Do You Even Know If or When You Are Being Abused?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
I was raised under the "children are seen and not heard" philosophy which, at the very least, diminishes a kid. I often heard "who do you think you are?" As I began liking boys, I frequently heard "you mean nothing to him." I was criticized for asking too many questions. To me this was not abuse, this was normal.
No surprise when I became romantically entangled with a man whose philosophy was "deny, deny, deny" who used profanity, yelled, gaslighted and otherwise abused and diminished me. Initially, I'd find excuses to justify his "bad moods." Not realizing that "if you close the door on reality, it comes in through the window," I believed the stories he concocted to explain why I wasn't seeing what I saw.
I knew something was very wrong, the day I felt the urge to hit him when he angrily responded to a silly joke with F*#* You! Here I realized that I needed to get away, because even the thought of physically hurting someone, in no way represented the person I am.
I'm still new to this and I must say that I have to think hard to identify mistreatment by others. The good news, is that since I've been NC for a few months now, there's not that much to think about.
Writing this made me sad.
No surprise when I became romantically entangled with a man whose philosophy was "deny, deny, deny" who used profanity, yelled, gaslighted and otherwise abused and diminished me. Initially, I'd find excuses to justify his "bad moods." Not realizing that "if you close the door on reality, it comes in through the window," I believed the stories he concocted to explain why I wasn't seeing what I saw.
I knew something was very wrong, the day I felt the urge to hit him when he angrily responded to a silly joke with F*#* You! Here I realized that I needed to get away, because even the thought of physically hurting someone, in no way represented the person I am.
I'm still new to this and I must say that I have to think hard to identify mistreatment by others. The good news, is that since I've been NC for a few months now, there's not that much to think about.
Writing this made me sad.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jenny, that sounds like judgment. I recognized recently that I have for a long tme judged people in order to get away from them. I used it to get out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic addict. It worked. Years later I realized I used judgment in an unhealthy way. I try to practice detaching with love now, and focus specifically on not judging others. It's hard, I admit. I'm finding that using discernment early on is easier than detachment later on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Why do you think it made you sad Tatliguzilem?
Documenting my thoughts makes my life real and not always pretty. I'm very sad at my failure to create a happy life for myself. Thanks for asking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
this post really hits hard for me! I actually can see myself on both sides of the abuse scale. I see myself being abused by AH and then i see my reactions as abusive because i have yelled and screamed and sworn and called him names and done all the things that i just hate being done to me. He pushed my buttons and i took the bait! I hate the dance and look very forward to sitting it out, once i am moved out of here.
Yesterday was a perfect example of the "switch" and i recognized the nasty look in his eye and was too preoccupied with other things to protect myself and I got really angry for the first time in several weeks. I did apologize for my behavior, but i see now that I was a perfect target...from the very beginning. ripe to take abuse and then be set off to give it back so i felt responsible and had to stay to keep "behaving" because after each incident i believed that if i was just better, he would be better too!! it is a sick cycle i can't wait to shed. I don't like feeling sad and angry and attacked and always trying to defend myself because someone else is lashing out, changing for no reason.
sorry to ramble, but this is all too close to home for me and touches me in so many ways. I have alot of work to do to stop this cycle and take proper care of myself. I am basically happy and want to remain that way!!
Yesterday was a perfect example of the "switch" and i recognized the nasty look in his eye and was too preoccupied with other things to protect myself and I got really angry for the first time in several weeks. I did apologize for my behavior, but i see now that I was a perfect target...from the very beginning. ripe to take abuse and then be set off to give it back so i felt responsible and had to stay to keep "behaving" because after each incident i believed that if i was just better, he would be better too!! it is a sick cycle i can't wait to shed. I don't like feeling sad and angry and attacked and always trying to defend myself because someone else is lashing out, changing for no reason.
sorry to ramble, but this is all too close to home for me and touches me in so many ways. I have alot of work to do to stop this cycle and take proper care of myself. I am basically happy and want to remain that way!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
this thread has hit me quite hard i mean when i first joined i read up on verbal abuse and kinda thought yes hes doing that to me but then came the denial of course hes not doing this of course he doesnt tell me to f**k off at any given moment be it online or in person of course he didnt ever make me feel scared of the look in his eyes when he gets angry again.
