quick question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
quick question
wanted to know how many ppl suceed in going no contact first time round and what are the chances of relapse and would this have to be a permanent thing or is there no time limits on this cos i know from my al anon ive learned that all things concerning my life are my decision they just listen and nod if they can idenitify with u but they dont tell u what to do sometimes one will say they dont change though it just gets worse going off to me bed now anyhow any replies and thoughts gratefully recieved nite all xxx
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
no idea on how often people succeed with going no contact right from the first go, or relapse: I'm struck by how like a drug this is, the way you are talking: would this have to be a permanent thing etc.
My understanding of no contact is that it is to give ourselves some peace, some time without the crazyness, to get to know ourselves without the highs and lows that are part of contact with that person, as that space develops I've seen people time and time again express how a "fog" has lifted, and they no longer want to have anything to do with the person they once craved, because they are happier without that in their lives. Do others feel differently? some talk about feeling very sad, do they stay that way? I don't know.
In my current situation, I have contact with ex 2ish times per week, we have young children and that is how contact for them is currently handled, but mentally this contact has very little effect on me either way, it is superficial and as time goes by, it is less and less likely to prompt any highs and lows in me (we've been seperated nearly a year, I've been to counselling and worked on this a lot). With previous ex no contact was a blessing. 10 years down the line, I can have him as a fb friend, I harbour no feelings for him, he has no effect on my feelings or thoughts, and I have no desire to pursue any friendship or contact beyond a fb aquaintance, it's very superficial and is essentially no contact but with shared friends, but that is 10+ years after we split up with years and years and years of no-contact during which time I very firmly asked my self "what WAS I thinking?" because from a distance, I really don't get it LOL!
no-one can tell you what to do kia, it is your life, and only you have to live it.
My understanding of no contact is that it is to give ourselves some peace, some time without the crazyness, to get to know ourselves without the highs and lows that are part of contact with that person, as that space develops I've seen people time and time again express how a "fog" has lifted, and they no longer want to have anything to do with the person they once craved, because they are happier without that in their lives. Do others feel differently? some talk about feeling very sad, do they stay that way? I don't know.
In my current situation, I have contact with ex 2ish times per week, we have young children and that is how contact for them is currently handled, but mentally this contact has very little effect on me either way, it is superficial and as time goes by, it is less and less likely to prompt any highs and lows in me (we've been seperated nearly a year, I've been to counselling and worked on this a lot). With previous ex no contact was a blessing. 10 years down the line, I can have him as a fb friend, I harbour no feelings for him, he has no effect on my feelings or thoughts, and I have no desire to pursue any friendship or contact beyond a fb aquaintance, it's very superficial and is essentially no contact but with shared friends, but that is 10+ years after we split up with years and years and years of no-contact during which time I very firmly asked my self "what WAS I thinking?" because from a distance, I really don't get it LOL!
no-one can tell you what to do kia, it is your life, and only you have to live it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I cut off contact with my XABF over a year ago.
I've received no mail, though I did not give him my new addresses.
I've received no email, though I suspected he didn't get his own computer.
I haven't spoken to him or to any of his family since.
I received calls from random numbers I suspected were actually him around the holidays last year but refused to answer and deleted the numbers.
I realized only just recently that the block I set up to keep him from calling my phone from his number expired months ago.
It would seem he has honored my request for silence. The best gift he could have given me.
Would I consider my last year a success in my recovery, absolutely, and I believe going no contact made a huge difference.
The last I had spoken to him, he had fallen back into the enabling of his mother so I have wondered if that saved me from the potential contact from him. I admit I would have had a difficult time as others have had if he had persisted in trying to reach out to me.
Keep telling yourself: It can be done. It can be done. It can be done.
You can do it!!
Alice
I've received no mail, though I did not give him my new addresses.
I've received no email, though I suspected he didn't get his own computer.
I haven't spoken to him or to any of his family since.
I received calls from random numbers I suspected were actually him around the holidays last year but refused to answer and deleted the numbers.
I realized only just recently that the block I set up to keep him from calling my phone from his number expired months ago.
It would seem he has honored my request for silence. The best gift he could have given me.
Would I consider my last year a success in my recovery, absolutely, and I believe going no contact made a huge difference.
