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Old 10-02-2010, 12:27 AM
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Unhappy New to the forum

Hi , this is my first post on the forum which i found by accident whilst looking for information on detachment . I am a 44 year old mother of two teenage girls and we have lived with my abf for 8 years up until yesterday . When i first met the abf i had no idea that he was an alcoholic ( kept it very well hidden) and even when he moved in with us i still didn't realise what a problem he had .
Around three months after he moved in , when he lost his job and was reluctant to find work only then did i realise the extent of his drinking and for over three years i basically kept a roof over mine and my childrens heads whilst he drank and drank .During this period he would disappear for days at a time and i would feel frantic with worry , but eventually he would turn up at the house looking and smelling like a tramp , and we would begin the process of getting him better !!
He managed to find a good job , we moved to a larger house and he stayed off the alcohol , with a couple of relapses in 4 years , one major relapse when he was fired from the job but eventually taken back on the condition that he didn't drink , which he managed until recently.So for the last seven weeks i have gone from living with a man who I thought had the problem under control to a man who thinks HE has it under control .
I read that it is not the wife/partner who cause the drinking but after all the name calling and accusations of being a nag , my girls being selfish etc etc sometimes it's hard to believe that it wasn't my fault . Every weekend for 6 weeks he's spent out of the house , drinking with friends and not getting home till the following day . I have not had any housekeeping money from him in a month and because the rent is due today , yesterday after asking me if i was going to pay it , to which i replied NO , he showered , changed and headed for the door . I completely lost my temper and demanded the house key , which he handed over without any problem , and left saying he'd return for his belongings later .
After a sleepless night , early this morning i received a text message from him saying he wants to collect his belongings and his computer etc etc . How can someone who when drinking can sleep for 2 hours and drink for 22 hours be so focused on getting his material possessions and acts like we never had a relationship . I know i have done the right thing in telling him to leave , he hasn't been interested in anything other than drinking , over stepped my boundary of NO alcohol in the house , and drank at home also after work and through the night too .
My question is how can someone who has a drink problem be so focused on moving on so quickly , causing me pain but can't focus on the real problem ...

thanks , cytagirl
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Old 10-02-2010, 12:45 AM
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You are getting between him and the most important thing in his life...his next drink. He wants to remove you as an obstacle to continue. It's his right as an adult to screw up his life so far as the law will let him, don't hold it against yourself as you didn't cause the problem nor can you fix it. It sucks to hear, but in his world the only thing that matters is drinking, relationships with others be damned. (I'm one w/ drinking problem personally and despite the situations being different, our thought processes tend to be the same regardless.)

He might come to his senses eventually and never go back...or just continue until who knows what happens (something bad to be sure). You made a fantastic decision to no longer be part of that. Best of luck moving forward with your and your daughters lives, him being around likely helps skew their mindset of what is considered an acceptable relationship.
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:17 AM
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You've made the best decision, especially for your two girls. They will learn what relationships are about, what is "normal"...from you and how they see you and your partner interacting. When they get older they will think bad behaviour is acceptable, that being unhappy, worrying and care taking is normal. They might even be attracted to drinkers.

What you've taught them by kicking him out is that it's not acceptable behaviour, that you shouldn't put up with stuff like that in the name of "love" and that it's ok to be by yourself.
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:34 AM
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Pity you can't hold his belongings in lieu of the rent and money he owes you.
What a lowdown jerk he is, and how good it will be to have him out permanently.

For you and your girls sake, change the locks anyway, go no contact, and expect. at some time within the next few months to hear how he is either still in love with you and wants to return or he is happy, sober and doing fine without you. Both will be c**p lies.
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:03 AM
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hi cytagirl-

i would be glad that he is willing to go and also, that you got your key back. i know it's hard but try not to take it personally....it is about the drink.

when you get in the way of the drink, an alcoholic will frequently get themselves another enabler. don't take that personally either. it is about the drink.

if you can, have a friend in the house when he comes to get his things. or better yet, agree to a drop off point which isn't your home. leaving is a dangerous time and he might be surprised that you're going thru with it.

i would also change the locks and change your phone number. i know that sounds dramatic, but it could save you a lot of heartache in the future.

to answer your question about how they can move on so quickly, it is because alcholics will protect their right to drink and eliminate people who get in the way of that. also, they do not have to deal with their feelings, as they can just have another drink and numb themselves that way.

