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when will i ever learn

Old 09-20-2010, 11:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
kia
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when will i ever learn

well i did it again he rang me last night very apologetic i shouldnt of answered it and been hooked in again but i did told me she had walked out on him and wanted me back and i got suckered in again believed all the lies was even gonna go back today but was going out for lunch with a mate otherwise i would of done and low what happens she comes back and im dumped again put back in the box labelled friend and then says ohh sorry like that makes it right so its back to trying to do no contact ill learn this lesson in the end but please dont say i told u so cos i know
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:29 AM
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Kia, love, please go to your GP and get on the list for counselling.

Can you get to Ormskirk at 7.30 tomorrow? There's an al-anon meeting
Ormskirk
Tuesday 19:30
Location: Ormskirk Parish Church (New Church House), Church Street, Ormskirk, Lancashire, L39 3RD England

If you call 0207 403 0888, they will contact someone from that group who can arrange for someone to meet you beforehand if you like. There may even be someone local to you who can you a lift. If I were nearby I'd do it myself.

Hon, it must be exhausting being at the end of pieces of string dangled by these men (this isn't the same one as when you joined, is it?). You sound very depressed by the whole shebang and I don't blame you one bit if you are.

Delete him from MSN too.
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:02 PM
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kia
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Originally Posted by Bolina View Post
Kia, love, please go to your GP and get on the list for counselling.

Can you get to Ormskirk at 7.30 tomorrow? There's an al-anon meeting
Ormskirk
Tuesday 19:30
Location: Ormskirk Parish Church (New Church House), Church Street, Ormskirk, Lancashire, L39 3RD England

If you call 0207 403 0888 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting**************0207 403 0888******end_of_the_skype_highlighting, they will contact someone from that group who can arrange for someone to meet you beforehand if you like. There may even be someone local to you who can you a lift. If I were nearby I'd do it myself.

Hon, it must be exhausting being at the end of pieces of string dangled by these men (this isn't the same one as when you joined, is it?). You sound very depressed by the whole shebang and I don't blame you one bit if you are.

Delete him from MSN too.
yes he is the same one as when i joined and yes i am exhausted i dont drive so ill call them u think someone can pick me up cos im struggling here and have asked gp twice now for counselling and hes said no as its only recent the break up he feels i should just suffer go figger eh im tryiny to see if the ex can organise private for me cos im losing it big style and need help thanks for the help bolina its hard for me to even do anything at the moment so tired
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:32 PM
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It happens here all the time. Someone goes no contact for a while and things seem to be swimming along and then they get a call or they get an email or maybe the EX pops up on facebook and BAM! the poor soul is plummeting into a dark hole wondering how they will ever get over the hurt. They seek love and support and vow to go no contact again and wish they had just listened to what others told them all along.

There's a reason it happens all the time and NO it's not because everyone else knows best and NO it has nothing to do with your self worth or your intelligence and NO there is nothing for you to be ashamed of or feel stupid for.

The reason my dear friend is that this is how we learn. This is how the process goes. This is how you test the waters of your recovery. We get blindsided by things because we put our head in the sand and go our merry way believing we are watching for the signs of our recovery being challenged. We don't see this stuff coming but that doesn't mean we won't learn to see it in time. The only way we ever know if we are truly paying attention and taking good care of ourselves is if we come up against these bumps in the road a few times.

The way you know you are going to be okay is how you react to what he does. No contact is easy enough for me. I can ignore someone like nobody's business. Knocking someone out of my life is far easier than learning how to cope with them for sure. It's part of the silent treatment I learned as a child. It's when someone else's mood, attitude, hurt, anger, manipulation etc make their way in through my armour that my recovery tools have to come into play.

1) Am I seeking healthy support or am I seeking out those who will see me as vulnerable and use it to their advantage.
2) Am I processing the event quickly and making sense of why it happened or am I internalizing it and making someone else's bad behavior my own fault.
3) Am I moving forward with my emotions, acknowledging them and being patient or am I expecting to not feel anything at all when I've been hurt.

You are a caring and loving person who's emotions were used to the advantage of someone else. He knows you. He knows what buttons to push. He could not bear to be alone so he quickly worked you over to have a soft place to land and when he didn't need you he dropped you like a hot potato. This is his doing. This is his fault. Please do not take blame for being hurt by this. You are human. It's what you learn from it that counts. And accepting that this is just a lesson you need to keep practicing at until you get it right will go a long way to helping you feel better.

I've even silently thanked those who've hurt my feelings in the last year because without that hurt I wouldn't know just how strong my recovery is and where my weaknesses are. I don't get sucked in more than I allow myself to get sucked in, but I'm learning to see it more before it happens and step out of danger. Can't do that until you've fallen in a few viper pits, know what I mean?