The last I had spoken to him, he had fallen back into the enabling of his mother so I have wondered if that saved me from the potential contact from him. I admit I would have had a difficult time as others have had if he had persisted in trying to reach out to me.
Keep telling yourself: It can be done. It can be done. It can be done.
You can do it!!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I think it stems down to how much you WANT peace and serenity in your life. Of course it's hard to break patterns of behaviour and so if you "relapse" and do have contact then you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Jen is very correct, it's about giving us space to breathe and get away from the crazy of being involved with an A.
Most will understand when I say that the A is alllll about them and what they want. Everything is twisted, everything said is warped into their way of thinking. Suddenly you're saying and doing things you wouldn't normally say or do. Things you do say are twisted to mean something else, something that wasn't anything to do with you becomes your fault, you are the get out clause for them, it's your fault, you said it, you did it and they are perfect.
Did that confuse you...confuses me just thinking about it. No contact gets US away from all that bull sh*t and gives us time to relax, reflect and process our feelings normally without being told what we're thinking and saying and doing. We can just be ourselves.
Every time we invite their chaos into our lives then we're ending that peace and sense of calm.
Sometimes relapse can be good because it reminds us when we're thinking "it wasn't that bad" that it actually was. Once you're away from the madness it's easy to minimise how bad it was.
I wouldn't stress out if I were you Kia, just take it one day at a time and do what you think is best for you. If you break no contact, that's ok...just start again.
Most will understand when I say that the A is alllll about them and what they want. Everything is twisted, everything said is warped into their way of thinking. Suddenly you're saying and doing things you wouldn't normally say or do. Things you do say are twisted to mean something else, something that wasn't anything to do with you becomes your fault, you are the get out clause for them, it's your fault, you said it, you did it and they are perfect.
Did that confuse you...confuses me just thinking about it. No contact gets US away from all that bull sh*t and gives us time to relax, reflect and process our feelings normally without being told what we're thinking and saying and doing. We can just be ourselves.
Every time we invite their chaos into our lives then we're ending that peace and sense of calm.
Sometimes relapse can be good because it reminds us when we're thinking "it wasn't that bad" that it actually was. Once you're away from the madness it's easy to minimise how bad it was.
I wouldn't stress out if I were you Kia, just take it one day at a time and do what you think is best for you. If you break no contact, that's ok...just start again.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I believe that if you don't go no contact for a time, then the wood cannot be seen for the trees. Who knows for how long it might be? As Jen said, it is often the case that perspective changes and you wonder why on earth you would want to be in contact.
When I went NC, I got a new cell phone (and didn't put his number in) and new email address. I stopped using the IM program I was on before and started using another with a new name. I had to eliminate triggers. Funnily enough, he just got back in touch via an email address that I'd forgotten I had and checked to see if there was anything important on there. I had not checked it in months, or maybe even a couple of years, and he emailed me THAT DAY. Bear in mind that we have been apart for 6 years and only been in contact via lawyers since then, but not for a couple of years. It freaked me out big time and I was a nervous wreck for days. And served to remind me that, not only was no contact a great thing for me, but I am still majorly triggered by him and I need to prevent that from happening (as well as doing a leetle bit more work on why that might be.)
What I did do for while in the early days was keep a notebook so that I could write down the things that I would have said if we'd had contact. It's quite funny loking back at how banal and petty much of it was. I was really wanting to say the right thing to him so that he wouldget it and then tell me what I wanted to hear. Pure fantasy.
When I went NC, I got a new cell phone (and didn't put his number in) and new email address. I stopped using the IM program I was on before and started using another with a new name. I had to eliminate triggers. Funnily enough, he just got back in touch via an email address that I'd forgotten I had and checked to see if there was anything important on there. I had not checked it in months, or maybe even a couple of years, and he emailed me THAT DAY. Bear in mind that we have been apart for 6 years and only been in contact via lawyers since then, but not for a couple of years. It freaked me out big time and I was a nervous wreck for days. And served to remind me that, not only was no contact a great thing for me, but I am still majorly triggered by him and I need to prevent that from happening (as well as doing a leetle bit more work on why that might be.)
