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falling off that ol' wagon

Old 09-30-2010, 02:30 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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*HUGS* to you for having to deal with this uncertainty and stress.

I remember going to sleep in DD's room with her, and when we were alone in the apartment, I'd move the dresser in front of the door, because I didn't want XAH (or someone else) stumbling in and scaring the crap out of me. It was no way to live or to get any decent sleep.
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Old 09-30-2010, 04:29 PM
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hello akrasia-

what is it you want? that's what my therapist keeps asking me?

go back to little miss akrasia...i know little miss naive wasn't getting her emotional needs met. it's all the way in the deep recesses of our subconscious that we need to pull the weed out from it's roots.

naive xx
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Old 09-30-2010, 04:48 PM
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I dunno about anyone else...but I would have (I know because I have!) gone on that little holiday alone.
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Old 10-01-2010, 01:40 PM
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Thanks everyone.

So I was trying to get on with things and not worry about Mr. Runaway.

Typically when he's gone off on one of these benders he'll go to a hotel in [nearest big city] and I'll get a call from him saying where he is. Maybe asking me to cancel his bridge game or whatever. Usually castigating me for making him drink.

But still today no call. So reluctantly I had a quick look and his toothbrush is still here, his heart medications, his razor, his umbrella. His phone. It looks like he just put on his shoes and wandered out the door.

I looked at our bank account and there's a rather large cash withdrawal from this morning, made from [large faraway city with harbor].

I didn't want to make a police report, because in the past he's always been able to look after himself and he's always come home. But then I thought--just in the off chance something did go wrong I would never forgive myself if I didn't make a report.

So the police are sending a person round tonight to take a report.
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Old 10-01-2010, 01:49 PM
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Likely just the downward spiral of alcoholism akrasia, but it's good to cover all bases too.

Hang in there.
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:25 AM
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So this is the first time he's ever been gone this long, and the first time he's not called, and the longest he's gone without taking his heart medication since his heart attack.

A police man came over this morning and searched the house, took a report. He said that he was classifying it as a high-risk missing person, because of the medical issues.

I've gotta go because I've got that appointment to look at an apartment. This really sucks.

I wouldn't mind some positive vibes.
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:51 AM
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Do you believe in a higher power? Because you can let go of the outcome of this scenario and allow your higher power to take over.
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:51 AM
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hi akrasia-

the first step of alanon is to surrender to the fact that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.

i know by the time i arrived here at SR, i was ready to surrender and accept my powerlessness. i had tried everything by this point and the situations i was embroiled in just kept getting more and more dangerous and tragic.

i'll second learn2live's post...try turning it over to your HP and letting go.

and, try to be gentle with yourself. treat yourself to something today...a movie? a nice meal out with a friend? a long hot soak in the bath?

whatever happens, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. alcoholism is an awful disease. i'm so glad you're making some moves to help yourself.

((akrasia))

naive
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:00 AM
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I worried myself into angina and finally a heart attack over the A who did whatever and didn't have a care in the world. Sure he may be in some strife, and he could be enjoying spending that money, meanwhile you are the one who is left in the dark.

He may not be best pleased if he is suddenly snaffled by the police, but hey, what else could you do if he just pulls a disappearing stunt and no heart medication.

I hope he comes home to a rousing reception, that you can then cease wondering if he's ok, and get yourself right in to the necessary bits and pieces of getting your own place at last.


God bless
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:07 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I just put a down-payment on my new apartment. It's nice.

You know that movie The Man Who Fell to Earth? David Bowie plays the eponymous alien--stumbling around on earth, gawping at everything, trying to pass as human. That's how I feel today.

Still no sign of Mr. The police man was nice this morning.

Thanks for the messages.
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:31 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I hope you go through with the apartment. I know it is very hard to do what you feel is turning your back on someone you love and care about, but I have gotten to the point where I finally realize it is my job to protect myself from toxic people who continually bring chaos, confusion, and pain into my life.
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:20 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I hope they find him akrasia, or that he comes home.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Do you believe in a higher power? Because you can let go of the outcome of this scenario and allow your higher power to take over.
You can also remember that your husband has his OWN higher power to look out for him. Hopefully he is safe, but there is nothing that your worrying yourself sick will do to help. Alcoholics make these kinds of dramatic gestures counting on the fact that we will worry.

Good luck with the apartment hunting!
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:41 AM
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Thanks so much everyone.

So the helpful police man who was here this AM has been in touch. I'd given him bank card details and he was able to determine that they were hotel charges in [large port city]--it's funny, the way the electronic payments are set up, we don't know which hotel it actually is, it just reads [city] Hotel Group. The bank says they'll be able to access which hotel it is on Monday.