And of course the name calling that of course your nice looking but my neighbour is gorgeous and id have her right now if not for her bf right in front of me.And the u have a large tummy but u could get rid of it with a bit of effort and bone condition that i make worse than it is cos really theres nothing what so ever wrong with me.It makes me so mad to see it written down all them things that i want to scream i think maybe the counselling is a good idea even though at times i feel ok like ive come out of it with no scars and then it hits me again so the answer i think is yes u know but i think you turn a blind eye to it and pretend to yourself its not there am now going to do more reading on verbal abuse
And of course the name calling that of course your nice looking but my neighbour is gorgeous and id have her right now if not for her bf right in front of me.And the u have a large tummy but u could get rid of it with a bit of effort and bone condition that i make worse than it is cos really theres nothing what so ever wrong with me.It makes me so mad to see it written down all them things that i want to scream i think maybe the counselling is a good idea even though at times i feel ok like ive come out of it with no scars and then it hits me again so the answer i think is yes u know but i think you turn a blind eye to it and pretend to yourself its not there am now going to do more reading on verbal abuse
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Was reading an artical on abuse and breaking patterns of choosing the wrong men.. this stuck out:
"You eventually feel like a guy doesn't love you unless he's either yelling in your face or trying to win you back," Dunn says.
It's soooo very true for me. If my 'guy' is not professing his undying love, or showing me extreme emotions I feel as if I am insignificant to him...
------
How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern
Even though you swear your exes are totally different, experts say most women have a relationship pattern they keep going back to. See how to break yours for a love that won't leave you hurting.
We were shocked when we heard that the first guy Rihanna seriously dated after Chris Brown had been accused of domestic abuse by an ex-girlfriend. After everything she went through, it would seem as if she'd be repulsed by men with that kind of reputation.
Turns out, the opposite is more likely to be true. "Most of us have a relationship pattern — that same type of guy we keep falling for — and it can work for or against us," says couples therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men. "It's not uncommon for women to keep going back to the type that wronged them in the past." How do you change whom you're drawn to dating? It's not easy, but it starts with figuring out where your attraction to these guys came from in the first place.
Family Ties
Experts say we develop our taste in men at a young age — anywhere from childhood to adolescence. "Whether it's positive or negative, everyone has a relationship pattern based on what they learned about love when they were growing up," says Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think.
Repeatedly choosing the wrong guys signals that you may be driven to re-create the drama you had with your father or first boyfriend. Many women who had an absentee dad or let the arrogant JV football captain string them along for years will go for men who are unavailable or talk down to them because they're subconsciously trying to resolve things with the guy who let them down earlier in life, says Dunn — even though, clearly, that's not solving anything.
Women in these toxic patterns get hooked on the ups and downs of their relationships and can form what experts call betrayal bonds, which cause them to feel even more attached to men who show them these extreme — and sometimes ultimately dangerous — forms of attention. "You eventually feel like a guy doesn't love you unless he's either yelling in your face or trying to win you back," Dunn says.
Break the Cycle
All guys have less-than-admirable moments, but there are major tip-offs that your type is bad for you. Consistently feeling worse about yourself as you become more involved with a boyfriend is a giveaway that something isn't right, says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days.
Other red flags: feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around a guy and dropping everything to spend time with him even though he's proven he wouldn't do the same for you. And while only you know what your relationships are really like, pay attention if your friends and family disapprove of every man you date, says Gratch.
To alter whom you're attracted to, you need to believe that what you've experienced isn't how love has to or should be, says Dunn. Ask friends who are happy in their relationships to describe how their guy behaves toward them so you can hear what you're missing out on. Or if you're coming off yet another bad breakup, consider seeing a therapist to make peace with the guy who originally wronged you, recommends Kirschner. For extra motivation, picture what your life could be like in 10 years if you're still choosing men who treat you badly versus men who will care for you in a positive way. Which future do you want?
