Sally

well, my A.....is on a road trip......No calls....nothing....He's missing.
My mind went to that obsesive place......where I start pacing the floor....phoneing his cell phone.....imagining him doing all sorts of things....But.......I stopped myself.
Im still feeling a little concerned, and the old insecure feelings come up over me, and I feel so lost......
then at the same time I think Hey....relax....if he was home he'd be drinking here......so injoy my time.
I had the day to myself today, thought about going to an alanon meeting. But didn't go..... it would be my first one. I was feeling blue and sluggish today.......dragged my butt around all day.
but today was the first real opportunity I have had to go.
My two youngest children were home from school with the chickenpox....all last week.
So I really haven't had any time to myself to go, until today that is and I blew it off.
anyway there is tommorow.....right......

I've been trying to push away this.....depression cloud I feel looming over me...
have to keep stepping, keep moving..forward.
focus on me....taking care of me......
get my routine .....up and going again....I just seem to have NO ENERGY....OR DISIRE TO DO ANYTHING......
I'm trying to decide whether I sould return to work....or .....look for something else.....I can't seem to make up my mind...
whats worring me the most is DAYcare......arranging it......
I'd like to apply for a part time position....but it's all shift work...and I really CAnt work eve.....
I need a dayshift , My old job does offer that advantage....9-5 full-time......
I get stuck in the I CAN'T
I CAN'T , I CAN'T , I CAN'T

Thats my mental block.....

regards

Vampgirl

Hi Sally,
I'm sorry this is a tough time for you.I know that feeling of a black cloud and it is no fun at all.
The one thing that I've learned the hard way is that isolating does'nt help me in the long run,it only makes things worse.
I HAVE to take the contrary action and get out and do things for me that I enjoy...I have to act "as if",I want to be doing them(even if I really don't feel like it,at the time) and I have to get my butt to as many meetings as is humanly possible.I know it must be alot harder when you have kids,but try and get to a meeting today if you can...I promise,it will help that cloud lift,even if only for a few mins at a time at the start.Suddenly the sunshine will outweigh the clouds if you can do that,I promise.
You take care,Vampy

Sally

Thank you very much for your reply,
your right.......absolutly right.
I'll look up a meeting today, I hate going out cause I have that feeling that the world is against me. My friends and family make comments......."there comes a time when you have to use your brains" and just get out of it. I feel Stupid, ashamed and in general TRASHED......I feel like My whole life has just been flushed down the toilet.

thanks

spedteach

"There comes a time when you have to use your brains"....wow, what a rotten thing to say to you!!!! You do use your brain and you are doing what is right FOR YOU! Going to a meeting, leaving, doing whatever else THEY think you should, obviously hasn't been right for you. Don't beat yourself up over it, we do what is right for us, when the time is right!
I've heard countless times "How can you still put up with it?"...I want to look them square in the eye and say "the same way I put up with you!"..but I don't. I know your family and friends mean well, but unless they deal with the same situations you have to deal with, they have no clue as to what's going on for you...keep hanging in there.
If you don't make it to a meeting today, at least try to get to a store or library (not sure if you can get all the books at a library) and get the alanon books (which I got mine at a used book store) or the Codependent No More book.

Keep coming here..people care..they really do!

Sped teach

JT

Sally,

Stupid and ashamed are sure signs you need to do some work on you. What in the world do you have to feel stupid and ashamed about?? Loving a man who is sick? You can't control what he does...but you can control you.

If you begin to take back some of your power...stupid and ashamed will be history!

Hugs,
JT

Vampgirl

Hi Sally,
People who have never walked in our shoes,just can't understand what it's like to love an alcoholic...It's very easy to say "Why don't you just leave",when they have never been in the situation themselves. That's the great thing about the meetings...Unless your safety was for some reason at stake,no one will ever tell you you're "stupid" to put up with it or that you should"just leave"....
There is alot of wisdom,support,love...expeience,strength and hope in those rooms.Please let us know how you're doing,you are not alone.
Take care,Vampy

insane

i can really relate to your struggle. i am so sorry its so hard right now.

i'd like to share something with you that happened to me last night. it was kind of like a miracle.

i've been really really struggling. feeling, thinking all sorts of things. reacting. having some flashbacks which haven't been an issue for me in a very long time...dealing with extremes, you know? feeling exhausted, wanting to isolate and hide about these issues (addiction, abuse, damage, fear, worry), but also wanting to get better, knowing that what i've been doing for so long doesn't work anymore.

