Eight Ball

You are completely right. This is what I do all the time, still hanging on to the dream of what could be. Things get too bad all the time, that I have to leave. I tell him so. He then pulls the 'we have nothing in common' line and I then have to tell him how much we do have in common and it pulls me back in. I also spend a lot of time looking for a way out, so that I can stay (if that makes sense) the last time was telling myself that I hadnt tried just ignoring his drinking, perhaps this would work - it didnt. Perhaps if I have a room of my own that I could retreat to, that might work - it didnt! I was kidding myself trying to hold on to the dream.

I say this over and over again - we all come to SR from different places, yes we all have alcoholics in common, but all the other 'factors' are completely individual. I dont know why I have continued to stay: but I do. Maybe it comes from self esteem issues, living with a verbally abusive AH, fear, iscolation from family and friends, who knows. I just know that I have to make my own journey to getting well again and at my own pace but really feel that I am on the road to recovery, however slow.

I post on this site because hopefully someone reading sometime can relate to what I have to say, about what I went through, my journey, my story. I also love reading about other peoples strengths and journeys too. I know that noone in my circle of friends truly knows what I go through living with an AH apart from those that have been through it too and thats what I get from this website and Al-anon.

LaTeeDa

I know exactly what you mean and remember how hard I tried to keep that dream from dying. That's why I posted what I did.

I know that nothing I say changes your process and the things you need to go through to get to the point of "enough." Nothing anybody said to me would have gotten me to that point any sooner. That's what makes me sad. That it has to get so bad and hurt so much before we finally get the courage to do what we need to do. I understand, I really do.

FWIW, I am seeing a nice life and a great retirement in my future. And it's all the better since it's all about me and what I want to do. Take some time to get to know yourself and figure out what you really want. (without the limitation of including him in it) You might be surprised.

L

missphit

just want to say that after being married to an alcoholic for 20 years, i'm throwing our "pretend" future away too.....i feel just as you do, but no longer sad becasue i see him becoming more and more interested in drinking and less and less able to be married, trustworthy and making healthy decisions. the future we planned is a fantasy, because i am making healthy choices and he is making choices that will probably kill him or make him sick so we won't be able to travel and do the things we hoped....I hope you can realize you can do all those things yourself and you DO have choices. I'm packing and preparing to start all over again at 55! not what the AH and I planned, but what could I have been thinking to trust an alcoholic and make plans like that anyway? I want to be in charge of my own destiny, so that is what i am doing, finally. better late than never! good for you for taking care of yourself....enjoy it, because you deserve it.

kia

i can identify with the fact that no one gets what its like been with an alcoholic unless u been with one most think well just leave simple as but its not that simple i think we the ppl involved with them have as much problems living with them as they have doing the drinking only difference is were aware of the problems and live them, they live in a fog of drink just my confused thoughts xxx

Eight Ball

Thanks Missphit, my pshychotherapist used to say exactly the same thing about it being a pretend future and also that the past was a lie. I can totally relate to him not making healthy choices and maybe not even being able to do the things we planned due to alcoholic illness. His dad died an alcoholic with heart disease and a stroke at the age of 65 just after he retired and my AH was told by his doctor earlier this year that he was a ticking time bomb. My aH denial is so bad at them moment that he believes that Alcoholism has been made up by the Americans to sell books!

One of my Al-anon ladies who has been attending for over 20 yrs is still married to her AH, although peacefully and he now has a form of dementia brought on by the drinking and she is 'caring' for him and is struggling not to be resentful about that. I also have a work collegue whos husband was a heavy smoker and cant walk more than a few paces and hasnt worked for the past 10 yrs or so and she is due to retire soon and I think what sort of retirement are they going to have.

My best friend is always telling me that lifes too short and we only get one chance etc, she also has to remind me sometimes that I am a strong woman who can do this. I start dreaming about owning a boat on my own and geting out and about on it, or travelling Australia on my own, no reason why I cant. I sometimes go camping on my own now anyway and have even been known to go to rock concerts on my own. Somedays I really feel positive about my future, my own destiny but then I have a down day, and yesterday was one of those for me. Today I have just got back from an Al-anon meeting and feeling much more postive.

Good for you too by the way, you have switched on to it all much quicker than me. I hope we can both post a thread about our new healthy, positive lives in the not too distant future.

Live

You CAN do those things.
A few years back I moved to Argentina for 7 months.
I just had a few things to prove to myself and needed that adventure.
I didn't even speak the language when I went.
I am really proud of that experience and I still don't know what my "proving things" was all about....but I am getting insights.

missphit

we will...i know it is part of my plan and i'm making it happen as i pack my things and each day see a crying alcoholic trying to stay strong. I love him, but i love me more and i know it is the best thing for both of us! I deserve the peace and adventure and freedom from blame and so do you! i look forward to sharing this journey with all of you...this forum is priceless in its wisdom and warmth. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I never really feel alone because of it. I know that someone, somewhere feels what i'm feeling and that is a precious gift! thank you!:ghug3

Deesire

It's true, we all do things in our time, and that's the way it should be. I know I thought long and hard before leaving my XAS and when I finally did, I felt pretty confidant that I actually had tried as hard as I could and given it my all, so that I meant I was able to walk away without (much) doubt or regret. There's a lot to be said for that.