VERY long time, no see...
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VERY long time, no see...
Four years ago, I posted this here:
I had just fired my counselor, because he told me to "get out of the marriage, give AH an ultimatum, and be ready to act on it." And I was angry and didn't want to replace ONE man's orders with another.
It took me another FOUR YEARS from that point to get out. It took me another four years, four wonderful *she said sarcastically* years where I got to experience being yelled at and verbally abused until I was in a fetal position on the kitchen floor crying in front of my children; got to experience giving in to manipulation to provide sexual services in order to protect my children from the anger that ensued from AH if I didn't; got to experience a whole slew of wonderful things like that that I clearly could have lived without.
But I'm out. There's a no-contact order. Which he violates on a regular basis (ten times yesterday). At the same time, he's telling me I can't tell anyone he's an alcoholic, because, you know his career depends on nobody knowing he's an abusive alcoholic.
I'm scratching my head and thinking, "Um, yeah -- because it's my fault if people find out -- not your fault because you're an abusive alcoholic?"
Divorce process is in progress. And once he signs on the dotted line, I'll exhale.
And you know what the saddest part is? When I left, he headed straight for rehab. He's been sober for six weeks minus two days. He's doing everything right. Talking to his sponsor every day. Working the program.
And it doesn't even matter to me anymore.
He's doing everything I prayed for years that he would do. And once he got to the point of doing it, I was past the point of caring.
So I'm back. I'll be hanging out here and listening to the wisdom I know exists here. And I appreciate you all.
I don't know that there's one reason why we stay.
We stay because we're scared of what will happen when we say "I've had it."
We stay because we're hoping that things will be different, that things will change.
We stay because we fell in love with this person once, and we hold out hope that that person might return.
We stay because... we feel sorry for them... because we don't know if they're gonna make it without us... because we're afraid that our kids will hate us for breaking up their family... because...
We stay because we're codependent. We stay because we love a person who we're not sure exists anymore. But we hope.
And nobody can tell you or me or anyone else when (if) you cross that line that makes leaving a better choice than staying. Only you know that. And you'll only know that when you're healthy enough to actually listen to your own feelings without shutting them down in fear. I've got quite a ways to go to get to that point.
We stay because we're scared of what will happen when we say "I've had it."
We stay because we're hoping that things will be different, that things will change.
We stay because we fell in love with this person once, and we hold out hope that that person might return.
We stay because... we feel sorry for them... because we don't know if they're gonna make it without us... because we're afraid that our kids will hate us for breaking up their family... because...
We stay because we're codependent. We stay because we love a person who we're not sure exists anymore. But we hope.
And nobody can tell you or me or anyone else when (if) you cross that line that makes leaving a better choice than staying. Only you know that. And you'll only know that when you're healthy enough to actually listen to your own feelings without shutting them down in fear. I've got quite a ways to go to get to that point.
It took me another FOUR YEARS from that point to get out. It took me another four years, four wonderful *she said sarcastically* years where I got to experience being yelled at and verbally abused until I was in a fetal position on the kitchen floor crying in front of my children; got to experience giving in to manipulation to provide sexual services in order to protect my children from the anger that ensued from AH if I didn't; got to experience a whole slew of wonderful things like that that I clearly could have lived without.
But I'm out. There's a no-contact order. Which he violates on a regular basis (ten times yesterday). At the same time, he's telling me I can't tell anyone he's an alcoholic, because, you know his career depends on nobody knowing he's an abusive alcoholic.
I'm scratching my head and thinking, "Um, yeah -- because it's my fault if people find out -- not your fault because you're an abusive alcoholic?"
Divorce process is in progress. And once he signs on the dotted line, I'll exhale.
And you know what the saddest part is? When I left, he headed straight for rehab. He's been sober for six weeks minus two days. He's doing everything right. Talking to his sponsor every day. Working the program.
And it doesn't even matter to me anymore.
He's doing everything I prayed for years that he would do. And once he got to the point of doing it, I was past the point of caring.
So I'm back. I'll be hanging out here and listening to the wisdom I know exists here. And I appreciate you all.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Welcome back, lillamy, and yes I felt darn angry for a while, that after years of broken promises, umpteen relapses and all the hullabaloo that ensues from being in this sort of "relationship",.......when I gave up and left him to himself.....he REALLY went for help.
Got the guilts for me keeping him tied to the booze, and annoyed at me for not quitting long before I did......Realised later that it wasn't me that kept him drinking really.
It was just the right time for us both to ditch our Drug Of Choice....he quit the beer and I quit dealing with him.
I was told a few times, that I had to leave him, and stubbornly stayed.
I am sorry you are still being hassled by him, in spite of NC order, to try and keep his alcoholism and such under wraps. The only way that works is for HIM to change his ways, not hide it all........after all secrets like these tend to jump out of the closet and broadcast themselves to everyone.
When my RABF once whined that "he wasn't to blame for the mess he was in right then, because he couldn't help being an alcoholic", I agreed he couldn't help being an alcoholic, but he chose to be an active alcoholic and he WAS responsible for his mess.
Hope you are out of this situation soon, and able to get your life back into what you want it to be.
