BklynGrl

The anger I've felt over the past couple of months seems to have subsided into nothing but pure sadness and depression. I'm sad that AH is so far gone that he needs to text everyone that he might have cancer. I'm sad that he finally called to tell me he indeed needs a biopsy of his thyroid but hasn't scheduled it. I'm sad because I miss my mom who I lost to cancer a year and a half ago. I'm sad because I feel like my dad is always giving AH the benefit of the doubt and thinks I should be nicer to him.

I'm depressed because I know I want a divorce, but I'm not ready to start the process. I'm depressed because I just want this all to be over with and be able to start moving on. I depressed because I feel like i'm stuck in this place and who knows how long it's going to drag on for. Plus how can I file for divorce when he "might" have cancer, I already feel like everyone thinks I'm a horrible person.

JenT1968

there is never a time that iss good for everyone else to file for a divorce: just before christmas, when his family have a new arrival, an hour after his brother finds out he's got a great new new job, the same month as his mom's birthday, a week after valentine's day, 1 month after your anniversary, when he is worrying that he might have cancer, when he is elated because he does not have cancer, when he is devastated and goes on a massive binge because he does have cancer.

The only person you can base the timing of this decision on is you.... you cannot predict what is going on in his life and that of every family member and friend that will make this a "good time" to do it. Some people will dislike you because you made the decision, no matter what the timing, others won't give a hoot either way, some will feel glad you got the guts to go ahead with it. You can't control any of that.

When I realised that I had absolutely, definately had enough, that I wasn't going to give him any more chances and that I was done, I tried to think of the right time, it was the third week in November, 1 month after our wedding anniversary, 3 weeks after he had had surgery, so I thought, I can't do it now, but if I wait 1 week, we're nearly at christmas, we'll have all this tension and upset at christmas, 1 week after christmas is my birthday, two weeks after that is his birthday and his mother's, I went on and on with this going through the calendar trying to find the best time (barring unpredictable illnesses, deaths in the family, new jobs, happy events that I didn't want to ruin) and eventually after it stretching into the future and no perfect time in sight, I decided that the best time for me was right now.

Because then I wouldn't be uncomfortable knowing that I was going to announce that it was definately over, I wouldn't be pretending that things were ok when they weren't, fielding questions from family members, receiving presents at christmas etc (we had been living seperately for 9 months at this point, our agreement was that he would sober up during this time so that we could work on our marriage - he never did).

I have no doubt that my name was mud in certain quarters for a long time, it probably still is to some, but that has had no real impact on my life to be honest.

Only you can make the decision and it has to be made on your needs rather than based on what others may think of you.

nodaybut2day

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough spot.

Jen is right...decide on the "when" of your separation based on your timeline. Yes, you will be unpopular in some circles. So what? You're not doing this for popularity's sake, you're doing this so you can finally live a happy, healthy and SANE life.

FTR, an ex boyfriend pulled the cancer card on me when I was going to break up with him. I never quite knew what happened, but he certainly villified me in certain circles as the horrid gf who dumped the dude with cancer. In the end, it turns out he didn't have cancer, and boy did I feel angry that I stayed with him for several months after the "announcement".

You'll get through this. We're here for you

theuncertainty

Hugs, BklynGrl, I remember having the same doubts and feelings about dealing with STBXAH. My family lost 3 dear aunts (my mom's best friends) to cancer, so when I told her that STBXAH said he had cancer (which turned out to be a lie) she was very vocal that I should be helping him out, should get a new apartment and take him back to care for him. (In her defense, I had not told her about the domestic violence - well, at the time I still hadn't acknowledged that what he did was abuse.)

It was so, so hard. I beat myself up for not taking him back, for not agreeing to take care of him. I would berate myself often thinking "What kind of woman doen't take her H, even an AH, back when he has cancer?" I had to remind myself just as often: there are reasons why I left and he has done nothing - not one blasted thing - to either admit that those reasons were valid or take steps to work on correcting his part in those reasons. Going back to help him through cancer and treatment would still have been going back to actively living with those unresolved problems. Most likely those problems would have been made worse by him continuing to drink while sick.

I was also very hard on myself up when I wasn’t ready to file for divorce yet. A lot of kind and wise people here told me I’d take that step when I was ready. And so will you. Take the time you need to sort out your emotions. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.

I’m becoming quite fond of CatsPajamas signature: "What other people think of me is really none of my business!" I didn't get it when I first read it – wasn’t ready to let go of that crutch yet, I guess, but now it’s starting to make sense.

Take care of yourself and hang in there.

stilllearning

Firstly, a big hug. I lost my Mom to cancer, too and at 18 months out, you are still deep in the grieving process. It's a huge, huge loss and I hope you're being kind to yourself.

Now this:

"he finally called to tell me he indeed needs a biopsy of his thyroid but hasn't scheduled it."

Ok. A doctor wants a biopsy. That's not a cancer diagnosis. That's a "let's see what's up here." You know what's up - he's an alcoholic. He's poisoning himself every time he takes a drink.

But - HE HASN"T SCHEDULED IT. He is looking for you to pony up with concern, care and attention that he isn't matching with self-care. He's happy to call everyone you know and use the c-word - and he knows what a huge trigger that must be for you and your family right now...

But he won't make an appointment, get some answers and take responsibility for himself.

You have every right to do what he can't or won't do - which is care for yourself.

And you don't need permission from -anyone- to do it. It's your god given right hand your number one responsibility.

SL x

Jadmack25

Do what YOU need to do for YOU. He has been told he needs a biopsy, THAT IS NOT A DECLARATION OF CANCER. It is simply 1 of a number of tests to see what is happening, BEFORE a diagnosis is give. But trust an A to hit the drama button and yell "help", before he knows anything is actually wrong.

Well, you saw he had a drinking problem and asked him to sort it, but he did nothing and you did what you had to do then, left him. He is still drinking, and the only change is his idea that he now has CANCER, but obviously NOT in a hurry to have the biopsy. Hmmmm!

I would let it continue as is, at least until you have proof of a definite diagnosis and then see what YOU want to do.

May I suggest that if someone chides you about you not caring for your AH, you tell them to go care for him, walk in your shoes and see how they cope with it all. Then tell them to butt out of your business.

Stay annoyed, if you can't manage angry....much healthier than sad.

God bless

LexieCat

Sounds like you know what you want to do--it's just the unpleasantness of the process that is getting you down. Divorce isn't "fun" for anybody, but it's something that has to be gone through to get to the other side. It won't be any easier if you put it off. Look at it this way, you can wait until his health issues are resolved, be miserable the whole time, and still have the unpleasantness of the divorce looming. Or you can start taking steps to move forward now, and in a little while be free to move on with your life.

I agree with Jen, it's always something (channelling Roseann Roseannadanna). There's no such thing as the perfect time to get a divorce, just like there's no perfect time to quit drinking.

Do what is right for you. He may not like it, other people may not like it, but it's your life.