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First Post: Note to self...

Old 09-23-2010, 09:01 PM
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First Post: Note to self...

The Al Anon meeting was at 9:15 AM, not PM...

I'm grateful I found this forum on the Internet yesterday. It has been a heckuva couple of days, and I need to get it off my chest.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. She was working and sober when we got married, and we had a great relationship. At least I thought so at the time. We were already engaged, and she informed me that she was pregnant. Turns out she quit taking her medicine 5 months previous and neglected to inform me. Furious through all the BS excuses, I married her.

That was one of many manipulations over the past 7 years.

She quit working one day without discussion. Somehow, I had to make up the budget shortfall. Being "responsible" to a "fault", I made up the shortfall when the economy was good.

She quit going to meetings, withdrew and isolated herself. I scratched my head because I didn't understand.

I was faaaaarrr too busy for Al Anon meetings. After all, why should I be punished. It was her problem

She eventually started drinking again, and abusing prescription medication. I thought that perhaps we could control it if we just set up some ground rules (I kind of laugh as I write that part, but I swear it's true).

She tried to quit drinking. Taking her to the hospital for withdrawal was really fun for the whole family.

Some friends invited us out for the fourth of July. My son got to watch me catch his mom before should could complete her face plant, and see how strong I was as I carried her out to the car. About 1/4 mile... Oh, I also stayed up all night with her so she didn't choke on her vomit. It was really bad, but since I had started going to some Al Anon meetings, I suddenly started to understand what detachment meant. Believe it or not, I actually started to smile with my revelation.

She remembered nothing the next day.

One more bounce on the "bottom" and she finally went to rehab. We came up with a great aftercare program for her too. I just wanted my girl back.

I think she went to 3 meetings in 5 weeks.

I was at a conference in town over the weekend. Still back in the evenings. I noticed a familiar energy with her on Saturday and Sunday night. Naturally, I was suspicious.

Unfortunately, I was right. She stole some prescription meds from some friends and replaced them some other meds. Our friend needed her medicine and thought the pills looked different. She had started googling the pills when my wife coped to what she did, and a few other things. BTW - our friend is nursing an infant.

I am so grateful I found this forum

I'm tired, but resolute.

The blessing in facing challenges is that it presents me with the opportunity to grow into the person I need to be. All things are possible through God.

I told my wife that I want her out of the house. There was no ambiguity or room for misinterpretation. Of course, I had to remind her... This will probably happen a few more times. I'm not flexible on this issue.

I'm not sure about our long term prospects, but I need her out right now. I will have a sane household for my son. Period. He deserves that, and he depends on me. And he alone has that right.

I'm tired, but resolute.

I am so grateful I found this forum

I can't change her. I am not responsible for her. I did not cause her behavior, and I can't save her. I can only take care of my son and myself.

Thank you all for your many postings on this forum. I have learned through reading what works for you.

I am so far from perfect. I have so much to learn. I am so happy with progress to my own serenity.

I am also very grateful that I have finally come to the realization that I need recovery too. This disease is so seductive at times that I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I 1) reached my "bottom" right before she went to rehab and 2) had her out of the house for 5 weeks. The contrast in my life was staggering (no pun intended).

Thank you for reading if you made it this far

I go to Al Anon meetings now. I just wish they would put am/pm on the schedule...

I'm tired, but resolute.

I am so grateful I found this forum
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Old 09-23-2010, 11:09 PM
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Some people have to hit 'rock bottom' (at least once) before they finally want recovery. I think you made a wise choice to have her out of there. YOur son deserves and needs a stable home and an alcoholic mother cannot provide that. Take good care of the two of you. I hope she 'gets it' before it's too late.
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:11 AM
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Glad to hear you know what you want to do, and that you have reached that clarity.It is hard, but it gets better in time if you keep working on yourself.
Stick around and keep reading. This place is a source of great wisdom. It helped me keep my sanity through my darkest hours.
Keep posting, we'll be here for you.
Wellcome
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:58 AM
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welcome and thank you for posting. you will find great support and wisdom here. You are doing a great job and i can certainly relate to your feelings. you deserve "a sane household" too! Glad you found this forum!
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Old 09-24-2010, 02:08 AM
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Hi and welcome to our SR familly, I am the opposite to you, only im the one who doesnt work and dont drink, he was also sober when we married. My AH works and drinks and stays with us as we financially depend on him! I have 2 girls. You lucky yr wife has been to meetings, mine admits he has a problem, but, that is where it stops! I did leave him for a few days, this helped, all normal for 2 weeks, then as u say the familiar energy..... I can just pray GOD will help him and us.
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Old 09-24-2010, 02:27 AM
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I completely understand and applaud your decision to make sure your son has a safe and sane environment. I made the exact same decision for my own sons - when children are involved there really is no question whether you made the right decision.
I am just a couple of weeks into my own recovery from codependency and haven't been to an alanon meeting yet - but I have found a lot of help, support and guidance here and I am sure you will too. I have found a couple of meetings I can drive to - but I have to arrange for someone to look after the children while I go.
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:24 AM
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Hi pickyourselfup, and welcome to SR,

We have a great bunch here in all various stages of recovery and know exactly what you are going through and empathise a lot.

You sound particulary switched on with it all and I now really believe that zero tollerance/deal breaker is definitely the way to go with this desease. I only wish that I had the same insight as you many years ago, it would have saved me a lot of pain. Its that old 'being cruel to be kind' really. Good for you.

Keep posting, keep inspiring, keep learning and keep reading and welcome once again.
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:37 AM
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You seem to have grown a great deal in a relatively short time.

You are resolute. If you hang onto that, it will carry you through some of the doubtful times.

It's funny, but one of the things I wanted so badly was an intact family - for me and for my children. Hindsight shows that ending my marriage was probably better for my children anyway. They are watching us.

