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How long does the hurt last?

Old 10-07-2010, 09:57 AM
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How long does the hurt last?

I left town for a part-time job for 6 weeks and told my ABF that I wanted space from him because I couldn't handle his drinking and the way he treated me while he drank. He has his ups/downs about me being gone and last night was a down. He told me if I'm not home by midnight Friday we are over. I tell him I love him but can't be with him if he continues to drink.

I do smoke pot and have told him I'm willing to quit smoking if he will quit drinking. He makes accusations that it is my pot smoking that ruined our relationship and not his drinking. I've kept a diary on the times he got out of control and have emails from him I've saved to remind me of what he does that got me to this point of leaving.

I have read that alcoholics place blame on others. I know I'm not perfect in this relationship and have accepted my faults in the relationship and offered to fix myself in order to make us work. I just wish he would do the same.

I am very much a co-dependent. Haven't been alone since I was 16 yrs old for more than 2 weeks. I jumped from relationship to relationship till I met my current. I did take 4 months break before meeting him because I was cheated on and it devastaed me. When I met my current guy he seemed perfect for me in every way. Then the drinking got heavier and heavier and he started saying mean things to me. I know the anger isn't really directed or about me. I know he is bitter about his ex-wife and how she took him for everything. I know his work stresses him out too much. It all gets bottled up and when he drinks it all comes out and I'm his punching bag.

I am scared about being alone. I'm very alone where I'm at now. Went to a town with a population of just over 600. Smallest town I've ever been to. I'm hoping that this will give me the strength to allow myself time to heal and not rush into another relationship. My main hope is that ABF will quit because he wants to be with me instead of the alcohol. Has this ever worked for anyone??? The stories I've been reading don't sound as successful about getting someone to actually quit.

My ABF moved to another part of town and I know it will be a financial struggle for him but I've also begged him several times to quit treating me the way he was before finally asking him to leave. My guess is that his anger towards me will fester and grow since he will probably think that I was the one who put him in even more of a financial burden.

Would like to hear if anyone was successful in getting their significant other to quit. I'm hopeful it will happen but it seems more and more that I'm just dreaming.
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:02 AM
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I don't have the power to get any alcoholic to quit, period. I haven't met anyone yet that does have that kind of power.
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:16 AM
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Good for you for isolating yourself from the source of your addiction. Perhaps it's time to do some reflection, and start rediscovering what YOU like to do, and do it. You may be in a small community at the moment, but there are no doubt community activities to participate in. Or, perhaps you want to spend some time rediscovering what it's like to be with yourself.

I'm an only child and I looooove spending time by myself, whether it be reading, watching a movie, knitting, sewing, writing, listening to music while dancing around in my underwear (oops!).

Turn off the cell, don't check email and have a "You Vacation".

As for doing x,y,z to manipulate the alcoholic into quitting...it never works. Remember:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it.

What's left after that?

You
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:17 AM
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Welcome!!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

The answer to the title of your post.

I tried every codie trick in the book, nothing worked. Have yet to meet anyone that can make that claim.

We speak of being 'powerless' over alcohol in AA, that also extends to being powerless over alcohol in another. He isn't choosing alcohol over you, as a practicing alcoholic, the alcoholism is making the choices for him. He has lost the power of choice.
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:19 AM
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I was always told they have to hit rock bottom before they relize they need help. and it must be that they truely want to be sober in order for them to stay sober. I know how it all feels, I've only been to 2 al-lon meetings, they do help.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:34 PM
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Quote: ((When I met my current guy he seemed perfect for me in every way. Then the drinking got heavier and heavier and he started saying mean things to me. I know the anger isn't really directed or about me. I know he is bitter about his ex-wife and how she took him for everything. I know his work stresses him out too much. It all gets bottled up and when he drinks it all comes out and I'm his punching bag.))

Yes dear, I also heard a few A's go on about how their xwives "took them for all they had", etc.....what they didn't add was that the A had virtually crippled their family in every way, and the X salvaged what she could before he bankrupted them.

In one instance The A was bitter that "he got left with nothing", then found out he had nothing to start with.....it had all belonged to his ex, and he hadn't even had a job.

If your ABF did this same behavior in his marriage, maybe she got out for her safety's sake. If this is how he handles stress while he is with you, it is certainly how he handled it with his XW, and will remain so until HE does something about it.

