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Went to a wedding tonight and it was hard

Old 09-25-2010, 07:30 PM
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Went to a wedding tonight and it was hard

I sat there during the ceremony thinking that I'm making an awful mistake. Feeling like I need to try to make it work, after all it's that what those vows are all about. Through good times and bad, sickness and health....

Then came the reception and the stream of questions about where AH was and how beautiful and great our wedding was. I just kept changing the subject.

Now I'm sitting alone in the hotel room, still feeling horrible. Like I'm just giving up and maybe if I tried a little harder or was a little nicer we could work things out. Apparently AH told my best friend I'm a bitch whenever I talk to him, that hurt.

And so I wonder is this all me, I try to think about good times we had and it all gets blocked by the bad, but yet still I wonder. Is this really what I should be doing. But I can't feel the love and I have no desire to talk to him, so that should tell me something, right?

Weddings are clearly not good for my mental health.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:26 PM
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This really hits home for me. AH and I are recently separated and probably starting the process of divorce. My feelings are ranging from relief and hopes for a future without him, to intense sorrow because I'm mourning the marriage we should have had and the fact that I meant every word of my wedding vows and would stayed by his side until the day I died before his awful disease took over and caused him to break his vows to me.

Tonight I was over my sister's house trying to stay busy and keep myself from being isolated. I happened to look over her doorway and she has a cute little sign hung on the wall. It says, "Forever and always, no matter what." What a punch to the gut that was...
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:33 PM
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I have managed to beg off every wedding in the last year. (We separated a year ago, divorce is draggging out.) Everyone has completely understood. Even though one was my directors... and I knew it would be an awesome party, well, someone had to work, so I volunteered.

Even though I think I'm pretty strong, and in a pretty good place right now, I probably wouldn't put myself out there and go to a wedding even at this point. It still stings too much.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:49 PM
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((((((((((((Bklyngirl))))))))))

That's a tough one, to sit at a wedding with people who knew you as a couple, and watching all the beauty & promise of a wedding, it stirs the heart.

But it does not change the reality of what you were living with.

Breaking up is hard to do. No matter what the circumstances. Be kind to yourself...treat yourself really well for a few days....sending you gentle hugs.

Peace-
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:30 AM
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Weddings wouldnt be a very good place for me either, I struggle every day with grieving over the loss of my 22 year marriage to alcohol. Luckily I am at an age where funerals seem to be more popular!

My AH knows this is a trigger for me and when I say that I have finally had enough of his drinking behaviours and am going to leave him, he tells me that he agrees and that 'we have nothing in common' and this is like a red rag to a bull to me and I am forced to tell him exactly how much in common we have, what a great life we have and what a great future we could have and I am sucked back in. Only who am I kidding. What he means is that we dont have drinking alcohol in common and what I mean is we could have a great life and future if he didnt drink alcohol.

I personally keep a 'living with an alcoholic' blogger website that I use as a personal diary and every now and then, especially when I am feeling sentimental, I will read some of the old entries and remind myself what a confusing, upsetting time I have been through, living with an emotional, abusive alcoholic.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:59 AM
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when in such states of mind, i find it helpful to "play the tape all the way through"...

whilst it is understandable that you feel maybe it could have worked, the reality is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and in my experience, things just kept getting worse and worse. and when i thought things could get no worse, we still sunk deeper.

i know in my heart that i tried my very best to help, to love, to forgive but my love was not enough to battle alcohol.

you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

think it all the way through....

sorry for your pain but you can do this and we're here all the way with you.

hugs.
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:26 AM
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This has also been a tough subject for me and I think it needs to be tough - that is the point of a piece of paper. Having voiced that - there are obviously other things to consider. Depending on what your values are, I think you know when it is time to let go.

I like what "yesbutno" said about what we each want in common doesn't match. He wants to drink and have a good life with me giving him his own way all the time with no disagreements. Gee, I think I would like someone who gave me everything I wanted without any hassles too. Can you find me that person?

