Emeraldstorm

I don't really like typing a whole long story, so I'll try and make this short as possible. I just now finally got out of my 5 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend who was a HUGE alcoholic. I'm so pissed that 5 years have gone by!

I moved here to Nashville with him and my best friend Catie. He didn't change so I kicked him out. It was easy for me this time because I had Catie with me. So my ex moved to Portland, and for some weird reason he has been doing better than me! He moved there, got a job right away, is quitting everything, been doing yoga even...and I'm mad that he's getting better...after everything he put me through, he's happy and I'm misberable...its so strange...I spent so much time on taking care of him and his family, that i abandoned myself and now I have NO direction and it's making me insane!

He wants me to move up there with him, but I'm so scared! I just feel like my life was more together when I was with him...he was my best friend, but he treated me like total **** for so long...I just don't know if he really is better you know...and I met this guy who has been nothing but great...he is in school and smart and doesnt like drinking that much at all...but hes sooo boring...or maybe im afraid that hes too good for me...AHHHH I'm SOO confused right now!

Just any advice would be awesome! <3

LaTeeDa

Well, since you asked.....

My advice is to stop depending on others for your happiness. Your friend, the new guy, the old guy---none of them will make you happy. You need to find out how to take care of yourself--spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. How about making a commitment to yourself not to get romantically involved with anyone for a while. Instead, devote all that time, energy, nurturing, and caring you have to YOU.

You won't regret it, I promise.

L

nodaybut2day

If he was your best friend and treated you like sh*t, then it's time to re-evaluate your concept of the term "best friend".

Don't you believe you deserve respect from your close friends?

Ahah, this is very important. How do you KNOW he's doing better way over there in Portland? Because he *said* he was? Do you think, perhaps, that he may be just a smidge...dishonest??

To me, as the outsider looking into your situation, his statement of "being all better" sounds like a HOOK to sucker you back into his life.

Let's say, for kicks, that you did move to Portland to be with him. Play the tape forward...you have a lovely "honeymoon" period where you think he's changed, then you start to notice little things that indicate that he hasn't, then those little things become big things, you confront him, he tells you off,...and then you're right back to how it was 5 years earlier.

a) it sounds to me like you're still looking for the bad boy you can save/change/help/train (I say this because that's what my relationships were like for a loooooong time).
b) it sounds like you're so not ready to be with someone else if you're having longings or doubts about your previous bf.

How about going No Contact with previous alkie bf, and spending some time reading Codependent No More, going to counselling, doing some physical activity, and rediscovering the joy of being with yourself. I know it sounds so "Oprah" to say this, but getting back to the basics (good food, good sleep, good exercise, laughter) can do wonders.

coyote21

Ya know, since I sobered up a few years ago I'm going back to skool, I'm a single dad and don't drink or date. I'm a pretty great guy, I'm pretty boring, no fun at all.

Now if I WAS still drinking, and was about 30 yrs younger, I'd be getting drunk, passing out at your family functions, driving drunk, wrecking YOUR car and getting thrown in jail, calling YOU to come bail me out, staying out all night, standing you up with out a call, hitting on your best friend, pi$$ing my pants and YOUR bed, $hitting myself, coming home all wasted, stinkey, sweaty and horny for a "little luvin'". Getting all mad at you if you dare get mad at me, calling you a "party pooper", "wet blanket", b!tch, and much worse. Stealing money from you, sleeping on your couch all day while YOU are at work, when I do decide to stay home I'm up all night playing video games, at least till YOU fall asleep, then I'm on porn/dating sites, I don't need a job 'cause YOU pay all the bills.

Wheeeeeeee hang on baby! Man that does sound exciting, in a non-stop drama filled kind of way.

We good men do seem a little boring to women that just haven't quite had enough drama/adrenalin in their lives. Please don't take offense, I used to think good women were boring too. It may be that I'm finally growing up since I sobered up. 'Bout 3 decades behind schedule! IDK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

nodaybut2day

Sorry for the hijack, but coyote, you had me in stitches hiding behind my computer screen here at work. Man, that was my life for 5-6 years! Were you stalking me or something??

FormerDoormat

Yeah, what Coyote said!

ItsmeAlice

When I first separated from my XABF I was in touch with him for about a month. In that month, he got in touch with another old employer and got a great paying job with a great apartment, a new dog, was supposedly drinking less, rekindled relationships with his family, and was back in his daughter's life, on and on.

Meanwhile, I was living in the basement of my now EX best friend infested with fleas and spiders and dealing with her bipolar chaos, which turned into an abrupt eviction as a result of her break down.

I was resentful of his good fortune and angry for my struggle.

There were two things that brought me around.

1) I remembered that all I ever wanted through the 10+ years of our dysfunctional relationship was for us to be happy. If for that to happen we had to go our separate ways, then I had to accept that. My time would come and it would happen by my own accord not because someone took that upon themselves to accomplish for me.

2) I accepted that if he was doing better and achieving great things then it supported the sad fact that we were not healthy together. My need for him to complete me as a person (codependence) and his desire to avoid obligation and personal independence made us a lose-lose combination.

My recovery continues. I still have issues with interpersonal relationships that I work through every day. I have not been in contact with him in over a year. I focus on my dreams and my goals in life. If one day I learn he has succeeded in sobriety and is living happily, then I will try to feel proud that I made a decision for myself that was a positive catalyst for him.

Breaking it down for you....you X was a wreck of an alcoholic with you, without you he says he's doing so well... so stay away.
You are unhappy alone....what's that about? Maybe it's time to find out why, work to resolve it, and find happiness within yourself before having serious relationships with others.

Best to you!