How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern - MSN Relationships - article
"You eventually feel like a guy doesn't love you unless he's either yelling in your face or trying to win you back," Dunn says.
It's soooo very true for me. If my 'guy' is not professing his undying love, or showing me extreme emotions I feel as if I am insignificant to him...
------
How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern
Even though you swear your exes are totally different, experts say most women have a relationship pattern they keep going back to. See how to break yours for a love that won't leave you hurting.
We were shocked when we heard that the first guy Rihanna seriously dated after Chris Brown had been accused of domestic abuse by an ex-girlfriend. After everything she went through, it would seem as if she'd be repulsed by men with that kind of reputation.
Turns out, the opposite is more likely to be true. "Most of us have a relationship pattern — that same type of guy we keep falling for — and it can work for or against us," says couples therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men. "It's not uncommon for women to keep going back to the type that wronged them in the past." How do you change whom you're drawn to dating? It's not easy, but it starts with figuring out where your attraction to these guys came from in the first place.
Family Ties
Experts say we develop our taste in men at a young age — anywhere from childhood to adolescence. "Whether it's positive or negative, everyone has a relationship pattern based on what they learned about love when they were growing up," says Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think.
Repeatedly choosing the wrong guys signals that you may be driven to re-create the drama you had with your father or first boyfriend. Many women who had an absentee dad or let the arrogant JV football captain string them along for years will go for men who are unavailable or talk down to them because they're subconsciously trying to resolve things with the guy who let them down earlier in life, says Dunn — even though, clearly, that's not solving anything.
Women in these toxic patterns get hooked on the ups and downs of their relationships and can form what experts call betrayal bonds, which cause them to feel even more attached to men who show them these extreme — and sometimes ultimately dangerous — forms of attention. "You eventually feel like a guy doesn't love you unless he's either yelling in your face or trying to win you back," Dunn says.
Break the Cycle
All guys have less-than-admirable moments, but there are major tip-offs that your type is bad for you. Consistently feeling worse about yourself as you become more involved with a boyfriend is a giveaway that something isn't right, says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days.
Other red flags: feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around a guy and dropping everything to spend time with him even though he's proven he wouldn't do the same for you. And while only you know what your relationships are really like, pay attention if your friends and family disapprove of every man you date, says Gratch.
To alter whom you're attracted to, you need to believe that what you've experienced isn't how love has to or should be, says Dunn. Ask friends who are happy in their relationships to describe how their guy behaves toward them so you can hear what you're missing out on. Or if you're coming off yet another bad breakup, consider seeing a therapist to make peace with the guy who originally wronged you, recommends Kirschner. For extra motivation, picture what your life could be like in 10 years if you're still choosing men who treat you badly versus men who will care for you in a positive way. Which future do you want?
How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern - MSN Relationships - article
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by kia
this thread has hit me quite hard i mean when i first joined i read up on verbal abuse and kinda thought yes hes doing that to me but then came the denial of course hes not doing this of course he doesnt tell me to f**k off at any given moment be it online or in person of course he didnt ever make me feel scared of the look in his eyes when he gets angry again.
And of course the name calling that of course your nice looking but my neighbour is gorgeous and id have her right now if not for her bf right in front of me.And the u have a large tummy but u could get rid of it with a bit of effort and bone condition that i make worse than it is cos really theres nothing what so ever wrong with me.It makes me so mad to see it written down all them things that i want to scream i think maybe the counselling is a good idea even though at times i feel ok like ive come out of it with no scars and then it hits me again so the answer i think is yes u know but i think you turn a blind eye to it and pretend to yourself its not there am now going to do more reading on verbal abuse
And of course the name calling that of course your nice looking but my neighbour is gorgeous and id have her right now if not for her bf right in front of me.And the u have a large tummy but u could get rid of it with a bit of effort and bone condition that i make worse than it is cos really theres nothing what so ever wrong with me.It makes me so mad to see it written down all them things that i want to scream i think maybe the counselling is a good idea even though at times i feel ok like ive come out of it with no scars and then it hits me again so the answer i think is yes u know but i think you turn a blind eye to it and pretend to yourself its not there am now going to do more reading on verbal abuse
For whatever reason, I would get myself in relationships and after the happy first 6 months were over, I spent the remaining year and a half to two years bitching and complaining and pointing out to the person everything that was wrong with them and what they needed to fix in order to be with me. What I failed to realize was that I was being abusive and toxic, that I wasn't taking care of myself, that my expectations of the other person were way too high, that I needed too much, good lord I could go on and on. I am so glad I stopped all that.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by missphit
this post really hits hard for me! I actually can see myself on both sides of the abuse scale. I see myself being abused by AH and then i see my reactions as abusive because i have yelled and screamed and sworn and called him names and done all the things that i just hate being done to me. He pushed my buttons and i took the bait! I hate the dance and look very forward to sitting it out, once i am moved out of here.