Anyway, it's clear that Mr. been paying for hotel and food and drink--it doesn't look like someone stole his card or anything like that. So apart from having no heart medication, it seems he's safe.

Here's something funny--I just got off the phone with the police man and he was like, "Actually I think I can narrow it down and find which hotel he's in tonight--and then I'll call you back."

I thanked him and got off the phone, and then I thought: Hold on. Why? My purpose in making a report was just to ensure he wasn't in peril somewhere. Why do I need to know what hotel he's in? I suppose if the police know there's a health risk, they might want to go check on him, that's up to their judgement.

So I need to just let this go. If he's determined to drink himself to death, that's what he'll do.

I'm sick of him acting like a lost lamb, wandering out to edge of a cliff, making us all risk life and limb to save him.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:44 AM
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So sad akrasia. I think to myself, that all they have to do, is just put the bottle down. That's all.

But, they won't.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:50 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thanks.

I know! It's like, "What's the great secret for weight loss?" "Eat less and move more!"

How do you stop drinking? Hmm...
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Old 10-02-2010, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
Thanks.

I know! It's like, "What's the great secret for weight loss?" "Eat less and move more!"

How do you stop drinking? Hmm...
You refrain from taking the next drink. Simple.

And literally millions have done exactly that. Your AH isn't unique, nor is mine. But mine sure did tell me over and over again that he was. He simply could not get through the day without the alcohol, it was just too physically painful. Poor baby.

We have many many examples of "just not taking the next drink" ers right here on SR. It's the only way, and it's completely and easily done.

Just don't take that next drink!
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Old 10-02-2010, 10:17 AM
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Back about a month ago, we were having a talk about alcohol. He said he was glad to be sobering up but he wanted to drink socially someday in the future.

We were having a gentle talk, not an argument, but I did say: "Yeah, but then if you know that alcohol likes to get its claws in you, why not just avoid the whole thing and have juice or a Coke? You can be the guy who drinks Coke, that can be your thing."

He sort of got annoyed and said, "See, you're trying to woo me into your way of thinking..."

"But why is that so unthinkable? You don't like Coke? Have Sprite or something."

He said, "I'd feel defeated."

"Who's defeating whom?"

But then we were both getting antsy so we decided to change the subject.

Back when husband was with his old partner, she had a breakdown and started having psychotic paranoid thoughts. It was partly a reaction to a terrible job situation. She was convinced he was the only one she could trust; she stayed in a hospital for a while. He was really supportive of her (didn't have his drinking problem then) but he's confessed that it was really hard on him--it was like his best friend got possessed by aliens. He felt really lonely.

She got better with meds and counselling--they stayed together for many years afterwards. We're both chums with her now, she's doing great.

I feel the same way about husband now. Like alcohol is some parasite taking him over.

I've read a lot about the idea of detachment as described here. I rather think it's a natural process; I think a few months ago I felt that hairline fracture of "Hm, nothing I do or don't do seems to make a difference here." And once the detachment starts the seam grows deeper day by day. It used to come naturally to beg and plead for him to stop drinking. Now--I could do it, but I'd have to psych myself into it. If I wanted to, I might drive to [port city] now, search for him, then throw him over my shoulder and take him home and there would be swamps of tears and love. And then the same thing would happen next week.

Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone would be able to get through all the preceding but it helps to share.

Hugs.
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:10 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Parasite, yes. It turns them into Zombies of their former selves.

The problem is, for me, that I consistently allowed the alcohol to take the blame for his abuse. And, I continued to take the blame also (in my mind and of course in his) for the problems in the home/marriage.

I'm far enough in my recovery to now be able to say: I did everything I possibly could do. I am not to blame for his insanity, I am not to blame for his abuse of me and my daughter. He is. Totally. Not the alcohol, not the brain damage brought about due to his drinking (that doesn't exist according to him), but him.

He chose to destroy himself with alcohol. He chose to abuse me. He chose to be a complete and utter scum. I chose to stay in that situation for far too long. But, the abuse is all on him.

While I agree with detachment, I don't agree with plan-less detachment. Detach so that I can get my head screwed on straight and form a plan to get out? Heck yeah. Detach and continue to live with an insane drunk who can't love anyone much less themselves? Not a chance. But it takes time to get to this point, it doesn't happen overnight.

How can we be expected to continue to love a Zombie? A self destructive and dangerous (to us and themselves) being? We can't.
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:42 PM
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akrasia-

that's great news about your flat. when can you move in?

is there any need to protect your common assets, like bank accounts, car insurance, visa cards?

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