transformyself

long ago. At the level I experienced it, it's called disassociation. If crazy, abusive, ugly stuff happens when you're young- you check out. That didn't happen. Nope.

Denial keeps you safe. Keeps you from loosing your mind, literally. When I was younger I would leave my body during those times.

But that was then, back when denial helped. When it saved my life. Problem is, that life-saving denial mechanism stuck around long after it outlived its usefulness. It kept me in situations others would have run from, but not me. I just kept feeding off the drama, while pretending to myself at the same time that everything was just fine. It's so bizarre, yet I understand the source.

I recently uncovered a whole bunch more denial that's been quietly working away in my life. I didn't even see these things. Now I do.

I'm trying to be kind to myself, like I tell others. It's hard because AH is the one who pointed them out to me, in his typical way. Blaming. Hostile. Passive aggressive.

He was here at my house when this happened and I threw him out in a rage. I've been doing very well. Compassionatly detached with him. Focused on myself. I was totally triggered though.

Funny thing is, HP showed me just last week I think, how far I've come. A year ago I would have cried and felt just horrible about myself. Yesterday I realized immediately what was happening and said oh no you don't. Get out.

We're still sharing a car (just for a few more weeks thank the heavens) so I did spend some time in the car with him today. He tried to engage in small talk, then tried to make me feel guilty for giving him the cold shoulder. I told him to **** off and shut up. To stay out of my house and don't speak to me about anything but the kids and finances. "You're not my friend," I told him. "If you cared about me you would have been kind. You're not capable of that."

Now he's mad, hurt, whatever. I don't care. His old tricks don't work anymore.

All that matters is I am being honest with myself. Yes, these things are true. I have to work on them. Yes, he's an accusing, insensitive crybaby but that's his problem not mine.

It's a bit frustrating to see I still have so much work to do on myself, and difficult to not let the fact that he is the one that pointed it out to me get in the way of being honest with myself. At first I denied it some more and raged at and about him, but I"m getting so good at de-escalating quickly that now I"m just left with looking honestly at myself. Can't shoot the messenger, even if he is a ****** scumbucket.

And you can trust me that the assessment is correct, even though it came from him. I've inspected it carefully.

I know how to work on this. I'm pissed that I have to, but like I've been lecturing all of you, it's my freaking life. I better heal myself up because no one else will.

LaTeeDa

You're absolutely right. Most of us could probably remember a time (or many) when denial saved us. Psychologically speaking, that is the purpose of denial. To get us through experiences or emotions that would otherwise overwhelm and devastate us. It's the first one of the stages of grief.

Like you (and others, I'm guessing) it worked so well for me as a child, it became a habit. Don't want to deal with something? No problem. Pretend it doesn't exist. My mother still operates much the same way. Which is precisely why I have to detach from her and her illusions most of the time.

I also sometimes hate it that I have to work on myself. But, experience has taught me that the rewards outweigh the discomfort exponentially. So, I plod on.

L

Still Waters

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the pretty waterfall and tinkling butterflies and the neighing of my own pretty unicorns


*Great stuff transform, seeing clearly is such a gift!

transformyself

LTD I"m sorry but the visual image of you "plodding" just ain't gettin it for me. I don't know what you look like IRL, but it AINT ploddy.

And Still Waters, I think I'll come join you by that waterfall. So lovely there!

Pelican

This is from one of my readings today:

A thousand eyes, but none with correct vision.
--Isacher Hurwitz

Congratulations on "seeing" !

transformyself

Thanks Pelican, all though I can't honestly say I"m thrilled. More work on myself. Great. It's hard to not shift into shame and feeling sorry for myself. But that might also be because I'm up working at 11:30 when I want to be in bed.

Thanks I say, Oh Great Flying College Student!

LexieCat

Yup, denial is powerful, all right. It saves the alcoholics and addicts, too, from the pain of seeing themselves clearly.

It works, I think, kind of the way shock does on the body and mind. People who are horribly injured go into shock, which blocks some of the physical and emotional pain for a little while. It's merciful, briefly, but when it wears off, it HURTS.

bookwyrm

One thing I've discovered about all this recovery work is that I will never be done. I think death will be the only thing to end the work! 'Progress not perfection' is my mantra.

I think you're doing great - actually seeing something and breaking free of denial is so difficult. Your realisation is a sign of progress! I think this is a good thing and something that will help you in the long run. I hope you'll see it this way too once you manage to get some sleep. What would you do if you were 'perfect'?!

missphit

great point and i have to say, i like to call it evolving. i think about what i see today that i just couldn't see yesterday and each day i seem to digest and handle things i couldn't handle the day before, as long as i stay vigilent and accept that i am a work in progress always evolving and learning. that concept has me very excited.
Yesterday I was able to make MY amends to my AH and admit my part in everything and my vision for hope for us both. I don't feel hatred or anger anymore and i am filled with excitement for me and some sadness and pity for him atm, but i also realize that letting go is in both of our best interests! i have so much to do for me i can't spend another minute on anyone else...no more waterfalls and rainbows here...but it sure did protect me when i needed them!
thanks for this post, it speaks volumes to me!

JenT1968

absolutely denial has a purpose, and I try and have compassion for those who still need that mechanism (from a distance if necessary) because in the end, although coming through it has been beneficial to me, I have absolutely no way of knowing whether for someone else the pain of breaking free from denial would be outweighed by the benefits.

and absolutely I'm not done yet, is anyone ever finished? what would finished feel like? at times it can be overwhelming, depressing, frustrating or just plain aggravating and p's me off that I have this work to do on myself. But it's a lot easier than at the beginning because I can see the benefits already, I am happier, my life is better, and I'm glad that I am not at the pinnacle of my understanding and growth, I think that would be dull.

Jadmack25

The unicorns, butterflies and waterfalls serve a purpose, the temporary purpose of getting firstly, thru the pain of the trauma and then slowly letting us feel the pain til we find new and better ways of coping with it all.

Staying in denial stunts a persons growth, as we see so much in addicted partners here, and in some posters to this forum.

You are so often a source of inspiration to me Transform, as you peel the onion and open yourself up to who you are.....you tempt me into peeling my onion too.

Dear L2L, your post conjured up such lovely thoughts of a peaceful, non hurting place to be, and it is no wonder we want to stay there.

God bless

Summerpeach

I've said this for many years, denail is a double edged sword.
It's a survival mechanism and at the same time, can put you in the grave.

Addicts need denial to keep their sickness alive, and yet oddly, their addictions end up killing them.

I've had my own ways of denial and I'll tell ya, it's made me a fool