Redheadsusie

I guess I know the answer to my own question. Question is - Is Losing Control of your Bowels or just not caring if you go on the floor and then acting like it is nothing ever normal behavior? I am so ashamed that I would even write about this but tonight the dog and I walked thru the laundry roon to go out in yard for the last time of the night like we always do around 10:30 and naked AH is in there and the room smells like holy crap - literally- and he is loading the washer at 10:30 at night. He had been in bed for an hour as he went on boat at 4 and stays until no more beer is left . I ask him what he is doing cause he looks confused and I questioned the stench and was told I was a bitch and it was nothing. I was told I do nothing for him and mumble mumble mumble Ok - I think I know if something smells up the whole house. He then walks thru house buck naked goes in bathroom makes all kinds of commotion - soils the carpet in there somehow - I check on him which I should not do I know but thought something was wrong and get yelled at again. Why do I even try. Why do I keep thinking 1 day he will say Sue I love you - lets hang out and I won't get tanked for 1 night. Just one. After 11 years - that day is more than likely not coming and with my boys both at college this year- I am here all alone with that drunk. God give me strength - I need to concentrate on my own healing - he is a very sick man and will fight for that alcohol till the end- what a sad disease - what a sad life for him. Alcoholism sucks the life out of families.

suki44883

Well, it sounds like a pretty sad life for you, too. Are you happy or even content living like that? Is there some reason why you put up with being treated like that and dealing with a man who treats you so badly? You don't deserve that, you know.

kia

is this what happens to them all cos they all seem to mirror each other i mean ive heard they wet themselves but not that as well and my exabf was already at the stage of wetting himself cos he told me thank god hes someones elses problem now xx

missphit

I agree with Suki, you don't have to live like that! I am finally figuring that out after 20 years. what you describe is only normal for an active alcoholic and i have been in a very similar situation with mine...it is too sad for me to see anymore and i refuse to be THAT woman...you have choices and you deserve to be happy....Please take care of you and do what you need to in order to feel safe and good about yourself. Nothing we do can save our AHs. it is a journey they must take alone.....i see that now, i didn't cause it, can't cure is and most definitely can't control it! i've wasted too much energy over the last 20 years trying. It is my time now!! I hope you can find some peace from this all.

freebuthurting

Oh goodness.
No-one deserves to live like that. No-one.

Still Waters

Yep, it is the progression. I remember the morning I found the poop filled underwear on the kitchen counter (never happened according to my AH).

Love isn't enough.

Jadmack25

I cleaned up the vomit, (gallon of red wine) changed sheets, bedding and washed my XAH bum, till I refused. Found some nasty objects in weird places before I finally went.

Seemed to me, the more he lost control of his body, the more he drank to forget it all. Boy, was that a recipe for dump and run.

That is still a deal breaker for me, if caused by drink.....I no longer clean up drunks.

L let XAH sit in stained clothes with his head jammed in a bucket the last time, (I had cleaned bed etc twice already) and it sure gave my girls and boyfriends a wake up call.

2 weeks later, I marched out with flags flying, muttering "nothing I can do" as a mantra.
Hope you get free of the misery of watching a once so loved one, go down the plughole.

God bless

sesh

Sorry you have to go through this. It is tough. But I'm afraid nothing you can do to change that, except from removing yourself from that madness.

Still, I'd like to say something I've learned from my own experience. Him not stopping drinking and not trying to make things right has nothing to do with love, only with addiction. And the reason he is acting angry with you IMHO is shame. Also when they reach that stage where they can't control their bodily functions, most often their brain is affected by toxins as well, so thier actions and behaviors don't make much sense. That is the terrible nature of this disease, but it is not personal. The way he is acting to you has nothing to do with you, I'm afraid. It is just another level of his struggle and addiction.

