Lola1024

Hi guys,

As you know my mom has terminal cancer that is progressing pretty fast and I am headed back home again soon.

My question is about my daughter. I have not seen or heard from her in several years since when my step father died. I don't talk about her much cause it is too darn painful really. She is / was a drug user and most probably an alcoholic. She is a super chronic manipulator and liar. She lives (I think) about 90 miles from my mom.

Since I know mom is probably not going to be around long ... do I attempt to contact my daughter and let her know? It would bring pain and stress to have her around if she came there BUT still. She was very close to my mom growing up. All I can see in my head is her making cookies with grandma ... that little girls heart would break if she could not say goodbye.

But my daughter made a choice to cut herself off from the family so is this just a consequence? I think probably so. But still I see that little girl with grandma. Ughhhh. She is 25 now and not a little girl. I am want the dang 20 years back so we can make more cookies. Not going to happen.

What to do ? My logic saying do nothing about contact ... heart says differently.

justjo

Hey Lola
Sorry about your mum :ghug3

I have been through death in my family. For me, when my sister was alive and an alcoholic, I gave her the respect she deserved and let her know that my aunt was dying from cancer as they were close too. No one wanted her around (you know, scared of the unknown) but in times of grief, she acted respectfully towards everyone at the time. When my aunt passed away, no one wanted my sister at the funeral either (you know, scared of the unknown) but she was fine and I still treated my sister with respect.

No one can tell you what to do, but I think at times like this - there shouldnt be any consequences. Your daughter is human after all.
JJ

coyote21

Maybe you could let your "little girl" know, you know the one that used to bake the cookies?

I forgot for a long time my axw's "humanity", as I was detaching to protect myself.

I believe what Jo said is very important, sometimes we should "suspend" the consequences.

Thanks and God blessus all,
Coyote

Lola1024

Thanks for your input on this. I have been pondering what to do all morning while packing and still have no clear path in my head on what to do. So tough because the history is so rotten - I did a complete 4th step on this a couple of years back and decided I would not pursue further contact and decide only if she contacted me then I would respond at that time.

Do I want to bring that stuff back to the family at this time... theft, drugs and some pretty crazy behavior. I could think it to death and get nothing but old bones dug up and no clear direction.

Two players need to have input....

1. My mother - does she even want to say goodbye? She may not considering the history. My mother has been telling me for years to detach and lose the expectations that my daughter will ever be different than she is. Hope is one thing but inviting toxicity is another. Esp after my daughters behavior at my step dad's wake.

2. HP - if HP wants this to happen then I need some clear signals. Sky writing preferred. Barring that perhaps my daughter could call grandma herself.


Just got a call with our care options to decide on. Not real good. I need to be prepared to ask mom if she wants to live or not - at this point dialysis will be considered life support and the pain from her bones will continue. Kinda puts it all back in perspective for today. I have a ton of stuff to worry about with mom's care, the property, the renters, my brother and the money. Focusing on facilitating something for an addict probably need not be the focus. Sounds harsh but the hallmark card isn't going to happen. The cookies are gone.

kiki5711

Sorry about your mom and your daughter.

Have you heard anything about your daughter at all in the past two years? from anyone?

chicory

Lola,

((((hugs))))

I don't have any answers- I am not the best at choices.

Just want you to know that I am sending you a hug, and wish you all strength and comfort.

Just take care of you, and your momma. If HP wants different, it will be.

I understand. I have a granddaughter, who made cookies with me, too. I know my daughter would feel the same as you are, should we have the same situation.

big hugs hon.

chicory

JenT1968

I'm so sorry about your mum. I don't know what is the right thing to do, would you be able to ask your mum whether she wants to see AD?

Do you want to do this for your mum? for your daughter? are there some "shoulds" here, affecting your thinking?

Sadly some people do use times when vulnerable family members are in pain to further their own ends. Only you really know how likely that is, I'm sure you will make the right decison. I'm sorry this extra burden is weighing you down at this emotional time. take care.

Lola1024

Thanks guys - you know HP can have this one. I decided if I want to let her know something then I will call her dad. We have not spoken in years much either but letting him know seems like the best option - he can tell her the news if he has access.

And yes she has called my mom a couple of times in the last five years so she has the numbers for mom.

Shoulds, expections, judgements all the happy codie stuff I have is not really under control right now. My emotions are all stirred up and crazy. Best choice when I get like that. Zip it.

SoloMio

I am so very sorry about your mother.

One of my favorite phrases is... "detach yourself from the results" which may apply here. I think you should do what you believe is the right thing to do, and try not to project the outcome. The right thing might be "tell her" and it might be "don't tell her"--only you can look inside and determine that. But don't let projections of the consequences of that action determine what you do.

God bless you through this difficult time.