What to say to my AH? Where to go from here?
 

I just found this board today and am very thankful for it. I'm at a loss on where to go from here. Although many of the stories I've read are much worse than my own experience, I'm worried it will eventually turn into a much worse situation.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 10. We have a 13 month old and are due with our second child in less than a month. We met when were in our early 20s and lived a 'party' lifestyle for a long time. I always thought his drinking was a little heavier than most, but it still seemed under control.

Fast forward to the current year, where we live in the burbs and decided to start a family, which we had extreme difficulties in accomplishing. Around January/February of this year, I noticed my husband started behaving strangely on the weekends. He was very out of it and required long naps during the middle of the day. This went on for several months. In May, he was so out of it one day that he ended up sleeping 6 hours during the middle of the day. I ended up taking him to the emergency room, only to find out he was extrememly drunk, even many hours after he could have possibly had his last drink. This was such an eye opening experience for me. I didn't think he drank that much any more, but it made the events over the last few months much more clear. He apologized (of course) and said it would be ok, but there were several more incidents over the next month.

In June, I had to go out of town for work and I refused to leave our child at home with him. I didn't trust him and wasn't going to do anything to put our child in danger. It seemed to be a wake up call for him. The drinking stopped. We are still fairly young (early 30s) and go to a lot of events with friends that involve alcohol. He would have one or two beers, but nothing more than that. It has been 3 months, so I thought that maybe he was doing better.

Although I know I shouldn't, I still can't help but be on the lookout for his drinking and his hiding of his drinking. Thankfully for the last 3 months I haven't seen the vodka bottle move (this was his drink of choice with the earlier incidents) Two times in the last week I've noticed the vodka bottle has been moved. Which means 2x this week he's sneaked drinks. I couldn't tell either night, it was only the bottle that gave it away. I feel like he's in the early stages of alcoholism, where's there's still a chance to get control of it before it becomes a horrible problem. I've read many articles and have been to a few Al-Anon meetings that tell you what you shouldn't say (don't threaten, don't guilt them, etc). So what am I supposed to say? I dont' know what to do from here. I want to acknowldege the problem, but I don't know how to go about doing it without saying/doing the wrong thing. I'm at a loss.

Welcome to SR!
Sorry about what brings you here...you might want to read the stickies at the top of this forum.
I don't know how to answer you....just honesty...I am worried, I don't trust you anymore, I don't feel our daughter is safe etc.
If he does have alcoholism...this talk isn't going to fix anything probably but you will at least be able to address it...which in a marriage you have every right to.
You have the right to be heard and if it is a problem for you, then it's a problem.

I am not really sure what to say. I wish I had followed my husband when he left the house and found out exactly what he was doing because I trusted him so much - then he would end up seeming inebriated with no actual evidence of drinking. I think you are wise to privately work out what he is consuming but are also wise to already know there are things not to do when you come to confront the issue. I did absolutely ALL the wrong things with mine and became quite the worst kind of codependent. Ended up really hating myself for a while back there.
You have found a great source of support and advice here. I haven't been here long but it has turned my world around.

hi
 

i just joined this board myself and i feel for you - our circumstances are similar but my AH doesn't hide it from me. I'm due on halloween with our 2nd - first is 3. and the stress of the impending birth is causing him to regress. not sure what i can do to convince that he needs help - i know nothing will help unless he reaches that point in realizing he needs help. i read another post on here about alcohol causing the person to basically revert back to a teenager and thats really how it feels in my house. don't have any advice, but seems like that is alot of helpful people on here. .

I dont' know what to do from here. I want to acknowldege the problem, but I don't know how to go about doing it without saying/doing the wrong thing. I'm at a loss.

Hi Lily10 and welcome! :wave:

What you describe is the typical rock and hard place we can find ourselves in with our A loved ones.

It seems like you have acknowledged the problem. It doesn't seem like he has. And even if he does acknowledge it that means nothing! Base your assessments on actions only, not words. Many, many an A has confessed in dramatic fashion, and inspired deep pity on the parts of their loved ones, to their drinking problem. And then they go on drinking.

2 books I recomend are Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham. One helped open my eyes to how codependently sick I was, and the other gave me total respect for the disease of alcoholism/addiction and how much bigger then me it is, how I have no control at all over it, and neither does the addict until somehow, some way they have suffered enough and they make the monumental effort to begin and sustain recovery.

It is a huge change for any human being to make, so I realized I needed to find ways to live happily and never be "waiting" for that recovery moment in someone else. It may never come, and I certainly cannot control whether or not it ever does.

So what can you do? As hard as it seems, the important thing you can do (and really the fair thing to your kids) is to focus on yourself and your mental/physical/financial health. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And however clever and sneaky we think we are being measuring their intake - believe me they are 1,000 times more sneaky and more clever at hiding their booze consumption from us. And that "beer-police" role can end up making you very sick.

I've read many articles and have been to a few Al-Anon meetings that tell you what you shouldn't say (don't threaten, don't guilt them, etc). So what am I supposed to say?


Threatening, guilting, arguing, are all actually ways of enabling the alcoholic. It makes you the convenient target for their blame and a justification for further drinking. Step out of the way of that! So what I learned to say say is just what I mean. I'm prepared to back up whatever I say. And be prepared to accept that this is not a healthy relationship where you get to have rational conversations and normal give and take that happens betw lovers. If one part of the partnership has an addiction or is codependent there is just no way to have a healthy marriage!

I don't say this to freak you out or anything - I say this so you don't think YOU are crazy when you start getting into the kinds of useless conversations, promises, and lies, and general unpredictable insanity of the A behavior.

I say this because I lived it with my parents (A father & codie mom) I've watched it with my A brothers relationships, and I lived it in my marriage where my well-learned codie tendencies basically made me 1st choose the wrong partner, and then made my marriage unworkable/unlivable/unlovable.

Keep up the AlAnon, accept help, and keep yourself and those kiddoes safe! He will do what he will do, and it is no measure of his love, or anything like that, it is a measure of the grip the addiction has on his body & soul. It took me a decade to resolve that assumption about my A dad. I was a child and thought - if he loved me (us) he would stop.

Peace-
B