What I did do for while in the early days was keep a notebook so that I could write down the things that I would have said if we'd had contact. It's quite funny loking back at how banal and petty much of it was. I was really wanting to say the right thing to him so that he wouldget it and then tell me what I wanted to hear. Pure fantasy.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I had a few setbacks, very short term, like a day...I then realized what a self centered, no good piece of dog duty he was...and that, as they say, was history! No contact for 3 years, and there will be none. I am over it. I hope that you reach that point someday, as he is not worth your time, he will never be the man you fantasize him to be.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi kia,
When I first went no contact, AH called and emailed etc. I talked to people here at SR and did not respond initially. Everyone's situation is different like some have kids, and my AH and I work at the same place, etc. So no contact only goes so far. I would suggest that you do what you need to do for you and your kids. The point like others have stated is to give yourself time to regroup and get to a place where you are ok. There is no time limit. It is a boundary issue that you establish to feel safe. If you have kids, there is going to be contact around those issues. If you Divorce, there is limited contact. If you are waiting for their recovery who knows if or when that will occur.
Bottom line is that is become something you can control from your side. What is it that you are really asking yourself and us? No one knows the future -
I am in an unusual situation and some think I am in limbo - but the fact is that our therapist suggested a "real" break and I decided to do that. My AH response has been to conterreact by saying he wants a D yet does nothing about it and continues to pay for bills that we have in common. Says he wants to move forward without me but hasn't completed separated from me yet. We do not talk when we see each other which I recently decided was not normal and did not give me any peace. I am working towards a future in my own time and working through my emotions. So I am trying to reestablish common decency with him. Whether or not he goes with the program is not under my control and I dont' let it be my concern.
It is helping me to let go of a bad situation and relationship dynamic and changing the rules. He can change or remain the same but I will move forward with or without him at this point. It has take a long time to get to this point. Hope this helps. May be more than you wanted.
When I first went no contact, AH called and emailed etc. I talked to people here at SR and did not respond initially. Everyone's situation is different like some have kids, and my AH and I work at the same place, etc. So no contact only goes so far. I would suggest that you do what you need to do for you and your kids. The point like others have stated is to give yourself time to regroup and get to a place where you are ok. There is no time limit. It is a boundary issue that you establish to feel safe. If you have kids, there is going to be contact around those issues. If you Divorce, there is limited contact. If you are waiting for their recovery who knows if or when that will occur.
Bottom line is that is become something you can control from your side. What is it that you are really asking yourself and us? No one knows the future -
I am in an unusual situation and some think I am in limbo - but the fact is that our therapist suggested a "real" break and I decided to do that. My AH response has been to conterreact by saying he wants a D yet does nothing about it and continues to pay for bills that we have in common. Says he wants to move forward without me but hasn't completed separated from me yet. We do not talk when we see each other which I recently decided was not normal and did not give me any peace. I am working towards a future in my own time and working through my emotions. So I am trying to reestablish common decency with him. Whether or not he goes with the program is not under my control and I dont' let it be my concern.
It is helping me to let go of a bad situation and relationship dynamic and changing the rules. He can change or remain the same but I will move forward with or without him at this point. It has take a long time to get to this point. Hope this helps. May be more than you wanted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
no we have no children together and arent married and yes i did add him back on and now i feel worse than i did when i didnt have him on there, cos talking to him is like grrrrr feel so angry now and wound up wouldnt answer any question of why he did what he did just said he didnt want to be triggered by me so he wouldnt answer anything and actually thought i had taken him off in a fit of pique when i hadnt done that. Asked him how he envisaged been friends would work out and how selfish on his part the friendship would be seen as how earlier he had said the last time we broke up and he went back to ex how it just made him miss me more by taking me off and he wont do it again.
w
Well i told him i will have to delete him again and block him this time as 4 days was all it took for him to contact me again, despite me saying do not contact me he really thought 4 days was enough for me to heal i told him it would be up to a year before i healed maybe longer not 4 days totally deluded isnt he.
Well im out tonite for a meal with a mate and will ponder on all this and well it prob be me taking him back off cos i cant feel myself all tense again sorry had to vent all that im mad now
w
Well i told him i will have to delete him again and block him this time as 4 days was all it took for him to contact me again, despite me saying do not contact me he really thought 4 days was enough for me to heal i told him it would be up to a year before i healed maybe longer not 4 days totally deluded isnt he.