bear with me for a minute as i explain what happened.

so, it was time to go to my thursday night mtg. its one of the mtgs i honestly like best. still, i didn't want to go. i was tired. resentful. i felt guilty about getting childcare. blah blah blah.

i managed to get out of the house, a little late, but i did it and got on the road.

the next thing i know i am on the highway going the opposite direction of my mtg. just totally zoned out.

i beat myself up royally. stupid idiot. thinking, "oh, you didn't want to go anyway, thats why you did this unconsciously. forget it. go home. you're really late now. plus it won't help anyway".

regardless, i managed to turn my car around (through a steady stream of tears) and get headed in the right direction on the road.

i pull up to my mtg. i'm 20 min late. i try to open the side door that leads to the mtg room. its locked. i go around and enter through the front and get lost in the winding halls. i say "forget it. go home....you #*&**#%*&*!!!!!".

but i go out and try the side door again anyway and this time its open.

i go up to the mtg room and one of the home group ladies is at the door. strange, the mtg should have started 25 min ago. i'm in tears and she hugs me and looks right into my eyes and says "welcome back". i had forgotten that the mtg didn't start til 8:30...not 8 like the others.....i wasn't late.

i was exactly where i needed to be at exactly the right time and the people i needed to be there were there to welcome me and help me.

I WAS SO GLAD I WENT. I FELT SO MUCH BETTER AFTER THE MEETING. NOTHING WAS FIXED OR SIGNIFICANTLY CHANGED EXCEPT FOR THAT I HAD DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENT...I DIDN"T GIVE UP ON ME, DESPITE MY SICK SELF, AND I GOT SOME SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE AND RESPITE FOR ME EXACTLY WHEN I NEEDED IT. SOMEWHERE INSIDE MYSELF I BELIEVED THAT THE PROGRAM CAN HELP ME.

please go to your meeting. it can make a difference.

love and hugs and prayers to you.

Sally

Thanks so much guy's, you don't know how much your replies mean to me right now....
well I did it.....I went to an alanon meeting this morning......
It helped amazingly....

I felt accepted, I learned alot.....already.....and....I felt my higher Power with me....It felt like i was in the right place at the right time.

I was just ready to burst into tears.....on my way there......just before I left my A called......

I was furious at him.....for not calling last night to at least let me know he was safe.....He told me his usual lies.....and that made me even more furious , I hung up on him and went to the meeting.

The focus was on the first step........
and doing something different opens different doors and opportunities.....also...reacting......how we react to our A and thats what causes us to be crazy......
Was the meeting Tailored just for me today or what....



I still feel like having a good cry......I haven't cried in so long....the kids are in school......so now is the time....to fall apart.

pretty silly, when you have no time to cry...
It's a good cry....

thanks again friends.....I sure appreciate you all

regards

insane

wooohoooo! good for you!!!

keep coming back!!

constant

Way to go Sally!!!

Constant

spedteach

WAHOO SALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You go girl!! And guess what, go ahead cry, cry all you want!! If it's for you..do it Get it out...you'll feel better afterwards!! The meeting was exactly what you needed, your higher power is looking out for you girlfriend!!!

I am very proud of you! I know the hardest thing for me was to actually go into a meeting, because that was admitting I couldn't be superwoman (but don't tell that to too many people )

sped teach

Sally

Hi guy's

well the Saga continues.....when he arrived home yesterday afternnoon.....he came bearing gifts for the children.
I was livid.....:argue:
Why couldn't you have the common decency to pick up the phone and let me know you were safe.....He lied, about his where abouts, he lied.....something is up.....He's back at it again. I can feel it in my guts.....
There is nothing he would have to hide from me.....I expected him to drink, go out,,,,maybe even to a strip bar...I don't care about that stuff....there's only one thing he'd have to hide from me and that's the usual.......another women.
why else would he lie...
and why would I expect his behaviour to change this time....
He's a habitual cheater....
I think it's starting all over again.....

it makes me desperately sick to my stomach.....

regards
sally

Sandman

Sally,

Wow did you strike a chord with me. Same exact feelings - sounds like I could have written it all. I can't offer you lot of advice but I can tell you you are not alone.

My A is talking about getting away for a couple of days....... Yeah, heard that one before. THIS time, I'm not going to put myself through it and ride the roller-coaster. I am going to be happy and tend to me.

Anyway thanks for sharing, and letting me know I am not alone.

Best wishes.