new here, advice needed

Old 09-26-2010, 06:34 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear Caeceemaye:

I like your lists and the boundaries you outline, but I agree strongly that they function best as internal boundaries for yourself, a way of thinking to yourself, "What's my line in the sand?"

You know how some governments make it a policy never to negotiate with terrorists? Don't negotiate over your right to feel safe in your own home. It's not your job to convince, cajole, or argue in order to live safely and normally.

If he, say, got in an argument on a subway and threatened to kill some woman and her kids, he would be in jail now.

People can't think clearly when they're in imminent danger. All the stress hormones mess you up. I would strongly recommend that you find a way of getting a little break for yourself as I outline above, so that you can figure out what to do next.

Take care,
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:41 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
coffeedrinker's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to S/R, Caycee.

You have already discovered the good, good people who visit this board. Please stay engaged! You are already real to us, and we care about you.

I think putting the list down, and having some goals for your relationship and your life is a great first step! The trouble comes in when you have a list, tell him, and he still goes against your wishes. It is a set-up for disappointment and anger, and then you might start becoming the house police officer. For example, how does one prove that someone broke the "lying" rule? Exactly: you have to try and prove it, cuz he sure won't readily admit that he lied once again, esp after agreeing that he would not. It's an awful situation to be in; trust me I have. It ate me up inside.

Please update us! And make that difficult but empowering call to DV
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