Well im out tonite for a meal with a mate and will ponder on all this and well it prob be me taking him back off cos i cant feel myself all tense again sorry had to vent all that im mad now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
i really couldnt tell u self destruct who knows dont worry this is just temporary ive been like this before but i get there by going one step forward then two back but i still get to where im going though cos i do think deep down that this is all for his benefit and isnt benefiting me one bit another meeting on tuesday and after every one i feel so much stronger
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I remember it took me a while and to delete his pictures, stuff, it took over a year. Still working on the emotional side.... so I get it.
I guess once you are starting to feel better, feel kia again, feel loved by the ones who truly care about you, it will be easier to compare what life with love is like and what he brought to the table.
You are doing well, keep moving forward.
I guess once you are starting to feel better, feel kia again, feel loved by the ones who truly care about you, it will be easier to compare what life with love is like and what he brought to the table.
You are doing well, keep moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
thank u taking charge cos am finding this so hard atm cos i feel like im been sucked back into his dramas again but i kinda come to the conclusion right i took him off for 4 days last week then put him back on next week im gonna aim for 5 days maybe thats the way cos when hes not on my msn i worry about him yes but i dont feel myself getting dragged into his stuff but as soon as i put him back on straight away again i feel im been sucked in again and feel im suffocating again i think for me this is the way to do rather than cold turkey is this the wrong thing to do cos i do dread replies on here cos feel im judged by what i do :-(
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
When I stopped smoking I couldn't go cold turkey, just the thought of it had me in a panic. So I started wearing patches and weaning myself off the ciggies. Allowed myself 5 a day for the first couple of weeks, then 3, then 1 and on my quit day it wasn't so hard anymore. So if that works for you...weaning, then do it. Don't be scared what us lot say or do...remember, take what you like and leave the rest. When people "tell" you what to do (I'm sure I have in the past) it's because we've been there, we can see what a jerk he is and we want you to be free of him and the pain that comes along with him. You don't HAVE to do what anyone says, that doesn't mean we'll stop offering advice and listening though.
When you feel yourself getting sucked back into his drama...maybe take a step back, detach and look at what he is saying or listen to what he is saying KNOWING that it's all manipulation and lies. Remember, watch the actions, don't listen to the words!
When I started doing this...well I felt like laughing my head off every time he opened his gob. My A was extremely manipulative, EXTREMELY! He would have me walking in the rain with my 6 yr old to go and buy his white cider because he felt to ill (hungover). We would go without milk and bread so he could drink. I would borrow money from my family and lie about it so I could pay for his alcohol. I would panic on his behalf if he ran out of alcohol "oh noez wat is he gonna do?!".
I put him up on a pedestal when he should have been in the gutter. I put him before my daughter and I put him before myself and my family and he did not a damn thing to deserve it.
I believed he was sick, I believed I had to help him, cook for him, pay for his things...why? Because he told me I should...he made me feel like I was wonderful for taking care of him...until he didn't. I felt wonderful whilst he was suckering me in and then I just felt awful...and worse and worse and worse and I didn't know why. I NEEDED to fix him, I NEEDED to worry about him because it stopped me looking at my own problems and made me feel superior in a way, I was better than him because he needed me.
I know that it is so sick now but because he wanted to be the centre of attention, he wanted everything to be about him, he wanted to be put first...well he's not gonna be complaining is he? He didn't care that I got sick too. Even after two years dry, he still didn't care that I was sick, he just wanted me to stop moaning to make it easier for HIM.
So when he says things to you to be cruel, he's saying them to make himself feel better. When he says things to you that are nice, he's saying them to pull you back in so he will feel better. Don't ever believe that anything he says is about YOU Kia, it's all about him.
When you stand back and you can actually realise that, you will laugh. Why? Because you will recognise the manipulation for what it is and that will set you on your way to freedom, you will take some of your power back from him and that feels good and you will laugh because he's still trying those same manipulative tactics, only they don't work now, you know better.
You should copy some of his IM's/emails so Naive can translate them for you, lol
When you feel yourself getting sucked back into his drama...maybe take a step back, detach and look at what he is saying or listen to what he is saying KNOWING that it's all manipulation and lies. Remember, watch the actions, don't listen to the words!
When I started doing this...well I felt like laughing my head off every time he opened his gob. My A was extremely manipulative, EXTREMELY! He would have me walking in the rain with my 6 yr old to go and buy his white cider because he felt to ill (hungover). We would go without milk and bread so he could drink. I would borrow money from my family and lie about it so I could pay for his alcohol. I would panic on his behalf if he ran out of alcohol "oh noez wat is he gonna do?!".
