Mambo Queen

This was my worst fear for so long. It kept me stuck in my marriage much longer than I should have been, or wanted to be in it. It kept me stuck having contact with him, much past the point where I knew it was unhealthy for me. It cost me thousands of dollars, first from the money I gave him in our divorce settlement and then even after we were divorced when I made another ill-advised attempt at "rescuing" him. I knew this last time, when I went no contact and washed my hands of my disasterous rescue attempts that this would be the likely result. But it still hurts, and it still makes me sad. I listened to a message from him today (first one I've not deleted in three weeks--he called me from a pay phone so I didn't recognize the number) and he sounds very sad. Said he went to the hospital last night, in an attempt to get a referral to the state-run mental hospital (actually he said he went to the mental hospital first and they sent him to the hospital first) but that the hospital would not give him a referral because, "I guess they think I'm not crazy enough. I told them I was suicidal and homicidal, but they still released me with no referral". He also said he'd been calling around to treatment centers, he's got the numbers of a few places that take you without any money, but that the earliest he could get in is two months from now. He said he doesn't have any money, that he'll have to panhandle to get something to eat. I know all of this is meant to be manipulative, but he didn't sound mean, or conniving, nor did he ask me for anything. He just sounded sad, and worn out. And it's making me want to cry.

I guess I can reassure myself with the thought that HE has been in the Salvation Army before (left after two months), and so he knows that if he's willing to go back there he's got a bed and 3 squares for six months. He said before it's the work they had him do (unloading and loading furniture onto trucks) with his bad back (he's got two herniated discs) that was harder for him than the staying sober. I actually believe that to a certain extent, because he's the type of alcoholic who can put together a few months of sobriety with not much problem, but when he falls, he falls hard and fast. But I guess he'll have to decide if putting up with hard physical labor is worth having a place to stay and food to eat (and hopefully, some help recovering, too--although I have to admit I'm not a huge fan of SA's methods and don't know that they're too successfully in getting a lot of long-term recovery out of people. Maybe they're more successful than I realize, I just don't know).

I'm rambling, because I'm trying to get all of my worries/fears out of my head. On the positive side, I can say that this is the news I thought I could not bear just a mere month ago, and something really changed in me once I went no contact and stepped up my own recovery with a good therapist. So here I am, bearing the previously (thought-to-be) unbearable. And I am sad, and it is sad, but I'm not devestated. I'm OK.

keepinon

Alot of stuff. glad you fell sad, but ok..hang in there

Deesire

Oh wow, Mambo Queen, thank you so much for sharing that. I fear my XAS may be heading in that direction eventually too (though I certainly hope and pray his bottom hits before homelessness is necessary). Right now, my X is trying to work his recovery and I believe his parents are helping him out financially while he does so. So homelessness does not seem to be right around the corner as I feared it might be. I can hope and pray he is truly on the road to a long-lasting, real recovery. It is very reassuring to me to hear from people's whose A loved ones are or have been homeless. It does give me hope that ppl *can* be ok (sad, but ok, as you describe it) when that happens.

Impurrfect

(((MamboQueen))) - I know the sad feeling, but I also know how much better I felt when I realized it was out of my hands.

I've BEEN the homeless A, and I've LOVED the homeless A. The "loving" part was the hardest, as I was no longer numbing myself, but I'd finally accepted that I could no longer step in and "fix it" for him. Sounds like you are at that point, too.

Gentle hugs and prayers,

Amy

ItsmeAlice

Feeling sad for him....that's healthy.
Wishing him better days clean and sober....that's healthy.
Sitting on your hands to keep from rescueing him....that's healthy.

You should be so proud of yourself for these things!!

I am not at that point myself. I feel sad for my XABF and I can even muster wishing him wellness, but I can't sustain it. I feel no desire to rescue him no matter how dismal his situation were to become, and I know that is not out of healthy caring for myself and my recovering codependence, but rather the last remnants of bitterness over his choices and how they affected our lives. I have not forgiven him yet.

I hope you find a way to feel joy in your recovery despite the sadness his circumstances bring you.

Peace,
Alice

Mambo Queen

I'm not so sure that being bitter and angry are unhealthy, actually. I know feeling no desire to rescue isn't. It's taken me a year and a half of a lot of emotional pain to get to where I am finally OK enough with his disasterous life decisions to be able to get on with MY life regardless...and I think if I would have felt MORE anger with him and the situation sooner, I could have maybe spared myself some of that pain.

queenteree

Mambo Queen, I am going thru something quite similar right now, my AH is homeless, got out of the psych ward yesterday, and was supposed to go to the Salvation Army for intake (he had a phone interview w/them while in psych ward). He has not gone, he arrived at my house this morning drunk at 8 am, he was wandering the streets all night I guess. I am sad for him, seeing him today at his last stages of alcoholism, is a very sad thing to witness. Like your's he can manage a couple of months of sobriety, but when he drinks, he's off to the races so to speak for weeks and months. And like your's, he is not mean or conniving right now, actually looks like a broken down old man, alot older than 56. He has lost everything, and still drinks and lives at the train station (I gather, in my town that's where they all live).