Yesterday was a perfect example of the "switch" and i recognized the nasty look in his eye and was too preoccupied with other things to protect myself and I got really angry for the first time in several weeks. I did apologize for my behavior, but i see now that I was a perfect target...from the very beginning. ripe to take abuse and then be set off to give it back so i felt responsible and had to stay to keep "behaving" because after each incident i believed that if i was just better, he would be better too!! it is a sick cycle i can't wait to shed. I don't like feeling sad and angry and attacked and always trying to defend myself because someone else is lashing out, changing for no reason.
sorry to ramble, but this is all too close to home for me and touches me in so many ways. I have alot of work to do to stop this cycle and take proper care of myself. I am basically happy and want to remain that way!!
Yesterday was a perfect example of the "switch" and i recognized the nasty look in his eye and was too preoccupied with other things to protect myself and I got really angry for the first time in several weeks. I did apologize for my behavior, but i see now that I was a perfect target...from the very beginning. ripe to take abuse and then be set off to give it back so i felt responsible and had to stay to keep "behaving" because after each incident i believed that if i was just better, he would be better too!! it is a sick cycle i can't wait to shed. I don't like feeling sad and angry and attacked and always trying to defend myself because someone else is lashing out, changing for no reason.
sorry to ramble, but this is all too close to home for me and touches me in so many ways. I have alot of work to do to stop this cycle and take proper care of myself. I am basically happy and want to remain that way!!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by TatliGuzelim
Documenting my thoughts makes my life real and not always pretty. I'm very sad at my failure to create a happy life for myself. Thanks for asking.
Please don't think of yourself as a failure. You can STILL create a happy life for yourself.
I hope you don't let yourself stay in the sadness for too long. Put a limit to it, with a day and time.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jenny, thanks for sharing the article. I prefer not to keep blaming my Dad for everything that might be "wrong" with me and my life though. OK, yes, he was an alcoholic and neglectful and it was a horrible upbringing and all that but at what point do I take responsibility for my own feelings and my own behavior and my own choices and stop blaming everyone and everything else? At what point do we become responsible for thinking for ourselves? I have had to give myself permission to take care of me, permission to make 100% of the decisions in my life. Dad's got enough problems of his own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Kia, that definitely sounds like abuse to me. It is very unhealthy to allow these kinds of people into our lives. Anyone who tells you all the things that are wrong with you is sick. At the same time though, I have to be honest and say that I have done this exact thing to others in my past. But I felt justified in it because I was right and what the other person was doing was hurtful to me! And so many others AGREED with me!
For whatever reason, I would get myself in relationships and after the happy first 6 months were over, I spent the remaining year and a half to two years bitching and complaining and pointing out to the person everything that was wrong with them and what they needed to fix in order to be with me. What I failed to realize was that I was being abusive and toxic, that I wasn't taking care of myself, that my expectations of the other person were way too high, that I needed too much, good lord I could go on and on. I am so glad I stopped all that.