I'm not saying any of this as an excuse for his behavior, but since I understood these things myself, my pain bacame lesser. It brought me closer to acceptance, and further from anger and resentment. It gave me peace and I decided I can no longer live with my AH (now recovering) any more. But this decision at that time, since I've reached acceptance came from a different place than any other time before. It was based on reality, and wasn't guided by my hurt but my common sense. It didn't even feel like a choice, it just felt like something I have to do. (Since than he has started working on his recovery and we are back together - but only for as long as he stays true to his recovery).
Take care

Still Waters

Oh yeah Jadmack - I changed sheets several times a night some nights. The mound of laundry was staggering. I bathed him when he was in the hospital for alcohol related issues. I'm the one who cleaned the toilet when he "missed", who did all the household chores while he "recovered" from alcohol related surgeries.

But, in the end, I "deserted" the poor baby..

Sesh, it's important to realize that many of the things they do aren't personal, but when you live with it, it IS BEING DONE TO YOU. Some of us need to get angry to get moving, and get out of these horrible living situations.

Learn2Live

It has nothing to do with whether or not this is normal behavior. It seems you are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense to any of us. Yes, this is a disease and it is progressing and unfortunately has progressed to the point that he is in what I am hereafter going to refer to as, "The Poop Stage," as so many F&F posters have revealed the particulars of this stage to us.

I have learned it is not my responsibility to fix the problem or take care of the person. It sounds like you have too. The trick for me has been in learning how to have compassion for the person without feeling sorry for them. For me, that has partially meant becoming aware of how I judge others, and then preventing myself from doing that.

It sounds to me like he was very embarrassed about what is happening to his body. He is likely in so much denial that he cannot see that his choice to continue drinking is what is causing him this poop problem. Compassion, to me, would not be to help him clean it up, or advise him how to prevent it, but simply to not mention the smell or complain about it when it is happening because it embarrasses and/or shames him. In addition, it is important that you recognize that THIS is what you have decided to live with. What this means to me, in my Recovery, is I take 100%of the responsibility for MY OWN decisions. I continuously have to shift my focus AWAY from the obscene behavior of the other person and focus on the fact that I have choices, and this is the choice I have made. Then, I look for alternatives.

The true question for you is, IMO, is this the kind of life you want to live? Because alcoholism is progressive and, until he decides to stop and get help, this is going to get worse. StillWaters and Jadmack have attested to this. For a description of late-stage alcoholism and its effects on the bowels, please search for CashFan's posts.

sesh

I guess so, I understand anger is a great motivator for some people, but for me it is just the opposite. When I'm angry I want to fight back, and to me moving away doesn't qulify as fighting back (in my twisted mind). Anger is the thing that keeps me stuck, I feel angry because the wrong has been done to me, and I need to react to that, so I'm on roller coaster again. The thing that helped me move forward is understanding, acceptance, sadness. I'm not saying this is the rule, only that it works for me. Also, I find it is personal only as much as we let it to be. Kind of it is not personal, but we can't escape being affected by it.
IDK I guess I had to go all the way down that line: see my RAH nearly dieing to finally see it has nothing to do with me. That kind of thing really put everything into the perspective for me, how many things I was mistaken about, and how dilusional I was in so many ways, and how I should have walked away years ago (but at the time I didn't know better, so no point in beating myself about it).
My opinion is use whatever emotion works for you, just get the hell out of there.

Pelican

Yes, your A has reached the "poop stage".

Based on personal experience, if you try to convince your A that alcohol is the cause - the A will deny alcohol is the cause. It will be blamed on stomach flu, or spicy food.

Pissing the bed - blamed on Nyquil.

Vomitting - food poisoning.

nodaybut2day

Redheadsuzie...this isn't a marriage, it's a twisted and abusive nursing home. You don't have a partner anymore.

IDK, I've cleaned up my baby's pee, poop, spit up, snot, eye gunk--you name it, but that's because she's too little to do it herself. Your AH, on the other hand, has chosen to revert back to the uncaring (abusive) incontinent state of infancy SO HE CAN KEEP DRINKING.

What`s your next step Suzie? You don't deserve to live like this.

Still Waters

Ripping the side window off the car on a mailbox - Novocain.

Live

It is normal to run around buck naked and poo on the floor when you are a year old and haven't yet been potty trained....but after that, why, you can't even go to preschool unless you've got that down real good.

freebuthurting

Can I assume from this thread then - that relatively frequent vomitting and loose bowels are connected with the progression of alcoholism? My AH complained of both of these a lot though nothing like the horrors that have been described in this thread.
Its incredibly how often they self diagnose isn't it? The best one I ever heard from my AH was that he was suffering from dehydration and needed to be on a drip. I couldn't seem to get it into his head that dehydration can be cured by drinking water - unless one is actually practically unconscious - which he wasn't.

kia

omg how did u know yes he does this all of it do they all do the same thing then and whats next cos what stage is this then cos i remember all the times hes has tummy upsets and been very sick and that was fairly recently and has been increasingly getting worse cos it used to be every few months before we broke up he had a bout of it a few days before i got there then was ok for about 5 then it was back again only worse its gonna kill him isnt it

Bolina

Yes, this is a feature of heavy drinking. Mt ex often complained of loose bowels and even used to take Immodium regularly. He would also pee himself a lot and just try and brazen it out. He was a charasmatic and professional looking individual and he certainly got away without anyone mentioning it. In the months before I left, I would put a towel on the drivers seat if I needed to use his car and on the passenger seat of mine if he was going to be in it. I told him the reason why if he asked and he denied it but didn't try and stop me. It's amazing, looking back, how low my bottom got before I left.

What's your bottom going to be? If you'll pardon the pun.

kia

sorry i did have to smile at that hes gone off with another woman but i hadnt reached it when he left now i think maybe i have i dunno but i still worry about him cant help that i still love him despite what hes done hes sick thats the bit i gotta remember and that bad with the drink atm i dont think he knows what way is up and shes apparently fun to be with she dont stop him drinking she encourages it wonder how long she will stick arond once he starts pooping himself cos its already started only matter of time before he cant control it wonder how long she will think this is fun for and does a runner but he made this bed im just sitting back now to watch his choice xx

Redheadsusie

Wow-All these posts made me grateful that I have this sight and sorry that other people struggle with this issue. I don't know what my bottom will be - My Mom died in February on my birthday- my Dad has Stage 4 Cancer and it is progressing - he lives alone and is actively drinking too. I got Heat Stroke at the beach in June and almost died - ended up in ICE and had a damn seizure -WTH? My sodium was so low it was ridiculous. I am 46 and very healthy - I thought. It was nuts but AH stepped up and was great and took care of me and tells everyone he almost lost me and it was a wakeup call for him - Not so much - it seems. Then my boys both left for college this Fall at Virginia Tech - so I am empty nester . They are 5 hours away! My whole point is this year has sucked a royal nut. Absolutely awful. I am a realtor- doing fine - work really hard but the market is - well you know poopy~ I do pay most of the bills 80% - but am afraid to be on my own - I need to work on that. He now does nothing for me - I am afraid if I got sick again - which my doctor says I am healthy and not to worry- I don't want to be alone. But if he is poopin the floor and blacking out how could he help me. I have tried to go back to my faith and am relying on that and feel a little better. I have major codependent issues - major - so I am trying to work on me but the more I do - the more we grow apart . He is so full of hate and I know it is not personal but when you are called stupid and all kinds of other names constantly how do you not. His Mom is my lifesupport and if I leave him- I lose her and I don't know if I can lose someone else that important to me right now. I miss my Mom so much even though she was so sick - she was My Mom. I have already lost AH really - he is a shell of a man. I am a strong person - I raised my boys myself and they are my life and they adore me and call me every day and text me all the time and for that I am so grateful I can't tell you. I have obviously done something really right to have them in my life. I figure I can't have it all.