I do very much think that your sadness is about the loss of the wishes, hopes and dreams that we all have at our weddings. I recall going to my first alanon meeting and telling them that I was there to mourn the loss of my wishes, hopes and dreams. I got a huge response of acknowledgement from everyone there. I think that is the heart of the matter.

I personally avoid love stories and weddings right now. But when feeling do something for you - this summer I sat outside a lot, I found old tv shows on the internet that are no longer on tv and made me laugh, I found free internet radio to listen to older music that gets my blood moving, and rediscovered fiction at the library and my son bought me an indoor grill to encourage eating healthy.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:29 AM
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Kassie, I love that. Its like becoming yourself again.

Bklyn, I have not married but I know a few couples that "are there no matter what". In NONE of them addiction is part of the equation. You are comparing apples with oranges... you are choosing you, self preservation.

I'd also like someone who gave me everything without hassles. It is very telling what AH says about you. He is not worth much.

Of course, if you had no regard for yourself and didn't "rock the boat" he would be saying you are lovely.

It's all about the alcohol and it takes guts to take better decisions for yourself. Keep moving forward, find out what you enjoy and do it, there will be better times ahead!
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:16 AM
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I avoid weddings. For lots of reasons. But primarily because no one drinks the champagne from the first toast and I go around drinking all the champagne everyone has left. :rotfxko
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:23 AM
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Seriously though,

Originally Posted by BklynGrl View Post
I sat there during the ceremony thinking that I'm making an awful mistake. Feeling like I need to try to make it work, after all it's that what those vows are all about. Through good times and bad, sickness and health....if I tried a little harder or was a little nicer we could work things out. Apparently AH told my best friend I'm a bitch whenever I talk to him, that hurt.
It is not my responsibility to take care of another person such as we have all had to take care of the alcoholics and addicts in our lives. How hard have you ALREADY tried to make your relationship work? Remember the Three C's: You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

How much do I want to allow someone else's choices to continue to negatively affect my life? I tell you, now that I have tasted peace and serenity, I have zero tolerance for alcoholism and drug addiction in my life. If you choose to take steps to get away from this person, and you work on yourself, you will begin to feel better. Always remember during difficult times that there are good times ahead!

And yes, now that you know that weddings are tough for you, it is OK to not go to them. (((hugs))) take care of yourself.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by BklynGrl View Post
Then came the reception and the stream of questions about where AH was and how beautiful and great our wedding was. I just kept changing the subject.
Oh, ugh!

Hey, it was incredibly brave of you to go to that wedding.

Now that it's over with, I think you deserve to give yourself a nice treat.

Hey, if it makes you feel better, in the movie Splash there's a scene in which a newly-divorced Tom Hanks is serving as an usher in a friend's wedding. He has to endure the torment of people asking him over and over where his lovely wife is. He smiles graciously and manages to evade their questions while giving them a program and directing them to sit anywhere but the first three rows.

Finally he snaps. An elderly couple approach and say, "But isn't your wife here?" He shouts: "SHE LEFT ME OKAY? MY LIFE'S A SHAMBLES! ANYWHERE BUT THE FIRST THREE ROWS!" They take a program and hustle away.
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:36 AM
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My pastor said the Bible says "not to be yoked to a drunkard"...... so God doesn't want us unhappy....to thine own self be true....and you aren't the one not upholding the marriage....Dr. Phil says substance abuse is a dealbreaker....he and his wife have it in their families / they are both adult children......so am I ......took 10 yrs.of it......had to let go or be dragged......
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Old 09-26-2010, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
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i find it helpful to "play the tape all the way through"...
again moment...awesome discovery today with this sentence...thank you
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:53 AM
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thanks everyone, luckily wedding season is over for now. I've really been trying to follow naive advice. When I start getting all bent out of shape about our vows or whether I'm doing the right thing.

I start to try to imagine raising a family with AH and that alone is generally enough for me to calm down. As much as I want kids, I know I could never have them with him.
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