For whatever reason, I would get myself in relationships and after the happy first 6 months were over, I spent the remaining year and a half to two years bitching and complaining and pointing out to the person everything that was wrong with them and what they needed to fix in order to be with me. What I failed to realize was that I was being abusive and toxic, that I wasn't taking care of myself, that my expectations of the other person were way too high, that I needed too much, good lord I could go on and on. I am so glad I stopped all that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
There was no evidence of abuse when I was dating XAH but a couple of years into the marriage he started little putdowns especially when drunk. It progressed to him doing it in front of friends. It was like being pecked to death. He was a thrower (things and a breaker). He loved throwing things off the deck.....SR educated me too. He wasn't as bad as my Dad (physical) but it was abuse. He was jealous for no reason. He isolated me. He wanted me home so I could drive him (he lost his liscence). My therapist said my integrity got me out.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You're not hijacking.
I always thought the other person was WRONG and it was obvious to me they were wrong. And all my friends and other rational, sane people all said the other person was wrong too! I totally relate to what you are saying.
I too began to see where I was wrong, little by little, and learned to promptly admit it and try to make amends. But when the other person is still sick and not working a program too, they just shake their head "Yes" and let you take the blame. In their mind you are ALWAYS wrong. It has to be that way so they can be RIGHT and continue to drink and drug and have sex with other people and all that.
What I've learned the last couple years is that there really is no Right and no Wrong (other than morality). And I leave the moral versus immoral behavior between the other person and THEIR Higher Power. Letting go of the question of whether or not my BF is right or wrong frees me up completely to just decide whether or not I WANT that kind of person in my life. Minding my own business in this way brings me peace and serenity.
I always thought the other person was WRONG and it was obvious to me they were wrong. And all my friends and other rational, sane people all said the other person was wrong too! I totally relate to what you are saying.
I too began to see where I was wrong, little by little, and learned to promptly admit it and try to make amends. But when the other person is still sick and not working a program too, they just shake their head "Yes" and let you take the blame. In their mind you are ALWAYS wrong. It has to be that way so they can be RIGHT and continue to drink and drug and have sex with other people and all that.
What I've learned the last couple years is that there really is no Right and no Wrong (other than morality). And I leave the moral versus immoral behavior between the other person and THEIR Higher Power. Letting go of the question of whether or not my BF is right or wrong frees me up completely to just decide whether or not I WANT that kind of person in my life. Minding my own business in this way brings me peace and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Carol Star
There was no evidence of abuse when I was dating XAH but a couple of years into the marriage he started little putdowns especially when drunk. It progressed to him doing it in front of friends. It was like being pecked to death. He was a thrower (things and a breaker). He loved throwing things off the deck.....SR educated me too. He wasn't as bad as my Dad (physical) but it was abuse. He was jealous for no reason. He isolated me. He wanted me home so I could drive him (he lost his liscence). My therapist said my integrity got me out.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Carol Star
There was no evidence of abuse when I was dating XAH but a couple of years into the marriage he started little putdowns especially when drunk. It progressed to him doing it in front of friends. It was like being pecked to death. He was a thrower (things and a breaker). He loved throwing things off the deck.....SR educated me too. He wasn't as bad as my Dad (physical) but it was abuse. He was jealous for no reason. He isolated me. He wanted me home so I could drive him (he lost his liscence). My therapist said my integrity got me out.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by kia
yep he did this too called me his "friend" when we were with his friends knowing full well i didnt like that then at top of his lungs he says oh look at the legs on that id give her one in front of everyone i was mortified and they didnt know whether to laugh or ignore it only one who was amused was himxx
I like what CarolStar said about what her therapist said about her integrity getting her out. I learned about integrity last year or the year before and it was helpful. Integrity apparently is tied to your Higher Power also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Jenny, thanks for sharing the article. I prefer not to keep blaming my Dad for everything that might be "wrong" with me and my life though. OK, yes, he was an alcoholic and neglectful and it was a horrible upbringing and all that but at what point do I take responsibility for my own feelings and my own behavior and my own choices and stop blaming everyone and everything else? At what point do we become responsible for thinking for ourselves? I have had to give myself permission to take care of me, permission to make 100% of the decisions in my life. Dad's got enough problems of his own.
I just thought it was an interesting realization that I now associate screaming, anger and strong emotions with "love".... when it's really power/control. Something I need to work on...
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There ARE men who are not abusive. Who are sweet, kind and caring. I just needed to calm myself down enough to notice and appreciate the kind of man who is that way consistently.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
