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Broke up with alcoholic boyfriend

Old 10-01-2010, 09:06 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I know my earlier response initially seemed a bit obscure, so I'll elaborate more. The first item that made me think of the list I posted for you was the fact that after only five months in the relationship he is pressuring you to move forward quite fast, and in such a creepy and manipulative way. In his e-mail where he described spending an inordinate time looking at you made me feel that he thinks of you more as a shiny new possession than as a person. He meant it to sound romantic; to me it depersonalized you and sounded seriously obsessive.

For some reason, his e-mail to you really revved up my creep-o-meter. Usually when that happens to me it means that there are subtle notes and underpinnings in his words/actions that I can't initially put my finger on, but my inner voice is alerting me to take notice.

These days, I trust my inner voice. I believe your inner voice is alerting you to take notice, too, and that's why you joined this forum. Very smart move on your part.

I said it before and I'll say it again, this guy thinks he's smart and he went to great lengths to convince you of that in his e-mail, but you're definitely smarter than he is. That's why you're here asking questions.
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:04 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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pre incident indicators answered all yes to nearly everyone and my ex is now currantly with a 23 when hes 36 am horrified what ive read and continue to find out
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:57 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dallying402 View Post
This isn't the end of it... I know he is going to contact me more. I suspect he's going to try to bribe me by saying "oh look... i'm drinking even more now. See? You should have stayed with me. I wouldn't be like this."

You can set a filter so his emails go directly to trash. You don't have to read any texts he might send--delete works well. You don't have to answer the phone when he calls either.
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:08 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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yes, everything that has been said is right!! manipulation....20 years later for me and i'm finally leaving....don't wait, get out while you can...you are too young to give your life away to his problems and you will be fighting them from now on if you allow him to override your thinking. i have been where you are and gave in and lasted 20 years. now i'm 55 and starting all over again, finally realized that all my help means nothing and i gotta get out while i can and he has to fight his demons alone.
If Jack really loves you, he'll fight his demons without you get healthy and THEN come back to you with something positive to offer because love DOES wait if it is meant to be. you are a very wise young woman!
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:54 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Good heavens. It sounded like one of those ranting letters I'd get when I worked for a non profit serving clients in mental health facilities.

I was waiting for the part about the UFO's and CIA controlling his drinking. And as funny as that sounds, I am NOT joking. It really does. Rambling, not making sense.

He has some serious serious issues beyond drinking (which is in and of itself serious).

You did the right thing. He is a mess.
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:28 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Heck, I was expecting to see a Court Stamp and Seal, and Judge's signature at the bottom of that erudite epistle. OK, so he's 36 and a lawyer....who has a drink problem, (among a few others I feel).
He can put big words down on paper, and as in lots of legal documents, you need a lawyer to interpret legal gibberish.

WHERE IS NAIVE?????

I wonder which BAR he will be practising in 10 years from now. If he is then still doing law, I bet he has a very small workload and is nothing like the man he is now.

As someone who married a man 18 years older than me, trust me there are areas that show up the age difference even among good marriages, but when drink is involved it gets downright ugly.

Get your running shoes ready, and look carefully around you when you go out, because I do not believe he met you "by accident" at a bookstore., and I see more surprise meetings ahead.

Listen to the ideas of posters here, Lord knows they have seen just about all there is in the Addict's Arsenal of Tricky Moves and Almost Believable Stories.
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:19 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Wow,

Lots of wisdom in these posts.

Dallying, you are very mature for a 21-y/o. I wouldn't call every 36 y/o man who dates a 21 y/o a predator, but this guy's behavior and email scream that he is looking for someone to possess. You could take alcohol out of the equation entirely and the red flags are still there.

If I were you (and I'm not), I would just break it off entirely with this guy. Don't even make the alcohol an issue. Even if he quit drinking the rest of the stuff makes him a very, very bad risk as an abuser. BTW, you only have his word that the only violence in prior relationships was with him as the victim.
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:39 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Jadmack, perhaps this is the drunk lawyer someone's AH consulted (sorry i don't remember who)



Welcome Dallying.
It sucks and its very sad. Its baffling.
But, you don't get the "good man" only, it comes with Mr Hyde. And that Mr Hyde is not acceptable plain and simple.

I broke up with an ex like that, 2 years ago. You know what he said to me last time I tried to "land the plane gracefully"? "I will keep drinking until the last day of my life".

And 2 years ago that is exactly what he has done, and continues to do.

Alcoholics can manage to keep a job........ now, can manage to do sports......... now, can manage to appear normal.... now. (Well after that email he doesn't appear healthy to me anymore)

Here you learn there is progression, and consequences always catch up with them (just like with anyone).

Depending on what you do or do not do now, you will also get consequences. Please be careful.


Also i believe they show a really nice self-or try-, so you are hooked to that and think twice before leaving. This supports their addiction.





Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.


Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Being sorry is not enough.

You know what, i have received apologies, and have thought about me: I DON'T usually need to apologize, because I know what respect means. And when I have to apologize its not that often.

Someone is apologizing over and over? RED FLAG.

Where is your dad , if you don't mind me asking. ? Have you talked to your family about this guy?
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:08 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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How are you today Dallying?
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:27 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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The more I read this thread and the more I see folks pick apart the creepy parts of the lawyer's e-mail, the more convinced I'm becoming that this man is a probably a stalker, and if my suspicions are correct, knowledge of the proper and safe way to break all contact with a stalker permanently will be invaluable. Please pick up a copy of Gavin DeBecker's book, The Gift of Fear, and read up on stalking behavior and how to put a safe end to it. That way, you can judge for yourself what's truly going on here.
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Old 10-04-2010, 09:26 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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FormerDoormat, I also have that creepy feeling you have, and agree with you.

