and the group of kids she was in charge of on a field trip, when they were at a fast food restaurant to go to another restaurant across the street, even after she told him no when he asked. My son says he has no idea why he did what he did, he got a detention at school for his behavior, all this happened this week while AH was out of town on business. Son text me at 5 pm Thursday when AH was about to return home, asking me to tell AH not to talk to him about it, not to yell at him, we had already dealt with it, but he didn't want to be asked why he did it, and he begged me. I didn't say anything to AH because I was just coming out of my counseling session and driving, then AH was in the driveway when I got home. My counselor saw the text and told me to talk to my son soon about the separation. I am so confused. I need to pray and think and listen.
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Old 10-09-2010, 05:48 PM
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13.......good relationship with both of you....
i agree that waiting would be wise.

your son will have questions and it couldn't be construed as "talking behind the others back" if all of you are in the same room.

i sincerely hope and pray that both your husband and yourself can remain calm during your discussion with your son.
rest assured he will ask each of you for your "side" later on but for now the appearance of unity with the decision seems to be the best route.
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Old 10-09-2010, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
I think I will wait to talk to him with his father because I want AH to take the responsibility.
Wanting an alcoholic to take responsibility is like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh baked bread.

Are you trying to force the alcoholic into this discussion?

Since you are planning to seperate from your AH, you will be doing a lot of single parenting in the near future. Start today. Plan your discussion with your son. Let the other parent plan his discussion with his son when he likes, or doesn't like.

It has been my personal experience, that I can not force the other adult in my relationship to be the type of parent I wish them to be. I have to detach from the other parent's actions as well as inactions.

Have you followed through with your plans to attend Alanon?
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Old 10-09-2010, 07:56 PM
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Is it possible that he might just deny everything you say, call you a liar in front of your son, or somehow try to place all the blame on you during the discussion? It might get really ugly. From the sounds of it, he is trying every way he knows how to not have the discussion. If forced into it, he might try every way he can think of to discredit your decision and feelings in the matter and undermine you in front of your child. Do you think he might do that? Maybe you could get another adult - like a pastor or something like that - to sit in the background to make sure everything stays civil?
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Old 10-09-2010, 10:17 PM
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These situations are so tough. There are three things that put me in the camp of just telling him. 1. Pelican's post. 2. You are worried that your ah might say something to someone else and that your son my hear something at school. That would be so awful for him. 3. The incident at the volleyball game. If he is aware of the undercurrent (and he probably is) telling him the real deal might actually be a relief. Kids awfulize and have big imaginations. If he is acting out in uncharacteristic ways and can't articulate why, he's struggling IMO.
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:26 AM
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Is it possible that he might just deny everything you say, call you a liar in front of your son, or somehow try to place all the blame on you during the discussion? It might get really ugly. ( Not sure if he would call me a liar) From the sounds of it, he is trying every way he knows how to not have the discussion. (He says he wants to wait until next weekend) If forced into it, he might try every way he can think of to discredit your decision and feelings in the matter and undermine you in front of your child. (I would say no, but at this point I don't know how he would react) Do you think he might do that? Maybe you could get another adult - like a pastor or something like that - to sit in the background to make sure everything stays civil? good idea

The incident at the volleyball game. If he is aware of the undercurrent (and he probably is) telling him the real deal might actually be a relief. Kids awfulize and have big imaginations. If he is acting out in uncharacteristic ways and can't articulate why, he's struggling (This is what worries me the most I am going to say to the AH we both tell him today or I am going to and this is the reason why, because it is best for the child, not saying anything is like lying to our son, I cannot go on worrying about if he hears about it from someone else, although AH says he hasn't said anything to anyone, I am going to tell AH two reasons why I am going to tell him today and then say if you want to be a part of the conversation he is welcome. If he bullies me and says anything bad I will stop him and say "I will not allow anyone to talk to me that way". If he continues I will take my son and leave the house. Thanks everyone you have been so helpful!!!! It is a blessing from God that this forum exists

Last edited by jackthedog; 10-10-2010 at 05:27 AM. Reason: The writing in parentheses is my response to your posts, not sure how to make the squares like everyone else yet!
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:32 AM
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It is always very though when it comes to kids. I found out in my own experience that I did the best thing when I acted upon my belief what would be most benefitial for my kids. I'm sure you know it in your gut does your son wants to hear it from you or from both of you together.
Also, since your son is 13, I'm pretty sure he already has a good idea of what is going on. Kids know so much more than we give them credit for. (Aslo don't get alarmed if he gets angry with you, if that happens you remember that is happening for one reason only: you're the one he is counting on, he has expectations from, he trusts).
And in regard to your AH taking the responsibility for this or any other thing, I don't see it likely to happen as long as he is active in his drinking. For my RAH drinking was a great escape from every single thing in life. To be honest I'd be surprised to hear that your AH did stay that night and did as he promised. Certainly mine never did.
It seems to me that maybe you're still counting on your AH to do the right thing, be careful not to hurt your child even more in that process.
So, my suggestion is Do what is best for your son. Does he need to hear it from both you togehter or do you think he'd prefer to hear it from you first?

Also, I found out in my experience the kids really appreciate honesty. It validates thier reality, and as an ACOA I can't even begin to express how important that is.

I have both you and your son in my thoughts
take care
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
(This is what worries me the most I am going to say to the AH we both tell him today or I am going to and this is the reason why, because it is best for the child,
best for the kid.......sound logic!

best to all of you.
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:42 AM
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Reason: The writing in parentheses is my response to your posts, not sure how to make the squares like everyone else yet!


Maybe I can help with that.....

Look at "hurtandangry"'s post above.
Look at the bottom, right corner of her post.
There is a button that says quote, then two buttons that show paper, then the thanks button.

Click onto the quote button and all of "hurtandangry" s post will appear in a reply window. You can now put your cursor on any part of the post you wish to delete by backspacing (just be careful not to delete the {brackets} as they produce the box for your reply).
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Old 10-10-2010, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
To be honest I'd be surprised to hear that your AH did stay that night and did as he promised. Certainly mine never did.
What do you mean by this, do you mean you would be surprised if he stayed at home tonight after we talk to our son?
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:00 AM
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you are a great teacher!!! thanks!
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:01 AM
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also, I am the junior high Science teacher at the school my son attends and he is in my 8th grade Science class with all of his friends that I know so well, makes it even more complicated...
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