baby steps forward for me

Old 09-26-2010, 06:35 AM
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baby steps forward for me

Well, it seems that my AH/RAH and I are in the process of separating what few things we still have our names on together. He initiated it yesterday evidently as a response to request that he stop harassing me every time he has to give me a check for the bills. All I asked is that he stop sending me those little notes with the check - but no... he has to make a BIGGER response and initiated the transfer of accounts. Why does everything have to be a drama?! I know it just gets to me.

When he called me from the phone store I was upset and he was threatening - so I took a step back and told him that he didn't need to bully me into things anymore - that I have only been cordial in everything despite my disagreement with his actions - that he needs to remember that I am his wife and someone he used to care a lot about - I am not the enemy - so just talk to me about these things - tears were running at this point but I tried not to let him hear them. I mention this because it really hurt - this separating things just furthers the end. At the same time, I felt myself growing stronger as I talked to him firmly and set boundaries like never before. I knew it was the right thing for me to let go even though it hurt.

BTW his response was to back off, he became agreeable and thanked me for working this through. But can I say it still hurts...

Like others, I have had hope that he would get sober and stay that way and we could work things out. Yesterday was the first time that began to believe that it may never happen. (Still crying...)

This actually led to something else which changed my thinking.... my first response was to call an old friend of my mother's (m. is deceased) who has been on the other end of the phone through this rel with me during the darkest times. I was never sure why she was always there for me until today - she knows my mother was abusive to me and hooked on prescription meds, but she told me that my mother was always there for her - she vowed that after my mother's death she would be there for me in kind. So she reminded that while my mother was not there for me then - in a way she made sure someone was there for me now. Amazing to hear while I am working through my past issues. How is that one from my HP?
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:52 AM
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Kassie,

When I first got into Recovery, one of the first things I had to work on was Reacting. I think you might still be in reaction mode with this person. Maybe try to focus yourself on practicing just this one thing this week, not reacting.

Yes, alcoholics and addicts are dramatic and they know our triggers. I find that once I allow myself to get upset, it disrupts my life and is difficult to get out of. After all these years, I still have to practice inhibiting my reactions to what other people say and do. Because once I react, I am in it and it it for a good long time. It's kind of like smoking cigarettes or drinking beer. As long as I can inhibit myself from having that FIRST one, I am good. But once I have one, I am stuck.

Take care of yourself. Try focusing on practicing this and you will begin to be able to step back when these interactions with him occur.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:00 AM
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Yes, I agree that "my reacting" response did not take me or us anywhere that was pleasurable. I started to work on this and the result is usually that he sees his own stuff and backs off or takes responsibility.

I have been venting here to see if it supports me in controlling my reactivity response. I think I am good at not reacting face to face with him, but I definitely react privately. I come up with all kinds of ways to attack the situation and then talk myself down from each one knowing that from experience it has no impact on him nor does it improve the situation and my feelings.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:06 AM
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I find that my internal reactions, both my thoughts and my feelings, can be even worse for me than the ones I allow others to see. I remember learning a couple years ago how to literally change and control my feelings by changing and controlling my thoughts, perceptions, and attitude. Books by the author Brian Tracy definitely helped. I seem to recall there was a book called Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life that was helpful in this regard.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:26 AM
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i have to say, good for you Kassie for standing up for yourself and for seeing clearly, even if you had a reaction, which still happens to me as this whole thing is quite new and sometimes i still feel hurt, it is great you didn't let that cloud your ability to stand up for yourself and speak up. I have been doing that too and it is helping very much after always cowering down to the RAH when he showed his rage emotionally and verbally. I can relate. As for someone being there, i have been finding that my mother is supporting me after all this time and i can feel her guilt from the past and her inability to support me then. I will NOT take advantage of that and i told her that too. i see it and i'm sorry she feels that way, but we have all done the best we could with what we've got, so here is to trying to break the cycle together because we are lucky to have eachother still.....i am allowing myself to take baby steps and feel good about it and i feel the same for you....i know it is hard, but good job!! from what little i know so far.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:32 AM
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I agree with what you are saying. Having working on that one for years ( I have long standing issues from childhood). But I want to say that living with an A has kicked up all my old issues in a way that I can see them. If there is anything good to come out of this -it is that I am able to see what has to change in me and can get support doing it.

My father used to say to me all the time," nothing is a mistake if you learn from it" - a saying that has ruled most of my life and been more important to me in recent years. He would explain to me that mistakes were God's way of allowing us to learn things in a way that really makes a difference. As a child I had no idea what he was talking about, but as an adult it is coming in handy.
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