She's tanked again and I'm walking on eggshells
 

My W went over her usual 5 drinks tonight and my heart is pounding a mile-a-minute. I think she's finally passed out (at least I hope she is). She was slurring and stumbling and thought she was very cute. Even the kids were making fun of her. Luckily she thought they were just joking around with her. Otherwise she would have raged at them and then at me for allowing them to make fun of her. She would say "So you AGREE with them?! YOU think I'm a drunk too?! I'm having real doubts about you. I just don't feel safe with you. This really concerns me!"

I've been reading 'Codependent No More' and am trying to detach. I figured while it's not ok for my kids to make fun of their mom, this was a natural consequence of her actions.

Still don't have the guts to confront her about her drinking. When she drinks she gets paranoid, confrontational and verbally nasty. She also likes to accuse me of having an affair. These are just the behaviors that make me back down.

She can also get very sexual. I've been going along because I don't want a confrontation before I'm ready for one. I don't feel good about myself on that score.

I want to tell her that I will not engage with her, argue with her or sleep with her when she's drinking. Nor will I buy alcohol for her. I love her but can't control her drinking and will take care of myself.

I've always been a casual drinker (1-2 drinks per week) but now I really don't want to drink at all. She has been offering to make me drinks all week but I always refuse. Tonight, she offered me a beer which I took so as not to look like I'm trying to make a point passive aggressively. I couldn't finish it and didn't enjoy it at all. I want to be present, not in a haze.

I don't know if it's her paranoia or the fact that I'm not very good at hiding my feelings but she very often looks at me and says, "Why are you looking at me like that"? So I try not to look at her.

This pains me so much because I love her very much. When she's not drinking, she's the woman I know and love. After three or four drinks I can't stand her.

I'm sure this all sounds pretty classic. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm trying my hardest to take care of the only person I can take care of (me).

I know I will need to stand up to her, if for nothing else, to keep her from raging at the kids.

Well, that's if for now. Hopefully she's asleep. Not looking forward to the holidays.

Hello SteppingUp. I am glad you are in SR, a place of healing and growth.

Have you considered going to a therapist? I recently found one that gets addiction, gets codependence, gets low self worth.... and she has helped me. This is tough stuff to deal with, alone.

Have you read the Stickies? "Classic reading" has many useful articles.
There will be more people much wiser and experienced coming along.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

I would also like to suggest that you go to the forum Adult Children of Alcoholics to see exactly what this is doing to your children and how it will affect them as adults:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Read the stickies and some of the threads there also.

Alcoholism is truly a 'Family Disease' and can affect many more than just the alcoholic.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you and your children are having to live with a loved ones addiction. It affects everyone in the home.

You have found a wonderful resource of hope, information and support. We understand what it feels like, looks like and smells like while living with alcoholism. You are not alone.

Please pull out your keyboard and post as much as needed.

Here are some steps that have helped some of us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Thank you all so much for your kind words. And thank you for the reading recommendations!

When she drinks she gets paranoid, confrontational and verbally nasty. She also likes to accuse me of having an affair. These are just the behaviors that make me back down.

And that's why she will keep that "paranoid" behavior up - because she knows it will keep you off her back so she can keep drinking.

Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. It took me a while to understand that - but the more I thought about it and applied it the more I could see that it is entirely true.

So if they need to rage and frighten people to get them to back off so they can keep drinking another day then they will rage and frighten people; if they need to keep their job so they have money to drink, they will keep their job; if they need to cry and look pitiful and admit that they have a problem, they will do that. Nothing gets in the way.

This is true of all our A loved ones:
When she's not drinking, she's the woman I know and love.

Just remember it is not a measure of their love that they cannot stop - it is just a measure of the powerful nature of addiction. Nor is it a measure of our love for them if we need to take steps to protect ourselves & innocent children - if love could cure addiction none of us would be here.

I learned some pretty whacked out stuff growing up in an A home - some bad dynamics and bad ideas about how people behave in relationships...took me many painful years to undo - and sadly 3 of my bros grew up to be alcoholics.... I wish someone in my childhood had the guts to put their foot down and say - hey this is not OK, there is something wrong in our family and it is called alcoholism, and it is not your fault!

Glad you're here - keep doing the next right thing for you and your kids - she will do what she will do and in the case of an an alcoholic, sadly, that means drink - and progress further into the addiction.

Peace-
B

Thank you so much for your reply Bernadette. I'm truly inspired by the wealth of wisdom I'm receiving here.

