same issues

Old 09-25-2010, 08:52 PM
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same issues

It's been so long since I logged on here! I had to hold off on Alanon until school started up again and also therapy. (kids are not in daycare in the summer)

I guess I sort of lived my summer in denial. Denial that the problems are still there even though the alcohol is gone. ABF has been sober 8 months...just took away the booze and not working a program. He finally got his license back a few weeks ago, of course he had 5 people lie for him that he has been sober 2 years. He hasn't had one since I met him (5 yrs!) It is restricted to only work and AA. He will not go to AA! Full of broken promises, he told me once he had his license back he would be able to go to AA.

He says he needs to know my answer NOW if I am going to stay with him or leave or leave when I am done with school. He doesn't want to stay with someone who is unsure of the future relationship. As far as I know I am not going to stay with him in the future and the fact I am with him now is to get done with school..and I am scared to have to share my time with the kids. I don't trust him!

His priorities are like a young kid. He complains that he can't see his 5 year old son because I reported to CPS something that happened in our house. Twice. So his ex says he can't see his son as long as he is with me. He takes out these loans for crap like four wheelers, camper etc. and won't take one out to have a lawyer to get rights to see his son and complains to me about it?!

The endless cycle of I am leaving you, you are goign to make me drink again...is so old. Then he tries to make up for it and is overly nice. Oh how I wish I could just know the right thing to do..

Grr. thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:22 PM
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So what, exactly, is he contributing here? Why are you staying with him until you are done with school? Who is using whom, and for what?

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but maybe I'm missing something?
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:56 PM
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Hi, Lindsey. Vent away.

Just a question that came to mind as I read your post. Kind of a rhetorical question and you don't have to answer. If you don't trust him around your kids, why would you stay with him even for a short time to finish school? Especially if you were concerned enough to call CPS regarding a couple times he had his son?

Originally Posted by LS2 View Post
Oh how I wish I could just know the right thing to do..
Even not including information about your children, I kind of get the feeling you know what the right thing is to do. Only maybe you're not quite to the point where you're ready to act on it. Even with the domestic violence issues in my marriage, it took me a long time to decide to leave STBXAH. It took me a while to realize that I was already parenting and taking care of the household expenses on my own. It's a big step, working out the reasons to leave or stay.
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:03 PM
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Oh how I wish I could just know the right thing to do..

Well ask yourself some questions - are you getting your needs met in this relationship?

Do you look forward to sharing the details of your day and hearing his?

Do you do fun things or meaningful things together?

Do you support each others outside interests and give each other room to grow?

Are you both good role models for the children in your care?

If I feel stuck I usually start w/ a pro-con list. Then my son showed me how he weights his lists, he gives points based on the heaviness (importance) of the item on the list. I do this now too and it helps me see things way more clearly.

Peace-
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:41 AM
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i love that list idea, thanks B. I also think that it would be smart to rethink the idea of staying someplace just to get something. I was offered the idea to stay here and my AH would continue to pay for my school, but i knew that would give him even more permission to be verbally and emotionally abusive, not to mention i really did not want to be the women he sat with his drunken friends and told how well he took care of me...THAT was not going to happen. I would rather have my pride then put up with allowing myself to be mistreated and using that person who is treating me so horribly. Just a thought you may want to consider...what does that teach your children? Good luck whatever you decide. I am packing my things and have plans to leave the end of the month.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:53 AM
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I really could not stay with such a jerk, or have him around my kids, even if only til I finished my studies.

No education is worth the cost to you, your self respect or the lives of your kids.

God bless
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 View Post
I really could not stay with such a jerk, or have him around my kids, even if only til I finished my studies.

No education is worth the cost to you, your self respect or the lives of your kids.

God bless

its bad enough if he already KILLED YOUR self esteem, but to keep allowing him to do it, day in and day out..NOPE! NATTA!...I am outa here! and FAST

get planning and thinking what are you gonna do! at least for the sake of the KIDS
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Old 09-26-2010, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
So what, exactly, is he contributing here? Why are you staying with him until you are done with school? Who is using whom, and for what?

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but maybe I'm missing something?
I think it is just basically financial reasons that I feel like I need to stay and that the kids are so little...Which is dumb...

I'm scared too because I don't know if I would live here or move two hours away to be closer to my family.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Bernadette View Post
Oh how I wish I could just know the right thing to do..

Well ask yourself some questions - are you getting your needs met in this relationship?Not at all!

Do you look forward to sharing the details of your day and hearing his?No, I am so much happier when he is away. Harvest season is coming up and I feel sort of happy I won't have to deal with the drama because he will be working late.

Do you do fun things or meaningful things together?Not together with just eachother, we never do anything together hardly unless it is with our kids like outdoor stuff. Today was our first time in who knows how long that we were together alone for 2 hours and I just dreaded it. sad.

Do you support each others outside interests and give each other room to grow?He thinks everything I do makes me..."more crabby towards him" like therapy, alanon, friends and even stuff I do with the kids. He questions WHY I do these things. I guess I would say he is controlling. I let him do his thing..hunting, fishing, etc.

Are you both good role models for the children in your care?He isn't. The way he parents is really not how I see things and it is frustrating. He likes to start arugments infront of the kids and goes on and on.

If I feel stuck I usually start w/ a pro-con list. Then my son showed me how he weights his lists, he gives points based on the heaviness (importance) of the item on the list. I do this now too and it helps me see things way more clearly.

Peace-
B
Thank you, I will work on a pro/con list.
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