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Old 09-25-2010, 11:11 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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When my XAH went on Match.com before we were divorcd he actually did me a favor to help me let go. My therapist said my integrity got me out. It was the dealbreaker I needed. Now I look back on it as a blessing....gift from HP....Now 3 yrs. post divorce I am so grateful. This life is much better. No revenge necessary.
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:29 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
When my XAH went on Match.com before we were divorcd he actually did me a favor to help me let go. My therapist said my integrity got me out. It was the dealbreaker I needed. Now I look back on it as a blessing....gift from HP....Now 3 yrs. post divorce I am so grateful. This life is much better. No revenge necessary.
Yes that is my exact story too. My divorce isnt final yet though but soon...
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
I actually sat on my hands for around 10 minutes, and decided, against my own better judgment, to post anyway.

I am a man and I never cheated, my last 3 wives (ha, there were ONLY 3 total, whataya think I'm nuts?) however, did cheat. Part of what I'm currently working on is why I felt so little self worth as to get involved repeatedly with women with so little integrity.

Statistically speaking the genders are pretty equal in the cheating department:

Are men cheating more than women? Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex


Oh, and as along as I'm hanging my azz out there, pretty sure the revenge stuff was tongue in cheek. You know, a little humor!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
No, not all men cheat, but it's a high # and women are catching up.
Check out sites like Ashley Madison that has over 6 million members (yes men and women), all people looking for affairs. Cheating is not new to humanity, it's just skyrocketing because of the internet and the rate at which our lives have become more stressfull.
And become humans are losing their dignity at alarming rates.
Most cheaters just don't see it as wrong.
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
50-60% of men cheat? where did those statistics come from? guess i'm never getting married.
believe me, it's MUCH higher!
CNN did a poll after the whole Tiger scandel and they asked 5000 men if they would cheat if they were sure not to get caught and the % was 87%.
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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And the ever-growing sense of entitlement, SP.

Hurting - I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. It sucks. And it's not your fault. The whole "I wanted to feel wanted" baloney is just a way to put the blame back on you. I've heard it so often before, almost always from men who put most of the burden of child-rearing and household matters onto their wife and then never even stopped to think why she wasn't massively inclined to towards treating him as a partner. I am making some assumptions here, merely reading between the lines of your posts. Hope you stick around because there's some great information here to help you.

Note to men - being a truly equal partner is sexy as hell. You'll get all the "wanting" you need if you pull your weight. I'm not talking about sex, although that is often a natural outcome. Just general mutual good feeling and plenty of postive emotional strokes.
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Old 09-25-2010, 03:26 PM
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Are men cheating more than women? Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex
Yes...there has to be a woman involved for cheating to happen...and lots of times those women are married or in 'committed' relationships.

If women were to protect other women (by not cheating with their husbands and boyfriends) there would be a whole lot less misery in this world.

50-60% of men cheat? where did those statistics come from? guess i'm never getting married.
I like to put my faith in the 40-50% of men who don't cheat. When you meet one whose integrity/honesty/character are rock-solid, you just know it. I've dated men like that. My four sisters are married to men like that. My stepdad was a man like that. My best girlfriends have husbands like that. They are out there!

Note to men - being a truly equal partner is sexy as hell.
Word times 1000, Bolina. Amen, sister.
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Old 09-25-2010, 03:29 PM
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When you meet one whose integrity/honesty/character are rock-solid, you just know it.
And I forgot to give credit to my three brothers...they're like that too.
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Old 09-25-2010, 04:41 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Yes, there are really great men out there, who are respectful, healthy, spiritual and loyal. But perhaps they were all in their homes, or hiking, or in a spiritual retreat, or in a kid's birthday, that is why the magazines couldn't find them to interview them and get their opinion.

"making him feel wanted": as long as the male is a hurt kid looking for a nurturing mom, as long as the female is a hurt kid looking for a protective Dad, the hellish dance will continue.