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Old 10-02-2010, 06:22 AM
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My question is how can someone who has a drink problem be so focused on moving on so quickly , causing me pain but can't focus on the real problem ...
I have been in similar situations with past alcoholic and addicted BFs (if you want to call them that, I mean, they never were much of a BF). These men do the BARE MINIMUM when it comes to maintaining a household and having a relationship.

It is difficult, and hurts, to think and feel about them with love and affection, while they act cold, cruel, and uncaring toward me. The way I understand it is that (1) their main focus is getting the alcohol and continuing to drink it. The relationship is just a means to an end. Anything that gets in the way of the drinking and/or drugging is just a nuisance to them. They have used me in order to have a place to stay, food on the table, and comfort. And I gave those things freely, wanting and expecting something in return.

Whatever they need to do to just barely survive is what they will do. Here I was TRYING to have a relationship with this person, while HE is operating in some other universe. He lives in an alternate reality. To me, what you are asking is everything to do with your PERCEPTION of the situation and nothing really to do with his feelings. You have a different perception of this relationship than he does.

And (2) they become accustomed to the scenario where: He messes up and I lose my head and react. They always have the upperhand, because they know that leaving will cause me to react emotionally and be all fearful and crying and then actually BEG them to come back. Because they know I think I NEED them. It is a game.

For me, letting them go and adjusting my beliefs about what I need in a relationship with a man was the best thing I could do. They just moved on to the next sucker who would play the game with them.

(((hugs))) be well. take care of yourself.
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:01 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource for support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Some of our stories are in the permanent (Sticky) posts at the top of this forum.

This is a link to one of the Sticky posts and it contains steps we have taken when living with alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:07 AM
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Welcome to SoberRecovery, cyta!

So glad you stumbled upon us over in this corner of the internet. You will find much encouragement, and also read of other people's experience, and of their advice. We all have a slightly different take on things, and you get to choose which to follow.

It is incredibly painful living with someone who is no longer the loving, talented person we once knew. When they turn on us, it is tempting to internalize.

Let me ask you, if you saw an adult shame and punish a child for bumping over the glass of milk, would you think for one instant that the child was bad, or even really did something wrong? Of course, in this example, we know that the adult is out of whack.

When someone is abusive, their behavior is ALWAYS about what's going on inside of THEM, not the person they're dumping on.

Please don't take on his blame. It is simply not the correct placement of what's going on inside of him.
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:54 AM
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Wink

Thank you to everyone who posted a response to my initial question.

After many texts from the ex abf this morning, including abusive ones purely because I would not committ to a time when he could collect his belongings, I arrived home to find his car outside. I then text him and organised to dump his things within half an hour outside the house, then I left. The problem I now have is that I can not afford the rent on this house so I need to find a new place for myself and the girls, which he is fully aware of. Part of me, in a way is glad that i have to leave here but part of me can not believe he could basically make us homeless.
Very mixed emotions right now but I will take on board everything you have posted on here and I know day by day things can only get better. My eldest daughter believes it's for the best and both girls have given me great advice when I have self-doubt.
I have been reading many posts which give me great strength and comfort knowing I'm not going through this alone.

Thank you once again. Cyta.
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:16 AM
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He will have no qualms whatsoever about making you and the girls homeless. If he thinks the very idea of being homeless will keep you under his control, he'll use it for as long as he can.

Trust me, mine left me penniless and stranded, with a child.

Start looking and planning now!
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:41 AM
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You can do this! Keep your head up high, and know you are doing the right thing for you and your children. It will get better.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:49 AM
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If he wasn't paying the rent, you'd have wound up homeless anyway.

My guess is that he thinks he's "calling your bluff"--that in the end you will beg him to come back, once you've "come to your senses". I say keep rolling with what you started. Getting someone out of the house is often the hurdle that keeps us in bad relationships for too long. You've got that part out of the way.

