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need advice on telling son the truth

Old 10-10-2010, 06:23 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
What do you mean by this, do you mean you would be surprised if he stayed at home tonight after we talk to our son?
We're posting in the same time when you said you're going to have a talk with your child tonight, with or without your AH taking part in the conversation.

I meant I'd be surprised if he did it the other night when you agreed to do it together. As regardless of what your AH says to you, he knows the reason you're separating is his drinking and his inability to be proper father and husband (but he doesn't want to know it). Also, he knows what does it take to change that but he is unable (for one reason or the other) to do that. It is much easier for him to run away and drink some more (escape some more) than to stand up and take responsibility. As if he was a person who could do as he promises and take the responsibility instead of run away from it, then there almost wouldn't be any problems.
You're separating for the good reason, because he is anable to do the right thing. That is not going to change only because you're separating now. That will not change until he himself gets to the point when he is ready to do whatever it takes. Any your AH doens't seem to be there yet IMO.
Take care
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:34 AM
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your words are just what I needed to hear, thank you for that.
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:57 AM
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Good morning! Since it's Sunday morning already and your question concerned last night, you must have already made your decision. Did you wait until this morning to talk with your son? Chances are your 13 year old son has a pretty good idea already of the tension in your household. Children are a lot more perceptive than we, as parents, realize. Sometimes they pick up on things that the other parent overlooks or has ignored. Alcholics are notorious for their lying and their broken promises. Children are especially sensitive to these negative traits. Whether or not you and your husband talk with your son together, the reality of your separation needs to come from you, not by his classmates at school or through the grapevine. Are you involved with Alanon? It would, also, be beneficial to your son if he becomes involved with Alateen.
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Old 10-10-2010, 07:23 AM
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I think I will wait to talk to him with his father because I want AH to take the responsibility. When our son gets angry, I want his father to see it too.
What exactly do you want him to take responsibility for? Talking to his son in a loving, sane, rational manner? Do you honestly think that this man is going to do this? Has he done this in the last year or so? Do you think that him seeing his son's anger is going to do something? Make him change? Make him realize the effects of his alcoholism? Because I am willing to bet your expectations are way high here.

I can tell my son later that we had planned to tell him and his father chose to go out, when I discuss with him the behaviors his father has that is part of his disease and help him handle his father.
Why does your son need to be told this? Please do not drag your 13-year old into the problems of your marriage. Do you think that your son does not already think that his father simply does not care about him and that he is a drunken a$$hole?

Here is what your son needs to know: That HE is not the reason why this is happening and how HE is going to be affected. Period. He does not need to be told whose feelings are hurt, who is drunk and who is not, who is right and who is wrong. Then let HIM ask the questions HE wants to know the answers to. I recommend you suggest AlaTeen.

The other day a parent at school told me after a volleyball game that my son left her and the group of kids she was in charge of on a field trip, when they were at a fast food restaurant to go to another restaurant across the street, even after she told him no when he asked. My son says he has no idea why he did what he did, he got a detention at school for his behavior, all this happened this week while AH was out of town on business. Son text me at 5 pm Thursday when AH was about to return home, asking me to tell AH not to talk to him about it, not to yell at him, we had already dealt with it, but he didn't want to be asked why he did it, and he begged me.
I don't know your husband personally but as a once-13-year old daughter of a drunken father, I would like you to understand that it is hard enough to be 13 with an irrational, uncaring, drunken a$$hole controlling my life, belittling me, and punishing me. What exactly is telling his Dad intended to do anyway?

This is at least the second time you have posted that your son does not want his father involved in his discipline.
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Old 10-10-2010, 07:34 AM
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AH and I just talked and we are telling him together today.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:24 AM
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My counselor said to me that at some point I will need to explain to my son what behaviors his father has that are alcoholic so he understands that it is a disease.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:37 AM
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it has been said

So we sat down and spoke to our son about our separation, we did not speak of any wrong doing either of us have done. We told him or marriage is going through some changes and that his father will not live here anymore and that we will do whatever we need to do to be kind to one another and not fight about it. His father reassured him he will be living close by and will be a phone call away.

My son cried a little, but did not say really anything or ask any questions. I sat next to him, held him and watched cartoons with him for a while, his father left to go help my dad move something, which he had already planned to do. I am not surprised by my son's reaction, it is the way he and his father have always responded to things in the past. I do not react with anger right away, which is part of the problem I have come to realize. I am the kind of person who holds it in, does not want to overreact and has a hard time explaining how I am feeling, although I am getting better at it. I will watch him closely, but give him the space he needs. I did not cry alot, I want my son to know I am strong and can handle this, I told him God is always there for us and I have faith he will get us through this. I tried to reassure him that whatever he is feeling is normal. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders that we have spoken to him. The elephant has left the room....

Thank you everyone for helping me get through this, you are all such wise and loving people! God Bless you. I will let you know how it goes from here, but you already know in a way because you have lived it.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:38 AM
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:26 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
My counselor said to me that at some point I will need to explain to my son what behaviors his father has that are alcoholic so he understands that it is a disease.
Yes.
He also needs to know that some people are pre-disposed to alcoholism by genetics. He may be at risk of becoming an alcoholic if he experiments with alcohol later in life.

I have 3 children. I had to tell them the truth about alcoholism. I want them to know the facts of alcoholism because it has affected their lives. It may affect their futures if they choose to drink. I have one adult daughter that does drink alcohol.

I took my younger two children to an open Alanon meeting. They learned that they are not alone. Our family is not the only one that became unmanageable because of alcoholism. I have given them the information on Alateen, but they choose not to attend. We have open discussions in our home about recovery and the 12 steps.

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Old 10-10-2010, 10:48 AM
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I love that book Hope for the flowers, I read it to my 7th grade students every year!
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Old 10-10-2010, 11:30 AM
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It's going to take your son some time to process all of this. Sounds like the discussion went well. I'm sure he's wondering what's next? Does this mean you will get divorced?

Just keep taking things one step at a time.

My first husband and I separated when the kids were 7 and 9. Their dad was sober before they were born. They are adults now, and they have told me what confused them the most was that they never heard us argue or fight (at least not to any great extent). So they weren't quite sure what the problem was. The "problem" in our case was that I simply didn't want to be married to their dad anymore. I cared very much about him, but not in the way that makes for a good marriage.

I guess my point is that it's tough for kids regardless of the circumstances.
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