hopeful4

Good afternoon.

I have not posted in quite a while. I am just wondering if everyone else feels the same way about this? I feel like my husband's addiction..or prior addiction... is controlling our lives. He went to rehab and is doing great (4 months) but I am so scared. I know that one more time would send me over the edge and our life as we know it would be over. We are of course knee deep into this life. Married 10 yrs. 2 wonderful girls. mortgage. school loans....the lot. I feel like I need to prepare for the worse and be happy if it does not happen. I only know I cannot take it one more time. One sip and I am out. What have you done to prepare? How do you keep from thinking about this all the time? Every day I wonder if this will be the day I go home and find that he has drank again. I am scared but want to be realistic about this. How can I prepare for the worst and hope for the best at the same time?? My girls love their father so much and would be crushed, but I simply know I cannot do this again....ever.

Any advise would be appreciated. Yes, I have support. I go to Celebrate Recovery and have wonderful people there. I go to counseling.

Thanks in advance!!!

suki44883

Support is great, but it should be the right kind of support. It sounds like you need to learn detachment. Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? You will find much face-to-face support from people who have been exactly where you are. They can help you learn to live your life without waiting for the other shoe to drop. You deserve a life free from the stresses of worry about what he will or will not do.

hopeful4

Celebrate Recover is certainly like that. I have an entire small group that have been down this road, yet I still cannot seem to come to grips with it. I have been to Alanon before, maybe I will try it again. It is not so much concern for him (although that sounds snarky) it is the concern for my kids if he lets us down again, and the financial concern it causes also. How does one detach from the fear you have when it is not for you but for your children?? Even though it has been four months I feel like every time I take a step forward I go five back. I am trying very hard, I just dont feel like I am making much progress. Sorry to ramble!

suki44883

Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Of course it isn't the preferred outcome, but should a separation become necessary, they will survive. I did, as have many others. It has been said that it is better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I agree.

So far as the finances go, start socking money away in an account that he cannot get to. Make a plan in case anything happens that you feel the need to leave. You don't have to do anything right now, but many times, just having a plan in place will give us a sense of peace.

seekingcalm

I think in much the same way, 4 months is such a short time for your husband's sobriety and recovery, 4 months is a short time for you to expect to be over the trauma and the fear and the insanity that goes with living with an active alcoholic.

It sounds like you are doing everything right, but learning to detach with love, and not live in fear is something that is learned over time. The longer you keep working on you, as hard as you want him to work on himself, I think the better you will feel.

I have learned that for me, it was easy to love and forgive, but getting back trust takes a long time, lots of honesty, and continued hard work for both partners, and a longer period of continued sobriety for the alcoholic loved one. Patience, that's a tough one for everybody.

akrasia

That is a really hard way to live. Doing things like this can give you peace.

Still Waters

Make sure you're independent. If that should happen, you can walk away knowing you can take care of yourself.

hopeful4

Yes, just today I took a small amount of money to set aside. Of course, he does not have a job right now so it takes all of our income. He does receive u.e. benefits, so it is not terrible, but it's tight. I have thought of trying to get him to sign a contract that states if he should drink again he would have to leave our home and only see our children under the supervision of his mom or sister (who are both trustworthy). He is on probation, so drinking would be a probation violation and I have made it very clear I will not hesitate to call and tell his probation officer. Keep his card in my wallet just in case.

I had a big part in keeping him out of jail after a drinking stint that caused major property damage at a felony level. I don't want to use these things. I certainly don't want to see him go to jail, which is what would happen I think. However, I am not willing to be exposed to this again and the fear of it all almost strangles me. Not for me, because I am so emoationaly drained, but for my girls. They have been through so much. You are right, kids are resiliant, however when I think about what it was like when he was gone for only 30 days...wow. Although at the end it was good. My biggest mistake was letting him come home when he got back from rehab. I should have said take a year and prove yourself, then maybe we can work it out. Too late now, I cannot do it to the kids or to him in all fairness. I have to live out what we agreed on.
This all sounds so bitter, and it is in so many ways. I dont want to be this bitter obsessed person with this, I just want peace and happiness, which is what he is trying for. I know time is the key, I have just never been very patient!!

Thank you so much for the input. It is nice to have somewhere to go with these thoughts instead of inside my own head.

naive

hi hopeful-

i think it is important to trust your intuition. i get into trouble when i try to argue with my intuition...this causes stress and mental circles that don't stop.

from your post, it does not appear that you are confident in your husband's recovery. i would pay attention to this and not put it on a back burner.

i always feel better when i have a plan. do you have a plan if he has one sip?

for example, a plan would be to have some cash put aside, a bag with things you would need (pay-as-you go mobile phone, paper with important numbers written down, change of underwear, etc.) and a place to exit to immediately. like a family or friend's house for the short-term.

that's just an example. but what i'm saying is figure out for yourself what you will do if he has one sip and then if he does, you will be prepared.

i think this will eliminate some of the pressure you are feeling.

the 5 P's: PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE!

naive

Still Waters

I regret letting my AH come home after rehab, though it wasn't right after. I know EXACTLY what you mean hopeful.