RE revenge: "forgive your enemies, after all that is what bugs them the most"

An affirmation to re channel anger and need for revenge is "I trust Divine justice". Recently I have seen stories of KARMA coming back. It is true. One would like to actually be there when it happens, but its a good thing we don't. Honest.
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:28 PM
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I like to put my faith in the 40-50% of men who don't cheat. When you meet one whose integrity/honesty/character are rock-solid, you just know it. I've dated men like that. My four sisters are married to men like that. My stepdad was a man like that. My best girlfriends have husbands like that. They are out there!
Thank you, you're right. I am only concentrating on the negative. My outlook on relationships and people's integrity in general is just a huge sign that I am far from being ready to have a relationship. I do not trust that I could find a faithful partner, and as long as I feel that way, I'm sure I'll attract people that prove me right.
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:49 PM
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I'm too much of an airhead to seek revenge; I get distracted by my own life. I haven't got the time or the attention span for plotting anything that might be effective.

I have found that my FEAR of the other person cheating is actually worse than what I felt when it truly happened. What has been most difficult for me after having been cheated on was the "How could someone DO that?!" In all cases I am glad I found out, because otherwise I might be stuck with the losers. I've personally no tolerance for cheaters, liars, abusers, etc. Zero.
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:54 PM
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HurtingAgain, how are you doing today?
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:57 PM
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Whilst in no may minimising the pain of infidelity, I am intrigued that this was your worst fear. Worse than you partner dying? Really?
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome View Post
HurtingAgain, how are you doing today?
It's so hard to answer that question because it literally varies minute by minute. My emotions are vacillating between rage, hurt, numbness, shock, relief that it's finally over, and back again. One minute I'm thanking God that I found out the truth and that I can finally begin rebuilding my life without him, and the next minute I want to call him and tell him how much I love and miss him and beg him to get sober so we can be a family again. He's been my best friend since I was 15 years old, and the thought of living without him is both terrifying and heartbreaking, even though he hasn't been the man I fell in love with for many years now. I would give anything to have back the man I loved before alcohol stole him away from me.

Originally Posted by Bolina View Post
Whilst in no may minimising the pain of infidelity, I am intrigued that this was your worst fear. Worse than you partner dying? Really?
In many ways, yes, I did fear this even more than him dying. If I were a widow I could mourn the loss of my husband and still feel like it was okay to love him as much as I still do. All of the good memories (and there were many of them even though they've been coming further and further apart) have now been tainted by this betrayal. I think there is always the fear in the back of any sober spouses' mind that if they leave, the alcoholic spouse will finally get sober and become the sort of partner to someone else that they should have been to them.

Right now it feels like the man that I love has already died, his body just doesn't know it yet.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:22 PM
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I don't think anybody can walk through what an addict has walked through and come out the same person they were before they became lost in addiction. Just as I don't think anybody can walk through what an addict's partner has walked through and return to being the same person they were before the experience.

Alcoholism changes people. It changes those who love them, too. It will never be the same as it was before. Just as yesterday and tomorrow will never be the same as today.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:23 PM
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I remember the cycle of emotions. There is something about infidelity that can rock you to the core like nothing else.

I hope you're taking time to remind yourself, reassure yourself, that you are not the cause of the infidelity. Addicts are pleasure seekers. Self-serving. And the other partners they seek out are another form of drug, another painkiller.

I mourned the loss of the dream, too. And I mourned the loss of the guy I loved. I had to move away for nearly 2 months while I regrouped. I let my family take care of my 3 babies while I took care of myself.

I hope you keep sharing here. When it's new and fresh like this, it's an incredibly difficult time. Saying some prayers for peace, strength, and clarity for you.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:28 PM
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There is so much entwined in your last post, HA. It is so sad for all of you that you would rather that he had died than that he cheated on you. Cheating, along with the truth that is the life of lies that often comes with heavy drinking, is just like a death. A death of potential, a death of the dream, a death of the memories that are now tarnished.

It's tough. When you are ready to unravel all of that, everyone on SR is here for you.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:32 PM
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Originally Posted by HurtingAgain View Post
I think there is always the fear in the back of any sober spouses' mind that if they leave, the alcoholic spouse will finally get sober and become the sort of partner to someone else that they should have been to them.
(
I remember this feeling, too. Had it for a very long time. Fear is about the unknown...something we have no control over. There is no way of knowing whether your AH will ever have true recovery. But you have you, and your own life to live. Does your happiness depend on the well-being, or the future, of your AH?
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