I put him up on a pedestal when he should have been in the gutter. I put him before my daughter and I put him before myself and my family and he did not a damn thing to deserve it.
I believed he was sick, I believed I had to help him, cook for him, pay for his things...why? Because he told me I should...he made me feel like I was wonderful for taking care of him...until he didn't. I felt wonderful whilst he was suckering me in and then I just felt awful...and worse and worse and worse and I didn't know why. I NEEDED to fix him, I NEEDED to worry about him because it stopped me looking at my own problems and made me feel superior in a way, I was better than him because he needed me.
I know that it is so sick now but because he wanted to be the centre of attention, he wanted everything to be about him, he wanted to be put first...well he's not gonna be complaining is he? He didn't care that I got sick too. Even after two years dry, he still didn't care that I was sick, he just wanted me to stop moaning to make it easier for HIM.
So when he says things to you to be cruel, he's saying them to make himself feel better. When he says things to you that are nice, he's saying them to pull you back in so he will feel better. Don't ever believe that anything he says is about YOU Kia, it's all about him.
When you stand back and you can actually realise that, you will laugh. Why? Because you will recognise the manipulation for what it is and that will set you on your way to freedom, you will take some of your power back from him and that feels good and you will laugh because he's still trying those same manipulative tactics, only they don't work now, you know better.
You should copy some of his IM's/emails so Naive can translate them for you, lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Tally 
When I stopped smoking I couldn't go cold turkey, just the thought of it had me in a panic. So I started wearing patches and weaning myself off the ciggies. Allowed myself 5 a day for the first couple of weeks, then 3, then 1 and on my quit day it wasn't so hard anymore. So if that works for you...weaning, then do it. Don't be scared what us lot say or do...remember, take what you like and leave the rest. When people "tell" you what to do (I'm sure I have in the past) it's because we've been there, we can see what a jerk he is and we want you to be free of him and the pain that comes along with him. You don't HAVE to do what anyone says, that doesn't mean we'll stop offering advice and listening though.
When you feel yourself getting sucked back into his drama...maybe take a step back, detach and look at what he is saying or listen to what he is saying KNOWING that it's all manipulation and lies. Remember, watch the actions, don't listen to the words!
When I started doing this...well I felt like laughing my head off every time he opened his gob. My A was extremely manipulative, EXTREMELY! He would have me walking in the rain with my 6 yr old to go and buy his white cider because he felt to ill (hungover). We would go without milk and bread so he could drink. I would borrow money from my family and lie about it so I could pay for his alcohol. I would panic on his behalf if he ran out of alcohol "oh noez wat is he gonna do?!".
I put him up on a pedestal when he should have been in the gutter. I put him before my daughter and I put him before myself and my family and he did not a damn thing to deserve it.
I believed he was sick, I believed I had to help him, cook for him, pay for his things...why? Because he told me I should...he made me feel like I was wonderful for taking care of him...until he didn't. I felt wonderful whilst he was suckering me in and then I just felt awful...and worse and worse and worse and I didn't know why. I NEEDED to fix him, I NEEDED to worry about him because it stopped me looking at my own problems and made me feel superior in a way, I was better than him because he needed me.
I know that it is so sick now but because he wanted to be the centre of attention, he wanted everything to be about him, he wanted to be put first...well he's not gonna be complaining is he? He didn't care that I got sick too. Even after two years dry, he still didn't care that I was sick, he just wanted me to stop moaning to make it easier for HIM.
So when he says things to you to be cruel, he's saying them to make himself feel better. When he says things to you that are nice, he's saying them to pull you back in so he will feel better. Don't ever believe that anything he says is about YOU Kia, it's all about him.
When you stand back and you can actually realise that, you will laugh. Why? Because you will recognise the manipulation for what it is and that will set you on your way to freedom, you will take some of your power back from him and that feels good and you will laugh because he's still trying those same manipulative tactics, only they don't work now, you know better.
You should copy some of his IM's/emails so Naive can translate them for you, lol
When you feel yourself getting sucked back into his drama...maybe take a step back, detach and look at what he is saying or listen to what he is saying KNOWING that it's all manipulation and lies. Remember, watch the actions, don't listen to the words!