JenT1968

really? why? I know that might sound odd, and I'm not critisising, but you are allowed to change your mind, to say I need a bit of space, I am finding this too stressful, your wellbeing is important. say that to yourself.

as for the preparing for the worst/hoping for the best: my job is very insecure right now (I know this is a very different scenario, but it illustrates the point I am going to make), we have been under scrutiny for cuts for nearly a year now, there is no decision as yet, and no timeframe for the decision, just constant probing, justification, rumours etc. I know that redundancy is a very real possibility but I don't know if or when, the worry of that long term was doing me damage, in the end I had to accept that it is a possibility, but recognise that worrying about it wasn't preparing me for it; the hurt, the difficulties will be as real whether I spent all my waking hours thinking about it or not. Not only that, but worrying about it stops me sleeping, lowers my morale, affects the work that I am currently paid to do, and ruins my now.

I have made a concious decision to a) put in place some practical things that will help if I am made redundant (lowering my credit card balance, updating my c.v.) and other than that not to think about it. I will be okay, whatever happens, I will sort it out, fretting doesn't mentally prepare me.

could you do that about this situation? even for a little bit? it takes practice, but gets easier.

Babyblue

Don't let worry control your life. You cannot control the outcome anymore than you could control his using. All you can do is live in the here and now. If you do fret and worry every second, that will send negative messages to the kids and him. Stay positive! Cross that bridge when/if you get to it.

Remember with all the sad stories out there, there are good outcomes. Until you know otherwise, assume that yours will be as well.

hopeful4

Thank you all so much. I am going to try to be positive and try to be calm and give this time. This constant nuttiness about it is not helping...that is for sure! I hope you all have a successful journey for yourselves and I do truly value your thoughts.

God Bless!

RollTide

I can only tell you what mistakes I made:

I let him come home immediately after rehab.

I made boundaries and did not enforce them. Therefore I lost respect for myself.

stella27

Wow. I have so much to say. lol.

1. I love what JenT said. I stayed stuck for 15 years because "I said I would and I am going to." How did I get to be so uber-responsible that I had to live up to promises that were not working for me (and as a result, my children)?

2. I made a deal with myself that when the stress of living WITH him was greater than the stress of a single-parent home, I was done. Again, not teh stress on ME, but on my children.

I think it's hard to see that the children are under the same pressure that you are. the differences are that they don't HAVE a choice, so they are relying on you, and that they are forming. Living in a pressure cooker will change their very personalities and who they are. You have an obligation to them that they grow up in peace.

I am getting a divorce from my children's father for alcohol and other mental health reasons. My children love him more than anything. They are also thriving by living in my reliable, steady home, and seeing him for fun on weeknights and weekends. It is not what I would have chosen for them, but given who their dad is, it is the very best thing I can do for them with the options available to me.

coyote21

My axw went to court ordered rehab for 30 daze. I could tell about 2 weeks in, "IT" wasn't happening for her. At the time, in my naivety, I believed rehab was the end all, be all solution for my problem. IMO court ordered rehab rarely works.

We were in the CPS system and I went to our case workers office and asked what their (the State's) next move was if I let her come home, and she relapsed (over 95% relapse). She was very candid with me, told me the departments next move would be to remove our then 5yo daughter from BOTH of us.

Game over for me, the stakes were way too high then.

Oh, I offered the 1 year sobriety deal to my axw. Her response was to invite me to do something to myself which would be physically impossible, or at least very uncomfortable.

BTW, she called me wasted mid afternoon on her 10th day out of rehab. I couldn't hardly believe my own ears. Still unfathomable to me 4 years later.

Any way that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have no advice other than Alanon. I do know how it feels to be where you are.

Try and get some serenity for yourself. My poor daughter had TWO drunk parents, and when I finally sobered up, I STILL neglected her because I was so crazy/immersed in her mom's drinking.

ACOA's often report that the neglect/craziness/codependency of the SOBER parent was more damaging than the antics of the drunk parent. I know, food for thought, huh? Oh, and this is not about making you feel guilty, don't. I did the best I could for DD till I knew better. Still true today.

Actually, you could always change your mind if you wanted to. I've told my axw I'd do things, then after reflection, called her back and simply told her I'd reconsidered. They don't take that very well, but this is about YOUR comfort level, not his.

My comfort level/clarity improved dramatically when I based my decisions on what was best for my daughter and myself vs. what was best for the alcoholic.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote