Opening my heart again
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
what do you guys think about this:
my brother had many date, and a couple of relationships just outta his divorce. he said to me during one of our heart-to-hearts,
"I don't think I can learn to do a healthy relationship by reading a book or going to therapy. I think I have to experience them, learn from them, and continue to become healthier."
we learn experientially, for the most part.
anyone?
my brother had many date, and a couple of relationships just outta his divorce. he said to me during one of our heart-to-hearts,
"I don't think I can learn to do a healthy relationship by reading a book or going to therapy. I think I have to experience them, learn from them, and continue to become healthier."
we learn experientially, for the most part.
anyone?
Some of us don't believe anything but our own misery, others are able to say "whoa, that sucks...I don't want to do that" and not do it.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
At the point I am at I don't need validating by anyone really. I am much happier on my own. It was still nice to get wolf whistled by a hottie in a truck though. A few months ago I would have taken that as an insult but, when it happened a couple of days ago I just thought "yeah - I am looking good - I know"...and smiled at him while thinking "you cheeky sod - I bet your wife deosn't know you go round whistling at other women" I wouldn't touch a man with a bargepole right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not dealing with an ax murderer here... 
In fact, I know people who can attest that this is not an ax murderer. Maybe emotionally needy, though. My typical pick...yeah, I see that.
But if I ACCEPT that there is no long-term goal here, am I still kidding myself? Am I pretending, or keeping the blinders on, lying to myself? I just don't know.
Third-stepping it my mind a lot today. Handing it over, hoping to let it unfold. And if a "most wonderful, amazing, healthy" person arrived on my doorstep, would I recognize them? I think that's what I don't trust myself with...will I actually know how to "do" healthy relationship, how will stop myself from turning them away at the door because I couldn't see it?
Off to work. Good distraction. Thank you, all...I'm still listening and am not trying to be difficult. I think I'm just sorting through another layer, here. I continue to welcome your feedback and ES&H.
posie
PS: freebuthurting, I laughed out loud with your comment about men right now...but wondering, what is a bargepole??
In fact, I know people who can attest that this is not an ax murderer. Maybe emotionally needy, though. My typical pick...yeah, I see that.But if I ACCEPT that there is no long-term goal here, am I still kidding myself? Am I pretending, or keeping the blinders on, lying to myself? I just don't know.
Third-stepping it my mind a lot today. Handing it over, hoping to let it unfold. And if a "most wonderful, amazing, healthy" person arrived on my doorstep, would I recognize them? I think that's what I don't trust myself with...will I actually know how to "do" healthy relationship, how will stop myself from turning them away at the door because I couldn't see it?
Off to work. Good distraction. Thank you, all...I'm still listening and am not trying to be difficult. I think I'm just sorting through another layer, here. I continue to welcome your feedback and ES&H.
posie
PS: freebuthurting, I laughed out loud with your comment about men right now...but wondering, what is a bargepole??
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I see what you're saying now, Posie -- about finally getting to act out a little bit. Hey, nothing wrong with that!!! If you haven't ever just had a fling with a hot but unavailable guy before....then go for it. That's a life experience we all need to have...LOL...but $20 says you're gonna be hurting before it's all said and done. Nothing wrong with that either. You'll live! And next time you'll know how to recognize a hot stove.....maybe. 
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by posiesperson
Maybe emotionally needy, though. My typical pick...yeah, I see that.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Go with your instincts, Posie. The deep in your heart and gut 'thing' that tells you whether this is good for you or not. If your instincts say 'no' then listen to them. If they say 100% 'yes', I can do this without compromising my boundaries, or any part of who I am...then go for it.
If they say 100% 'yes', I can do this without compromising my boundaries, or any part of who I am...then go for it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
So two people are going to use each other? I would prefer my life to be more original by now but its your choice.
Are you OK knowing you may fall in love, while he may be flirting with who knows how many others the same way he is doing with you?
You are going to ask for a STD test and test yourself before and afterwards, right?
Are you OK knowing when you 2 are on it, he may be remembering his x wife?
How would you feel about your ex husband if you knew he was "getting kinky" with someone else after divorcing you?
What would your opinion be, of that woman?
I remembered all the "fun" I have had, and all the "men" I have let touch my body. In the end it was not as "fun".
I feel deep sadness realizing I have felt so totally worthless, outside, inside... that I have not looked after myself and haven't respected myself enough to allow someone WHO GIVES A DAMN, near my heart and near my body and near my mind and near my soul.
I would like to live a more authentic love towards another human being and if I keep losing time, I won't.
At this point in my life I am starting to grasp that I may as well be worth more than crumbs.
I crave the whole bread, and I am looking for the finest bakery for it. I .. am worth it. THEN it will be REAL fun, you know? the one that doesn't leave you crying in the end, the one that really fills my heart. The one that brings me closer to my spiritual self.
I hope this doesn't sound mean, been with an alcoholic, a drug addict, a married man, a stranger on the street, a stranger in a party after I was numbed with a pill. Under a mask of "wild fun" I just destroyed myself.
Are you OK knowing you may fall in love, while he may be flirting with who knows how many others the same way he is doing with you?
You are going to ask for a STD test and test yourself before and afterwards, right?
Are you OK knowing when you 2 are on it, he may be remembering his x wife?
How would you feel about your ex husband if you knew he was "getting kinky" with someone else after divorcing you?
What would your opinion be, of that woman?
I remembered all the "fun" I have had, and all the "men" I have let touch my body. In the end it was not as "fun".
I feel deep sadness realizing I have felt so totally worthless, outside, inside... that I have not looked after myself and haven't respected myself enough to allow someone WHO GIVES A DAMN, near my heart and near my body and near my mind and near my soul.
I would like to live a more authentic love towards another human being and if I keep losing time, I won't.
At this point in my life I am starting to grasp that I may as well be worth more than crumbs.
I crave the whole bread, and I am looking for the finest bakery for it. I .. am worth it. THEN it will be REAL fun, you know? the one that doesn't leave you crying in the end, the one that really fills my heart. The one that brings me closer to my spiritual self.
I hope this doesn't sound mean, been with an alcoholic, a drug addict, a married man, a stranger on the street, a stranger in a party after I was numbed with a pill. Under a mask of "wild fun" I just destroyed myself.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Still Waters
Then, my suggestion would be to buy a...eh...you know, one of those things. Or something.
If that's the part that really wants to run with it, it's not a good idea.
My opinion only..
If that's the part that really wants to run with it, it's not a good idea.
My opinion only..
my opinion only....:rotfxko
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Wow, thanks for your feedback. tjp, HWC: I got some deep-down healing from your words. Something that appealed to my adult self without shaming my kiddo. Thank you for that, it felt so good, and almost like this is the meaning and importance of what my mental gymnastics are all about with regard to this issue. It almost doesn't matter what I actually end up doing, it's the process that's so critical.
bookwyrm, I hear what you're saying about hurting someone else. I keep thinking of "do no harm." That's part of what I'm trying to sort out, it was a good reminder.
TC, I hear you, and I hear your pain. I don't feel like you're being mean, but I do feel some judgement. I asked myself the questions you posed, and for example, I truly don't care what my exH is doing (so long as he's doing it when the kids aren't with him). I sincerely hope he's happy and I'm thrilled that I don't have to live with the man anymore. If I decide to have a "more-than-friendship" and that person is still mentally with their ex, then I feel like that's about their pain and not about me. I am clear that there is a recent breakup and ensuing transitions, and there have been no lies, no deception, no secrets. Maybe that's totally naive of me, I don't know for sure.
That, of course, doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure that I can/will/want to make this relationship anything more than it is right at this moment, which is a platonic friendship with a lot of chemistry. Smokin' chemistry, might I add. I'm trying to not fan the flames and instead to simply "be" with my feelings, thoughts, self-judgements, little kids inside of myself, etc. And I'm trying to sort all of that out from the feelings, thoughts, self-judgements, little kids inside of my family members that I took on as my own, a pattern that has continued through my life. It's time that I figure it out for ME. And if I get hurt in the process, isn't that part of what life is about? No, I'm not thrilled about the prospect of getting hurt, but in the meantime I also gratefully know that I will survive that which I thought would kill me in the past. And I can own my mistakes as mine. In fact, part of me wants to make them and say, "SEE????!!! I can survive this, and own it, and NOT BE ASHAMED OF BEING IMPERFECT anymore, by making different choices than what my family has always EXPECTED me to make." However, that does not mean I want to sabotage myself, or that I want to hurt someone else--because I truly don't. It's all still unfolding.
Somehow, it all feels like triumph tonight, no matter what happens from here.
I am so, so grateful for your words and experiences. And, of course, for your concern and love. I continue to be open to your ES&H as you wish to share...
posie
bookwyrm, I hear what you're saying about hurting someone else. I keep thinking of "do no harm." That's part of what I'm trying to sort out, it was a good reminder.
TC, I hear you, and I hear your pain. I don't feel like you're being mean, but I do feel some judgement. I asked myself the questions you posed, and for example, I truly don't care what my exH is doing (so long as he's doing it when the kids aren't with him). I sincerely hope he's happy and I'm thrilled that I don't have to live with the man anymore. If I decide to have a "more-than-friendship" and that person is still mentally with their ex, then I feel like that's about their pain and not about me. I am clear that there is a recent breakup and ensuing transitions, and there have been no lies, no deception, no secrets. Maybe that's totally naive of me, I don't know for sure.
That, of course, doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure that I can/will/want to make this relationship anything more than it is right at this moment, which is a platonic friendship with a lot of chemistry. Smokin' chemistry, might I add. I'm trying to not fan the flames and instead to simply "be" with my feelings, thoughts, self-judgements, little kids inside of myself, etc. And I'm trying to sort all of that out from the feelings, thoughts, self-judgements, little kids inside of my family members that I took on as my own, a pattern that has continued through my life. It's time that I figure it out for ME. And if I get hurt in the process, isn't that part of what life is about? No, I'm not thrilled about the prospect of getting hurt, but in the meantime I also gratefully know that I will survive that which I thought would kill me in the past. And I can own my mistakes as mine. In fact, part of me wants to make them and say, "SEE????!!! I can survive this, and own it, and NOT BE ASHAMED OF BEING IMPERFECT anymore, by making different choices than what my family has always EXPECTED me to make." However, that does not mean I want to sabotage myself, or that I want to hurt someone else--because I truly don't. It's all still unfolding.
Somehow, it all feels like triumph tonight, no matter what happens from here.
I am so, so grateful for your words and experiences. And, of course, for your concern and love. I continue to be open to your ES&H as you wish to share...
posie
Last edited by posiesperson; 09-24-2010 at 10:03 PM. Reason: typo
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