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First Thread: My girlfriend needs help!!!

Old 09-21-2010, 12:46 PM
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First Thread: My girlfriend needs help!!!

Hi
I've viewed some of the threads on here and my situation seems somewhat tame compared to some of the heartbreaking stories some of you have posted. I never knew what alcoholism truly was until I fell in love with an alcoholic. My gf and I have been together a year(I'm 40 she is 34). I knew she was a drinker. This is something that she has struggled with for about ten years. However, I wanted to take a chance due to the fact that she is a wonderful, good hearted person. I also thought I could make a difference. I'm now thinking I thought wrong.

We have great sober times, but ultimately she falls and can't seem to get through a week without a drink. It's been nearly 4 weeks since we had our last drink together and I don't really know what else to do. I drink socially, but have told her on more than one occasion that I would quit with her. Her drinking is affecting our relationship and more importantly, her relationship with her 2 sons (ages 11 and 14). They are good kids and they certainly don't want me to give up, but I just don't know what else to do. I have offered to get her treatment. I have suggested meetings, church, etc. She's been in AA (summer 2009 being the most recent) and she just does not believe they help. I don't get mad at her when she drinks. I understand it's a disease. I just get disappointed, depressed, sad. It's causing me mental anguish and I wanna help her, but she has got to want help. I refuse to enable her. Her friends will text me from a bar saying she is too drunk to drive and I will not respond. Yet if something happened to her driving home, I would feel just devastated.

I was considering inviting her and her sons to live in my house. That seems like the next logical step in our relationship, however it would not be logical if she continues to drink. I don't want to come home from work to a drunk. I don't want her coming home and passing out in our bed. Yet on the other hand, I'm considering giving her an ultimatum, either she gets help or I'm gone. I would be willing to go to the meetings with her. I would go to church. I would do anything for her because when she is sober, it's worth it. She is afraid.

I have tried being mean (when she would show up drunk for our nightly walks, I would send her home), I have tried tough love (pouring out beers), I have tried sympathy (hugs and consoling), I have tried shame (bringing up her children). I have very strong feelings for her, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. I don't want to give up on her, but.....She has negative influences in her life. People she considers friends, who will just show up, wanting her to party. I know if she moved in with me, I feel confident I could keep them away, but I just don't think it would be worth the fight
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:56 PM
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WHOA!! Unless you are prepared to have all that chaos under your roof, do not move her into your home...especially if you are already considering walking away. She will not stop drinking until she is ready and there's nothing you can say or do that will make her ready. Until drinking makes her more miserable than getting help, then she will continue to drink.

Welcome to SR. Keep reading around the forum. There are many stories very similar to yours. We are here to support you.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by memphis View Post
I was considering inviting her and her sons to live in my house. That seems like the next logical step in our relationship, however it would not be logical if she continues to drink.
Aieee! You're bang on there memphis. Inviting her into your home = inviting the chaos she brings with her into your life, in a very permanent and "hard to undo" way.

Ask me how I know...I invited my then-ABF (alkie boyfriend) and his two songs to come live with me, because, hey, I had an empty room in my apartment, and he was leaving his wife,...how convenient. Wait, no, you mean, how CRAZY.

I thought I was going to fix him, save him, give him that chance that all those other women never gave him, etc etc. He moved in, our relationship progressed, he kept drinking and doing drugs, I become surrogate mommy to his boys, ....he spent all my money....I started stripping to support us all....we got married,....had a baby....more drinking/drugging ensued. Real romantic story huh?

Please take some time to consider what this relationship brings to you. You simply cannot separate the "drunk her" from the "sober her". They are one and the same person. Are you willing to accept her, fully, as she is today? Because that's the only person she's willing to be right now.

I hope you keep reading and posting here on SR. You'll learn that:
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking.

Whether or not she chooses to find recovery is her own decision. Nothing you say or do (or don't say or don't do) will influence her. You're not that powerful! The only thing you have power over is yourself.

Originally Posted by memphis View Post
I know if she moved in with me, I feel confident I could keep them away, but I just don't think it would be worth the fight
Trust your instincts. It is not your job to shield her from the consequences of her choices.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:45 PM
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Yeah, i agree with your points. I'm trying to look at this objectively, but it's difficult. Its even more difficult when yer heart is involved. I care about this person....a lot. It's difficult to give up on her. At the same time, it's difficult to continue on.
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:53 PM
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how badly is it affecting her relationship with her children and their care. is it to the point where they could stay with you, on a temporary basis
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by shegirl View Post
how badly is it affecting her relationship with her children and their care. is it to the point where they could stay with you, on a temporary basis
Well, they seem to 'manage'. I mean it's not healthy. She used to go to the bar and leave them in the house....ALONE. She has managed to lose that terrible habit. It got real bad last year and she was basically forced into AA by her ex-husband, otherwise she would have lost her kids. I think if her sons were to stay with anyone, it would be him. He seems like a genuinely caring father.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:07 PM
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If you were to leave the relationship, do you think she would go back to leaving them alone while she goes to the bar? If you feel they would be in danger or be neglected, you could always tell the father what is going on.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:08 PM
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Memphis, this thing is progressive. It will get worse, much much worse.

She doesn't want to quit. Her talk about AA not helping is all blah blah blah so she can continue to drink. She has no intention (at this time) of quitting drinking. Period.

