missb89

And sent an angry message. XABF was out at a bar and ran into a mutual friend and proceeded to spew his crap and try to make me look bad again. Said a bunch of BS hateful stuff. S0o0o0o in a fit of anger immediately after finding out I broke down and sent him a nasty message on FB. I just cannot let go of this anger, I feel the need to cut him down and tell him no one wants to talk to him, nor cares what he has to say. I feel stupid for sending it now though because I think it's letting him know that he can still get a rise out of me.

LexieCat

Yes, you did just do that.

And what did you think his reaction was going to be? To say, "Geeze, she's right, I shouldn't have said that stuff"?

There is NOTHING to be accomplished by something like that. You shoot yourself in the foot anytime you do something like that.

I don't use Facebook, but isn't there a way you can just block his profile so you can't see it and won't be tempted to fire off ill-advised messages?

dollydo

Yep, that's what you did. Not the end of the world, time to mellow out again. And what about staying off of FB for awhile. You won't die, you can still function on a day to day basis....right?

Hop back on the recovery train, NC.

Daybreak

fuhgeddaboudit You're allowed to relapse. Start NC again. Find another way to vent your fury. Fury you are no doubt entitled to feel.

blackstrat6

Take him off FB. There is no reason for you to grant him that. I can see maybe making a new email he can post too ( I say NC) but yeah no Fb, no cell number, no messengers. He will just use as a tool to hurt you.

Don't focus on him or what he is doing, saying any of it. Rise above the childish games or you are setting yourself up for more.
Stay strong girl, you know you have support!

LexieCat

Sorry, I didn't mean to "scold" you. We all make mistakes--if this were easy, none of us would be here.

Start over again. You can do it.

Next time he does something like that, rant to us instead of to him. At least we will share your outrage and make you feel better about the fact that you don't need to keep playing his game.

ItsmeAlice

You are not alone in wanting to be free of anger at the addict. It seems to have an insanely long shelf life with me as well.

A year ago this week I was receiving nightly calls from my XABF. It was the week I went no contact. Each night the messages got uglier and uglier. By Saturday, I placed a block of his number on my phone.

In the past year, I have had swells of anger and rage towards him that surprise me every time. I can only imagine what I would say in those moments if I gave in and contacted him.

I also still wonder what I would say if we were to bump into each other at some point. I wonder if I would be able to rely on my recovery to walk away without feeling the need to school him on what I really think of him instead of knowing it would fall on deaf ears and not even bother.

Sure, you should have kept your post to yourself and not open that connection to him. Sure, you knew better and knew it wouldn't make any change in his behavior and only add fueld to his manipulative fires.

So what. What's done is done. Shut the door on it and let it go. You said what you felt and for better or worse, it was your truth.

Next time, you will remember how you felt in this moment and you will redirect that agitation in a more productive way. There are plenty of threads on this forum to help you discover ways to do that.

Deep breath. You're human. This is life. This is recovery. Glad to have to here with the rest of us.

Alice

Lola1024

Don't be too hard on yourself Missb. You had a little slip up - get back on the horse and go on. Don't respond to anything else he says or you hear about. Next time you will know what you want to do differently.

missb89

Thank you. I wasn't hoping to make him feel bad for talking about me, I was out to hurt him. I wanted him to know that the people he was talking to about me, didn't like him, didn't care what he had to say, and would always let me know the **** he was talking. I wanted him to know that I know he looks like ****, that he's still pathetic alcoholic, and that everyone was on my side. Childish I know, and I do regret it so much. BUT I am forgivng myself, and have blocked him so that I will not recieve his response and will not be tempted to continue the arguement. Thank you for the encouragement and not beating me up.

freebuthurting

There is the option to block him from facebook - that way you can't see his activity on there at all and he can't see yours. You are entitled to interact with your friends without feeling the temptation of contacting him. If you can't then perhaps giving facebook a rest would help. I temporarily disabled mine when I was first separating from AH - because I didn't want to do or say anything on there that I may regret later.
My current status on there is the serenty prayer. Lots of my real life friends "Like" it.

theuncertainty

You can always start a fresh new run of NC. Don't be too down on yourself.

I've recently found that writing a letter to STBAX helps: just laying it all out on the line - what he did to hurt me (he would generally 'forget' and deny), how I felt, if our son witnessed it, how he felt. In short shouted out all my anger at him for his behavior, myself for getting sucked in, and for how the dream of us as a family died.

Then I'd put the letter some where safe and out of sight and sleep on it one or two nights. Then place it in the fireplace as kindling and watch it burn.

I'm able to vent and get about the same level of truth (ashes/nothing) as if I'd actually given it to him, with the added bonus of no fear of revenge from STBXAH - well at least not for the letter.

I hope that makes sense; I am so tired and think I may actually be able to sleep tonight.

Carol Star

HP just for today help me not be angry or contact XAH.....I will have a happier day if I am in gratitude........I will be depressed if I am in the past, and anxious if I am in the future......think of 5 things I am grateful for.......I am free of the chaos and drama of the XAH just for today. What others think of me isn't my business. People who know him know the real deal.