FormerDoormat

Funny that you started a thread on this topic, Ms. B., because I've been thinking about doing the same thing. You'll notice that I no longer use the "thanks" button because I think it has, indeed, hindered my recovery.

I'd like to first point out that I'm responding without reading all the other responses because I don't want them to influence what I'm about to say. I find myself doing that a lot these days--posting without reading the other responses--then going back after I'm finished to read the entire thread.

I think the "thanks" button has hindered my recovery in two ways. First, I have misused, even abused the "thanks" button in the past. By that I mean that I've used it to pick sides in an argument--to show my strong support of one person's opinion and lack of support to the other person's point of view. I have failed to thank people who post useful responses because they have inadvertently or intentionally hurt or insulted me in the past. I have used it as a tool of revenge.

Second, I find myself constantly going back after I've responded to a post or started a thread of my own to see how many people have thanked me in a show of support. I apparently have quite a need for validation. So much so that I have googled "attention seeking" and "need for validation." I haven't found the answer as to why I do this yet, but if anybody has any insight into why I do, I'd love to hear their views.

tjp613

I most closely related to Lucy's post here.... how eloquent! I could hit the "thanks" button all day every day because I am just so grateful to any and everyone that posts their experience. It's ALL helpful ... and it takes time. Time is precious. I am grateful for the gifts of ES&H...and their time.

Bolina

Validation is an interesting angle, FD, and not one that I even considered when I started this thread. But I can see how it makes my heart flutter a little when I see names under a post of mine. What beautiful ego enhancement that is!

i think *sigh* that I am a little disheartened that threads like, for example, lostfrmbetrayal's get tons of "do this" responses (albeit with thanks but with little expansion on the topics raised within) and recovery type posts get lots of thanks and no discussion. I find that discussion and the forumulation of replies to a post clarify my thoughts and allow the lightbulb moments to happen. I can't be alone in that, surely?

I guess the "recovery" part of Sober Recovery means different things to different people. Y'all can do whatever you like, of course. I am not in any way being proscriptive.

FormerDoormat

Speaking only for myself, I think it's easier to either tell another person what to do or what I did to help myself when I was still dancing the dance than it is to focus on what's currently bothering me. It's as if being broken or weak in a certain area is a character defect--something to be ashamed of--as opposed to just being human.

Bolina

Hell, yeah. And I find that the more vociferous I am in "helping" someone else, the more I realise that I am actually helping myself, either in real time or the Bolina who was in the situation that the other person is presenting to me. Not all the time - I can be mostly altruistic quite often - but when I am most agitated I know the situation is getting to me on a really personal level.

Anyway, the thanks button. All I am asking (politely), which I realize I didn't do in the first instance, is to consider a post if you have the time. Who knows, it might help all of us.

Bernadette

Some of the posts that share a strong image of recovery are so fine, so moving, so powerful, that I would find a lengthy following discussion could be a distraction from the purity of the message.

And don't knock validation! As with everything in this life - in moderation of course. But I loved what LucyA said and agree that when people "thank" each other it can give a much-needed boost to a battered self-esteem - it's not pathological!!

Freedom thanks especially for this: I have been known to miss the lesson when I am busy 'hearing myself talk' instead of listening.

Peace-
B

freebuthurting

If I have used the thanks button in a thread - I have usually contributed a written response as well. I really like the option of acknowledging individual posts within a thread that has helped me or interested me.

stilllearning

Interesting question. I like the "thanks" button because I can read something that touches me, or is meaningful to my recovery and not have anything to add to the discussion - but show my appreciation with a simple "thanks."

Interestingly, I think the fact that I now can recognize that I -don't- always know best, and I -don't- have something to add is probably a sign that I am recovering.

I'm doing a lot more reading than posting at the moment but I'm still on here most days. In terms of in depth discussion of program concepts - I feel like I could use more of that, but I'm guessing that's what the online step and chat meetings are for and it's probably time that I checked them out.

Hugs,

SL.

missphit

as a person who is pretty new to this forum i can say that the thanks button does a few things for me that keeps me coming back. the first thing is it validates me, by showing me that people read and acknowledged that i took the time to write something. it is a positive response to my input and i appreciate that. second is that it makes me feel comfortable enough to post again, particularly as i post while trying to digest all that is happening in my life and in my "recovery" and it makes me less intimidated to share. I was nervous and a bit scared to share here and wondered if all of you were so familiar with one another that perhaps i would be invisible, which is part of my own sickness to worry about not being seen and act invisible too.....but the thanks button lets me know i've been seen and that is huge for my "recovery" and makes a difference in my daily life. some discussion and recognition is a nice balance, IMHO.

bookwyrm

I like the 'thanks' button for so many of the reasons above. I often don't feel confident enough to post and appreciate it when someone posts something that echoes my own thoughts or has given me something to think about. I usually won't post something till I've had time to think about it a bit and then when I come back I find someone has already said what I was going to say!

