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I'm in shock

Old 09-27-2010, 07:47 PM
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I'm in shock

My dad just called me to tell me that he got a text message from my AH it said, "I might have cancer. Fyi."

WTF!!! First of all I can't believe he sent that text, that's the reason I blocked his text messages to start with. Can't you pick up the phone??

Second could it be true? What do I do, part of me wants to break NC and call him. But another part of me thinks that it maybe it's not such a good idea and I should wait for him to call me. I feel like it's a game of cat and mouse and he's just dangling the biggest most juiciest mouse ever in front of my face.

Call his mom?
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:58 PM
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Hmmmm.....that's a tough one, BG. Remember that "might" is not the same as "definitely". Maybe wait it out until things are more clear? I would think....if he does indeed have cancer, his parents might contact you....maybe wait it out. It seems like you already sense contact would not be good for you. Hang in there.
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:07 PM
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Just got off the phone with my BF and apparently he sent her the same text.
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:22 PM
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Oh, please.

This is drama. IF he has cancer--actually HAS it, you will find out soon enough. It's not like your rushing over there or calling him would heal any tumors.

My guess is this is a test. Of your response time. I have this image of him sitting there by the phone with his watch, counting down how long it will take you to call him, text him, or rush over to see if he's OK.
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:26 PM
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Ok, so he is sending this text to everyone he knows will get the news back to you?

I hear bells going off with this. It sounds an awful lot like bating the hook to get you to bite and contact him out of deep concern. Entirely manipulative and self serving to his aggenda.

I fell for the medical revelation of mouth cancer when I threatened to leave my XABF years ago. It was a lie, but I stayed and cared for him long before I figured that out.

Does that mean your AH is not telling the truth, no, but it certainly is one potential motive behind this. I agree with waiting, staying no contact, and letting the truth bear out.

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Old 09-27-2010, 08:26 PM
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Right now it is a "might." Keep yourself in the present moment. Nothing you can do about a "might" so don't let your mind go there!
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:29 PM
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I'd be tempted to text him back saying "I have an allergy to dramaz".

*sorry, I'm in a mood tonight

He's digging, and in a totally pathetic way. Look at poor me, let me text everyone I know who will definitely contact HER who is supposed to be taking care of ME, cause it's all always all about me.

What a baby.

And frankly, he doesn't sound like a sober baby. Sober people don't send stupid woe is me texts to family members and friends of their estranged spouses.
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:30 PM
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This type of thing is not uncommon. They want to know that you will run to their side. If it turns out that he does have cancer, you will find out soon enough. Word has probably already gotten back to him that you know about his texts to your dad and your friend. Now, he's just waiting to see if you will contact him. Stay strong.
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Old 09-27-2010, 08:38 PM
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It seems to me that you being "in shock" is just the reaction he was going for. I hate to say it, but I've been around this board a long time and yours is not the first desperate alcoholic to play the "cancer card." Sad but true.

L
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:10 PM
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I also remember several reports of addicts playing the "cancer card" on this forum. Unless I heard it from a professional, I would discount it as a lie and a desperate attempt at manipulation.
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:14 PM
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Come to think of it, ANY of us "might" have cancer.

Gosh, he isn't lying! He just hasn't undergone a battery of tests on every system in his body to exclude the possibility of any form of malignancy.
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:18 PM
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He's always been the emotional manipulator, that has been the biggest struggle of our relationship all along. I find it so sad that the alcoholism has lead him to this "desperate" place. But I can feel in my bones that that is indeed what he's doing here, even though it's probably unconscious in his mind.

But still... to pull this when I watched my mom die of ovarian cancer less than two years ago feels like a stab in the back. Of course on the off chance that he does have it, I'll be in therapy for years trying to get over the guilt. Ha! who am I kidding, I'll be in therapy for years regardless!!!

Anyway, I plan on doing nothing for now. Tonight all I need to do to is go to sleep so I can deal with work tomorrow.

A big thanks to everyone for your perspectives, you never lead me astray. With each day that passes this board becomes more and more important to me.
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Old 09-27-2010, 10:10 PM
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My XAH had a malignant melanoma in 2006. Basically, skin cancer works like this--either it's caught in time, in which case it is completely treatable, or it doesn't, in which case, unfortunately, it's usually bad, bad news. His was found to not have spread, therefore, completely treatable. But he will still bring it up to this day, how he is a cancer survivor, how some of those "rogue cells" might have sprang up elsewhere. Which is true, I guess, but no more true of him than anyone else. He relished the attention. He still loves the phrase "cancer survivor". For a certain type of alcoholic, nothing is better in terms of playing the victim card.
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:12 AM
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I have to agree it looks like drama and attention seeking. There is a big difference between "might" and "do" have cancer.
Don't let yourself be blown about by everywind - especially when the wind is just hot air.

My advice - completely ignore it.
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:19 AM
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I hope you don't find this coldhearted but what if he really has cancer? What does that change, for you and your relationship?
The way I see it, even if it is true, I think the "normal" way to act upon it would be him contacting you or if you have blocked him contacting your F&F and telling them what is going on and saying he'd like to speak to you or something like that.
The way he is going about it is pure manipulation. He is sending these texts and wants you to go all uspet and rush to his aid. If he needs your help he can ask for it, no need to be sly about it, JMHO.
Also I'm thinking if he really though he does have cancer he'd be probably be too worried to play games.
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
From 8 Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. Itís hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Donít bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...n-control.html
Oh wow. My AH to a T!!!! I always wondered how he was going to have a worse menstrual cramp than mine!
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:14 AM
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If he really had cancer I doubt he would text it to everyone. But then again I don't know him and I always get surprised at what strange things other people do.

In the past two years I battled two different cancers. It's nothing to take lightly. It's scary as hell and a time for preparation for the treatment which is hell in its self.

If he went to the doctor thinking that maybe he has it, I'm sure there will be steps to examine him thoroughly before coming to the conclusion.
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Old 09-28-2010, 06:35 AM
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As has been seen, emotional manipulating A's will try anything, and to hell with hurting someone....as long as they get the pay off, who cares?
He knows how you must feel after losing your mum to cancer, and to use this way to get your attention is disgusting, cruel and frankly, deserves totally ignoring him.

Please feel no guilt for anything he does, and if he should be actually telling the truth, then still feel no guilt......because wanting to speak to you about it, does not excuse his dumb way of going about it.
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:05 AM
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As everyone has posted, this sounds like an attempt to reel you back in...

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Old 09-28-2010, 07:31 AM
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WOW talk about HP pointing you in the right direction, this morning I got on the train and opened up the yoga sutras to do a little reading. Here's the first thing I read....

Sutra 1.9 An image that arises on hearing mere words without any reality [as its basis] is verbal delusion.

You hear something, but really there is nothing like that. In viparyaya (misconception), at least there is a rope to be mistaken for a snake. But in vikalpa (verbal delusion) there is nothing there, yet you still create some opinion about it. Suppose I say, "John took his car to the garage and on the way all the tires got punctures, so he had to remove the wheels and give them to the mechanic to be repaired. he drove home very fast and got into an accident." You say, "Oh was it a terrible accident?" You are only hearing my words you haven't taken the time to think. If you thought about it you would say, "If he gave them all four wheels to be repaired, he couldn't drive it back." It didn't happen, but you take it seriously. A few more examples would be, "His mother was a barren woman," or "I'm a dumb fellow; I can't talk to you." It's verbal delusion, but it may still create an impression in your mind.

I was really able to relate to the verbal delusion concept here.
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