Alice

akrasia

So my ex moved to Portland, and for some weird reason he has been doing better than me! He moved there, got a job right away, is quitting everything, been doing yoga even...

Do you have mutual friends who have told you this? Or is this his report?

I mean, sure, maybe it's all true. Stranger things have happened. But if he's sending you all these detailed bulletins--AND asking whether you'll come out there? Sounds like he's just lonely and wanting to lure you back in.

Because seriously, I can't imagine telling an ex: "Oh my god, EVERYTHING IS GOING SO GREAT FOR ME!" That's just kind of mean, or creepy, or suggesting an ulterior motive.

I think if you just focus on yourself, making little goals for each day, you'll find yourself caring less about him.

akrasia

And it wouldn't hurt to go out for coffee with the boring man! [/mom]

coyote21

That was kind of a composite of all the OTHER drunks I've read about on here, I don't have ANY PERSONAL experience with any of those charming behaviors.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Jazzman

That was funny!

Pelican

Thanks for the update Emerald!

I suggest you give Cory some more time to get his recovery/job/sobriety/life in order. It is suggested in recovery that the alcoholic abstain from relationships for one year. It helps them to keep the focus on themselves. Cory hasn't been gone 4 weeks yet.

You posted this on 8-31-10
What steps are you taking to improve your life now that he is gone?

Bernadette

from nodaybut2day:If he was your best friend and treated you like sh*t, then it's time to re-evaluate your concept of the term "best friend".

Don't you believe you deserve respect from your close friends?

that's pretty much it in a nutshell!

That's one of those great lines you can bring to a therapist and boy oh boy will that get the ball rolling in a deep direction!

Great advice above Emerald--
Peace-
B

stilllearning

"Just any advice would be awesome!"

Weeeellll, as long as you asked... This last year, I found out that quitting the adrenaline cloud that comes along with being involved with an (alcoholic/addict/unavailable boy/girlfriend) is every bit as hard as quitting a substance.

What that means right now, for you, is that you have the opportunity to take a deep breath and start working hard on your own recovery. That guy Coyote described (oh Coyote, do you have a camera in my apartment??? Do you??? ) - well, there are thousands of them out there. And as long as you have a hole in your life that is shaped like that need for the adrenaline that he brings with him, you're probably going to keep filling that hole with one of those guys.

It'll take some hard work and you really have to want it - but you could hit al-anon, do some reading (Women Who Love Too Much changed my life) and start to figure out why your life seems so empty and directionless now the drama and chaos is gone. You can start to fill that hole with things that -you- want, that make -you- happy, and that will help -you- grow. Honest.

I've missed some great opportunities to do this for myself in the last 10 years and instead have gone about trying to fill that "space" that you're feeling right now with someone or something. The hole got bigger and deeper and wider until I finally decided to try something new.

I hope that some of this helps,

SL

TakingCharge999

Advice?? DON'T go to Portland !! I wished my ex lived in Portland, too. At least he would reactivate the economy in every pub and liquor store over there so it wouldn't be all bad.

Good news. You can do yoga, too. Yoga rules. Do yoga. I don't care if he does yoga. In yoga i Truly Rest, in a way that is very different from sleeping.

Over here we have a saying. "A dog that barks doesn't bite". People that are happy don't have to shout it out loud. Its a mean thing to say to an ex. It implies "I am better WITHOUT YOU". And a happy person knows what he does to others he does to himself. Happy people are not cruel.


After Manipulation techniques 101 with an alkie ex those words are like a lucky wildcard

"I am SO happy"
means
"I SAY I am happy. That means I got something that you want. and the only way to get it is to come back to me. Because i only serve alcohol, my master, and your presence allows it to suvive. YOU lack something. Not me"
or
"I SAY I am happy. So, you believe any bad time that we lived, that was 100% caused by my behavior, was Your Sole Fault. YOU are defective. Not me"
or
"I SAY i am happy. So, you are fooled into thinking the good compensated the bad, you were oversensitive, and it is a shame you no longer have the Huge Honor to be with me. YOU are less than me. Crave me, again. Minimize the bad, again. Why have any doubts - aren't you seeing HOW HAPPY I am??"


The good news about no contact is that you no longer feed your victimism, self destructive ideas, "love is limited" ideas (if someone else is happy/successful/beautiful then I can't possible be those things..they are taken), dwelling in the past, falling for any of the lies, etc etc.

You just don't get news anymore and you have more time to remember you are alive and free and your story hasn't ended yet.

LexieCat

I can't think of anything to add to this great thread. Maybe it's best if you merely wish your friend all the happiness in the world and go on to find your own.

I like Alice's thought, that maybe the two of you are happier/healthier without each other. It doesn't make either one of you bad people. The truth is, though, sometimes two people's "needs" and problems combine in a way that they feed off each other.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and it still feels weird to me not to have drama in my life. I think the answer, rather than cultivating drama, is to learn to be happy without it.

FiftyPence

Let me put some rhetorical questions to you.

Why are you pissed off that he's doing better? (let's give him the benefit of the doubt here). In an alcoholic relationship crazy feeds crazy. His crazy needs your crazy to "work". If he's in recovery, good for him. See, he doesn't need you to be sober. Maybe he needs something else. What do you need from a relationship? To be a caregiver?

Explore your anger here. Look very carefully at why you're angry. Is it because he's now being the person you want him to be? You feel cheated because the dynamics of your relationship with him couldn't allow for this while you were together?

I'd say it's entirely possible that, without introspection on both sides, to re-enter a signifcant relationship with him again is risky because all that subconscious stuff is still there between the two of you and may well result in an old behaviour pattern.