akrasia

Dear Corkie,

He's drinking. There is no earthly way someone can have alcohol on their breath if they haven't ingested it.

***
You know that story about the guy who hires a private investigator to find out once and for all whether his wife is having an affair? He doesn't want to believe it, but he can't help the creeping suspicion. After a week of investigating, the private eye meets with the husband and shows him the evidence he's gathered: letters between his wife and another guy, photos of his wife and the other guy out dancing, then photos of them going to a motel, then photos of the two of them through the motel window in their underwear, then a photo of the wife pulling down the shade...

"Argh," says the husband. "See what I mean? The uncertainty is killing me! If only I had PROOF!"

I like that story because who hasn't been in that position? It takes a while to face an awful truth.

But to answer your question:

if I trust my gut and walk away from this...what if I'm wrong?

Let's say--hypothetically--you walk away just as he really is around the corner from total recovery. It doesn't have to be black or white. You might leave, get busy with your own things, and then maybe in six months or a years time he'll show up, all happy and healthy and recovered, and you two can make another go of it. Stranger things have happened.

Or he won't recover and he'll just find someone else to lie to, and it won't be your problem anymore...

LexieCat

My ex claimed the alcohol smell on his breath was from eating apples.

Hoo-boy.

Jadmack25

Forget the worry about "what if I am wrong and I walk away", because the chance of you being wrong is very, very small.......think instead of "what if I trust my gut, what if I am right, and I DON'T walk away".

You will stay with a lying, manipulating drunk and life will be miserable for you.

I also believe if it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck ........then it IS a duck.

If he looks like he has been drinking, and SMELLS of drink, HE HAS BEEN DRINKING.

Now it is up to you to decide what your response is to be, to his lies and breaking of your boundaries.

Corkie

This really resignated with me. Thank you for making me see the flip side.

Between him and I...we're finished now. We had been finished a few times prior and always came back to each other. I was trying to learn to trust him again, this was our final go around.
I cannot trust him. At all. I tried (and tried and tried and tried, almost 4 years worth..) and nothing is changing.
I cannot live my life with someone whom I cannot have the utmost trust in. And I cannot ever live my life with someone who has an addiction of any kind. I can't and I won't. For my sake, for my kids' sake.....I have to jump off of this spinning merry-g-round. Sure the landing might endure a bruise or scrape...but those heal. A lifetime with a liar is sure to debilitate me if I let it, and I will not let it.

I think the mistake I made last time (other than trusting him) was that I stopped coming here. Thinking "oh, he seems SO much better, there's no need to go back to SR" WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Coming here for me is as much about MY healing as it is about HIM getting help for himself.

I almost miss my old 'handle' of Elsie. Not sure if I should go back to it, or stay with this one being that it's a new phase of recovery for me.

Just wanted to say a big to everyone who replied! I had forgotten how much it helps to have the words and wisdom of people who know what I'm going through.
Feeling like you're going crazy is very lonely. I feel stronger and content knowing you're all in my corner.

Corkie

I wasn't going to post this, because quite frankly I'm sick to death of the whole situation.
But I think this is an important message to get through to everyone in here who still doubts themselves.
That message is TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!!!!!!

I recieved an email from him last night. I was going to copy/paste the whole thing here in anger, but that won't get me anywhere. Instead I feel calm, content and vindicated that I am NOT crazy.
The first 2 words in his email were "I lied"
Then went on to tell me when he drank and how sorry he was and how he's going to change for good this time....blah blah blah blah blah!
I've been dealing with this crap a long time. If you remember "Elsie"...that was me. So, I'm done. He cannot be trusted. He simultaniously broke my two boundaries. I told myself if he lies or drinks I'm outta here.....and he did both.
I can with 100% certainty tell you all, and this is my promise to you (My SR family) and my own family, that I will NEVER be in a relationship with him ever again. We share a son, so for our son's sake I must have a friendship with him, but it will never go beyond that.

You know, I started to doubt myself a little bit. Because he was adament that he didn't drink. Someone here mentioned diabetes could be the cause of smelling like alcohol, and he brought that up to me saying he had been to the Dr and is being tested for diabetes as well as cholesteral levels etc. So, I started to think I was wrong. I started to struggle against my gut. I am SO glad I stuck to my guns and trusted myself!!
Imagine if I had of believed him, and trusted him like he asked me to. He could have kept drinking, and lying...and OMG...my life would have been a disaster, AGAIN!

So.....please, take it from me....listen to what your gut is telling you. Instead of worrying about the fact that I wasted 4 years of my life with a liar, I'm going to rejoyce in the fact that I learned a lot. I'm going to rejoyce in the fact that I trusted myself and that I saw the truth and can now move forward with MY life and leave that destruction behind me.

YEY ME! And YEY to everyone else who has and who will reach this point and this feeling!

Learn2Live

Yay Corkie!! (Yay Elsie!!) Way to go!! I am so glad you can see it.

Now you may want to formulate a No Contact plan. Or strengthen and prepare yourself for the short-term future where he keeps coming back and trying to manipulate you or talk you into getting close with him. When it finally dawns on them that you are serious, they really start to get upset, and will come to you with all these admissions and confessions, tears and sob stories, and claims that you are their soul mate, the ONLY one for them, "we are meant to be," etc, etc. Prepare yourself for that and strengthen your resolve to not fall for the manipulations.

Corkie

I've already been there and done that with him. The past 2 years have been break ups and him begging for another chance. Claiming I'm his soul mate and that we are meant to be together! I used to think "Gosh, if he believes that so much then maybe we ARE soul mates, and maybe I should give this another shot!"
NO MORE! I do not believe in soul mates anymore. I believe that I can find a loving, trust worthy man to share my life with. He could be anyone! There are no soul mates. We choose the life we want, we choose our partners.
I am SO OVER all of this! Over him!
I used to be fearful of being single and alone with 4 kids, with no emotional support or no real friend to turn to, which is partly why I kept going back. I do not have this fear anymore. I have 4 of the most funny, and fun to be with kids ever. I talk and laugh with them everyday. I get cuddles and hugs when I need them. I do not need a man. And I certainly do not need a man who lies and continues to drink.

Stick a fork in me, lol, for I AM DONE!!!!!

Learn2Live

It is amazing that so many people can use so many of the same manipulations (soulmate, meant to be together, etc) on so many of us. It's like we're talking about the same person.

You go girl! Brighter, sunnier days ahead! And you're right, you DON'T need a man. We are all of us capable of being complete, whole beings on our own.

cytagirl

And here's me thinking that I was soooooo very special when the xabf said things like we're soulmates or you're my rock , saviour etc etc . I also used to smell beer on his breath and would ask if he'd been drinking , to which he would reply , NO I haven't and you're a nut job or loon , and then I would question myself . Eventually he would admit to drinking , might take a couple of hours or days depending how i reacted , usually i went into silent mode which he couldn't stand but my gut instinct was always bang on ...
cyta x

Learn2Live

Me too, all of what you said. I am the one to blame, I am crazy, all while I am the best thing that ever happened to him, I am his soulmate, I am The One. All a bunch of crock. Made me lose my sanity, no lie. Don't feel bad about falling for it, though, we ALL have fell for it. Now it's time for us to get smart!

LexieCat

Actually, you DON'T have to have a "friendship" with him. Ideally, you will be able to be civil and fair to each other, but friendship implies trust and love for each other. Not a requirement. THIS I second!!! Yay you!!

Corkie

Great point, and yes you are right! I guess what I meant was more "friendly" than friendship. There will be no relationship of any kind with him, ever!