I also don't post when I'm in isolation mode with my depression and the thanks button helps me contribute in some small way by expressing my appreciation.

Bearing in mind these three threads:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I find that I don't have anything to add to what's already been said.

Jadmack25

I use the "thanks" button, for various reasons.....to let someone know they have been heard, to thank them for their post, and quite often because tho I was interested in their post, I had no input right then.

Often I post to that thread as well, and also revisit threads and post something when I have later decided I have a comment to make.

I would not like to see that button disappear.

God bless

Learn2Live

Wow FormerDoormat:
Thank you for this. I think I may have done this in the past too. I could be wrong, and maybe one of the Mods will chime in, but I think SR F&F took on the flavor you describe a while back. There seemed to be a lot of disagreement going on. I think the forum takes on a life of its own and it is easy to fall into patterns that are set by the group. It seems lately, though, that there is a lot less "I'm right, you're wrong" in this forum lately. I've noticed a lot more people just trying to be supportive, and less telling people what to do.

For me, looking at how many thanks I might have gotten on a particular post is less about seeing whether or not I am right, and more about seeing if my line of thinking made any sense to anyone else. In life, I have often felt misunderstood. I wonder if that is part of "validation."

I also think that the work I have done in the past regarding my values, morals and integrity helped me need less validation from others. I made lists of what is important to me, what are my standards, what will I not accept, and what I want for my life. And I learned about integrity and boundaries, and started practicing maintaining those things. Doing so allowed me to stand firm in myself, without needing to see if anyone else agrees with me. Because I already KNOW what is healthiest for me; I've already worked through that. Also, taking ALL of the responsibility for myself and my choices means I allow others to do the same. I have less anxiety about my choices when I allow others to make their own choices about their own lives.

Daybreak

While I think the "thanks" button is handy when you just want to appreciate or endorse -- I agree that there may be more enthusiasm for melodrama than is constructive or instructive.

mermaidgirl

B-while I think your hypothesis has interesting merit from a communicative standpoint (can you tell where my graduate work was in? LOL!)...this is a place for healing, ranting, loving support...

There have been days when I have visited and simply sat in a heap of tears as I read, but only hit "thanks" because I simply didn't have a way to articulate and was grateful that not only someone else could but that it was exactly what I was thinking...kinda like when someone looks you in the eye and can see your pain-or joy-without your having to say anything.

Seren

Recovery topics are covered and "re-covered", if you will, many times here on SR. If I do not have anything new to add to a particular post, I do not find it instructive to type "what she/he said" because then I am just typing to hear myself. Historically speaking, I have not found redundancy to be helpful.

The impression I am getting from your posts is that you are being proscriptive, and that you would like for us to participate in this forum in the way you would advise. My understanding, however, is that we may participate as we would in F2F meetings. In other words, we may share our experience or simply listen. I do not hit the "Thanks" button all the time, and I certainly do not post all of the time--primarily because I am only about 2 years into my own recovery and feel others have more experience to offer.

Happy Weekend to all! HG

akrasia

If you find the "thanks" button objectionable you might like to email one of the forum moderators with your thoughts and findings.

Granted I'm not an addictions specialist by training, but I doubt a thanks function in a forum website--entailing two or three lines of code--would have any appreciable effect on recovery rates of forum subscribers.

Coming into an online community where people are sharing their most intimate fears and hopes, and then taking everyone to task for using a small interactive function of the website? That's creepy.

Carol Star

I like the thanks button but sometimes I just read because I am too tired to post and then I over use it. Please don't take it away.

suki44883

I feel confident in saying that the thanks button isn't going anywhere. This thread wasn't started by a moderator, but by a member making a statement. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but again, I enjoy having the option.

SoloMio

I follow a couple of discussion forums on a variety of topics, but this is the most soul-baring one for sure. Because of that, I appreciate the chance to support posters. We all feel raw enough, so I don't think it's harmful to get back a warm show of reciprocity with a simple "thanks" button after you've put yourself out there emotionally.

When I joined, I actually thought that the Thanks button is an awesome idea. Maybe some people will find a way to misuse it, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

Still Waters

I'm wondering if the OP also thinks that we should do away with "thanks for sharing" at face to face meetings...since that is what the Thanks button is to me here on the forums.

I don't say "thanks for sharing" each and every time in meetings, nor do I say it to each and every person who shares.