Kassie2

Today is my wedding anniversary to estranged AH. We work at the same place and two weeks ago I was venting about his lack of acknowledgment of my BD. No eye contact and no talking has been the way he wants all year! Earlier this week I sent the reminder for his part of the bills. Usually he just brings in the check and hands it over without a word. I purposely tried to get this out of the way before today to avoid having contact. But guess what?! He doesn't acknowledge the reminder all week, this morning he walks into my office to apologize for "forgetting" the check and promised to have it tommorrow.
First of all, he never apologizes, second, he never forgets anything, and he was nice about it!

I was shocked and annoyed. Of all days, and I am sure he knew that, he decides to make small contact. A co-worker was handy to calm me down and reminded me that it just shows the ambivalence of it all for both of us. I guess I felt the need to vent here instead of staying in my head all evening or feeling tempted to contact him. I keep thinking this should get easier and at times I think I am getting there when wham! I collapse.

My neighbor is in her fourth year and just D. She was having a meltdown earlier this week - so I sat with her in the backyard on my side of the fence late at night til she was ok and the dog was ok. She has been telling me that it does get easier but they still come up in our minds and mess it all up every once in awhile. I can't imagine still going through this years from now and then again - I am still here.

I just finished redecorating "his room" for my daughter, and deleted his account on the computor and cleaned out whatever other stuff I didn't get rid of before. Now I start worrying what he will say and what we will do if he wants to come back? Whoa!!!! this disease cuts through everything! UGH!

dollydo

If he wants to come back, I'd just say no.

HurtingAgain

I can really relate to how you're feeling. My anniversary is in a few weeks and I'm already dreading the sense of sadness and loss it will bring. It really is a roller coaster of emotions, one minute you're relieved to be rid of the drama and turmoil, and the next minute you're remembering the good times and mourning for all that you've lost. It's so hard to keep your resolve when you still love the man that your husband used to be. I'm still at the point where it's hard to get through the weekend let alone imagining getting through birthdays, holidays, etc. without him. But I guess the fact is I've been living without him for a long time. He left physically a couple of weeks ago, but the man I married has been gone for a long time now. Wow, this disease is so hard to accept...

Live

Kassie,

He did that on purpose and I don't think it is very nice or kind at all.

I think it is a pretty much in your face yank on your heartstrings manipulation.

You know that he lied, right?

Also, I do find it odd that your neighbor is still having such a time 4 years later.
Does she have a program of recovery of any kind?

coyote21

I think you guys must have left too early with all the "missing them" and remembering the "good" times. Not trying to be mean, but maybe you should go back for a "refresher course". IDK.

The reason I say that is because if any one had stayed as long past "leaving time" as I did, and put up with the crap that I did, and suffered the daily, constant, relentless, lying, cheating, yelling, screaming, knife pulling, fist pounding, face scratching, sleep interrupting, life threatening, mean, hateful, sham of a marriage that I did......well I thank my lucky stars/HP/Universe DAILY to be out of that nightmare.

I never wasted one brain cell wishing all that back on myself. Thanks, I'd never considered just how blessed my life has been in this respect.

Also, I don't think I could/would work with my axw. That's WAY more of a beating than I'm willing to take.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Live

yeah, Coyote, I stayed too long too.
My favorite sound now (other than ocean surf) is the sound of my own too loud laugh and I do it alot!
The rest of the time I have a whole lot of peace and quiet and that is so precious to me.

coyote21

It's a well documented fact that LAUGHTER is very healing.

I'm finding humor more and more often, lots of times right here on this forum, and sometimes buried in the most dire/serious threads. Sometimes I almost feel disrespectful, kind of like giggling at a funeral.

But I just can't help myself, I think it's a sign that I'm getting better. I know when I'm "sick", my sense of humor is the first casualty.

I remember my first few weeks in Alanon, there was always, and still is, rounds of hearty laughter. How annoying when I was trying to be in a funk.

I remember thinking, what the hell is wrong with these people, can't they see this is serious business. Ha.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Kassie2

Live -I know he lied and it was manipulative of him. Just getting that reassurance by posting here. I am always surprised how quickly the mind shifts gears and how little it takes. BTW, my neighbor does well most of the time - we both have had excessive bad luck with things falling apart, breaking down, injuries and other losses that just pile up. She has never been on her own before now having gone right from her parents to her exh.