:welcome SteppingUp.
It makes me sad that you are living the way you describe. I am glad you have found SR and are reading CoD No More.

Here also is a link for locating an Al-Anon meeting, which I recommend.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Steppingup, Hmm strange name for your post. Do you feel like your "stepping up" sounds to me like your looking the other way. You say you have children that witness her drunk???????? I think you actually need to talk with her when she is sober and try and seek help for yourself and children. They should be inspiration for you to STEPUP
This message is from my heart and not meant to hurt you. I have been in your shoes. MY EXAB father of my baby....well, that story is too long. Lets just say I put my baby before him; maybe you should think about your children first. good luck. I will pray

Keep reaching out for support and information. We are here to help you.

I like the screen name "stepping up". I think it symbolizes one of the steps of recovery.

The three steps of recovery are:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

Nothing changes until we become Aware of the problem.

Then comes Acceptance. Understanding that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. Accepting the reality that my own life (as well as minor children) was the only life I had control over.

This leads to the last step: Action

It appears you are ready to step up and take Action to protect yourself and your children. Good on you!

Hi Steppingup

"I want to tell her that I will not engage with her, argue with her or sleep with her when she's drinking. Nor will I buy alcohol for her. I love her but can't control her drinking and will take care of myself"

Well done you, you are heading in the right direction, this is a big step that took me ages to get to.

From experience, be aware of how manipulative A can be, they will beg, steal, borrow, lie to get what they want. Emotional blackmail is top of their list im afraid. In time you will be able to identify what is called here "Quacking" and as it sounds that is exactly what it is.

Protect your children in anyway you can, is there somewhere you can go when she is at her worst? This will affect them I agree with Laurie read up on how it can affect them and what you can do.

Glad you found SR, it was a lifeline for me, ive been free of my AB now for a few years, i am happy and most importantly my children are happy.

God bless

Mair

True Pelican true.

That sounds so hard. I'm glad you've reached out for some help. It does help to step back and say, "Huh, if she's determined to drink there's really nothing I can do to stop her." It just gets the pressure off you a bit.

I think it also helps to have your experience reflected here. She will most definitely attack you, in whatever way she can, if she sees you as an obstacle to a drink. It's just what happens. Not your fault at all.

That's exactly why I chose the screen name SteppingUp. For me, just realizing that there is a serious problem and taking steps to deal with it is a big step. Taking care of myself is something I've rarely done in my life. Spent most if it trying to keep everyone else happy (Codependent, I know)!

It hasn't worked.

One really good first step is to make an escape plan for the next time your wife gets stinking drunk.

Can you figure out a place that you and your children can get away too so that you all don't have to witness her drunkness? Maybe you don't realize it, but being a dysfunctional home with an active alcholic is going to have a horrible affect on them... and it will affect them well into the future.

Think about it. You are an adult and you don't want to face the problem of your wifes alcoholism - it's hard for you to understand... now imagine what it's doing to your kids. They have even fewer coping skills than you do!

I just keep getting a mental image of my sister.

In her household, drinking is normal...because she says so.
And her kids don 't know what it is like to be in a home where people don't drink daily.

I stayed with her for a few weeks when I first re-located to her area some time back.
(glad I am no longer near by)

The teen kids knew when she was getting "buzzed" as they all like to call it and would intentionally mess with her...but I saw that, at some level, they disrespected her.
It also gave them some leverage with her..if you know what I mean.

Her guy would always just remain uninvolved and go to bed early.

But it still shocked me that every day she would come in from work and grab a beer out of the fridge.
That was her dinner.
Sometimes I had dinner in the crock pot, others they got delivery.

This is a normal, good life to them.

Guess what those young people think is perfectly normal and reasonable now?
Getting a buzz.
Being with others who like to get a buzz.
Yeah.

In any case....she isn't behaving in a way that makes you proud to be her partner.
That walking on eggshells stinks badly, too.
You've every right to choose the kind of life you want and value and respect.
I know that I lost respect for myself when I was with someone whose drinking was insane.
I was compromising myself in all kinds of ways.

from pelican: The three steps of recovery are:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

Yes the 3 A's - very important to remember when dealing with the 1 A!!!

And they go in that order - awareness - acceptance - action.

I know sometimes I have jumped the gun because as soon as I am aware of a problem I want to fix it! If I jump ahead of acceptance I usually end up hurting myself or others, or frustrated by my skewed expectations.

Acceptance is by far the hardest step for me....but it is only after acceptance that I can decipher what I can actually control in a bad situation and can then take action!

Peace-
B