As I see it, you can either let go or get dragged. Just know that nothing you do will stop her from drinking.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
If you were to leave the relationship, do you think she would go back to leaving them alone while she goes to the bar? If you feel they would be in danger or be neglected, you could always tell the father what is going on.

i literally just sent him an email and asked if there was anything that may have helped in her past. he knows what is going on.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:16 PM
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Okay then, the kid issue is covered. Now, you are free to decide what it is you truly want and focus on yourself. She is beyond your control.
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:58 PM
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HER EX SENT ME THIS:

Well that's what we all want to know. She did not really drink until she had one foot out the door with me. I thought it was because of the guilt. Problem is it never stopped. Over the years every time her and Cory broke up it gets worse. She is punishing herself because things have not went her way. It is her escape. Her family and I over the years have tried everything to get her to stop and she will fir a little at a time. She doesn't believe she has a problem. The more you tell her not to do something the more she will do it because she refuses to be told what to do. I have taken the boys from her twice and no telling how many times her parents have because they protect her from me. She's very good a lying and will convince you she is better and then let you down again. She needs professional help but want get it because she is affraid I will take the boys from her if she ommits it. I hate to say it but she will have to hit rock bottom before she will get the help she needs. I just pray the kids are not with her when she does and I wish no harm to her either. I am not a drinker so it's hard for me to understand it all. I just know she will do whatever, whenever she wants and nobody will stop her. The more you push the more she will. Good luck.

I THINK THE PART ABOUT HER BEING AFRAID TO LOSE HER CHILDREN IF SHE GETS HELP IS CRITICAL AND MAYBE HOLDING HER BACK?????
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:27 PM
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I THINK THE PART ABOUT HER BEING AFRAID TO LOSE HER CHILDREN IF SHE GETS HELP IS CRITICAL AND MAYBE HOLDING HER BACK?????
No. I don't think so at all. Recovering alcoholics are the most catered to group of 'diseased' people on the planet. Just read the stories here about grandparents trying to get grandkids while the drunken or drugged up parent lies to the court about going to meetings or in rehabs.

If she were truly worried about losing her children due to her drinking, SHE WOULD STOP DRINKING.
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:58 PM
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If dad is fully capable of taking care of his kids then it is up to him to make sure his kids are safe and well cared for (not YOUR job btw). I think the threatening to lose her kids road is tricky esp if there is a participating (and sober!) father in the picture.

NONE of this is your job or responsibility. You really should reconsider the moving in idea. It will be as everyone here points out, inviting chaos into your life. Maybe participating in Al-anon or consulting a therapist before you make any decisions is the best approach.

It is understandable that you are concerned since you love the person but think of it this way: she has a disease. You have neither the training or resources to treat or cure her. If she had any other disease and wasn't trying to get well you would not be able to manage her at home. You would be fatigued and exhausted as well as emotionally, financially and physically drained. It isn't any different living with an alcoholic refusing treatment.

Keep talking to folks here!! It helps!

bb
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:22 PM
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I agree with everything everyone is telling you. One other thing to consider. If she moves in with her boys, how do you kick her AND them out? You might have the heart to send her on their way, but would you have the heart to kick them out of "their" new home? Better for them to stay where they are, and let their dad look out for their well-being, than uproot them twice.

I see absolutely no readiness on this woman's part to quit drinking. And if she hasn't lost her kids while she's drinking, she isn't going to lose them because she's in treatment.

You sound like a nice, caring person--just like all of us are. And you can't "save" her any more than any of us have been able to "save" the alcoholics in our lives.
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:50 PM
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Welcome, sorry that you are in this situation.

As others have posted, this is a progressive disease. Believe it or not, when it comes down to the bottom line, even the possibility of losing her children will not make her stop. She has to want recovery more than anything else in life, that includes you.

Personally I think Babyblue has said it all.

Please rethink this whole relationship. Read the stickys, read others posts. it will help.
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Old 09-21-2010, 05:45 PM
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One thing that helps me when I start thinking crazy 'maybe we can live together!!!' thoughts with my ABF is when I look at the current reality of his life. My stray cat was in better shape when I found him. I had to let go of the fantasies I had that his will 'snap' out of it with my love and support. Not gonna happen. Plus Ive worked very hard for what I have to let him run amuck in my life unless is serious about recovery.

And I hate to point this out to you but they are a manipulative crafty bunch and I know my ABF hand picked me to be the gal who would put up with lots of stuff, possibly provide him with a home etc etc since he knew how bad he really was. He did a great job convincing me that he was much stronger than he is. I bought it. I love him to pieces, have no intention of ending things but will not even consider living together until he gets his sh*t together. Honestly he respects me way more because of it. He is smart enough to know it will do more damage for him to latch onto me instead of facing his recovery on his own. Please please think carefully about that step. It is the next logical step in a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship but not when you are dating an alcoholic. All that logic and stability is replaced by Bizarro Town, Crazyville USA.
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Old 09-21-2010, 07:39 PM
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Welcome to S/R, Memphis.

I hope you will continue to come to this forum, read and post as often as you like. Please believe me, although it may feel as if your own special love is unique, it is probably quite a lot like many of us have had, and gone through. It is incredibly painful to LOVE someone with this affliction.
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Old 09-22-2010, 08:57 AM
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thank you for your replies.

last night my girlfriend told me she was pregnant....
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Old 09-22-2010, 09:02 AM
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Wow. Are you sure she really is pregnant? What about her drinking? What now?
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Old 09-22-2010, 09:13 AM
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