If you don't want to continue as his "punching bag", then you will keep out of his way as it could be a long time, if ever before he hits his bottom......

You are not the powerful cause of his drinking, or his bashing and you are not powerful enough to stop either of these by staying with him.

Maybe you should just stop the pot smoking yourself, for your good, (which is what you want him to do with his drinking), and realise that that trading with an A means you lose on the deal.

Beiing Codie doesn't mean you are fated to stay and take his abuse, unless you really want to. There is no law that says you wait for you to hit YOUR bottom.

OK you know you have this problem with neediness, so get busy finding how to control and heal it, how to not get involved with toxic people, how to live your life happily.

Read all you can, including the stickies on SR, other's stories here on F & F, Alanon is good, and if you need counseling, go for it. Get into your recovery program, and leave ABF to himself, because you CANNOT help him at all.

Love is not bashing or being bashed.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:58 PM
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Another only child here! And it is a blessing to enjoy your own company.

I have learned that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. The futile attempt almost killed me.

I left my ex abf when he was active, but I did not go no contact until he had 6 months sober. You never know how things will work out. The end of the actual drinking is just the very beginning of a very long hard road to recovery.

Leaving was so painful. You have already put that distance between you and your A. Good for you. Use this time alone well. Get to know yourself; it's fun. Learn to enjoy your own company. If he is the one, it will keep. Hang on to your peace; make it count. Take care of you.
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:17 AM
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It will get better.
That deadline "be here by Friday or its over" is all about control and not at all about love.
The alcoholic I met is drinking as usual 2 years later.
You just can't know what's in store for them, you just need to make choices given how he treated you. That is the best indicator of the future (Dr Phil)
And even when they get sober and then tackle their real issues, there is also relapse.
It is just not worth it.
No one else is worth so much energy, only you... starting to learn that, too.
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:18 PM
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It's been a week now and I'm not crying all day like I was in the beginning anymore. I still have a hard time with bedtime -he would hold me tight all night. I can't believe some of the mean emails I have received from him since being here. Some have been extremely cold and not the person I wanted to believe he was. Have done allot of reflecting and remembering the excuses I constantly gave to my friends on why he treated me the way he did when he drank. Working on convincing myself that I can be alone and be happy. I guess if I tell myself this over and over I'll start to believe it "fake it till I make it". Thanks for this site and being there for me when you don't even know me.
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:31 PM
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My experience ...

Well, I smoked pot too and my AH made sure it was always around for me - because then I was mellow and relaxed - then the light went on - as long as I was toking up he could point at me and call me a pothead, thereby justifying his own drinking and addiction. So I stopped.

Something to consider .... I've known a couple of people who were addicted to pot and I have seen it become just as destructive as other drugs. It can be a depressant for some.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:06 PM
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One sure way of not being alone is by getting yourself a puppy. Training your puppy would help pass the time, and would make a nice cuddable bedmate. Find some activites in the town that you can get involved with, even volunteer your time for something you are interested in. I was raised in a small farming town of a population of 900 people. There is no magical potion or spell we can use to make an alcholic stop drinking. Recovery is a lifestyle alteration, and we need change people. places, and things.

Remember:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:15 PM
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Thumbs up How long does the hurt last?

Hi Everyone, for being here for all of us!

Some of the hurts never go away but they are filed away in a place in my memory where they do come up now & then. I have finally learned how to deal with my emotions surrounding issues that cannot be changed and how to handle myself with the things I can change from a negative to a positive.

It is hard sometimes & I will find myself in a very sad mood...not really in a depressed mood. I have gone through some very traumatic times sober & did not pick up a drink so have made great progress that way.

All of our children are adults & have their own careers & life to live. We found out we couldn't save them from their own issues but could be there for them if they wanted to talk & they did. We have six grandchildren & have been a part of their lives as they have grown into teens & adults except for our youngest one who just turned 9.

The most important thing that I learned is that I had to take care of myself & get sober for just myself or it didn't work. I still get help for my depression from my doctor & if needed I see my counselor or the psychiatrist that handles my medications if needed.

I am in a sad place now realizing how old I am getting & that I can't do it all anymore. My husband is doing so much better so we just take it a day at a time.

kelsh
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