I do hope you get to attend that Al-Anon meeting and I do hope you get a chance to work with a counsellor. Recovery takes practice. Everyone stumbles. No one gets it all perfect every day of every year. No one here expects you to move at any pace other than your own.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

Alice
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:02 PM
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Alice, thanks for your post, it really helped me today.Wonderful and compassionate voices like these are what I need to listen. Very healing.

kia, sometimes even NOTHING has to happen for one to "go back" to that miserable place.. lately I am all triggered and obsessing about an XABF so there is also some others that no longer talk to them but are still engaged in some way. After 2 years, "I should be more than done" and then I feel more inadequate/stupid/sad because 2 years might be too much according to someone else's timeline - but its not them that live my life. Anyway, to accept one is spending too much energy in another person is a starting point to go back to a more peaceful state of mind. You can start NC right this minute and change your phone #.


Repeat with me this mantra:"I deserve everything". My therapist told me to repeat it this week....

Can you get a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody beatty? It is a wonderful book.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:20 PM
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My copy of Codependent no more is on its way to me right now - via amazon. You can pick it up there really cheap Kia. Maybe we can work through it together?
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:09 PM
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kia
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
It happens here all the time. Someone goes no contact for a while and things seem to be swimming along and then they get a call or they get an email or maybe the EX pops up on facebook and BAM! the poor soul is plummeting into a dark hole wondering how they will ever get over the hurt. They seek love and support and vow to go no contact again and wish they had just listened to what others told them all along.

There's a reason it happens all the time and NO it's not because everyone else knows best and NO it has nothing to do with your self worth or your intelligence and NO there is nothing for you to be ashamed of or feel stupid for.

The reason my dear friend is that this is how we learn. This is how the process goes. This is how you test the waters of your recovery. We get blindsided by things because we put our head in the sand and go our merry way believing we are watching for the signs of our recovery being challenged. We don't see this stuff coming but that doesn't mean we won't learn to see it in time. The only way we ever know if we are truly paying attention and taking good care of ourselves is if we come up against these bumps in the road a few times.

The way you know you are going to be okay is how you react to what he does. No contact is easy enough for me. I can ignore someone like nobody's business. Knocking someone out of my life is far easier than learning how to cope with them for sure. It's part of the silent treatment I learned as a child. It's when someone else's mood, attitude, hurt, anger, manipulation etc make their way in through my armour that my recovery tools have to come into play.

1) Am I seeking healthy support or am I seeking out those who will see me as vulnerable and use it to their advantage.
2) Am I processing the event quickly and making sense of why it happened or am I internalizing it and making someone else's bad behavior my own fault.
3) Am I moving forward with my emotions, acknowledging them and being patient or am I expecting to not feel anything at all when I've been hurt.

You are a caring and loving person who's emotions were used to the advantage of someone else. He knows you. He knows what buttons to push. He could not bear to be alone so he quickly worked you over to have a soft place to land and when he didn't need you he dropped you like a hot potato. This is his doing. This is his fault. Please do not take blame for being hurt by this. You are human. It's what you learn from it that counts. And accepting that this is just a lesson you need to keep practicing at until you get it right will go a long way to helping you feel better.

I've even silently thanked those who've hurt my feelings in the last year because without that hurt I wouldn't know just how strong my recovery is and where my weaknesses are. I don't get sucked in more than I allow myself to get sucked in, but I'm learning to see it more before it happens and step out of danger. Can't do that until you've fallen in a few viper pits, know what I mean?

I do hope you get to attend that Al-Anon meeting and I do hope you get a chance to work with a counsellor. Recovery takes practice. Everyone stumbles. No one gets it all perfect every day of every year. No one here expects you to move at any pace other than your own.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

Alice
just wanted to say thanks too will keep referring to this in the coming week
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:13 PM
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kia
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Alice, thanks for your post, it really helped me today.Wonderful and compassionate voices like these are what I need to listen. Very healing.

kia, sometimes even NOTHING has to happen for one to "go back" to that miserable place.. lately I am all triggered and obsessing about an XABF so there is also some others that no longer talk to them but are still engaged in some way. After 2 years, "I should be more than done" and then I feel more inadequate/stupid/sad because 2 years might be too much according to someone else's timeline - but its not them that live my life. Anyway, to accept one is spending too much energy in another person is a starting point to go back to a more peaceful state of mind. You can start NC right this minute and change your phone #.


Repeat with me this mantra:"I deserve everything". My therapist told me to repeat it this week....

Can you get a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody beatty? It is a wonderful book.
i got it started to read it then well i dunno what happened he took over my head i suppose shall have to start it again i guess
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:15 PM
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kia
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Originally Posted by freebuthurting View Post
My copy of Codependent no more is on its way to me right now - via amazon. You can pick it up there really cheap Kia. Maybe we can work through it together?
yep we can do that cos will need to re read it now anyhow if i can get my head back from where it is right now i got asked to go out tonite and i said yes but now im thinking i cant do this cos there talking about playing drinking games and i just cant do it prob have to cancel it not at the point where i can do that yet
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