I feel sad for my AH, makes me want to cry also, but I know there is nothing I can do to help him ... I can only pray for him and for God's will to be done.

I feel for you, but you're doing great. We are human, we have compassion and feelings. It's ok to feel sad, as long as you don't let it interfere with your life.

Hang in there ... let it play out the way it's meant to play out.

Hugs

laurie6781

Sorry but he again 'manipulated' you along the way. Had he said something to them, they would have put on different chores, cooking, laundry, whatever. Also, their 'rehab' program has excellent results, I believe better than many 'insurance paid' rehabs as the clients really have TO WORK FOR THEIR RECOVERY in not only learning the tools, but for their room and board.

I have sent many there over the years and those that 'are ready' not only do well but continue to do so and many are productive members of society today.

Again, the A only gets out of it what the A is willing to put into it.

Just wanted to clarify.

Love and hugs,

veryregretful

I would like to add that my AH has been homeless since he left the house the beginning of September. Today, he left a suicide note at my house and texted it on my cell phone.

I feel very bad for him but I'm not going out to find him. I would have 5 years ago. Not now. I will admit I have thought about it but quickly dismissed that.

I have compassion and hopes that he does stop being in denial and go get some help. I'm very concerned because of the suicide note and my son texted him that he hates him. I don't think mentally he is stable at this moment.

Thank you for your encouraging posts.

Jadmack25

Laurie is right in her remarks. I also referred many to the Salvo's rehab program when ours was full and so were Govt ones. I could predict pretty accurately who could be helped and who would head for the nearest pub as soon as they were able to.

Sometimes I got a lovely surprise when I was proved wrong, and later was greeted by a clean and sober man who had last been seen, looking a lot the worse for wear.

Having been where you are now, I know how hard it is, to stay out of their troubles and let them feel all of the hassles caused by their drinking.....instead of carrying their burden for them as usual.

I often "rescued" RABF before he even knew he was in trouble, and I now wonder if his Guardian Angel felt like booting me up the bum, as much as he wanted to do it to RABF.
I can see this frazzled old Angel, shaking his head and muttering "stupid meddlesome old bat, go away and mind your own business."

When I did that, refusing to "help" in any way, other than to call an ambulance for bad withdrawals if necessary,.....he went for help and into recovery all by himself, and is still sober and doing what he needs for himself.

I pray for strength and determination to you Mambo, and all who are coping with this scenario right now.

TakingCharge999

I see victimhood from him (takes one to know one....)
You gave him lots of money and where did it go?
His bad back ? well he could have mentioned it and as laurie says they would have given him any other task. I don't buy it.

It should be painful to realize you can't control him, or cure him. Doesn't matter how much energy or hopes others put into it. Put him in HP's hands Mambo.. and I am glad you are coping with this... and have support !!

FormerDoormat

Yes, the end is a very sad thing to witness. I feel sad for him, too, and for all the people suffering from addiction. I also feel sad for the loved ones left behind who must deal with a combination of grief and guilt. But mostly I feel sad for me when I read threads like these because I realize now that I didn't have to take a front row seat to my boyfriend's unraveling and that self-preservation was a healthy choice and one I needn't have suffered guilt over.

It's ok to feel sadness. Watching anyone suffer no matter what the reason breaks my heart. It's human to feel sad. I also believe it's human to want to help--even when it's beyond my power to do so.

On days when those last bits of guilt rise to the top, I don't try and push them away any more. I feel them and remember that I tried everything in my power to help my boyfriend.

I was not lacking in love, empathy, or compassion. I simply lacked the power. Hugs to you MamboQueen, from a woman who's walked in your shoes and and knows how painful it is.

dollydo

I use to fell sorry for exabf, however it did not stop me from doing the right thing for me, get him out of my life. It was him or me, I chose me.

He is still doing the wrong thing for him, it is his choice, and, I no longer feel sorry for him.

fourmaggie

say the serenity prayer....

TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME

Babyblue

My ABF is also headed that way, a place he has been to before. I am sad for him. Sadness is normal and ok. Feeling things is human. I work through my sadness and remind myself that it is entirely out of my control. I stop and think about how lucky I am to not have had an addiction problem or to grow up in a home with non-addict parents. When I remind myself, then his life seems so distant from mine and I can detach easier I guess. But I am sad for him, his family, his future.