God bless
Got the guilts for me keeping him tied to the booze, and annoyed at me for not quitting long before I did......Realised later that it wasn't me that kept him drinking really.
It was just the right time for us both to ditch our Drug Of Choice....he quit the beer and I quit dealing with him.
I was told a few times, that I had to leave him, and stubbornly stayed.
I am sorry you are still being hassled by him, in spite of NC order, to try and keep his alcoholism and such under wraps. The only way that works is for HIM to change his ways, not hide it all........after all secrets like these tend to jump out of the closet and broadcast themselves to everyone.
When my RABF once whined that "he wasn't to blame for the mess he was in right then, because he couldn't help being an alcoholic", I agreed he couldn't help being an alcoholic, but he chose to be an active alcoholic and he WAS responsible for his mess.
Hope you are out of this situation soon, and able to get your life back into what you want it to be.
God bless
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
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you post really hit me hard...i'm living it, have lived it and I am finally GETTING OUT!!! boy, woulda been great if i was able to hear others long before i heard myself, but...it wasn't meant to be. I believe that "everything happens for a reason" and this is no exception. i look forward to my freedom, even with the challenges that scare me to death. thank you for your inspiration, it helps me continue to move forward and take the steps i need to care for myself!
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Jadmack, I'm nodding along with what you're saying there. I'm still baffled (which is impressive; after almost 20 years, I should be used to it) by his complete and utter inability to take any responsibility...
See, he doesn't understand why I left, even after six weeks of AA. Because, you see, he has a disease so he hasn't been able to control his drinking. And the reason he has a disease is that his mother never loved him. So basically, it's his mom's fault that he started drinking, and then it's the fault of the disease that he continued, and now that he's sober, it's God's fault (because only God can help him stay sober) and my fault (because the recovery rate is so much higher if you have the support of your spouse) if he doesn't stay sober.
Oy.
I'm working on not letting him control my emotions. My everyday life, he can't control anymore (although he tries), but he still gets to me emotionally. But it's a step-by-step process, getting away from that.
And Missphit? I'm telling you, the scary on this side of leaving is a much better scary than the kind that was on the inside of my marriage. Much. :friends2
See, he doesn't understand why I left, even after six weeks of AA. Because, you see, he has a disease so he hasn't been able to control his drinking. And the reason he has a disease is that his mother never loved him. So basically, it's his mom's fault that he started drinking, and then it's the fault of the disease that he continued, and now that he's sober, it's God's fault (because only God can help him stay sober) and my fault (because the recovery rate is so much higher if you have the support of your spouse) if he doesn't stay sober.
Oy.
I'm working on not letting him control my emotions. My everyday life, he can't control anymore (although he tries), but he still gets to me emotionally. But it's a step-by-step process, getting away from that.
And Missphit? I'm telling you, the scary on this side of leaving is a much better scary than the kind that was on the inside of my marriage. Much. :friends2
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
And Missphit? I'm telling you, the scary on this side of leaving is a much better scary than the kind that was on the inside of my marriage. Much. :friends2
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Absolutley AMAZING POST!!! Thank you for sharing!!! I did the same...it didnt matter what he chose to do after i was gone. I endured six years of hell with broken promises and lies..verbal abuse,physical abuse...just a terrible way to live!! I wasnt living..i was dying. Thanks so much for sharing!!
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Yes I have heard the "I am just an innocent, it is everyone else's fault I drink" quacking, and I still don't buy it. My RABF went on about his mum dying when he was 12, until I screamed " she is dead, had been dead nearly 50 years....let her rest now." Of course I later felt bad for it, but I haven't heard that damned refrain about mummy, since that night.
Your chap may go to AA, but has heard only some of the message, and not understood that too well, if he is using the disease imfo as his excuse. AA doesn't tell you to blame the disease, or parental unloving, or your football team losing, for you drinking......it is to sheet home responsibility to you for doing so, so you can make changes, amends and recover.
Concentrate on you and your life, and leave him to get the message right, in his own time......it is not up to you, only you is up to you.
God bless
Your chap may go to AA, but has heard only some of the message, and not understood that too well, if he is using the disease imfo as his excuse. AA doesn't tell you to blame the disease, or parental unloving, or your football team losing, for you drinking......it is to sheet home responsibility to you for doing so, so you can make changes, amends and recover.
Concentrate on you and your life, and leave him to get the message right, in his own time......it is not up to you, only you is up to you.
God bless
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it is not up to you, only you is up to you.
And here's how my life goes these days: I'm still trying to get my bearings and get organized and be attentive to the needs of the kids and set us each up with the support we need... it's quite daunting, at times. Occasionally, I get a second of total panic and think "How on earth am I going to DO this???" -- but those are outweighed by the moments of almost ecstatic joy when I realize "Hey -- I'm in control of my own life again!!!"
Sounds so big -- but it's usually when I'm doing something like loading the dishwasher or folding laundry that I realize how much I enjoy everyday tasks and how much energy I have.
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awesome post and i am looking forward to being in charge of MY OWN LIFE too!! the excitement certainly outweighs my fear...because i finally feel that it will be nicer fear than the fear i've been living in....honest fear that I will have some control over, not at the hand of someone else!! i can't wait!
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