Dallying, plaese be aware and careful, and if you feel the need....call the cops.
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Old 10-06-2010, 08:46 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Update on Jack

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
How are you today Dallying?
Thanks for asking nodaybut2day!

***UPDATE ON JACK*****My bipolar sister was recently admitted into a hospital for a manic (high euphoric) episode. She wanted to see Jack so he accompanied me. That was a major help from him. Jack was also very shaken up from the visit.

I got really sick that night and he pretty much decided to think it was all in my head (after seeing my sister). I ended up taking myself to the hospital while he got ready for work. It was very important for him to be on time because his managers already warnedhttp://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/customMenu/step_right.jpg him if he has another unexcused absence, he will be fired. That day, he started calling me to apologize for how he acted because he wasn't thinking clearly. I told him via text:

"I don't care if you broke your leg or you lost your job. I don't want to be around anyone who reacts this way under any kind of stress. Just leave me alone."

The next day, while I was visiting my sister at the hosp, he called me and told me he didn't break his leg but HE WAS FIRED. He lost his job of 6 years... We officially severed our relationship (hopefully) that night.

I feel really bad for the Jack. He must be really depressed right now. I still care for him and I am hoping to be there for him as a friend. Is this a good idea? How should I go about doing this?

My friend tells me everyone will have their own problems entering a relationship. The decision is how I deal with them.

For those wondering about my parents, they don't really take care of me anymore. :-/ I've been on my own since I graduated from HS and moved to NYC for college.
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Old 10-06-2010, 08:56 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Um,

I think we already expressed our fear that this guy may be a stalker/abuser. I don't know why you would want to be friends with him.

He's a grownup, he will find another job. If you "stay friends" you can bet he will have something else in mind, and try to manipulate you back into a relationship.

Seriously, the guy creeps me out just hearing about him.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:07 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Dallying,

You are very smart, intelligent, independent, educated, young and got everything going on for you- you already got a job lined up - you should be enjoying your last months of being a student !!

Please listen to all the voices around here- these are very wise people. You deserve someone who enhances your life and makes you smile, not worry, or suffer in any way.
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Old 10-07-2010, 06:14 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Dallying,
Jack is simply living the consequences that his alcoholic behavior has brought upon him.
He did this. And if he continues to drink, it's clear he is taking no responsiblity for it.
Look ahead to your bright, happy future. You deserve to be happy. Take care of you. He is a big boy, and staying friends with him will not help him at all. Sometimes the most loving thing that we can do is walk away.
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Old 10-07-2010, 06:21 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
Jack is simply living the consequences that his alcoholic behavior has brought upon him.
He did this.
Seekingcalm is bang on. By trying to protect him from the consequences of his own actions--or by trying to "cushion the fall", you'd be robbing him of the dignity of finally finding his bottom.

Let him taste what a real consequence is like. He's a big boy and it's time he learned about this.

I STRONGLY urge you to cut all ties--romantic, friendly, sexual--with this person. I was married to someone just like him (albeit Jack has better grammar than my XAH), and you need to slam the door in their face *hard* for them to understand that you refuse to be part of their games.

Dallying, you seem to have so much going for you; you're intelligent, kind-hearted, and if that avatar is a pic of you, you're HAWT. Do yourself a favour and stay away from Jack.

Keep posting on SR instead. It's a real party in here

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Old 10-07-2010, 07:01 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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I read this entire thread. Jack also exhibits signs and symptoms of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has a lot to work on. But this is his work, Dallying, and not yours or anyone else's. Perhaps now that he is job-free, he can pursue his resources.

As for you, when you went through the checklist in an earlier post, you marked #20 as a "no". I think, after the bookstore incident, that answer is a resounding "YES". He most definitely followed you and watched you for some time.

There's a fictional author I read quite often who says, "There are no coincidences" and in this case, I think this is Shoutingly true. Manhatten is an awfully large place with lots of people, and if Jack really had a job and was working on his own recovery, how in the world would he have been in the exact same place at the exact same time? Did he even buy a book that day?

My point is, don't make this your blind spot. Go with the assumption that he is stalking you, and live more carefully. He is a time bomb, even without an active addiction. Plus, now that he doesn' t have a job, he has more time on his hands.

Be careful.

As far as his previous email to you, the only thing I kept thinking was, "He Doth Protesteth too much".

Oh, and did I already say "Be Careful"? Yes, please do.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:21 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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I would go total no contact with this person. Read all your old threads and read what everyone here has told you from their experience. We have been there....done that. In hindsight my XAH had more problems than I realized while I was with him; porn addiction, abuser,and psychopath. My life is now so much better with no contact. Why take the chance of more drama and chaos. If he is unemployed are you ready to have him on your couch and feed him? Yuck.
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Old 10-07-2010, 03:12 PM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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It's obvious to me that he doesn't want to be "just friends." This puts the whole concept of being his friend in a precarious spot. And, I must say that in all my 48 years, I have never successfully managed to "remain" friends with someone I had a romantic relationship with. I have reconnected, after a period of time, and became friends with a couple old flames, but never made the transition straight from lover to friend. I especially cannot see it happening with someone who doesn't want to break up in the first place.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want this man in your life or not. If not, then let him go--completely. There is no rule that you could not get back together at some point in the future, IF he manages to sort himself out. But, that's a BIG IF.

L
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