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Divorcing after 16 years any input welcome

Old 09-30-2010, 02:01 PM
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JTS
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Divorcing after 16 years any input welcome

My wife has been sober 12 years, we have been together 18 years, it recently came to my attention that she cheated on me during our engagement and after our marriage while drinking " not by her admission" and not once but several times with several people the one time I knew of I forgave her, but still this threw a deep rift in our relationship, I decided to stay with her, but we were never really close after that, in fact our marriage has been hanging on by a thread since. When I confronted her with this new information she refused to discuss it and all I got was............"I was sick", and "thats alcoholic thinking...me,me,me" While I understand the alcoholic thinking, her lack of remorse or admission of any wrong doing, or willingness to come clean was the last straw for me. To make matters worse when confronted she began accusing me of having a affair with a girl who is a friend..........not a girlfriend. I am a forgiving person and have been through the wringer in this relationship, but I see no future in this marriage if honesty is not an option with her. So I am going to be filing for divorce when she finishes school, anyones input is much appreciated.
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Old 09-30-2010, 02:10 PM
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Well, I'm not sure what input you are looking for, but, if the circumstances are such that you no longer want to be in the marriage, then I guess you are doing the right thing for you. I will say that it doesn't sound like your wife has done much for her sobriety other than just stop drinking. The bad behavior remains...the matter-of-factness, the lack of remorse, refusing to discuss anything or own up to the bad decisions she made. Lack of trust almost ensures that a marriage will not stand.

I hope things work out well for you.
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Old 09-30-2010, 02:11 PM
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I can see you feel hurt and betrayed. When did this infidelity happen?

If I'm reading right, it looks as though the infidelity happened while she was still drinking, so over a decade ago. If she's sobered up now, and that sort of behavior has stopped, and things are otherwise okay, do you want to maybe take some time and come to terms with how you're feeling before you make a decision to file for divorce? It could be that she thought, "Why hurt him by bringing up a betrayal from that horrible period? I'll leave it in the past."

Or maybe you suspect she's still drinking, or she's been doing other things, and you're generally unhappy and this is the last straw?
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Old 09-30-2010, 02:55 PM
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This is a tough call but it is yours to make - you and your wife get to make that decision.

Having said that much, I am wondering how "it recently" came your attention and how is that making a difference now?

Secondly, if it was in the past and I am not condoning it, why make it an issue now? just wondering if you left out some details.

Then wondering if you went to alanon, marriage counseling etc. in order to leave the past where it happened.

It sounds like you stayed together for some reason I cannot tell why, but again, it is certainly a difficult thing to go through no matter what the details are.

You came here for a reason and maybe you could let us know how to be more helpful.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:20 PM
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Recently I was at an Alanon meeting and someone said "if we are depressed we are in the past and if we are anxious we are in the future." Also the A New Earth book by Eckart Tolle helped me learn to focus on staying -in the present. The Abandonment book we are reading may help too. I had to get a divorce and one reason was there was no trust and another was no honesty. To thine own self be true.
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Old 09-30-2010, 04:21 PM
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Welcome to the SR family JTS!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed!
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:48 AM
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Thanks for the responses everyone, it was helpful, this forum is great, glad I found it. My wife is definitely not drinking anymore, I think the main reason this came to a head was that I found out through a friend about her cheating and decided that it must be dealt with, more so because of the lying and trust aspect even after all this time since it made our marriage what it is today "a wreck" I had considered alanon and counseling, but decided against since I felt it would be futile in a one way "honesty" relationship. My wife thinks I have slipped off the deep end for doing this, or I am going through a midlife crisis or something, but what was brought up here about honesty and trust is really in my opinion also, that a marriage is doomed without it. It was definitely good to get some other peoples point of view on it. Thanks all
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Old 10-01-2010, 07:54 PM
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Nothing can replace trust. No marriage can live without trust.
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