endzoner

hey all , Im seekin a lil imput on something , I have a friend whos in a really bad place with a addict/alki ..
No pc so she cant get on here ,
Not a alanon meeting near us .
Im a recovering alki as some of you know me from other areas in SR
Question is , How does one go abouts other then support and suggestions to help someone like her . Ive done all I feel I can do , but its outta my control I know that , but she continues to allow this horrible artwork to re-enter her walls . Were friends I wouldnt say best friends cuz were not , but when we communicate its all about the snap hes pulled or what going on . I guess I need to place boundries maybe on having her share them ? I dont wanna be heartless and its in my nature to wanna help . but it kills me that shes not using the advice myself and many others have suggested to her . Any advice ?

thanks for reading huggles Endzy

Pelican

Hey Endzy!

Yep, the part that is highlighted is the part you can control in this relationship. In Alanon and codependent terms we call it detaching (with love). It is not cruel and heartless, but with compassion and mindfulness we step away and allow others to take care of themselves.

Is your friend asking for advise? Is your friend just looking for a sounding board?
In either case, you do not have to be the rescuer.

I have used self-improvement books, and some counseling with a social worker (friend) to assist me with my recovery. Books are available for free at the library and some folks qualify for counseling through social services.

Pelican

This is from one of the stickies here in F&F. I was the OP (original poster). It is from one of my daily readings and it was a wake-up call to me!

Sometimes I think I am not being heard, therefore, I need to say it louder, slower, spelled out in simpler terms, say it more often, etc......

Truth is, people will hear when they are ready to hear.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-words.html

endzoner

Im thinkin both maybe more of a sounding board , see her other half lives next door to me .I have few " friends " as were in the middle of no wheres . and so it makes it tuff in a silly greedy way .
part of me says boundries and detachment as you said , and other parts of me say . but its nice to be able to have someone to talk to , but then most the time its always about whats going on with her and him . I guess I need to just stay outta it . its hard I guess I am some what of a codie , trying to fix or help .. But again thats what I do here for so many . But not used to it being in my own back door . thanks fir the advice

endzoner

thanks I see the lightbulb definatly !

coyote21

Our neighborhood library has computer access for free.

It's hard to fight the will to rescue a damsel in distress. Got me married 3 times.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Still Waters

"You are not stuck, there are options"

"You will do what you need to do when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving"

Then I'd leave it be.

bookwyrm

oooh, asking a forum full of codies for help.....I just can't resist....

I recommend 'Codependent No More' (for both of you!) by Melody Beattie - a book that changed my life and gave me practical tools for living with an alcoholic.

I will now go back to keepin' my side of the street clean...

Kassie2

I go both ways most of the time when it comes to listening to people who don't seem to be listening or hearing or changing. I also listen all day to people and experience a lot of this which seems ok most of the time - and when I am at home I am here and sometimes I can be there for people and sometimes not. It is the same with my estranged AH - there are times I just want to let go and other times I wonder if he doesn't deserve someone to care and hang around - tough call.

I suggest setting limits when you need to and one nice way is to ask questions in a different direction or to suggest going out to do something that will change the subject. Being honest is good too.

I would also suggest books maybe even purchase it as a gift for her - order on line and mail directly to her, hopefully the libraries out there have computers so she can come here or attend alanon meetings on line. Do you have time to take her to meetings wherever? or could someone from the next town come get her for a meeting? When I lived in the midwest - the AA and alanon phone line for meetings included a list of people who would transport people to a meeting.

sesh

I strongly believe what goes for A goes the same for their NA partners: You can't help them until they really decide to help themselves, take action and start moving.

It seems your friend is not there yet for whatever reason. I think the most common reason that keeps NA partners stuck is ingnorance.

The best your friend can do for herself right now is start larning about the disease of alcoholism and the way it affects other people. Trully understanding our own story is not so unique can be a great motivator.
There are different ways to get hold of literature re: alcoholism.
SR is tremendous source of knowledge and wisdom. I second coyote's advice for her to use library computers.

endzoner

I appreciate everyones help and insite on this .

Here in this lil town , we dont have a pubilc library ( which i do miss myself ) we have the school library which the school its self is not a large place , but anyways its not open to public . She wouldnt know how to use a PC anyways .
But ive come to a decission , being hes been over there every nite staying , which erks me . but its NOT for me to control .. Ive said it many times to her , It will be over when you say its over , I just dont think shes completly ready to grow the pair as she says and do whats right , Sesh so said it right on in my eyes . But Im just not gonna share in conversation on this topic , Its her choice , If it comes up ill simple say the same thing .. Enuff will be Enuff when you say its enuff ... I gotta admit it kills me to see and know whats going on , so im just gonna stay in my yard and rake up my own leaves .. Thanks for all your advices huggles Endzy