sadmom

So it's happened. After a series of event this summer (rehab, back to work, drinking on weekends, drinking after we go to bed etc..) it's happened. I have a 6 year old that asked me why I put up with dad. Eerily enough I saw a palm reader during a rennfaire that asked me who the child was that hated the man with the bottle - literally no lie. I broke into tears. Anyways it was a Sunday and we had been gone. We would leave because he would spend the weekends drinking. No point being around. She was playing with alphabet letters on a stove and he came around the corner and asked her what the h*ll she was looking at and what the H*ll she was doing. That was the third time he berated her and I saw her life flash before my eyes. I was planning on leaving but wasn't in a place to do so (financially). I left with just a few bags and headed out the door with her and the 3 year old and started driving. That was two weeks ago and we have been staying with a friend. During a sound moment I got him to agree that he has to leave. The house is for the kids. That is theirs - not his. They had no choice being born to an alchoholic. I at the time did not see it. It's something that has progressed to his driniing and my hating myself for my anger that is openly directed to him.
Living with an A is like living with someone with multiple personalities. Last week I was the reason he drank - the kids were illbehaved because of me, I wasn't attentive enough to his needs, I'm the trigger. His parents believe that btw. Anyways So he is leaving and we are getting our house back. The only reason I didn't file for divorce wa that I promised him if he got out now I would wait to see if he could stop - his swearing that he could.
My dilemma is that I feel I'm mourning the what else could I have done's and I'm hating myself for that. He's making me feel guilty for leaving. Has anyone else felt this way or experienced this?

sadmom

BTW during all of this I was able to refinance the house at significantly reduced price and my business business picked up a new customer. I felt God watching over me finally. That I finally did what I was supposed to do - to remove those children fron a life of abuse (not physical) but mental and psychological.

countrygirl

Everything I read here says 3 Cs about his drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. That is always true. You have your life, he has his. There is nothing you could have done to change him. All you could do is save your kids. You did the right thing.

It certainly was an abusive situation. The farther you get from it, the more you will see that.

It sounds like you already know some of the basics, welcome and I hope this place and the program will be a boon to your life.

countrygirl

PS If he does stop, it will still take a very long time for him to recover, so don't look for anything soon.

And as for me - a former husband quit drinking after I filed for divorce, did the program, straightened up for good. For me it was too late, too much water under the bridge, bridge fell down and washed all the way to the ocean. But plenty of others have had husbands recover and rejoin the family.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi sadmom.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling that God was finally watching over you because you were doing what you were "supposed to". I've had that feeling, too. It sounds like you're doing good things for you and your kids. Hugs and prayers for all of you.

Smoke

Gabe

You have done amazing things in the past few weeks. Pat yourself on the back and HOORAY for you. You have shown strength in the face of adversity. You have stood up for yourself and for your children.
It's been my experience that addicts always blame others for their problems. It's part of the denial that goes with the disease. You know that what he's doing isn't because of you or your kids. He would blame anyone or anything if it took the blame off of him.
I'm so glad to hear that you have taken many steps in the direction of a healthy life. God bless you and your kids. Keep the faith.
Peace,
Gabe

sadmom

You know I'm sitting here in tears trying to figure out why I'm so sad. If it's relief, if it's the unknown, if it's because I couldn't fix this (I'm a born fixer by nature). I don't know. I'm just so upset while trying to rationally think this all through. I told him once that his sickness is making me sick. I've finally carried through with my threats. Had I done so earlier could some of the really crappy stuff have ceased earlier? it's unbelievable how this illness makes you hate sojmeone. I did realize this week though that I don't hate him, but I feel sooo sorry for someonje that can't see the beauty in two wonderful children.

sadmom

I guess I also need reassurance that I've done everything I could have and I know I have from people that have been there and to not be judged. That's coming fromthe inlaws when they find out that he moved out. I know that. I have to keep telling myself that the problems in the marriage are the result of the alchohol over and over and over again. I'm sure as time goes on I will feel more and more confident of this but now that I finally did it I'm replaying everything in my head.

still learning

sadmom

Sending you loving thoughts and "Angel HUGS" as you grow in knowing. Just knowing you have a choice to NOT REACT or NOT DEFEND - take a slow deep breath any time someone starts to "get on your case" - say to them, "Please help me understand." Repeat what they say to you - right back to them (it's called mirroring). You said, "I caused "such & such"? Please help me understand." Keep doing it. Keep the ball over on their side of the net. "Please help me understand." I'm learning this from my counselor - changing my behavior - knowing I choose to do what is good for me. LGLG. (Let Go, Let God).

sdp

I have not been where you are (A's in denial, but he's not abusive) but it does sound to me that you have done the right thing, and need to stick to your guns and do the best for you and the kids.

Best of luck in your situation!!!!!!!!!

kwelling5737

(((sadmom)))

I've been in your situation and can relate to how you feel.

It IS cleansing though to finally come to the realization that we are not responsible for their behavior. (even though there are times I slip and feel guilty)

Progress not Perfection....my slogan for the day.....

You and your children will be in my prayers...

Hugz~

Kim

Ann

Sadmom

It's okay to be sad, it's a time to grieve the loss of your dream. You will feel the peace and freedom, but a sadness is also normal when you are going through something like this.

Sad is okay, just don't linger there too long. Keep looking ahead to a new start and a happier life, and keep trusting that God is watching over you and your children. And do nice things for yourself - get out and have some fun. You've been through a rough time, now it's time to learn to enjoy life.

Sending hugs and prayers for you and your children.

Hugs
Ann

JT

Sadmom,

Of course you are playing it all back in your head. You are stunned and in a state of shock. Be good to yourself right now...you need it.

I loved what you said about a general feeling of rightness or well being. That is so important and will be the fuel to keep you moving forward.

Hugs,
JT

TinyOne

Sadmom-

You are going through a normal process of grieving for the 'life that never will be'. You did the right thing. When you start thinking of 'what you could have been done' , think instead of 'what could have happened':

--Your daughter in the ER with an 'accidentally' broken arm.
--You in jail for banging him on the head with a skillet for swearing at your daughter once too often.

Because that is where I see your situation ending up if you had stayed.

You have now become a great role model for your daughter. It won't be easy but you do have the support of everyone here and anyone that counts in the real world.

Best Wishes,

Tiny

sadmom

you are right - that is exactly where is was heading and had already started to ;( It's just scarier seeing someone else put it into writing. Thinking of that makes me less doubtful. I just need to keep coming here and going to Al-anon as I put time between the here and now and the then to make sure I keep remembering.

spedteach

Sadmom,
Sending tons of hugs your way!!! I think it's okay to be sad because that's part of the normal healing process!!! You DID do the right thing for you and your children!! Our children are innocent in all of this and in order for that cycle to be broken only the adults in their lives can do that...You hit your breaking point and honestly, you are worrying about what you need to worry about..those kids and you!

Only he can control him! He is the only one that can hit his bottom and get the help he needs! It may or may not be too late for your marriage..only the 2 of you can decide that...but why rush into any decisions?? Take it one day at a time and enjoy the peace in your house and be the best mommy to your kids! Also, I do believe our hp looks out for us!!!

Sped teach