When I started doing this...well I felt like laughing my head off every time he opened his gob. My A was extremely manipulative, EXTREMELY! He would have me walking in the rain with my 6 yr old to go and buy his white cider because he felt to ill (hungover). We would go without milk and bread so he could drink. I would borrow money from my family and lie about it so I could pay for his alcohol. I would panic on his behalf if he ran out of alcohol "oh noez wat is he gonna do?!".
I put him up on a pedestal when he should have been in the gutter. I put him before my daughter and I put him before myself and my family and he did not a damn thing to deserve it.
I believed he was sick, I believed I had to help him, cook for him, pay for his things...why? Because he told me I should...he made me feel like I was wonderful for taking care of him...until he didn't. I felt wonderful whilst he was suckering me in and then I just felt awful...and worse and worse and worse and I didn't know why. I NEEDED to fix him, I NEEDED to worry about him because it stopped me looking at my own problems and made me feel superior in a way, I was better than him because he needed me.
I know that it is so sick now but because he wanted to be the centre of attention, he wanted everything to be about him, he wanted to be put first...well he's not gonna be complaining is he? He didn't care that I got sick too. Even after two years dry, he still didn't care that I was sick, he just wanted me to stop moaning to make it easier for HIM.
So when he says things to you to be cruel, he's saying them to make himself feel better. When he says things to you that are nice, he's saying them to pull you back in so he will feel better. Don't ever believe that anything he says is about YOU Kia, it's all about him.
When you stand back and you can actually realise that, you will laugh. Why? Because you will recognise the manipulation for what it is and that will set you on your way to freedom, you will take some of your power back from him and that feels good and you will laugh because he's still trying those same manipulative tactics, only they don't work now, you know better.
You should copy some of his IM's/emails so Naive can translate them for you, lol
says:
whatever
ty says:
thats a very immature response u know
kids say things like that u aint a kid
says:
well you are the height of maturity
thats him saying im immature hmm will post anymore he puts up thats suitable xx
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My thinking is when a person is ready to go NC then they will. Otherwise the NC struggle becomes just as controlling as talking to the alcoholic. If you are adding and deleting then adding numbers it tells me that you still do want contact on a certain level. Just my take on it based on my own attempts at NC. It wasn't until I realized the problem of maintaining boundaries was MY issue that playing the contact/no contact revolving door game wasn't necessarily going to give me that inner peace I was searching for. Meaning, even if you are no contact. Unless you do the INTERNAL work and are ready to let go, then no contact won't bring you that much relief.
From what you've written Kia, the NC struggle is the symptom. Not the core issue you are not ready to face which is, do I or do I not want this person in your life as he is NOW. Unless you make that decision, you'll be adding and deleting and struggling with this issue for a very long time. Again, I'm speaking from my own experience. As is everyone else here.
From what you've written Kia, the NC struggle is the symptom. Not the core issue you are not ready to face which is, do I or do I not want this person in your life as he is NOW. Unless you make that decision, you'll be adding and deleting and struggling with this issue for a very long time. Again, I'm speaking from my own experience. As is everyone else here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Babyblue
My thinking is when a person is ready to go NC then they will. Otherwise the NC struggle becomes just as controlling as talking to the alcoholic. If you are adding and deleting then adding numbers it tells me that you still do want contact on a certain level. Just my take on it based on my own attempts at NC. It wasn't until I realized the problem of maintaining boundaries was MY issue that playing the contact/no contact revolving door game wasn't necessarily going to give me that inner peace I was searching for. Meaning, even if you are no contact. Unless you do the INTERNAL work and are ready to let go, then no contact won't bring you that much relief.
Again, that is my take on it, if my ABF were an angry manipulative person then I'd probably be less ambiguous with the topic in my own life.
Again, that is my take on it, if my ABF were an angry manipulative person then I'd probably be less ambiguous with the topic in my own life.
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
I feel for you kia, I managed no contact with A (9 days)but was sucked back in for one night
now am back to day 4..that time was not wasted as it gave me some distance to see who he REALLY was.. a mean person despite the alcohol..everyone is different but now working on having a relationship with MYSELF.
now am back to day 4..that time was not wasted as it gave me some distance to see who he REALLY was.. a mean person despite the alcohol..everyone is different but now working on having a relationship with MYSELF.
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