Welcome to S/R. This is a terrific site; I'm glad you're with us. It's for us way after we tell them to leave as well as during.
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:49 AM
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Another single dad here, 9yo girl, I finally saw the light for exactly the same reasons as you.

The children deserve a sane home, I can still remember the moment I switched priorities from protecting a grown drunk, to protecting my child. It was a profound moment. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I needed to protect my DD from her own mom.

I'm tired every day as well, but it's the good tired from doing the right thing. Good on you.

We can do this. I can whip a "bed head" into a presentable ponytail at least as fast as the most seasoned mom. And I do it with big old "man hands". I mention this only because I remember it being by biggest fear back when LMC (Little Miss Coyote) was 5. Odd that ponies were my greatest perceived problem!

Thank God for ignorance, sometimes it's a blessing.

Keep posting and reading, glad you found Alanon, it's been a source of great comfort and aid to me, along with SR of course.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:56 AM
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Hi, sounds like you have a plan, this is good!

I also commend you on putting your child first, you are doing the right thing for him.
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Old 09-24-2010, 05:07 AM
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BTW, you mentioned how your home was so serene while she was in rehab. Same here, I believe it was my HP giving me a test run to gather my confidence that I could indeed do it alone.

It was a great lesson and chance to catch my breath. Living, if you can call it that, with an active alcoholic was too much for me.

Sounds like you are in a good place with your clarity. Since you've asked her to leave, prepare yourself for the onslaught. She may pull out every dirty trick in the book.

I called the police on mine after she slapped me so hard I had a black eye the next day, and I almost went to jail, the only thing that saved me was I hadn't been drinking. Protect yourself, do no wrong, be above reproach till you can get her out. Good luck.

You sound like a good man.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-24-2010, 07:58 AM
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BTW, you mentioned how your home was so serene while she was in rehab. Same here, I believe it was my HP giving me a test run to gather my confidence that I could indeed do it alone.
Bingo. Same with me. It was such an incredible relief to have my AH in rehab and have a quiet sane home that it forced me to take a whole lot closer look at how low my standards had gotten.
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:01 AM
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Thanks for your post. I'm a new member here too and can really relate to so much of what is posted and discussed. I have been broken up with my XAS for about a year and a half, but still maintain a friendship with him and am working to make that a sane, helpful relationship for both of us. I'm learning a lot about not enabling, detaching with love, accepting powerlessness over his life choices and all that jazz.
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Old 09-24-2010, 12:47 PM
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Thank you for sharing!!! This is my first post. It is so helpful to hear from other men with alcoholic women in their lives. I have yet to tell my story on this forum, despite lurking here for about a month now. The progressive nature of this disease is so real to me as I have been married for 17 years and have kept the "For better or worse....Till death do us part" thing. I am starting to see how I have been hiding behind that commitment when what I have been doing is being in denial that her drinking was that bad. I am now transitioning into a detachment phase. I will eventually start another thread to share my reality. Take care men and take care of those kids. They need us.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:49 AM
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First, I want to thank you all soo much for your support. It was therapeutic just for me to write. I really appreciate reading all of your stories. I get strength from those stories, and my story isn't done yet.

Arrangements for AH to live elsewhere have been made, and the plane ticket bought. I have spoken with her housemate about what she is up against, and she is well prepared. They are starting with clear boundaries, and my AH will have to take city transportation (she's not used to that...).

Personally, I hope the forced independence works wonders for her. However, I have been to this dance before and it somehow ends at midnight.

She has wanted to "discuss" her leaving several times. Mainly, she rants or cries about how it isn't fair to her and won't help her recovery.

I replied with "this is about my recovery and you facing the consequences of your own actions. I'm not going to change my mind on this and there is nothing left to discuss."

Normally, I wouldn't even want to "discuss" my decision, but I wanted her to know just how dead serious this is to me and I have outgrown her manipulations. She is devilishly clever though... It is up to me to remain vigilant.

The flight is tomorrow. I'm sure she has a few more tricks up her sleeve beforehand.

Wish me luck. I'll certainly need it.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:03 AM
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I am sure there are more tricks to come too...but you are well prepared.
Now...about her getting on that flight...

I did think the "no pun intended" use of the word staggering was really quite funny.

My sense of humor has saved me in many a twisted moment.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:08 AM
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Good luck.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:19 AM
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[QUOTE=Live;2719286]I am sure there are more tricks to come too...but you are well prepared.
Now...about her getting on that flight...

My sentiments exactly! It's up to me to remain vigilant.

BTW - I must say, I liked the "staggering" pun myself. You're alright!
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Bingo. Same with me. It was such an incredible relief to have my AH in rehab and have a quiet sane home that it forced me to take a whole lot closer look at how low my standards had gotten.
This means a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to reply. :ghug3
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:40 AM
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You sound good, PYU,

It sounds like your mind kinda works the way mine does--it does a lot of "processing" in the background, but when we are ready to move, somehow it becomes very clear what we need to do.

It's important to act when that moment of clarity appears. It's like a window--it's only open for a brief period of time, and if we miss it, it might be awhile before it opens again.

I've lived with two alcoholics and with another person in an unhealthy relationship, and I'm a recovering alcoholic, myself (my own drinking really took off once I wasn't "taking care of" other people anymore). I had moments of clarity when it was time to take a breather from, and to finally walk away from, the relationships and, finally, from the alcohol.

I hope your wife chooses recovery, but you are doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your son. Moreover, allowing your wife to stay would not be assisting her recovery at this point, so no guilt necessary on that score. She can choose to get well in a homeless shelter--that's what it takes for some people. Hopefully it won't get that far, but that's out of your control.

Stick around here, and hope the departure isn't any more painful than it has to be.
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