To those that felt they stayed too long - I am probably on my way there but not quite there. I am working hard on avoiding the whole remembering things as they used to be good and putting them in perspective. The good times were very good and the bad were very bad. The only inbetween and really good times were when he was in sobriety which never lasted.

Hurting - While I feel lonely on weekends and nights and holidays - I am trying to remember what they were really like then - IDK what yours were like but mine were often filled with arguing, threats to break up and drunkeness and then the "front" when family arrived. Some weren't so awful but they occurred less. I post here on the holidays and sometimes get on chat here to lessen the loneliness if needed.

Anvil - your bit about the BD card reminded me that people really are paying attention even when I don't feel that way. Thanks!

Live

Kassie, I knew you knew......just validating it.....clarity gets muddled sometimes when that person who knows how best yanks.
I know I sure couldn't have worked with any of mine...or even see them on any kind of regular basis.

Kassie2

Live - Most people don't ask but when we met and things moved forward I did stop to think about how I would feel if it didn't work out. I usually maintain friendships with ex's so it has been an eye opener to have someone not fall into that category. I thought that at worst one of us could leave if needed. As it turns out, co workers are extremely supportive all the way around which helps so much. I can talk to anyone at anytime and they all know his problem. I don't know how he gets to keep his job but he does. What gets hard is avoiding saying anything bad about him to anyone there so I still need to vent here. (I dont' have any family left)

Jadmack25

Quote ((( Now I start worrying what he will say and what we will do if he wants to come back?)))

OMG What???????



That was my thought as well. The answer is NO.

God bless

Kassie2

Whoa! I did mean to say that my husband was going to ask- I was talking about how scary it is to see my own thinking at times... I feel broken sometimes - this has been the second hardest thing to deal with in my life. The process of healing is so slow with me at this point.

missphit

thank you for this view, I know i stayed too long and can't wait to get out!! i already miss the sham of a marriage and have for quite a long time while I have been here, so i'll be glad to hear my own laughter without someone else trying to pull me down!!
i can't wait!

transformyself

You gotta stop the negative thinking.
There's no such thing as bad luck. Bad luck is a frame of mind. We create our reality with our thoughts. It's really all we have, what we believe.

Look-this morning my son who recently changed schools and is now in a public school todl me he was late to Science yetserday because the lunch room supervisors made everyone stay late because some of the kids were being really loud. He said he's having bad luck at this new school.

Me, being the control freak I am, marched right into the lunchroom and asked the elderly black gentleman for his version of the story, so I can understand why my child had to be late for class if others were acting up.

We sat down together. He offered me coffee. He patiently detailed for me the food fight, the disrespectful (to put it mildly) children, the absolute refusal of several 7th graders to not only stop throwing food, but clean it up and stop yelling profanity.

I was horrified by this description.

Now. I could continue to believe my child is having bad luck. That it was a mistake to send him to this school. But I choose to be grateful and believe he's in fact lucky to have someone like this gentleman handling the situation. Overseeing the crowd control in a situation where I would box someones ears.

In a matter of 4 minutes, my reality shifted from thinking my child was unjustly punished to compassion. Gratitude.

Is your situation one of bad luck. or an absence of gratitude?

I also believe you have a choice. I think you should reject the reject.

What are you doing to create the most fantastic, wonderful, exciting, fulfilling life possible? What have you always dreamt of? Travel? Singing? Knitting?

If I lived nearby I'd take you out and make you hike for hours with me, go to the theater. Get dressed up and flirt with strangers in the grocery store.

Make it happen Girl. No one else will.

Kassie2

OK, well today I am over it all! Got into work today, AH handed me the check and started quacking about how I still owe him! I saw everyone looking at us so I just calmly walked to my office to settle myself down. I get that he is probably angry, hurt over the way this relationship has gone as he was fine yesterday and today he flips out?! But plz... keep it private for me!

transform - I don't perceive it as bad luck... things just happen and sometimes at the same time which helps me to just deal with it and move on. Thanks for the explanation as it is a concept that needs repeating often.

Learn2Live

Over the years and thru many relationships and break-ups, I have learned that my version of things is usually rather self-centered. It is so very hard to objectively consider what the other person might be going through, especially when THEY are so obviously, blatantly, sadistically, WRONG. At some point, I realized that my expectations of these men were WAY too high. Once I began taking 100 thousand percent responsibility for me, my feelings, my choices, and my life, I began to see how unfair I had been.

freebuthurting

lol Jadmack.