postponing the wedding due to relapse

Old 10-08-2010, 06:14 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Dear Dm, I just wrote a long reply but it got "lost" but Naive sums it up beautifully and the following posts from Mutuelle and Lexie.
Please walk away now. He has painted the answer in tenfoot high red letters on the wall for you! Go on a holiday with some girlfriends instead of WASTING money on a wedding that at this point in time, and for a very long time would be the biggest mistake of your life!

Last edited by Hollyanne; 10-08-2010 at 06:15 AM. Reason: spelling error
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Old 10-08-2010, 06:24 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Naive,Absolutely stellar! Thank you for putting the time and effort into that fantastic reply!
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Old 10-08-2010, 07:33 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Dear DM,

I sincerely hope you can see through his verbal B.S.

This is the ULTIMATE ploy to manipulate the hell out of you, play on your emotions, quietly threaten you, challenge you, demand silence of you, all in the name of Loooooooove. It's despicable.

Really, ask yourself if THIS is how you want to begin your married life.

I ask you this as a person who knowingly married an alcoholic because he pulled this exact same bullsh*t on me:
"Wah wah, you knew I had a problem before, you can't complain about it now."
"You don't trust in my POTENTIAL to get better"
"You don't have what it takes to be with me"
"You're not allowed to tell anybody about our *private* business"

I married him in city hall, with 2 strippers and a neighbour as witnesses, paid for the rings, paid for the wedding, and paid for the crummy lunch at a restaurant in a shopping mall afterwards. 2 years later, I got pregnant after giving into the same sort of manipulation.

Don't be me.

Don't spend months and years crying your eyes out before you are legally tied to someone who loves the bottle more than anything else.
Don't spead thousands of dollars on legal fees to separate and finally divorce him.
Don't spend nights and day worrying about the next stunt your STBX will pull
Don't spend years repairing your credit after your AH ruining it with his addiction
Don't spend a lifetime worrying what negative influence this person will have on the child(ren) you'll have together

The short and sweet answer to his verbal diarrhea is this:
No, sorry. I need more time.
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Old 10-08-2010, 07:48 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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You've gotten some real good responses here.

Especially Naive's translation of your BF's letter. (Great work, Naive!)

I think you are VERY wise to postpone the wedding.
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Old 10-08-2010, 08:10 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Naive.....there must be someplace you could make a FORTUNE with that's truly incredible!

dmmarch, Perhaps we sound cynical and cold? Unfortunately this insight comes from loving our alcoholics more than we have loved ourselves until we are well and truly spent. Our hearts broken, our reputations harmed, our finances in ruins, and in need of counseling ourselves.
It is so hard to extricate ourselves when we have become enmeshed over periods of years in completely confusing messages and madness.
You are very wise to put the brakes on!
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Old 10-08-2010, 10:26 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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noday says it all and I too have been you and listened to the bs and even though every cell in my body was telling me to run my codependency won out.

I am now 51 and in a worse place financially than when I was 28.

I am in therapy.

We have 2 kids and I am stuck having to deal with them until they are of age--which is another 13 years.

I worked in the same place for 20 years--he got close to half my pension and 9 years of my service was taken away and given to him so he can use that to increase his monthly pension payment when (and if) he actually leaves it there. He won't. He'll take the money and run. So I lost of ton of money and 9 years of my work life for what-the same kind of man who wants you to throw your life away and marry him.

Don't do it. Go NC. Take a looooooog break from him and don't let him toss his guilt your direction. All his bs about not wanting to postpone the wedding is because he does not want anyone to know his BIG SECRET. And you know what, if you don't want to, you don't need to give an explanation to anyone.

I divorced this guy and all his friends still think I am insane for throwing away such a gem. He was fool's gold. He was a CZ. He is not, and never was the real thing. He is a phony. You know what. Now that we are divorced and he no longer has his live in enabler he is one lost soul. He got a huge amount of money but is calling me up to ask me how to get his life insurance. He was pissed when I filed for divorce and insisted on joint custody (I said OK but have impasse for medical and mental health issues for our kids). NOW he is upset because he doesn't have visitation-he has placement. Placement means he actually needs to find a place to live where the kids can stay and he has to actually buy them--oh no, clothing and a toothbrush.

Have you ever watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail? (OK, so I'm a little odd in my thinking but this is always what I think about when I recall I let myself by duped and married to someone who wrecked a large portion of my life).

He's not a harmless little bunny. Run away! Run away!
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Old 10-08-2010, 10:26 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Oh and naive-I agree you need to find a place where you can do translations for a living!
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