You will find a place to live that you can afford. It might not be as good as what you had, but no house is a home when it is filled with the chaos caused by drinking. A peaceful house that is tiny and cramped is better than a palace that's in a constant state of uncertainty and unpleasantness.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:55 AM
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IME, he feels OK about making you homeless because he has convinced himself that this is all your fault. He probably absolutely believes that because he's told it to himself (and his drinking buddies) so many times.

Congratulations for getting him out. You'll have really bad days where you feel lonely and depressed, you'll have days where you feel OK, and then one day you'll think to yourself, "Wow, it's peaceful around here! I don't miss him at all!" When you have the bad days, come here and post. It really helps.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:14 PM
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acts like we never had a relationship

I felt the same way after breaking up. Th xabf behaved this same way. Exactly. It's baffling and I will never get it. Then again, they are alcoholics. Nothing matters but alcohol and who is OK with their addiction (or hasn't realized what a horrible problem this is, or has realized it but is in denial and still hopeful).


at some time within the next few months to hear how he is either still in love with you and wants to return or he is happy, sober and doing fine without you. Both will be c**p lies.

Amen, Or also, he is happy and still drinking and "doing fine".
My therapist said no one who is abusing a substance is "doing fine" much less is "happy". And that he knows many of such partners and family that arriver to her practice destroyed. She no longer treats alcoholics- she said it was DRAINING even for her, that they relapsed often, that progress was too slow and success stories too few.



Really with active alcoholics, there is no outcome that will ever be healing to you, or make you feel less insane. That is why many of us go No Contact and stay as far away as possible. They hurt, manipulate, then hurt and manipulate more. I recently got someone out of my apartment and yes, I struggle more with rent but to get home and rest is great. To play with my cats. To prepare myself a lovely meal. To play my favorite music. So its a first step, later on will be letting them go from our lives. I hope you find a suitable home soon. I agree with the poster above THAT will be a real home regardless of how cheap or expensive it is.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:21 PM
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BTW are you really in Cyprus?? wow!! I have never "met" someone from there
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:30 PM
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Yes I am in Cyprus... and dont I know it . We have the AA here but nothing remotely like Al-Anon so all i can do is read about alcoholism and recovery .Eight years ago when i first discovered the xabf had a problem i basically nursed him for a week or so , was run ragged by his demands , even when he was coming off the beer and had mild DT's followed by other reactions looking back he still had total control over me ... I soon got wise to the manipulative ways of the alcoholic and left him to it the next time and the time after that and the time after that !!! ....It's 4 am here and i'm having problems sleeping , not really slept since all this kicked off 6 weeks ago but at least i dont have to worry about disturbing the then resident alcoholic and listen to the abuse that followed ... and he used to call me a nag .. I had a very good teacher in hind sight !! .I'm going to look at a property tomorrow which sounds promising which is both scary and exciting , fingers crossed it's suitable ie animal friendly (2 Dalmations and 7 rescue cats).... will keep you posted ..... Cyta x
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Old 10-03-2010, 03:02 AM
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After a text from xabf this morning , i packed remainder of his belongings and left them on drive to be collected . He duly arrived , took his gear and loaded it into his works van which he left at house on friday when he left. I did mention in a texted reply that he could have his computer euipment etc once he'd settled all outstanding bills and any covering period he was here. Not a happy bunny and i was called a b**** for my sins . What has really upset me is not the name calling but the way in which he took his things without so much as a backward glance , and obviously he hasn't been drinking otherwise he would not have driven (never has DUI ) .For 6 weeks or more he's been drunk every weekend , walked everywhere but the weekend he leaves , he's not .... I dont Get It !!! So upset right now , I just want to cry .
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Old 10-03-2010, 06:02 AM
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Thanks for checking in and letting us know how things are going. We care about you!

I am going to recommend a book for you. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It is a practical guide, easy to read with exercises for application, about relationships and how we can become entangled in our loved ones lives.

That book has helped me with detachment, grieving, boundaries, self-love and so many other areas of my recovery. I have read it several times and refer to it often.

You may be experiencing grief over the loss of this relationship. You did a healthy thing is asking an active alcoholic to leave your home, but it was still a relationship with an emotional investment. There will be grieving for the loss of what was, what could have been and of future dreams. Anger, depression, bargaining, etc are all part of the process.

Let us know how we can help you during this time.

(((hugs)))
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